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Original poster

WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

361 replies

CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 13:01

So husband got diagnosed with prostate cancer and having an operation in a month's time. He is late 40's I'm late 30's. As unfortunate as it is, I thought we discussed, we cried and I thought we were at the place where things were fine.

However, he completely started loosing his mind. Drinking himself into coma, smashed the chair around the house breaking it as well as damaging the floor and just making mess all over While all this time shouting and swearing. He's not engaging with me, responds in swear words. He had similar things happened to him in the past, went and found help and was coping really well until now.

To make matters even worse. He was supposed to do sperm freezing and we are due to have egg collection late next week. I have no idea if any of this is going to happen. I'm certainly going ahead with the treatment and freeze my own eggs if hr doesn't get a grip by then.

I just don't know what to do. Trying to talk to him is pointless. I just keep on carrying on with work and having some sort of normality as all he does just drinks and screams abuse after (not at me, just to the world in general)

OP posts:
Fecked · 10/05/2024 14:21

If you do decide to leave, make sure you send him an email outlining reasons so he can’t later say you abandoned him heartlessly. It might even bring him to his senses although he doesn’t sound like the type of person you need to be investing your time with. I hope he has a good outcome and I hope you have a much better future than one with him!

GoawaySunrise · 10/05/2024 14:28

My father has always been like this. Anything serious comes up, he gets absolutely wasted. He's in his 60s now. I would not have a child with a person like that op. You'll be left holding everything together everytime there's a crisis, which is doubly hard with a child. And all their memories of difficult times will be of you dealing with dad because he's slopped off in a corner somewhere.

Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 15:01

Thank you for all your replies. I will look and respond later on today (still trying to deliver my work today)

I think it is becoming unsafe for me to stay at my own home. So probably will have to come up with some sort of escape plan tonight. (I don't think it would be safe for me just to leave now)

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 10/05/2024 15:10

I think his reaction is scary and he needs help, now. It would be good of you to call his doctors right now and explain the situation. But I don't think you should stay with him - I don't think you would be safe. He actually sounds like he is having a breakdown.

What you wrote here jumped out at me:

'As unfortunate as it is, I thought we discussed, we cried and I thought we were at the place where things were fine.'

This shows a staggering lack of empathy on your part. Nothing excuses him drinking and smashing things up and swearing, btw. But do you seriously think it's all 'fine' when he's about to have a cancer op?

Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 15:11

Would it be an option to call police and ask them to assist me to leave the house safely?

I really hope he will fall asleep and this will give me an opportunity to pack and go at night. But currently it's just not looking good.

OP posts:
Boomer55 · 10/05/2024 15:12

He’s in shock. He needs support, so I’d forget about eggs and sperm, and just support him.

A Cancer diagnosis rocks your world.

Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 15:14

@Sapphire387 I probably didn't express myself correctly. I don't think it is fine. But I was under impression that we will get through this and we'll cope whatever happens

I am afraid to speak on the phone now so he doesn't come into my office (he's currently running around downstairs with a baseball bat). If I called ambulance/police would they actually do anything at all?

I think it is partially breakdown but mainly caused by a week of heavy drinking

OP posts:
Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 15:17

I explained him very calmly when he came into my office saying he will smash cars parked outside that I am scared for my safety and that his behavior is unacceptable. He said he doesn't care. I said I am the only one supporting him throughout all this and his response was he doesn't care. He is drunk out of his mind.

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 10/05/2024 15:18

CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 15:14

@Sapphire387 I probably didn't express myself correctly. I don't think it is fine. But I was under impression that we will get through this and we'll cope whatever happens

I am afraid to speak on the phone now so he doesn't come into my office (he's currently running around downstairs with a baseball bat). If I called ambulance/police would they actually do anything at all?

I think it is partially breakdown but mainly caused by a week of heavy drinking

If he is running round with a baseball bat then you need to call an ambulance and the police, yes. Tell them your husband is having a mental breakdown and he has a baseball bat. This is terrifying. Can you get out at all?

Boredandborder · 10/05/2024 15:19

Boomer55 · 10/05/2024 15:12

He’s in shock. He needs support, so I’d forget about eggs and sperm, and just support him.

A Cancer diagnosis rocks your world.

