Holiday with parents

[Lastdayblues]

Currently on holiday with DS (1), DP, DM and DF.

for context, parents have paid for holiday and (almost) all expenses. Haven’t asked for anything in return and don’t guilt trip, “we just want you to enjoy!” Is the answer if I ever bring it up. We live close to them and see them most days, which DP hates, he is extremely jealous (by his own admission) and thinks his DS won’t love him as much because his grandparents are around. I have some sympathy that it probably is a lot but not sure what else to do as we rely on my DM for childcare (we can’t afford nursery) and DF is working hard renovating for us on the weekend. We don’t (usually) see them the two days I have off from work whilst on my phased return from maternity.

Anyway, we are now on holiday, staying in our own apartment but near to my DP. Every morning DS wakes up around 6:30, he has his bottle we play, have breakfast, get ready and go for a walk for his morning nap. We get back, have lunch and down by the pool at around 2 where we see my DP and we all play in the pool together. We get back to the apartment for 3 for his nap, play, get ready for the night. We meet my parents at 6:30 at the restaurant until about 8:30 when it’s back for bedtime.

DP is angry that he “doesn’t get a minute” with his son, that it’s “not normal” and “fucking weird” for grandparents to spend that much time with him. He points out dad’s playing with their son in the pool as evidence of how wrong it is that DS has his grandparents with him.

we are now on our last day of the holiday and sat in the room because we’ve argued and DP refuses to go anywhere, he says he regrets ever having our son because he didn’t realise his life would be this bad. He’s called me names and says how much he hates me and our life because my parents ruin it.

I understand they’re not his parents… but to blow up over an hour at the pool and 2 hours for dinner together?

He’s acting like a jealous little child.
he’s on a free holiday and your parents provide free childcare and help you out financially? He needs to catch himself on!
You see threads on here where grandparents have zero interest I. Their grandchildren and don’t care whether their kids are struggling or not. I’d be asking him if this would be his preference.

@Lastdayblues you are deliberately missing the point. It’s not about the holiday. The holiday is the straw that broke the camel’s back. He’s fed up that 5/7 days, day in, day out, your parents are there.

you need to stand on your own two feet.

I would have loved this but knew he would blow up over it so I would never suggest it.

But you’re going to have to say no to the excessive financial help to make that happen.

DP is extremely jealous (by his own admission) and thinks his DS won’t love him as much because his grandparents are around

This is batshit.

I think he himself just doesn't want to spend so much time with your parents (understandably may be) but is blaming it on being worried about his relationship with his son. What manipulative nonsense.

He needs to get over himself and be a bit more gracious about the amount of support you are all benefitting from.

I would be very happy if DPs DM were to pay for us to go on holiday. I would quite happily let them have all the time together they want.. I might even get a night off from it!

My reading of this is that you are just having dinner with them every day?

If your DP wants more 1:1 time, why isn't he the one getting up at 6.30am for playtime and a walk? I don't understand why he's not seeing his DS until 2pm if he wants to spend more time with him....

He has him 24 hours a day, just my parents also join us in the pool around 2pm and also for dinner

Agree but he can’t seem to be reasonable about it to have a proper talk. We’re at a stalemate because although I understand how it might be irritating for him to see my parents so much, we are extremely lucky and I’m not sure what other options we have. I already make sure we don’t see them unless there’s a reason.

Sorry it's your DH/DP issue and he's being unreasonable and quite frankly he's being the weird one!

If you had another child does he think he couldn't love that one just as much, does he think love is finite??

I blame Liz

But I have read threads on here when posters who use their MILS for childcare clearly worry that their children will become overly attached to them. Surely you can understand how that might feel.
Do be honest you do sound like your family is taking over and you are closer to them than your partner.
It may be that ultimately this is not going to work for you and your partner and he may prefer a relationship which isn't so enmeshed with his wife's family.

He actually mentioned in argument that “maybe we should have another child so they see that child and I have more time with DS”

I don’t think he can imagine also loving new child or that my parents wouldn’t stop loving current DS??

He is being ridiculous. It sounds like you are seeing them for a few hours in the afternoon and for dinner which is plenty but hardly excessive considering you are on a free holiday!

