WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

[CoCoaButter85]

So husband got diagnosed with prostate cancer and having an operation in a month's time. He is late 40's I'm late 30's. As unfortunate as it is, I thought we discussed, we cried and I thought we were at the place where things were fine.

However, he completely started loosing his mind. Drinking himself into coma, smashed the chair around the house breaking it as well as damaging the floor and just making mess all over While all this time shouting and swearing. He's not engaging with me, responds in swear words. He had similar things happened to him in the past, went and found help and was coping really well until now.

To make matters even worse. He was supposed to do sperm freezing and we are due to have egg collection late next week. I have no idea if any of this is going to happen. I'm certainly going ahead with the treatment and freeze my own eggs if hr doesn't get a grip by then.

I just don't know what to do. Trying to talk to him is pointless. I just keep on carrying on with work and having some sort of normality as all he does just drinks and screams abuse after (not at me, just to the world in general)

saying I should give some of his assets to his best friends

That indicates he is planning on doing something to himself. You need to contact an ambulance/mental crisis, and at least let his family know. Even let these best friends know.

It's good you have a plan. I hope women's aid help.

You can't spend 24 hours a day sorting his life out, you need to put yourself first. He can access help himself, he can give assets to his friends, he can go to the doctor and call the nurse. He sounds so wound up in anger and hatred that he can't get out oif now and is on self destruction . I would call his gp or cancer nurse and say you have had to leave because of his behaviour just to let them know that. I wouldn't respond to emails or messages. If this is affecting your work would a day off help and a talk to your own gp.

I think you should consider taking a couple of days off work to get yourself sorted. You have so much on your plate, no employer would begrudge you some time to get some stuff organised

Thank goodness you don't have children with this man.

Throw him away and live your life free of a man like this.

@TraitorsGate - he certainly is consumed by his own anger. I could see him controlling it during the week but it just built up. Regarding his cancer nurse - realistically, what is that she would be able to do? Would his condition mean he might be at risk having his operation delayed. I suppose doing that would give me some sort of peace of mind regarding his well being.

As for myself speaking to GP would possibly provide options of organizing some psychological help.

I do feel wobbly emotionally and not looking forward to the weekend. Will try thinking of things to do to keep myself busy x

I'm so sorry you're being put through this.

The cancer is a side issue - the point is he is abusing you, physically, verbally, emotionally. This is who he is, not who you thought he was. And it's the fantasy him you're clinging on to loving.

Please tell your manager, or HR - anyone at work you trust. Everything reads as though this is something shameful, something to be hidden. And this is how abusers have always kept their victims under control.

They need to know so they can support you. Having someone in real life on your side will help. They may have an employee assistance programme - legal advice, counselling, advances on salary if you need to arrange more accommodation, maybe even arrange for someone to always be with you when you go home, collect things, have meetings with him to discuss future plans etc. Don't go alone. He's already broken the boundaries and hit you. Yes, slapping is hitting, is violence, is assault.

If you have a joint account it might be wise to take exactly half and put it in a separate account, as you'll have expenses.

Please read the image below

@CoCoaButter85 I think you could tell his cancer nurse as the may be able to get help sorted for him much more easily than gp. also cancer nurses are used to patients having all sorts of mental health fall outs following diagnosis.

but please don't get involved beyond that. your own safety and mental health comes first

"To torture me even more he now has written a goodbye email saying I should give some of his assets to his best friends. It's torturing".

Don't let yourself be tortured by this - better to distance yourself and try to let professionally trained people deal with him.
This may seem harsh but it's better that there is not a child involved in this situation - you have enough to deal with as it is.
I hope that one day you can look back on this and be glad it is in the past.

Hi OP, I saw your thread when you first posted and caught up with your updates today. So sorry things haven't improved for you and he has now physically assaulted you. I can't imagine the anguish you are going through right now. Please remember that your own physical and mental wellbeing is most important. Please stay safe xx

Thank you all for kind words. I seriously thought that after the first incident things have settled down and that was it. Oh well, life throws all sorts of eventualities at you.

