WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

[CoCoaButter85]

So husband got diagnosed with prostate cancer and having an operation in a month's time. He is late 40's I'm late 30's. As unfortunate as it is, I thought we discussed, we cried and I thought we were at the place where things were fine.

However, he completely started loosing his mind. Drinking himself into coma, smashed the chair around the house breaking it as well as damaging the floor and just making mess all over While all this time shouting and swearing. He's not engaging with me, responds in swear words. He had similar things happened to him in the past, went and found help and was coping really well until now.

To make matters even worse. He was supposed to do sperm freezing and we are due to have egg collection late next week. I have no idea if any of this is going to happen. I'm certainly going ahead with the treatment and freeze my own eggs if hr doesn't get a grip by then.

I just don't know what to do. Trying to talk to him is pointless. I just keep on carrying on with work and having some sort of normality as all he does just drinks and screams abuse after (not at me, just to the world in general)

You need to be done op. You need a lawyer and divorce proceedings as fast as you can. His cancer diagnosis is not driving this. He is. He is probably angry that he can’t actually just go wild and drink even if he has cancer and mad at you for being there and your presence reminding him.

And yes go to the police! I’d push for charges. You need all the evidence and protection you can get, many women have suffered for lack of this.

Take photos of yourself @CoCoaButter85 and the swollen lip etc!
Is the house rented or owned? Presume the house is 50/50?
Go to police get him arrested for assault and take out a restraining order if you can preventing him returning to the house!!

id suggest a women’s refuge but the rent in them if you’re working is so high!
Again though the police will be able to advice you and you can speak to Domestic Abuse charities and get advice on what you should do next, they can also suggest solicitors to help you that specialise in DA

Also @CoCoaButter85 have you done your egg recovery yet?
I hope that went well, I went through egg recovery twice and know how hard it is!…. Please look after yourself too, egg recovery is difficult without all this added stress!

OP I am so so sorry you are going through this. what an utterly horrible man. I am glad you are going to police and are safe for now.
cancer or not, he has no excuse to behave like this. many people have all sorts of severe illnesses and they manage perfectly well without hitting and abusing their partners or other family!

i would reccommend you no longer directly communicate with him, only via solicitors. as far as I understand the law, he cannot kick you out. in fact, given that he hit you, you can file an order to get him out of the house. either way, you need to be far far away from.

Once the immediate things are sorted, you need to spoil yourself with a nice luxury holiday where you are pampered in every way.

we are hear with listening ears if you need to vent or sound out your plans. if you need something to help you sleep/unclench - I find the calm app very helpful. also cat videos.

sending you love and hugs.

Oh OP, how horrible. When did this assault happen? Are you safe and ok for now?. Are you able to stay in the hotel for a whole, or have you got anywhere else to go?

You must be horrified. He is an absolute fucking scum-bag cunt for hitting you, and also sounds unhinged.

He slapped my face rather than hitting me. But it was with a force so my lip is bruised. My mouth was hurting afterwards. Haven't looked into the mirror yet how it looks now.

I still cannot believe this is happening to me. I need to think of all arrangements I need to start putting in place. It doesn't help I only slept for a couple of hours.

I can stay in a cheap hotel for few more nights but I need to start thinking of where to stay longer term as can't afford hotel for too long and don't have anyone I could stay with.

I can't believe he's just destroying our nearly 10yr relationship. And in my head I still believe I need to do everything I can to help him with upcoming operation. He's completely messing around withy head. It doesn't help my self esteem or self worth. I just need to move on somehow

That's terrible, OP. I'm so very sorry. Have a Google for domestic abuse charities in your area and get some support. Often, they have an adult social care process they can refer you into where you can get multi agency support, including housing. You are at risk. Definitely report the assault to the police. If he escalates further, they need to have all the information to react appropriately, so report everything.

@Bingbong2024 - I am employed and earn a decent living (not loads but enough to support myself). Would charities still help me? I do feel that I need some help just to guide me through how to deal with all this. It doesn't help I didn't sleep much but currently struggling to see a clear set of action for longer term.

Just got up and getting ready to go to work. The lip actually looks ok. I think will keep some.lipstick on during the day and should get away with it. The bruising is mostly from inside so thankfully at least can be in the office.