He is also happy to accept free childcare and work on the house. It also seems like he is not considering the benefit to your ds of having living and involved grandparents in his life. I would have one conversation where you outline this to him and also be clear that your son will love him the sane amount whether his grandparents are there or not . I would also encourage him to spend time with his son alone. He could take him swimming every weekend or whatever. He is responsible for creating a relationship with his son.

He needs a slap round the face with a wet fish imo. My dc have no dgps.. I am nc with my dps and ils dumped us when ds was born. When your perfect dc is 2 he will be begging your dps to have him.

It's all comes down to the dynamic. In example some people are relaxed in front of their in laws and having them on holiday doesn't matter. Others feel they can't relax and it's anything than a holiday. ^

I am in the latter, my in laws are old fashioned, prudent, no phones, talking about current affairs and cooking from scratch people. I'm a phone/sunbed/restaurant person on holiday. Anything to unwind from work! I will never go on holiday with them again, joining them on their holiday for a long weekend was enough and we now have my son and I would rather not have the childcare and spend my annual leave how I want to.^

However it seems you don't have the option of your own holidays, and Interestingly, DP is focusing on your parents taking valuable time away from him and his son rather than dynamic. It doesn't sound like it adds up given the time you've stated is being spent with them.

The real root may well be that he longs to take his family away but cannot afford to. Or longs to be in a position to pay for childcare so he does not feel indebted to your parents. Maybe he feels less of himself because he knows that deep down your parents know he/you cannot afford nursery nor holidays, even with their support for free care.

Whichever way you look at it, your parents have offered to pay for your holiday because they're nice people and see you can't afford it, this on top of the free childcare. ^I imagine he finds that condescending even though it's not and it's hit a nerve and he's pretending it's due to quality time with his son but it's not.
^
Sometimes people can do too much for another person, seems to me the more your parents do, the more inferior your DH feels. Something to be aware of.
^
You said you're going back to work, so if you're both working and not paying for childcare, will that help?^

it is rare on here to read about men objecting to the over involvement of his wife's family. I do remember the East End one where his wife texted her mother lots and lots through out the day, even after they had had sex. Her husband felt completely overwhelmed by his MILS involvement in their family and personal life. That was a marriage where his wife's primary relationship was with her mother and her husband was an after thought.

agree

I don't think other posters have read your post properly, they seem to think you spend all day together when you've made it really clear from the OP, and clarified again since that it's 3 hours max.

Three hours max per day when they have paid for you to go on holiday, have a completely different room etc is completely normal. When we go on holiday with my DPs/when we went away with DGP when I was a child we spent nearly the whole day together - because that was the point of going away together. And tbh I/my parents loved the break!

Your DP sounds really aggressive and weird. How can he say he doesn't get a minute with his son when the 3 of you are alone together for 21 out of 24 hours a day on this holiday? How can GP playing with their DGS in the pool for ONE HOUR be anything other than lovely?

It's pathetic to be jealous and think your DS will love him less because he has a close relationship with his GPs - most parents think the more people who love and care for their child the better. Love doesn't work like that. If he's like this how worked up is he going to get when DS spends time and gets attention from teachers/friends as he grows up.

I just know the answers would be very different if a woman was expected to spend so much time with her in laws and she would complain about being suffocated.

Maybe once a week or two? They were no contact for a long time and I am now trying to foster their relationship for the sake of our son. I firmly believe the more people that love my DS the better.

my parents are incredibly generous, I would not ask them to pay for us to go away on top of everything else they do for us. The scenario when we go away with them makes it much cheaper and more reasonable.

would love to promise a holiday but currently afford it. Very much in our plans though, I’ve made it clear we don’t want to go away with my parents all the time (DP have even said it many times “don’t think you have to come with us all the time you have to make sure you do your own thing too!”)

He sounds really insecure and immature tbh, he should be thankful for how much time effort and money your parents give you both

He actually mentioned in argument that “maybe we should have another child so they see that child and I have more time with DS”

I don’t think he can imagine also loving new child or that my parents wouldn’t stop loving current DS??

He has some really weird beliefs around parenting, love and attachment. Worryingly weird. Would he may be do some parenting classes to get exposed to some healthier approaches?

I’ve just replied to someone else saying the same.. the more people that love my DS the better.

I was incredibly close to my grandparents and DP actually uses that as an example of how weird it is. He says “you talk about them all the time! Not right your parents are the main ones!” And yet we are also apparently too close? I think that’s the perfect example of how much you can love your DGP and your DP bloody loads without any compromise.