Holiday with parents

[Lastdayblues]

Currently on holiday with DS (1), DP, DM and DF.

for context, parents have paid for holiday and (almost) all expenses. Haven’t asked for anything in return and don’t guilt trip, “we just want you to enjoy!” Is the answer if I ever bring it up. We live close to them and see them most days, which DP hates, he is extremely jealous (by his own admission) and thinks his DS won’t love him as much because his grandparents are around. I have some sympathy that it probably is a lot but not sure what else to do as we rely on my DM for childcare (we can’t afford nursery) and DF is working hard renovating for us on the weekend. We don’t (usually) see them the two days I have off from work whilst on my phased return from maternity.

Anyway, we are now on holiday, staying in our own apartment but near to my DP. Every morning DS wakes up around 6:30, he has his bottle we play, have breakfast, get ready and go for a walk for his morning nap. We get back, have lunch and down by the pool at around 2 where we see my DP and we all play in the pool together. We get back to the apartment for 3 for his nap, play, get ready for the night. We meet my parents at 6:30 at the restaurant until about 8:30 when it’s back for bedtime.

DP is angry that he “doesn’t get a minute” with his son, that it’s “not normal” and “fucking weird” for grandparents to spend that much time with him. He points out dad’s playing with their son in the pool as evidence of how wrong it is that DS has his grandparents with him.

we are now on our last day of the holiday and sat in the room because we’ve argued and DP refuses to go anywhere, he says he regrets ever having our son because he didn’t realise his life would be this bad. He’s called me names and says how much he hates me and our life because my parents ruin it.

If that woman was happy to take free childcare, a free holiday, and free renovation work from the in laws, but was throwing temper tantrums because they want to spend time with their grandchild, blowing up on her partner over it and wishing her child had never been born? Instead of talking about it like a grown up? Nah, I'd think she was exactly as much of a dick as I think the OPs partner is. Genitals has nothing to do with this.

so if it's that big of a burden HE needs to work out a way of paying for childcare/sorting out his shifts to pick up his DC.

You don't get to benefit from free holidays and childcare but also be a sulky ungrateful little twat about it.

I also don't agree that it's not about the holiday when OP says things like "He points out dad’s playing with their son in the pool as evidence of how wrong it is that DS has his grandparents with him." He clearly thinks its weird for children to go on holiday with their extended family, which of course it isn't, regardless of him personally not WANTING to be on this holiday....and again, if it was such an imposition he should have just not come on the holiday and let OP and DS go alone, then he could have taken a week off work a different time to spend exclusively just him and his DS if it means that much to him.

Like others have said, this would read completely differently if it was the OP holidaying with her in laws. So on the whole holiday there has not been a single day where they have not seen the OPs parents. Leaving everything else aside, that's pretty full on for anyone. Yes, he is probably acting a bit spoilt here but I think the OP also needs to respect her partners needs too. It sounds like her parents are literally involved in every aspect of their lives. That would be very overwhelming for a lot of people.

TheFairyCaravan · Today 13:11
Catico · Today 12:45
**
I just know the answers would be very different if a woman was expected to spend so much time with her in laws and she would complain about being suffocated.
Yep. It would be a whole different thread”

Really? On a holiday they’ve paid for, which she’d accepted? I don’t think so.

He sounds terrible . I don't think you are with your parents an unreasonable amount. If they provide childcare of course you will see them every day. And they've paid for your holiday but paid for you a separate chalet and are not with you all.
Does he complain about the free childcare? And the free holiday? What is wrong with a grandparent wanting to play in the pool with their grandchild?
He sounds selfish, jealous and unpleasant

@Lastdayblues everyone has their tipping point, he obviously has been feeling this for a while.

@MrsSkylerWhite
All the threads I have looked at on this topic, have advice on the lines that there is no such thing as a free lunch when it comes to holidaying with your in laws.

I was married for twenty years.

I didn't go on holiday with my in laws for the last fifteen of them because I found it too much.

I would have a lot of sympathy for the DH if he decided that going on holiday with the in laws was too much and he didn't want to do it again.

That's completely fair.

It's more problematic when he doesn't want the in laws to see his DS but they are providing free childcare. I don't see how that circle can be squared.

But please, please all the posters supporting the OP holidaying with her parents regardless of her partner's views, come and support the men who want their wives to holiday with his parents.

