Holiday with parents

[Lastdayblues]

Currently on holiday with DS (1), DP, DM and DF.

for context, parents have paid for holiday and (almost) all expenses. Haven’t asked for anything in return and don’t guilt trip, “we just want you to enjoy!” Is the answer if I ever bring it up. We live close to them and see them most days, which DP hates, he is extremely jealous (by his own admission) and thinks his DS won’t love him as much because his grandparents are around. I have some sympathy that it probably is a lot but not sure what else to do as we rely on my DM for childcare (we can’t afford nursery) and DF is working hard renovating for us on the weekend. We don’t (usually) see them the two days I have off from work whilst on my phased return from maternity.

Anyway, we are now on holiday, staying in our own apartment but near to my DP. Every morning DS wakes up around 6:30, he has his bottle we play, have breakfast, get ready and go for a walk for his morning nap. We get back, have lunch and down by the pool at around 2 where we see my DP and we all play in the pool together. We get back to the apartment for 3 for his nap, play, get ready for the night. We meet my parents at 6:30 at the restaurant until about 8:30 when it’s back for bedtime.

DP is angry that he “doesn’t get a minute” with his son, that it’s “not normal” and “fucking weird” for grandparents to spend that much time with him. He points out dad’s playing with their son in the pool as evidence of how wrong it is that DS has his grandparents with him.

we are now on our last day of the holiday and sat in the room because we’ve argued and DP refuses to go anywhere, he says he regrets ever having our son because he didn’t realise his life would be this bad. He’s called me names and says how much he hates me and our life because my parents ruin it.

I haven't voted, because I haven't heard your husband's side of the story. You make it sound lovely and idyllic, but there must be something else going on for him to feel like this. Does he feel excluded?
I have "nice" in laws but when they're all together I very much feel like an outsider. DH would never understand this and would think I'm imagining it.

Why isn't your partner stepping up spending quality time with ds? complaining about his in-laws presence but happy for a free holiday. I wish my in-laws were like your parents not for the free holiday but while on holiday, actually giving us space. They pay fuck all and never give us space either!

Your DP needs to get a grip, he's being utterly ridiculous.

On this holiday (that your parents are paying for) you are apparently spending an hour in the afternoon with them and two hours over dinner in the evening. That's hardly over-bearing!

There's 21 other hours where your DP could "get a minute" with your son.

Just out of interest OP, how often do you see your partner's parents?
Most women on here would not want to spend holidays with their in laws. Holidays can be time to really feel like a family and, as another poster has pointed out, your family has five members.
Read the endless posts on here from women who resent their MILS spending time with their grandchildren. Or holding them or wanting to be involved in their lives.
Most men put up with their partner's parents for an easy life but it must be hard for him if your parents spend all week with their grandson and then want to have him on holiday with them too.
It would be far more generous if your parents funded you having a cheap week away, just the three of you.
Your partner may be going about this the wrong way but do listen to the hurt behind his complaints and promise a holiday for just the three of you next time.

He needs to get a grip.

He is happy to take their help and their money.

They leave you alone on holiday till after lunch. They don't demand to see you the second you wake up.

He was happy with everything till you had your child but nothing is stopping him playing/caring/looking after him at all

You need a proper sit down when you get home and get to the bottom of all this

Does your DS ask for grandparents ahead of you two? Are there any signs he looks for them first?

Your parents sound awesome.

Your DP seems like a sulky freeloading child. If he doesn’t like it he can pay for his own holidays and childcare can’t he?

Oops, he can’t, which I guess is why his masculine ego has shattered.

(Can you tell I just took a toddler on holiday as a single parent, paying for and doing every single thing myself, and your set up sounds heavenly and sulky men trigger my Woman Rage?)

Except they can't afford it.

He could have always said he'd rather they didn't go...

I agree. This is ridiculous behaviour. When you eventually leave him (because this won't get better) thank god you have a lovely, kind, supportive family around you

Why didn’t dp get in the pool with ds then? my dc and I see my parents most days and have been on a few holidays with them my dp has never had an issue with it and is glad the children have a great relationship with their grandparents it doesn’t stop him being a father he gets up with the children, plays and cares for them. Dp sounds like he needs to give his head a wobble and he definitely needs to apologise for his behaviour because it sounds like he’s not a proactive parent and is blaming your parents rather then looking at himself.

