WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

[CoCoaButter85]

So husband got diagnosed with prostate cancer and having an operation in a month's time. He is late 40's I'm late 30's. As unfortunate as it is, I thought we discussed, we cried and I thought we were at the place where things were fine.

However, he completely started loosing his mind. Drinking himself into coma, smashed the chair around the house breaking it as well as damaging the floor and just making mess all over While all this time shouting and swearing. He's not engaging with me, responds in swear words. He had similar things happened to him in the past, went and found help and was coping really well until now.

To make matters even worse. He was supposed to do sperm freezing and we are due to have egg collection late next week. I have no idea if any of this is going to happen. I'm certainly going ahead with the treatment and freeze my own eggs if hr doesn't get a grip by then.

I just don't know what to do. Trying to talk to him is pointless. I just keep on carrying on with work and having some sort of normality as all he does just drinks and screams abuse after (not at me, just to the world in general)

It’s hard to shut off emotions but you must steel yourself against him. He does not deserve your emotions, support or time in any way. Yes cancer is shit but his actions are inexcusable and you owe him nothing. Is there anyone at work you could speak to? You need all the support you can get right now and keeping this to yourself will make you feel isolated and more likely to want to return to him as your only source of connection which you absolutely must not do. He has shown you who he is, believe him. You are not responsible for him in any way, you owe him nothing.
does your work have an employee helpline? They’re confidential and often can provide free legal advice and counselling. Best of luck

OP report all your credit cards as lost now, so that he cannot spend on them whilst you figure out next steps. Protect your finances now as much as you can.

What's worst, I am deeply embarrassed by the situation. I feel ashamed to find myself in this place

@CoCoaButter85 You have absolutely no reason to be embarrassed - but I know exactly what you mean. I was embarrassed when I was in a similar situation to you - it was partly the embarrassment that actually stopped me seeking help and leaving, which seems ridiculous now. Don't make the same mistake that I did.

You are being incredibly strong. Whatever happens with your husband's mental health/drinking/cancer treatment, please don't consider going back to him. He has smashed up your home, verbally abused you and hit you (I know you say it was a 'slap' but please don't minimise this) and he will do the same again at some point.

Sending all my love and strength to you.

@NZDreaming - unfortunately don't have this. Used to but not anymore. I think adrenaline is now gone and tiredness is hitting me so my brain has slowed down in terms of arrangements I need to be putting in place.

@KreedKafer - thank you. I'm glad you can understand. It's all mix of emotions. I feel guilty and ashamed at the same time. Even though logical mindset knows actions I should be taking now.

OP, I feel so sorry for you.
He has viciously assaulted you. You are very wrong to stop him from being arrested. Cancer does not protect him from committing a crime and facing the consequences. You really need to put yourself first. Cancer hasn't forced him to be an abusive arsehole, he has form. Please protect yourself and reach out for support from agencies. Any shame is all HIS.

I am sitting the office as I simply have nowhere else to go now during the day. It's pathetic but here we go

I think I will book hotels for next couple of nights just to give myself some breathing space and will come up with a plan when rested. Will be easier to process everything and start putting arrangements in place

What's your housing arrangement OP, do you co own or rent?
Personally I'd get him arrested and get some kind of restrictions on him returning to the house to give you some breathing space. Why should you be struggling in hotels when you've done nothing wrong. Find your anger!

I'd missed all your original posts

Cancer diagnoses mess with your head no doubt. The difference being most do not smash up their houses and physically/mentally abuse their partners. My husband said I went very quiet and internalised. At no point though did I lash out at him or my children verbally or physically. My diagnosis was at the tail end of covid and had to do all appointments by myself. I can see why you wouldn't want him arrested as it creates a lot more drama however have you thought about a restraining order perhaps? It may keep you a little safer as it puts you more on the radar with organisations etc.

All the best in getting out and starting afresh

@CoCoaButter85
You need to tell your manager and/or HR about this.
Do you rent or own?
Please accept any help from Women's Aid when they call.

He doesn't want you there anymore. He doesn't want your help or support. I suspect that he wants you to go so that he can drink himself into oblivion without feeling any guilt. Whether he continues treatment and who supports him is not your number one issue now. Go and do not return - he has told you as much. If he thinks that a slap hasn't worked then what's he going to do next time to make you go - break your arm?

@MothralovesGojira I'm not too sure what a manager would be able to do about it. I think I would feel comfortable telling him about it. Just personal preference would be manager rather than HR

I'm seriously not too sure why he is behaving the way he is now. He has convinced himself his life is over after the operation and he keeps on telling me he is going to die. I want to believe it's simply mental health but I think I am slowly coming to realization he just can't stand me, and truly hates me at this moment. Otherwise why would you do things like that to the person you love. It just don't make sense

you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed or feel guilty about

I hope he realises what a prat he has been

you will get through this and come out on the other side

100% you need therapy

Don't ever feel ashamed or embarrassed. I would talk to your manager in confidence, can you get a few days off to clear your head. I would call the bank, report your cards lost and get a replacement and new pin. Please take the police advice and dont go back to the house without them, it's just not safe. I know it's going round and round in your head, you have sported him, you need to look after yourself now and he can seek help himself if he really wants to.

