WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

[CoCoaButter85]

So husband got diagnosed with prostate cancer and having an operation in a month's time. He is late 40's I'm late 30's. As unfortunate as it is, I thought we discussed, we cried and I thought we were at the place where things were fine.

However, he completely started loosing his mind. Drinking himself into coma, smashed the chair around the house breaking it as well as damaging the floor and just making mess all over While all this time shouting and swearing. He's not engaging with me, responds in swear words. He had similar things happened to him in the past, went and found help and was coping really well until now.

To make matters even worse. He was supposed to do sperm freezing and we are due to have egg collection late next week. I have no idea if any of this is going to happen. I'm certainly going ahead with the treatment and freeze my own eggs if hr doesn't get a grip by then.

I just don't know what to do. Trying to talk to him is pointless. I just keep on carrying on with work and having some sort of normality as all he does just drinks and screams abuse after (not at me, just to the world in general)

Hi @CoCoaButter85 how are you doing? are you still at the hotel?

hope you managed to get some food in you and a little bit of rest.

just remember however tough his diagnosis is, it does not justify or excuse his behaviour and your safety always comes first. you also deserve a happy life where you are not terrified all the time.

a lot of people have unfortunate diagnoses, they live with it because they have to. his behaviour is a choice.

@therealcookiemonster - I'm just having dinner at the local hotel. Nothing fancy but certainly does the job. Will get dessert and then off to watch Eurovision tonight. Will just do my best to relax and have some decent sleep tonight as really need to. Will think of what to do next tomorrow morning x

Glad you are having some food. especially dessert! you also deserve some nice snacks for watching eurovision.

really glad you are safe and sound. sending you hugs.

@therealcookiemonster - thank you. That's what I think as well :) will get comfy in bed and enjoy the show. Huge Eurovision fan so it will be a nice treat :)

Bet you're exhausted. Enjoy Eurovision and your dessert

Good for you op, resting. Has he tried to make contact?

Have you had a cancer diagnosis ? Because l actually think OP’s ‘staggering lack of empathy’ is how many people would deal with the initial diagnosis and immediate aftermath - it’s certainly how myself and my partner dealt with my own breast cancer diagnosis. Obviously everyone deals with it differently but l think in the initial stages this is the reality for many couples.

A cancer diagnosis is a massive shock - most of us think of it as something that happens to someone else, not to ourselves and the world looks very different in its’ wake. So you talk it through, you maybe have a weep, you comfort each other and you decide how you are going to deal with it together.

There’s an interval of a few weeks where further testing takes place and then a treatment plan is put in place. It’s only a few weeks but it feels like an eternity until you get that treatment plan. And although l know my partner is there if l need to talk, it would make things much worse if we kept going over and over things. Once we know what treatment will involve we’ll talk again so that we’re both clear on what’s going to happen.

OP has already said the prognosis is good, as is my own, but they will also have been advised, as we were, that there are no guarantees with cancer and you have to get your head around that. It sounds as though that’s what’s happening here and it’s not OP’s fault that her DH has chosen to go off the deep end and use the diagnosis to abuse her.

How are you tonight Op?

We were told that with radiation, the problems are not immediate but do show up after a few months, including ED and incontinence. Both have a higher incidence of not resolving itself. Plus, if you then need surgery anyway, it can be much more difficult.

DH is having robotic surgery and will be in overnight. They listed incontinence and ED (there are pills for that) as possible/probably temporary problems. The only thing that makes me wheeze and worry is the catheter for a week. I have trouble with the three "Ps" and always have. (Weak stomach blush and humiliation)

@Nanaof1
Radiotherapy to the prostate is unlikely to cause ED and incontinence within a few months. ED can occur many years later. ED is likely while a man is on hormone therapy (and for a while after before testosterone returns).
Incontinence is ED are more likely with surgery in the first few months after. Over time most men recover these functions.

Just a quick update for everyone of where I am. So he has stopped drinking and calmed down now. However, he doesn't do anything apart from staying in the bedroom for the 5th day now. Doesn't talk to me. I just let him be. I'm doing egg collection to freeze all on my own. He can do his sperm freezing if he wants to separately.

I just want him to be well to get through the operation and recovery. But what not sure what I am going to do afterwards. It has been a good wake up call that this is not sustainable.