Catico · Today 13:16
@MrsSkylerWhite
All the threads I have looked at on this topic, have advice on the lines that there is no such thing as a free lunch when it comes to holidaying with your in laws”

Well, obviously. If you’re accepting their hospitality (and free childcare/house renovations every week), is spending 3 hours per day in their company on holiday really too much to ask?
If you don’t want their company, don’t accept their hospitality.

Your whole life sounds suffocating. I adore my PILs but I couldn’t spend the amount of time your DP is expected to spend with your parents with them.

Wow talk about jumping to conclusions. I will be a Ms until I die. Both of us are legally protected in all ways.

I can assure you that the bank takes their mortgage payment from our account, not my DPs.

Your DH has got a problem...

This is not normal

our DS sees my parents a lot… not DP.

for our one week holiday DP sees them 2-3 hours a day

I am a GP we have been on holiday with our children and grandchildren.Like Ops parents we paid for everything. But we stayed in the same accommodation and spent every day on the holiday with them. At no point did my Sil complain or have a tantrum. In fact the opposite. When they suggested they might want to do something alone he said no as they came on holiday with us.
It makes no difference if it's the man or woman's family providing the free childcare and paying for the holiday someone behaving as OPs partner did is being completely unreasonable.

Did your DH come willingly on this holiday?

I mean his behaviour seems bizarre, your DPs seem to be going out of their way not to be overly intrusive on the trip they booked and paid for.

You couldn’t afford a holiday, so your parents paid for you to go on holiday- just on the same one they were going on at the same time. They got to have holiday with their DGC and DD, they didn’t just offer to pay for you to go away as a 3. Your DP didn’t get a say in where he took his son on his first holiday.

their help- both physical and financial- comes with strings of additional time and interface. Your DP has reached his limit. Logically, he may well understand he can’t have the lifestyle he has without their help and they won’t just give money, they want time too, and it could well be he’s accepted the trade off until it became too much that he never gets time away. He never gets to make decisions about his family without their involvement (because they are paying, they make decisions.)

so what would he like to happen? Does he want to wait on the renovations until you can afford to pay someone to do it/do it himself ? Does he want to go part time and accept a smaller lifestyle to have more time with ds and less family childcare? Does he want to save for cheaper holidays that are just you three? Does he want to trade down the house to one you can afford and afford childcare?

or does he want to accept until your dc is at preschool and childcare becomes a bit cheaper, they will be very involved but you both agree to ringfence the rest of the time to be just the 3 of you? Practice saying “no thank you” to offers of holidays or DIY or anything else.

If the sexes were swapped in the above scenario I would feel exactly the same

1. Who is with your son until 2?
2. Is dp willing to take on the childcare and renovation work your parents are doing?

I assume OP and her DPs didn't have a gun to his head. He could have used his words and said 'id rather we didn't go'

The way you describe your holiday sounds incredibly suffocating - like there's no room for any spontaneity because you have to go to the pool and see your parents at X time and have to be back out for dinner at Y time.

Why can't you spend the morning in the pool with DS and then you spend some time with your parents alone while DP has some father/son time with DS? Can you suggest eating dinner just the three of you at least once too?

I really wouldn't want to spend my annual leave having to eat dinner with my in-laws every night, even if it was on a free holiday. I totally see where he's coming from here.

You said “We live close to them and see them most days, which DP hates…DF is working hard renovating for us on the weekend…We don’t (usually) see them the two days I have off from work whilst on my phased return from maternity…” in your OP so I find it very hard to believe that your DP only sees your parents 2-3 hours a day for one week, whilst he’s on a holiday paid for by them.

I didn't mean your home and DS etc, I meant the holiday. It might feel perfect to you but I wondered whether he felt excluded on the holiday. But I see you added later that you, your partner and son have been together all day and your parents have only been joining you for 2-3 hours.

Same. I'd feel that the daily schedule is very much constrained. I'd rather pay for a holiday myself.

Hard to believe?? Which bit? To be clear I’m not saying he never sees them for the rest of the year…just that it’s only daily on holiday. Otherwise he sees them when dropping off for childcare twice a week and will help dad if he is working on the house a day on the weekend.
What would I gain from lying on an anonymous forum?