Thankfully I received no further communication from him today. I saw he had what looked like a counseling session (he has access to it through private insurance) if not at least a very long video chat with a friend.

I arranged myself a room for next few days through Airbnb (staying in a hotel just gets too expensive). Area I never been to so will be good to explore a bit and relax. Very small room but seems I've left booking till the very last minute so it will have to do for now.

I know it sounds cruel but I seriously think that I am getting myself out of a longer term trouble and misery. I would have done all I could to live with his cancer diagnosis and all of the potential side affects afterwards but living with abuse is not the way forward

Nope doesn't sound cruel at all. Sounds like you have realised you don't have to put up with behaviour like this from him.

Hi @CoCoaButter85
Depending on your area/service I’d also advise letting his cancer nurse know about the issues. As cancer is a challenging path services have mental health provision. Often this is from highly qualified Clinical Psychologists as it’s a specialist area. They will have experience of all sorts of reactions to diagnosis and treatment, and won’t judge.

@CoCoaButter85

No, living with abuse is never the answer, no matter what the 'reason' behind the abuse may be. Because there is NEVER a good reason to be abusive.

I do think you need to let his treatment team know about his behaviour, for two reasons. Firstly, because it will help you to 'let go' knowing that others, professionals, are on the case. Secondly, because it will hopefully lead to him getting the help he needs.

Is there family of his that you can contact to let them know? I know if he was my son or my brother, I'd want to know even if I lived too far away to be of practical help.

You're doing so well. You may not feel it, but you really are.

Have you actually told his parents whats happening ? Because if he harmed himself they would, rightly or wrongly, blame you for not alerting "someone"

You don't sound cruel at all, quite the reverse.

I think you would always be worried about something like this happening again.

As you said upthread, having a child would be very risky - there would be bound to be some stressful situations in life, and him reacting like this would be dangerous for you and any child.

Don't ever feel guilt tripped into anything, I would just let his family and nurse know you've had to leave, if they ask why you tell them he's become aggressive, angry and has hit you. Then step away, let others carry the load. You don't need to be his punchbag or only means of "support ". I bet he won't shout, swear and hit anyone else. Try and enjoy the bank holiday weekend, are there places to visit and relax where you are.

No it doesn’t. It’s emotional control and right out of the abusers playbook. OP shouldn’t give it head space.

@Mix56 - he is in no contact with his mum (for good reasons) and accidentally found out that dada passed away quite a while back now. He has a sister but no contact with her also for more than 10yrs now. So I don't think me informing them would do anything. He has a couple of good friends who live in Scandinavia. People here are more of acquaintances rather.

@TraitorsGate - no, very unlikely to hit or about at anyone. By the looks of it that's saved for me only....

There was a couple when we went on holiday abroad. After a few days wife was around with what looked like bruises on her face covered in make up. They were still together. I felt really sorry for her. If you had a face to face conversation with me you could clearly see a bruise by my lip as well. Doesn't matter what make up I use. I will have meetings with people on Tuesday, no idea how I will manage to cover that. Might have to pop into boots over the weekend get some masking make-up product.

Arnica cream/gel should help reduce bruising OP, might be worth a try

............

@Flugelb1nder - you haven’t read the bit where he hit her, yet in her last post (above yours) she is concerned about hiding her bruised and swollen lip from where HE HIT HER. However terrified of his own mortality he may be, it doesn’t excuse him smashing up their house, cursing and swearing at her, and finally smacking her across the face.
At least read all her posts before posting patronising advice.

You can remove yourself as nok or as a contact from any of his paperwork, gp, hospital notes etc,

Just a quick update. Arrived at my Airbnb. The house is simple but clean and cozy. Much better than a hotel (especially really cheap one I stayed in yesterday, it was awful!) It feels more like at home, visiting my older cousin. I feel really good and calm here. Will have a good night's sleep and plan something nice to do for myself over the weekend. Finally I feel really calm and collected. First time in the last few weeks. Bliss..

Thank you ladies for all the support. You all helped me so much when I needed it most. Regardless what people say about mumsnet, in a case of crisis it can really help you out!