WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

[CoCoaButter85]

So husband got diagnosed with prostate cancer and having an operation in a month's time. He is late 40's I'm late 30's. As unfortunate as it is, I thought we discussed, we cried and I thought we were at the place where things were fine.

However, he completely started loosing his mind. Drinking himself into coma, smashed the chair around the house breaking it as well as damaging the floor and just making mess all over While all this time shouting and swearing. He's not engaging with me, responds in swear words. He had similar things happened to him in the past, went and found help and was coping really well until now.

To make matters even worse. He was supposed to do sperm freezing and we are due to have egg collection late next week. I have no idea if any of this is going to happen. I'm certainly going ahead with the treatment and freeze my own eggs if hr doesn't get a grip by then.

I just don't know what to do. Trying to talk to him is pointless. I just keep on carrying on with work and having some sort of normality as all he does just drinks and screams abuse after (not at me, just to the world in general)

divorce specialist

@CoCoaButter85

How did you go about getting your belongings back?

Phone the police and they will send someone round with you to stay whilst you pack up some stuff

please phone one of the womens aid charities and ask their advice. They can recommend solicitors and benefits or places to stay.

This might be of help with thinking things through
https://www.separatespace.co.uk/
just heard about it on a podcast, currently offering a discount of 20% with code ‘everything20’

To torture me even more he now has written a goodbye email saying I should give some of his assets to his best friends. It's torturing.

I would contact his gp or crisis team, he's not being rational and this is really affecting your mental health too.

You need to go into a refuge and get the police to accompany you to retrieve your belongings. Stop worrying about him and worry about yourself instead. He slapped you across the face and threw you out of the house! Don't ever worry yourself about that knobhead again.

This is emotional abuse whether he is ill or not.
Have you spoken to women's aid?

I was chatting to women's aid when he sent me the email so got stressed and stopped the conversation to go to hotel as didn't want to alert anyone in tbe office for looking too distressed (surprised people didn't get alerted by my bruised lip, was trying gard to hide it). I'm looking into my face and my swollen lip. No amount of lipstick can hide that. Thankfully I had no direct meetings in the office today as people would have easily noticed. I will keep on thinking about this instead and try contacting women's aid when in a hotel again.

I am so thankful to all you ladies out there. You are helping me to keep common sense. I feel strong and encouraged by all of you. So thank you 🌸

@CoCoaButter85

You state that you really have to place to go, but does he? I mean like friends/family who would take him in?

Given that you have filed a report with the police, would you be able to get an occupation order so HE has to find somewhere else to live? Yes, I understand the cancer diagnosis, but if he has people who will take him in, let him go there.

As far as his 'goodbye email', I would contact the police (999?) and say that he has made a suicide threat. Either he will be taken somewhere for MH help or (if he's toying with you) it should scare the shit out of him that the police ended up on his doorstep and hopefully stop him from being manipulative in that way.

When my DH was first diagnosed his first and only thoughts were for me and wanting to be sure that I would have a 'smooth transition' (his term) if he were to die. Luckily enough his type of cancer was treatable and they caught it early. But he was honestly more upset at the idea that he might leave me 'in a mess' than the actual thought he might die. I do love that man!

You don't need to be ashamed - he does. Stop finding excuses for this selfish AH. He is drowning in self pity and the best thing you can do is jolt him out of it. Press charges for assault and force him into a psychiatric assessment via welfare check. Recognise that you cannot sort his issues - and being his punch bag helps neither of you. You sound a really nice, caring person. This is not what is needed. Get angry and accept that whatever he does is down to him - not you

And if I don't make sure he's looked after now when going to cancer treatment I am just being bad person.

You HAVE to change your narrative around this.

Not being a carer for somebody who has abused and assaulted you and made it VERY clear that they both hate you and are a threat to your safety is NOT being a bad person.

I'd also argue that forcing yourself on somebody who doesn't want your help or even for you to be around them, even if they have nobody else, isn't ethical either.

If he wants to burn the only bridge he's got, you don't try to wrestle the matches out of his hand while the place is engulfed in flames, you get off the damn bridge and stay out of harm's way.