He's turning his hate at himself and the situation on to you. All his rage and unresolved feelings get spent on you, like a young child would. He doesn't hate you, he hates himself and the hand he's been dealt, but you are an easier target to confront right now. Abusing you gets him back in control.

I booked myself hotel and car park for tonight. So at least that is sorted. I will see how I'm getting on tonight and will make a list of things I need to do and just get on with it. I think having a plan on paper will help me to stay clear headed and handle this better.

Police officer was actually really nice about it. After he's dealt with official part he just said that he appreciates there is a lot going on but I don't have to put up with it. And just asked me to stay safe. Which was nice personal touch.

To be honest working works better for me. At least something to keep me grounded level headed. Otherwise I would just be crying mess.

How would I go about getting legal support though? Do I just Google solicitors? I need to get my ducks in order and have a better understanding if I'm going to lose investment in the house which is under his name only.

@GoawaySunrise - I couldn't put this better even if I tried. Thank you. I think it describes everything spot on.

For dv cases you may qualify for legal aid. A dv charity will advise you.

@GoawaySunrise is there anything I can do to reason with him? Currently it doesn't look like it. I'm looking into legal matters etc to be resolved going forward.

I feel that regardless what I did/said would not have mattered yesterday. If it wasn't for one thing he would have blamed me for another thing. So there was no way for me to win yesterday.

I think everyone that's read your thread feels like they have a dog in this fight. Do you truly love him so much? Or is it a personal feeling of responsibility towards someone you used to love that keeps you caring for his well-being? Taking steps to freeze eggs says you want children. Don't be his mummy. Your future dc need you for that.

absolutely no reasoning. please please stay away from him OP. the violence will only escalate.

i think women's aid has a list of solicitors they can provide for you. but shop around before choosing one as a good one will make all the difference. also if you know anyone who has been through divorce, might be worth asking for recommendations?

You should qualify for legal aid because of the abuse. Google family solicitors and the name of your local area and you should get a list
of companies you can try. In terms of next steps I think you need to secure accommodation, even if it’s temporary accommodation as a lodger while you get your ducks in a row
and find something more permanent. Once you’ve got accommodation arrange for the police to accompany you to the home to collect all of your possessions. If necessary you can always get a storage locker, but I wouldn’t leave anything behind. Once you’ve got the support of a dv worker they should help you to emotionally process all this trauma. You can also see if you have an iapt service in your area you can self refer yourself to, and if they have any upcoming courses on self esteem, as yours will likely be in tatters at the moment. If you google the freedom programme you’ll also find a great course you can do online. I’d also open up to any family or friends you have, as the more support you have in your life the better, and the more people who can form part of a safety plan the better.

@GoawaySunrise - I do love him but not that much where I would forgive him anything. I feel it is my duty to take care of him. And if I don't make sure he's looked after now when going to cancer treatment I am just being bad person. Plus he has nobody else to take care of him. There's lots of people who wish him well etc but I'm the only one to actually having to deal with it x

I booked an appointment (paid) with a solicitor and she talked me through my options and the processes. I found it very helpful to be informed.

Women's aid may be able to help with a list of solicitors that will advise for free.

In similar circumstances I was at a hotel for a few days then booked an airbnb which helped me feel more settled.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Stay safe.

Sometimes you just have to let someone go. Come what may. Ten years is a long time of being together, and to just let go and watch someone ruin themselves and their life is unimaginably hard. You are probably also always thinking "well what if it was me? Wouldn't I want him there? To stick it out through my worst?" After the drunken bat incident, I probably would have stayed. He lost it. Ok well never again. He's done it again now, but escalated to hitting you. You can't help him anymore, you'll just destroy yourself in the process. No one deserves that. You've been through counseling and here he still is.

It's not your duty and you are not a bad person. Who does he think is going to look after him, he said he wants a divorce so he needs to start looking for support from medical professionals, charities, support groups himself. Maybe you would want to go to his appointments but you have a lot going on and it's hard to think straight. You can't reason with him while he's so volatile, what's he doing about his mood and outbursts.

@Octavia64 - this is exactly what I am thinking do myself. I think air b&b and then maybe a room somewhere and then sort out longer term solution.

How did you go about getting your belongings back?

Yes, might as well get some paid solicitor to talk my opinions through. Do I need to Google specialist or any general solicitor would be able to advise?