I know an awful lot of people living with a cancer diagnosis, including me. I've been through op, chemo, radio. Now on long term treatment. Friend's husband has been through treatment for prostate cancer as has my BIL. Two friends are being treated for bowel cancer. My mum died from breast cancer, as did a friend aged 35. I've met a lot of people braver than me, at the MacMillan centre.

I do not know a single person who has behaved this way. OP, get yourself to a place of safety with the assistance of the police if necessary.

TraitorsGate · 10/05/2024 15:23

Don't engage with him, just call 999 for an ambulance and the police, get your keys, phone, wallet and leave if its safe to go downstairs. When it all settles down contact his gp and crisis team if he has mh support in the past. It doesn't matter if he smashes things in the house, they are justbe,longings, personal safety for you both is the priority.

siameselife · 10/05/2024 15:25

Yes OP, if you have a man running around your house with a baseball bat and you feel unsafe then call the police.
Cancer is a very scary and stressful disease but it doesn't cause people to behave in this way. This is a choice that he is making.

AnnaMagnani · 10/05/2024 15:26

If he's running around downstairs with a baseball bat call the police now.

Sunbird24 · 10/05/2024 15:29

https://www.police.uk/pu/contact-the-police/report-a-crime-incident/

You can report online as well if you’re worried about him hearing you call

Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 15:29

Just a quick update. His cancer is not spread. Most likely the prostate will be cut out and he will live a happy and long life. Of course, recovery is going to be hard but by no means he's dying (we don't know for sure but doctors gave really good prognosis).

He seems to have calmed down now (only poured out veggie bin contents on a a couple of cars outside) so I really hope he will not go mental again.

I don't think it would be safe for me to go downstairs nor to talk on the phone at the moment. He is not threatening or abusing me directly. I think I will just stay put for now and get ready when it is safe to do so

I am in the middle of treatment already (pumped up with injections etc so no point cancelling now after all the money and effort I invested into this)

OP posts:
Potentialmadcatlady · 10/05/2024 15:33

Don’t be a statistic OP. Get out now and if you can’t ring police and if you can’t email someone who can ring them for you… don’t just do nothing.. it won’t work

Octavia64 · 10/05/2024 15:40

Ring the police.

If he has been running around with a baseball bat call 999. They will stay while you pack.

I have had to do this unfortunately. The police will help.

Halfheadhighlights · 10/05/2024 15:44

He needs mental health support ASAP.

please speak to consultant or Gp for help with this. I hope you have plenty of support too

MNHQ
PipMumsnet · 10/05/2024 15:44

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ
💐

Domestic Violence Support Webguide | Mumsnet

A guide to information and services related to domestic violence. Find reliable organisations and support services here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/i/domestic-violence-webguide

MothralovesGojira · 10/05/2024 15:47

You need to dial 999 now. If you are unable to speak then follow what the call handler asks you to do (such as cough, tap etc) and they'll take it from there. You are not safe and neither is anyone else at the moment. Please?

TraitorsGate · 10/05/2024 15:48

He is abusing you, he is swearing and being aggressive and you said its not safe to go downstairs or use a phone even when he's outside emptying the bin. who is going to clean the cars up, youre lucky no one else has called the police. Why wait until the inevitable next time when you both need help now. I wouldn't push for the sperms freezing, whatever is happening to him physically and mentally is clearly causing him a severe reaction. Your choice of course but you don't need to speak to 999, it canbe done without any chance of being overheard

Hopingforno2in2024 · 10/05/2024 15:51

If you are scared to speak on the phone you can dial 999 and then press 55.

Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 15:54

I did call his gp in the past (he had mental health crisis in the past but no so extreme) and he later blamed me for ruining his GP record by doing this.

Thank you for all the suggestions. Good to know police can help me while I pack.

OP posts:
JanglingJack · 10/05/2024 15:57

Without sounding harsh, but having been through similar as the drinker and the diagnosed...

He's got the perfect excuse to drink. That's all it is, an excuse, a green card. He doesn't care about the cancer, he doesn't care about you or future children. He cares that he's been given the best excuse ever to hit the drink again.

Leave him. It will be tough because he has the best manipulative cards to play.

He's not going to change. I'm sure that even if he gets getter, the stress of having children will be the next excuse.

I wish him good health and you - the life you deserve, which is better than this situation.

JanglingJack · 10/05/2024 15:59

Oh bless you, yes definitely the police will definitely help. Good luck and know you are doing the right thing.