Have you still got your key? The operation is pretty soon now. Arrange with the police and some friends or hire a man with a van to go to the house when you know he will be at the hospital and move your things out then.

In the meantime protect your digital assets. Change passwords, move money into an account he doesn't have access to. Ask women's aid, they probably have a list. BE PROACTIVE.

Please contact them again. The advice and support they can give is amazing. I really think you should be looking at getting him arrested and looking at getting an occupation order. He is in the wrong 100% and you have done nothing wrong.

I don't know, but might you be able to get an occupation order? Why should he keep the house?

In my specific situation I did not want to be on the house with my DD as I knew it wasn't very secure and he could come in easily.

I personally preferred to be staying at hotels/airbnbs and he didn't know where we were.

We collected some of our stuff when he was out at work (he works about an hour's drive away).

That was enough for a few weeks and then the rest was sorted by negotiation some time later.

You can ask the police to accompany you as well.

I know it must be very difficult to ignore this, but please remember that he chose to behave this way and assault you. Him contacting you like this is emotional control. He could chose to get help if he's feeling that low - I know from experience that's really tough to do but there's help out there in various forms. He's chosen not to do that but try and manipulate you instead. Another way of looking at it, and this is very blunt, is that he could've made his wishes known about leaving things to his friends in other ways if he was serious.

As others have suggested, contact the police for a welfare check if you're worried / it would make you feel easier. And speak to womens aid again if you can. Wishing you all the best and strength.

@noctilucentcloud Thank you for your kind words. Tbh, I was thinking the same. If you are serious about it, you wouldn't write emails like that. He's just doing it to torture me even me because he knows that I care.

I'm feeling very tired today as hardly slept last night. But came up with a list of immediate actions I need to take to keep me concentrated.

1. Accommodation
2. Women's Aid (chat opens at 9AM tomorrow so will get on speaking to them)
3. Longer term accomodation

Next week:

1. Solicitor
2. Getting belongings back /put arrangements in place for it
3. Therapy (unsurprisingly feel vulnerable)

Well done, that can't be easy to think through when you're tired let alone when you've had a shock and are trying to get your head around what's happenning. I'm not surprised you're feeling vulnerable.

Something else that occurred to me is money and are things like your email and bank accounts secure. But I'm sure womens aid will be able to advise you as well as giving you some support. I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.

@ThatLibraryDebate - I was thinking within the same lines if it's actually ethical me forcing my help onto him. Through private insurance he has talking therapy available, he just needs to arrange it.

I could potentially report his mental health to cancer nurse, but not sure if that would be the right approach to take.

I woke up this morning thinking why he's doing this to us. Our life was really good before diagnosis and even after he was coping ok, I was really proud of him. But the closer to the operation he is just loosing his shit. Destroying both of our lives completely. I am his only cheerleader and he's chosen to hurt me the most.

Had decent sleep for a change. Received yet another abusive email from him over night. I will just ignore it. No point reasoning.

Will start getting ready and go into the office early. Spend some time looking for accommodation, Women's aid and need to concentrate at work as yesterday my performance was poorly.

Thank you all for support, it means a lot to me. Without you all I wouldn't be able to get through this 💐

Sounds like his self-sabotage process has kicked in and uses drink to cope but also as an excuse to treat you poorly. Later on he will likely feel guilty and drink to make those feelings go away, then take it out on you again.

You have a choice to continue the way you are, or do something about it for yourself. Unfortunately there is a possibility that with him not having anyone to take it out on he may spiral even more but - that is not your problem and you have to think about yourself. Good luck

@iwillnotstaycalm - it makes sense. But I find it difficult to understand. I would never hurt my loved ones regardless how hard it is, how scared I am. It's just very spiteful and self destructive behavior

I work in DA and this is a standard tactic amongst those in abusive relationships I am sorry to say

I don't know where you are but there will be local charities that can help you. If West Sussex, My Sisters House, Worth and Safe in Sussex will be able to give you immediate support. They will do a risk assessment and potentially give you an option to put you into emergency accommodation for now until you have been able to get yourself sorted.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP