Holiday with parents

[Lastdayblues]

Currently on holiday with DS (1), DP, DM and DF.

for context, parents have paid for holiday and (almost) all expenses. Haven’t asked for anything in return and don’t guilt trip, “we just want you to enjoy!” Is the answer if I ever bring it up. We live close to them and see them most days, which DP hates, he is extremely jealous (by his own admission) and thinks his DS won’t love him as much because his grandparents are around. I have some sympathy that it probably is a lot but not sure what else to do as we rely on my DM for childcare (we can’t afford nursery) and DF is working hard renovating for us on the weekend. We don’t (usually) see them the two days I have off from work whilst on my phased return from maternity.

Anyway, we are now on holiday, staying in our own apartment but near to my DP. Every morning DS wakes up around 6:30, he has his bottle we play, have breakfast, get ready and go for a walk for his morning nap. We get back, have lunch and down by the pool at around 2 where we see my DP and we all play in the pool together. We get back to the apartment for 3 for his nap, play, get ready for the night. We meet my parents at 6:30 at the restaurant until about 8:30 when it’s back for bedtime.

DP is angry that he “doesn’t get a minute” with his son, that it’s “not normal” and “fucking weird” for grandparents to spend that much time with him. He points out dad’s playing with their son in the pool as evidence of how wrong it is that DS has his grandparents with him.

we are now on our last day of the holiday and sat in the room because we’ve argued and DP refuses to go anywhere, he says he regrets ever having our son because he didn’t realise his life would be this bad. He’s called me names and says how much he hates me and our life because my parents ruin it.

Your “D”P is an extremely insecure parent and he needs to work on that. In the 20 years I’ve been with my husband, we’ve holidayed with our respective parents and with both occasionally. Routine goes out of the window, everyone usually does/ plans what they like but we spend most evenings together and most of the days by the pool together. We enjoy each other’s company and like you, I love seeing how loved my children are. Does your partner generally get in with your parents? They sound lovely btw and it doesn’t sound like their help comes with strings attached, more that you enjoy each other’s company. We live within a mile of my parents and IL’s. We don’t find it suffocating because we set our boundaries, as I’m sure you do OP. Your DH needs to work on his insecurities, no one can take the place of a great parent but there is space in your child’s life for more people too.

There’s no constraints other than the ones the baby puts on us!

no plans made just by the time he is done with nap and lunch and a change it’s usually around 2pm

If I put myself in your partner’s shoes I would feel like your nuclear family is made up of you, your parents and your DS with me playing a bit part on the side. I would feel resentful.

Was the decision to buy a house that needed major renovation while also having a new baby made in isolation from your parent’s involvement or was it bought with the intention of your dad doing all this work?

Did your partner actively choose to put you both in the position where your son is being looked after your mother during the working week and your house is being renovated by your father every weekend or was it just presented as his only choice?

Is this childcare / renovation / holiday scenario genuine kindness or a way of you and your parents staying asa unit?

we are now on our last day of the holiday and sat in the room because we’ve argued and DP refuses to go anywhere, he says he regrets ever having our son because he didn’t realise his life would be this bad. He’s called me names and says how much he hates me and our life because my parents ruin it.

Your husband sounds like a sulky teenager. It also sounds like he's trying to isolate you from your family by insisting them being around is ruining his life and relationship with his son. And when you dont agree he verbally abuses you. Do not let this happen OP. We hear all the time how men change after children come along. Your husband is a walking red flag.

But there are, because your parents expect to see you for dinner every night and join you at the pool everyday!

Why can't you do those things on your own sometimes and they join you for lunch or breakfast instead?

Your DP is quite clearly saying to you that he’s had enough of your parents being around 24/7. He wants to spend more time with his child without them being involved but you’re not listening.

I would find your dps attitude very hard to stomach. I’d stop going on the morning walk, tell him he can have his child 100% to himself for those hours every day. And have some time to myself, which it doesn’t sound like happens often. Also, I think you need a hobby, one that means your dp does dinner bath and bed one night a week on his own and maybe gains some appreciation of how useful the help he has been so rude about is, and how you make his life easier every day so maybe he could have a little respect for your wishes and feelings too.

I think the answer here depends on your DP and what you think about him. Is he a kind / caring person usually? None of us can know.

If my DH reacted like this I would really listen because he is incredibly tolerant and kind usually. Is your DP usually selfish and unkind?

I have to be honest I would find it very very wearing spending that much time with inlaws - dinner etc all the time.

BUT - some of what your partner is saying sounds really nasty so - I'm not sure how to think about it.

You go on a holiday paid for by your parents and there is an expectation you spend time together. What did DH think would happen?
(I've been with my parents and kids many times.....sometimes dh comes for the week, sometimes a long weekend then leaves and sometimes he doesn't come at all.
Now - we have paid for my parents to come a few times and it changes the dynamic.
However, the memories are precious and can't be made another way.)

I also wonder how you are tight for money with 2 of you working and childcare provided by parents.