The worst thing is all I am concerned about is him getting through the cancer treatment ok. He's telling me all these horrible things but that's all I can think about x

Get photos of the bruising. Press charges. Do this to empower yourself and then future potential partners who get red flags from him can do a Clare’s Law search.

So sorry you're having to go through this OP.

Last week it was verbal abuse, this week it's physical abuse, what happens next time you see him. You need to report this to the police, even if you feel you're being unnecessary as there isn't much bruising.

This needs. to be reported! I say this because they will then put a flag on you and the house, so if he does kick off again, they will be round immediately, it will also help the living situation for you. You could look at a long-term Airbnb?

I'm so sorry, OP.

Your priority is your safety. I'm another one saying 'report'. Abusers escalate and cancer or no cancer, he's an abuser.

That aside, you can't reasonably live in any situation where you're treading on eggshells until the next time his volatility kicks off and you end up in another hotel.

and solidarity to you.

You absolutely need to report this - he is escalating. In one week he has gone from verbal to physical abuse where next?

There will be many people on here who live with health conditions that are long term, scary or even palliative- or they look after someone who does. Anger, frustration, worry, anxiety etc is all part of that difficult diagnosis but it does not give people the right to abuse and physically harm others.

You do not need to look after him, after his operation this may put you in harms way again. Focus on yourself right now, focus on reporting him to the police, protecting your assets, and speaking to a solicitor. Thats your focus not this god awful man!

You need to report this & him smashing up the house.
He is unstable, dangerous, whether or not he is having a psychotic episode, its you who is in danger.
I would also leave, inform his family. He doesn't want your help.
Extricate yourself, you must not set yourself on fire to keep the house warm.

Yes, women's charities, especially those for dv, don't usually offer means tested support, it's support for all. Take photos of your face, if anything escalates you may wish you had. You can log the assault on 101 so its recorded, it wont take ling, ask them to flag your address in case you ever need them quickly (they may not but worth asking)

I would go to the doctor and the police, report him, he may be removed from the house, there is no reason you must leave, apply for an occupation order. Call womens aid. Do not go to the house without the police, collect essential things and paperwork if you do want to leave.

He assaulted you. A slap in the mouth is assult. He's abusing you. He's using his illness an excuse to lash out. His operation is his problem. DON'T PUT YOURSELF IN THE FIRING LINE AGAIN. You need to put your wellbeing first.

What's this about he didn't hit me so he slapped me instead? He hit you in your face op. He destroyed the home, the garden, started a fight with the neighbors, terrorized you, ran around drunk with a bat, all this with no repercussions. Turn him in op! By the time you work up the nerve you may have no evidence of his horrible behavior. You are strong, I can tell by all you've been through and you still worry for others. Show him! This isn't about his diagnosis anymore, it's about an abusive relationship. You can't see it but you truly do have all the power here if you just use it. Don't let empathy be your downfall. You're in my thoughts and hope you find some help.

This @CoCoaButter85

Stop worrying about him. He's assaulted you, he needs to get lifted and face the consequences. It might do him a favour about reining himself in in future. Don't hide it

Do you not realise that you and he are finished?

Look after your own interests. See the lawyer, etc.

OP have you reached out to women's aid for help with the process?

also if you go see the police they should help you getting him out of the house and getting a staying in place order as the divorce goes through. you will need to change the locks

@T1Dmama it went pretty good. 17 eggs collected and 11 of those mature. I'm so glad I did egg freezing only. If embryos would have been created he would have destroyed them. Out of all bad decisions I have made this one was the best one.

I spoke to the police this morning. It shook me how serious the matter actually is. I am not proud of myself but I managed to persuade them not to arrest him. I need to get my ducks in order as I have nowhere to store my belongings, need to block bank access etc. So if he was arrested and I don't manage to get my stuff out he would just destroy my belongings and max out credit cards. So I think I need to pre-plan better. DV team will get in touch with me and police told me not to go back to property on my own. Which I completely agree.

I am in the office today (hoping people can't see my swollen lip). And just letting things sink in. I need to prioritize what I need to do. Look for accommodation, contact solicitors. I suppose it makes sense to talk to women aid. I am capable person but I do find myself vulnerable.

What's worst, I am deeply embarrassed by the situation. I feel ashamed to find myself in this place. And I actually feel guilty I am not supporting him in his situation. I think I need to have therapy for myself. I don't think any other person would put up with this and still keep on thinking how I can help him even