I have parents like yours!

DS' dad was horrid and walked away when DS was a baby and never came back. Life is so good now as a single parent with wonderfully supportive parents around me.

Alas, 'He who pays the piper calls the tune.'

It does sound a bit much for your DH. You live so close to his parents, they do childcare AND they pay for you all to go away together.

If they are helping out so much financially with trips away and saving you money on childcare, DH will just have to suck it up for the time being.

This. If you don’t see your parents until 2 pm why isn’t your partner spending any 121 time with his DS? Are you doing all the child care and the walk by yourself? Your partner could and should be doing half. This will give plenty of time for bonding and play, some amongst the 3 of you and some 121 time also

I think your DH is being unreasonable.
I don't think it's weird to spend time with grandparents.
Having loving grandparents can only be seen as a positive for your child. I don't think there are many grown ups who have had a close bond with their parents would see this as a bad thing.
Your DH seems happy to take from your parents, free childcare, your fathers labour, free holidays but then moans about them. I think he needs to grow up. If he's unhappy tell him to pay for childcare, labour and his own holidays.
Your parents don't seem to be demanding anything back, I think they should be appreciated not complained about

Does your DP spend time with your son without you? Is he a hands on parent? I only say this because I know some man children who tantrum over others intruding on their time but when they get a chance to spend time with their children they can't be arsed.

Your DP is going to have to suck it up a bit whilst he is getting free childcare, labour and holidays isn't he?

PS If your partner is actually getting a good amount of bonding time with DS then I agree with PPs that something else is going on. He is possibly feeling bad about needing so much help from them but his behaviour is unacceptable

You need to probe very gently for what is behind it

I think something has broken the camels back.
You need time for the 3 of you. Doesn't need to be flash or expensive. Time, park, local pool.

I very much feel my ILs take over given half a chance. And i can end up feeling like the outsider. Not so much now but when my oldest was a baby. I needed to be thinking two steps ahead.

Honestly it is idyllic. We have the best DS ever (not at all biased). He is always happy and sleeps well. We have a beautiful home and an amazing life. We have so much love in our lives I feel like I’m absolutely living the dream. The only thing we struggle with is money (which my parents help us out with) and now DPs jealousy with my parents

He sounds awful, OP. It won't get any better. It's very controlling. Get out while you can.

i think you’re right he is upset he can’t “provide” more but this should only be temporary. And frankly you just have to get on with it and be grateful? You can be upset but not cause huge distress to the family over it?

Aw diddums, is he not enjoying his free holiday?

I'd throw it right back at him, as your DPs paid for the holiday what did he honestly expect would happen. Tell him to pay for his own flight back home if he isn't happy with the set up.

Op why are you only having an hour at the pool?
Surely beach holiday it makes sense to have time at the pool in the morning?

I actually think you both need to grow up a bit:

cannot afford childcare, but it’s ok, my parents will sort it
can’t renovate my house, but it’s ok, my parents will sort it
can’t go on holiday, but it’s ok, my parents will sort it

you have a child. You need to start acting like the adults and take responsibility for your own lives.

and if you don’t want to / can’t, then you have to put up with lives that are joined together.

sorry I’ve had lots of these comments, when I say “we” got for walk etc.. I mean me, DS and DP. He is with us this whole time, just for a 2-3 hours a day my parents are also there.

also not sure if I was clear it’s not “that he doesn’t have grandparents on his side” it’s because he thinks his DS will love him less because he loves my DF… as if he can only choose one man to love I suppose? It really makes no sense to me

Sorry I was unclear. DP with us all day

A great thread to link to when women are complaining about their PILS wanting to be part of their family. How many times do you read about women being wary of financial help or free holidays from PILS because they feel that the PILS are trying to buy their way into their family.
In the end OP, you call the shots ( and it sounds as if you do anyway). What is idyllic for you is clearly not idyllic for your partner.
You also haven't replied to the question about spending time with your partner's family.