Holiday with parents

[Lastdayblues]

Currently on holiday with DS (1), DP, DM and DF.

for context, parents have paid for holiday and (almost) all expenses. Haven’t asked for anything in return and don’t guilt trip, “we just want you to enjoy!” Is the answer if I ever bring it up. We live close to them and see them most days, which DP hates, he is extremely jealous (by his own admission) and thinks his DS won’t love him as much because his grandparents are around. I have some sympathy that it probably is a lot but not sure what else to do as we rely on my DM for childcare (we can’t afford nursery) and DF is working hard renovating for us on the weekend. We don’t (usually) see them the two days I have off from work whilst on my phased return from maternity.

Anyway, we are now on holiday, staying in our own apartment but near to my DP. Every morning DS wakes up around 6:30, he has his bottle we play, have breakfast, get ready and go for a walk for his morning nap. We get back, have lunch and down by the pool at around 2 where we see my DP and we all play in the pool together. We get back to the apartment for 3 for his nap, play, get ready for the night. We meet my parents at 6:30 at the restaurant until about 8:30 when it’s back for bedtime.

DP is angry that he “doesn’t get a minute” with his son, that it’s “not normal” and “fucking weird” for grandparents to spend that much time with him. He points out dad’s playing with their son in the pool as evidence of how wrong it is that DS has his grandparents with him.

we are now on our last day of the holiday and sat in the room because we’ve argued and DP refuses to go anywhere, he says he regrets ever having our son because he didn’t realise his life would be this bad. He’s called me names and says how much he hates me and our life because my parents ruin it.

I mean not the point of the post.. but as you asked… DS is enjoying long leisurely naps every morning (I think it’s the heat) and simply can’t fit that and changes between breakfast and lunch!

Honestly I think the answer is not to go on holiday with your parents. Even if that means you can't go on holiday at all. I'd hate to go on holiday with my in laws!

I mean hats off to you! It’s bloody hard work (without this extra aggro) and to think I brought a book with me!!

Lastdayblues · Today 12:32
MrsSkylerWhite · Today 11:53

So he has your son from 6.30 am until 2 pm.

Why can’t he play with him in the pool then? Routines can slide on holiday.
**
He has him 24 hours a day, just my parents also join us in the pool around 2pm and also for dinner”

In which case, what the bloody hell is he complaining about? Also, why would he blow up at the suggestion of them babysitting while you two have dinner one night. That’s really not normal.

Petulance in a grown man is seriously unattractive and I’d be telling him just that.

I think this is what it comes down to.. ok might be a bit annoying but we’re very very lucky and just need to get on with it

Also OP, for a traditional woman with a very traditional relationship with your parents, why are you not married? Have your parents financially helped you with the house so that you cannot marry in case you divorced and he would then be entitled to a share of the property?
Are you being honest with yourself about what it must be like for your husband to live in a house paid for by someone else, to have his son looked after by his i laws and to have to accompany them on their holiday.
It would be untenable for most women.

This exactly- I mean it would be much cheaper for your parents to hire one place, rather than a separate one for you. They realise you need time together, and being with them 24/7 would be too much. so they pay extra to make sure you have your own space and time.

So what his your dp doing in the morning till two? Why does he not spend quality time with his son, and you- walk, pool, lying on the bed playing, whatever he fancies ???

Mind boggles.

Parents do the childcare
help financially to a significant extent
and your father does the renovating (bet he pays for materials too)-
and pay for the holiday you can't afford, AND pays extra for your separate accommodation, so you have your own space and family time.

Time to grow up, and fast. Or sort yourselves out fgs!

Why should the op & her DS miss out on making memories with loving gp's just because her DH is a petulant child.
Any parent who would kick off if it was suggested gp's babysit whilst they go out for a meal with their DW/DH has got issues and it is their issue not their poor partners.

Also your partner does not need to 'just get on with it' as you say. He can walk away and have real responsibility for his son.

For me I would rather not go on a holiday than go with in laws. Many people feel like this and your husband may just be one of them. There are loads on this site!

Especially as he sees so very much of them all week. A holiday for him could be to get away from that!

it’s just different things suit different people. No one’s wrong but a change must be reached if he is that unhappy.

Many say the more grandparents have time with child the better, you can’t have too much love from extended family blah blah
But if that time results in the great unhappiness of the child’s parent, and could even result in family breakdown- it’s certainly not in the child’s best interest. Strengthening yourselves as your own family of three must come first if you want your family of three to survive.

Ah the reason I asked that question is the pool is the 'fun' time. The time when you really interact with kids on holiday

It reads that you aren't getting a chance to have just the 3 of you in the pool. The second you are at the pool so are your parents.

Grandparents really can't win can they? They don't spend time with the kids then they're horrible selfish bastards, they do spend time with the kids and they're enmeshed and overbearing.

Honestly shocked at the number of people taking the side of the petulant grown man who is jealous and throwing a hissy fit that his child has other people in his life who love him, and who has literally said he regrets his child because of said close relationship. There are ways of expressing that you'd like a bit more "just-us" family time that don't involve having a tantrum and wishing your child had never been born ffs.

Your DP sounds immature and unpleasant. Your parents sound fantastic, and the breakdown of time spent together sounds fine.
Would you DP consider counselling, do you think? His attitude to having another child to get his share of your current child is unsettling.

Your husband sounds like a brat! If he’s that bothered maybe he should decline the holiday and start paying for renovations and childcare rather than resenting your parents for all of their generous help. I’d find his attitude such a turn off.

Your parents sound wonderful op - DP not so much

It's not 'fucking weird' to interact with the people to took you on holiday for 3 hours a day. I think he's being very rude and unreasonable and there's obviously more to it than this.
Why doesn't he take DS for the morning and you can chill out with your parents.

Lots of advice on this thread linked below
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/holidays/4801713-holidays-with-in-lawsno-or-yes?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share&utm_source=copylink

I'm wondering if it's also you have an incredibly regimented routine for a holiday and it's frustrating him, your parents are part of a wider issue with the holiday. Can't you relax the routine a bit, go to the pool in the morning? Stay up late etc. doesn't seem like a holiday

I would say to him right I’ll cancel my mums childcare and my dads renovation work then and we’ll have to pay for a nursery and pay for our own renovations. Because you can’t have it both ways.
The fact you can’t even have a discussion because he will ‘blow up’ is not normal. He sounds nasty and aggressive.
Can’t afford to support his own family so is on the take from your parents but in the next breath doesn’t want a relationship with your parents either.

You have all day until 2pm as a family. He chose to holiday with his inlaws. What did he expect? A free holiday and to never have to see them?
If he’s this angry and aggressive that you can’t even discuss anything with him I would be seriously reconsidering this relationship

I don’t see his problem. How is spending practically all day with his son not enough? Is he looking for excuses to pick fights (this would worry me).

Yep. It would be a whole different thread.

Also virtually the same discussion on the thread below although the overwhelming consensus is not to holiday with your in laws
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4795562-husband-doesnt-want-to-go-on-holiday-with-my-family?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share&utm_source=copylink

With the same amount of time spent as I’ve described? Half hour to an hour in the afternoon and 2 hours in evening. All on our terms when we are ready..? Suffocating?

He is being utterly ridiculous. I would love for my children to have that sort of grandparent relationship (as I did) but we have lost one, another has Alzheimer's, another works and takes care of the one with Alzheimer's and the other lives far away and we are down to seeing them only once a year for a holiday. Your child will not love him any less. It's the same as when you have another child, love grows. He needs professional help to see that all he will do is harm his child, drive a wedge and hurt himself in the long run

@TheFairyCaravan
It is staggering the different responses when the poster is female and asking if she should be expected to go on holidays with her in laws.