I guess your husband is feeling emasculated by your dad being top dog. When you get he make sure your husband has some time him and son without your parents being around. (Don't let your dad come over every weekend to do the DIY
.....yes it might get done quicker but you also need time alone).

You go on a holiday paid for by your parents and there is an expectation you spend time together. What did DH think would happen?

I think there's a difference between spending some time together and having all your afternoons and evenings taken over by your in-laws.

24/7 being 3 days a week childcare (where DP is not there) and 1 day working on house?

or do you mean 24/7 being 3 hours whilst on holiday?

She doesn't literally mean 24-7, she means being there more often than not. It changes the dynamics massively, especially when you're the "outsider".

It’s obvious that you don’t want anyone to disagree with you or your idyllic set up, however your DP is telling you it’s too much and I agree with him.

but also more often than not is not accurate. I don’t mind if you think what we do is too much but incorrect language makes it hard to work with cos obviously everyone would agree they shouldn’t be there 24/7 or “more often than not”.

3 hours on holiday, 4 days a week at home (because of childcare). How do we make it less than that without cutting off our nose to spite our face?

Well he's happy to come on a free holiday, all paid for by them, and there seems plenty of time for him to have your DS! It seems you only see them at dinner and pool times. What's he doing the rest of the time OP? What's the relationship with his own parents? Yours sound absolutely lovely by the way, you're very lucky.

I understand they’re not his parents… but to blow up over an hour at the pool and 2 hours for dinner together?

This isn't about the few hours they spend with OPs parents on holiday. This is about how much time is DS spends with the grandparents overall, on a day-to-day basis, and how very enmeshed the grandparents are in their lives. As much as I love my parents, and my in-laws, I'd really struggle with that level of involvement in my day to day life.

OP - does your DH work long hours, does he see his DS much in the evenings, or at the weekends? Does he get as much opportunity to spend time with his DS one-on-one as the grandparents do? I can sort of see where he is coming from, if DS sees more of his grandparents than he does of his dad. That can be tough on a parent, even though it's no-one's fault. On the face of it, he's being unreasonable about the holiday, but perhaps it's the straw that has broken the camel's back.

It's easy to say he should feel lucky, but perhaps he just feels stuck in this situation, and guilty that he can't provide enough for his family so it doesn't need to be this way. It does sound quite full on.

I feel that your Parents are a bit over involved, which isnt a problem as long as everyone involved is happy with it.
However, it is making your H uncomfortable so maybe its a bit much. Having said that he doesnt need to behave like a twat rather than have an adult conversation with you

Well, for the holiday you could say to them that you'd like to switch things up a bit - have an afternoon and evening to yourselves without your parents having to be there at the same time everyday. Maybe your DP would feel better if he saw them at breakfast and then had the rest of the day "free" for example. Or maybe they could supervise nap time so you could have time as a couple.

The childcare and renovation issues are obviously a bit more complex but I can see why he feels the way he does. It's a lot of input and control from your parents.

You haven't said anything positive about your partner. You have described your parents in glowing terms and your relationship and lifestyle with their involvement as idyllic.
It does appear that your primary relationship is with your parents. You may not want it to be the case but it may well appear to your partner that you and your parents and your son are the nuclear family and he is an outsider.
I don't think you want to see it from his perspective and it may well be that by splitting up, your partner will feel that his relationship with his son will benefit.

Right. So your DP is happy to have a holiday at your parents expense but begrudges them an hour at the pool and two hours in a restaurant? He's happy to accept free child care and house renovations but doesn't like the fact your parents have to be present to perform these services? And to top it all he is telling you he wishes he hadn't had his son? To be fair to him, he probably has good reason to fear bring usurped by your parents. They sound lovely and he sounds like a childish entitled ingrate. Your son probably will prefer his grandparents when he's old enough to see them all for who they are.

Right. So your DP is happy to have a holiday at your parents expense but begrudges them an hour at the pool and two hours in a restaurant? He's happy to accept free child care and house renovations but doesn't like the fact your parents have to be present to perform these services?

Where does it say he's happy about any of those things?

As lovely as they sound I don't think your DP is happy with them being around so often. He's acting like a twat though

Only because that is what’s relevant to the conversation.
I am not concerned about our nuclear family, we are a team. We spent lots of quality time together and we get along very well. I have lots of nice things to say about my partner. But I would just like opinions on this one point. (Which admittedly I think he’s being unreasonable over). It’s relevant that my parents are kind and understanding as I’m sure the responses would be very different otherwise.

I agree with this. Your partner is reacting badly but I can well see he might feel quite stifled. Your holiday sounds quite regimented as well although I understand babies bring limitations and routines can be helpful.

I’m about to go away with my own in-laws for a week (never actually done a week, 3/4 days tops) so we’ll see how that goes!

I think little children always have a close relationship with their main care givers. It may be why so many posters on here do not want their MILS doing childcare. Children change when they get older and what seems idyllic to you, becomes harder when grandparents are older and more demanding.
I know many many posters on here would rather have less of the supposedly idyllic lifestyle with Mummy and Daddy (PILS) and more of standing on your own feet as a family.