The operation itself is fine but certainly the side affects will be difficult to get through. I don't expect him to be the best but not the worst either when it comes to side effects. There will be continence issues as well as ED but he should recover at least to a satisfactory position

I do understand that he goes through different emotions and it is all valid and I respect that. I am not minimizing the effect of what he's going through. But at the same time treating me the way he did last week simply is not acceptable. I was stupid for not leaving the house earlier. I thought if I just wait it through he will be alright. He needs support etc. Anyway, here we are now. Will obviously help him with the operation but what to follow next is a different question completely.

I am just so angry at him. Was supporting him so much. Trying to re-assure him with ED problems especially. I know how sensitive he is about that. And all I got is slap in the face where I have to flee my own house. He realized the damage he did to the floor by throwing things around (he's usually worried about things like that as wants to keep the house in order) and I'm pretty sure he saw police coming to speak to me at night as well and me leaving with them. I do feel sorry for him but at the same time he did hurt me a lot with what he did

Its good that you’re ok. Put yourself first. He is ill but that is no excuse for violence against you. Stay safe. Start to organise your own life and living by yourself. You can still help in the company of other people (don’t be by yourself with him) but you won’t be in a relationship with this man.

So he's stopped drinking for now, but what happens when he picks up a drink in a few days?

You are being astoundingly stoic.
1000s of people have had prostate cancer, fortunately the majority recover very well.
My brother went through this too. He didn't smash up the house & cloister himself in his bedroom. He went to work & loved his family.
Yes its scary. But your H is off the wall.
Not a thought for you or how it will affect you. Smashing up your home, Physically threatening, & making you flee.
Frightening you is not an acceptable reaction.
Who does he think is going to look after him & love him after that?
He is in need if urgent psychological assistance.
As an aside, if its your home too, you need to protect your investment

I'm glad that you're ok and he's not currently drinking. It sounds like he's scared himself and probably embarrassed.
I would suggest that at the first sign of drinking again that you leave immediately for your own safety. It might be a good idea to keep an escape bag ready and packed in your car and hide a set of keys by the front door if you can - just in case.

You sound to me like you are still in denial of how serious this is. At any point anything could trigger him, he could have another drink and he could spiral again. Are you so focused on the ivf/egg collection that you aren’t seeing the bigger picture here?

Also, there is no “obviously” about helping him with his recovery if it means you are in danger.

I know you want to support him with the upcoming operation but don't hesitate to leave if he starts drinking or is abusive. He needs to know you won't put up with that even for a minute. Thinking longer term, I'd be preparing to leave for good. This is not a relationship which is going to bring you peace and happiness.

Please stop thinking of bringing a child into being in this situation.

You aren't safe - but you can leave.

A child would be trapped and helpless.

If anything were then to happen to your child, how would you feel knowing you'd inflicted this man on them?

Please see sense. He's not father material. He's dangerous.

Stay wary op and don't feel sorry. People like him are a rollercoaster. Great times when they sober up for a bit, then right back down to bottom. Back to great once they've done something truly awful that sobers them for another bit, then back down they go. Freeze your eggs, make plans to separate and tell him you'll stay supportive as a friend as long as he's sober. By now I'm sure you can tell right away when he's had a drink, so he can't try to hide it(which would probably also be his next trick)

There is no ‘obviously’ I’ll support him
through his op when you’ve had the police help you get your things from the house. Obviously, the most important thing is that you are safe. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep an abusive alcoholic warm. If he’s drinking and out if control you should stay out of his life, not bring him tea and mop his brow.

I can't fucking believe it. I'm at the hotel again. He literally kicked me out of the house again and emailed me saying he wants a divorce. I start to think that he's using this situation just to get rid of me. He's shifting the blame on me so he can get rid of me. I saw him do similar things to one of his friends once (different circumstances) but ultimately he just wanted to get rid of him.

I think I need to speak to a solicitor where I stand legally.

He wasn't even drunk, came home and just blew out. I don't think it would have mattered what the excuse was. Appreciate his mental health is vulnerable but this is just ridiculous. He slapped my face and I have swollen lip so going to police station in the morning to discuss what can be done

You need to stay away from him.

Cancer is an absolute bitch but it doesn't justify or excuse his behaviour.

Get off this roller coaster. You cannot help or reason with someone that doesn't want it.