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Original poster

WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

361 replies

CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 13:01

So husband got diagnosed with prostate cancer and having an operation in a month's time. He is late 40's I'm late 30's. As unfortunate as it is, I thought we discussed, we cried and I thought we were at the place where things were fine.

However, he completely started loosing his mind. Drinking himself into coma, smashed the chair around the house breaking it as well as damaging the floor and just making mess all over While all this time shouting and swearing. He's not engaging with me, responds in swear words. He had similar things happened to him in the past, went and found help and was coping really well until now.

To make matters even worse. He was supposed to do sperm freezing and we are due to have egg collection late next week. I have no idea if any of this is going to happen. I'm certainly going ahead with the treatment and freeze my own eggs if hr doesn't get a grip by then.

I just don't know what to do. Trying to talk to him is pointless. I just keep on carrying on with work and having some sort of normality as all he does just drinks and screams abuse after (not at me, just to the world in general)

OP posts:
Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 13:03

The problem is, he has no friends and family that could help him. I'm his only one and biggest cheerleader and he is treating me really badly. I don't have anyone I could go to for a while. But could rent myself a hotel, air b&b or something like that. But given he has operation soon I feel I should just stick with it

OP posts:
Mumtoboys82 · 10/05/2024 13:05

OP as awful as your DH's situation is, it's no excuse for this violent behaviour. Does he have a mental health diagnosis? Does he usually drink to excess, get aggressive or is this a new thing?

siameselife · 10/05/2024 13:09

The first thing to do is to stop trying to have a child with him, although that doesn't impact you freezing your eggs.
You don't have to stay with an abusive alcoholic regardless of their health.
Maybe reach out to a support group for the family of alcoholics?

Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 13:11

His usual go to solution is to drink when faced with huge stress. He went and sought help (which I organized) and was doing really well with the treatment etc. Started taking medication etc. so things were looking good.

He is not a bad guy and I appreciate what a horrible situation it is to be in. However, it's no excuse to treat me the way he does.

Apart from waiting through it, I seriously don't know what I can possibly do. It is scary. (What if he won't let me back in the house if I need to go out etc etc)

OP posts:
Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 13:13

@siameselife - I'm afraid I'm coming to realization that having a child with him is not a good idea.

I don't think it's down to him being an alcoholic. It's down to him not being able to cope with stressful situation. He has been on 6months intensive therapy. Was doing well, learned the strategies but it's clearly not working for him

OP posts:
siameselife · 10/05/2024 13:14

I would move out for the moment. By staying you are saying that it is okay for him to treat you like this.

Josette77 · 10/05/2024 13:17

You need to leave. A cancer diagnosis doesn't mean you get to be abusive.

Do not have kids with this man. He will drink and abuse you both.

Bumblebeeinatree · 10/05/2024 13:20

He's obviously not coping with the diagnosis, does he think he's going to die imminently? Could you get him to talk to a Macmillan nurse? Prostate cancer is bad, but if he's been diagnosed early he could well be fully cured and the operation these days tries to preserve function. My DH was diagnosed a number of years ago and although his cancer is not curable, it is controlled and hopefully will be for years to come.

Can you try to talk positively to him in a lucid moment. If he turns up drunk and belligerent at the hospital they won't treat him.

Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 13:22

@siameselife - I have deadlines I need to deliver against at work so need to stay out throughout the day today. But could potentially look for something to book during the weekend

@Josette77 - I do understand that it is painful for him and he's going through a lot. But I feel by staying here and even cleaning after his mess (I did sort out the kitchen and the garden yesterday night) I'm just saying to him that it is ok for him to do whatever he likes.i even made him a sandwich for lunch just now and he told me 'fuck you'

OP posts:
QuestionableMouse · 10/05/2024 13:25

He needs MH help, and quickly. I'd phone his GP and tell them what's going on, asking for a home visit.

KreedKafer · 10/05/2024 13:25

He is not a bad guy

OP, I’m really sorry, but yes, he is.

A good guy does not react to stress by getting hammered, trashing the house and abusing his wife. That isn’t normal. It is very much ‘bad guy’ behaviour.

It’s normal for a cancer diagnosis to affect someone’s mental health and mood. It’s not normal for a cancer diagnosis to turn someone into an abusive alcoholic who deliberately makes his partner’s life a misery. Can you seriously imagine a future with someone who does this every time you go through something tough as a couple? It’s awful, awful behaviour and there is no excuse for it. There just isn’t.

Olivia2495 · 10/05/2024 13:26

He hasn’t lost his mind. He’s given himself permission to be abusive because he thinks he’s got a good enough reason. Stop supporting someone who is abusing you. You’re not his punch bag.

Bumblebeeinatree · 10/05/2024 13:26

After your last message I think I would leave now. It will only get worse after he's had the op and really has something to moan about! You don't want to be having to try to look after a mean, self indulgent, post operative, drunk.

ClairemacL · 10/05/2024 13:26

You can be unwell/disabled AND an abuser. You deserve better and should leave him.

PostItInABook · 10/05/2024 13:28

My dad has had cancer twice in the past four years. He is not great at dealing with emotions and it definitely affected him. He was quite grumpy and difficult to be around sometimes but he NEVER abused my mother like your partner is abusing you. His behaviour is unacceptable.

PostItInABook · 10/05/2024 13:29

Olivia2495 · 10/05/2024 13:26

He hasn’t lost his mind. He’s given himself permission to be abusive because he thinks he’s got a good enough reason. Stop supporting someone who is abusing you. You’re not his punch bag.

Exactly this.

littlegrebe · 10/05/2024 13:32

My DH had cancer in his early 40s. Everyone reacts differently but I think it's important to feel comfortable acknowledging to yourself that while this is obviously very hard for him it is hard for you too.

I was going to suggest you both go to Maggie's and see if there's someone he could talk to, until I read that he's already having therapy. I'm still going to say you should go to Maggie's and have a chat with someone about how you're feeling and get some strategies in place for supporting him while keeping your own head above water. DH had excellent counselling through them but I also had some reassuring chats and cups of tea with the staff at ours. There's something about knowing you're not the only person going through it, and that the world continues to turn, that really helped me.

This is assuming supporting him is what you want to do of course. I think in your position I'd want to know he knew his behaviour wasn't fair on you and was actively seeking to address it with his therapist. I'm not going to tell you what to do but I will say someone told me not long after DH was diagnosed that cancer is one of those things that can make or break a relationship.

MothralovesGojira · 10/05/2024 13:47

I'm on my second cancer in two years and I'm probably not going to survive but am I drinking my own weight in alcohol or destroying the house in anger? Nope. Am I abusing my partner? No I am not.
Regardless of how he feels a decent person does not behave in this way and you've been a bloody saint so far. You made him a sandwich and he said "Fuck you"? How long until he uses those fists on you? Do you think that that won't happen? I would bet good money on you not thinking that he'd smash up furniture and wreck your house.
He's not doing these things because of the huge amount of stress he's under - he's doing it because he's given himself permission to do it.
You need to stop thinking about having a child with this person (I can't say man) and get yourself to a place of safety. You can't keep on picking up the pieces for him, smoothing things over and making it better because deep down he doesn't want that does he?

Catopia · 10/05/2024 13:49

He needs to get it out but this is not the way to do it. I would get in touch with his Macmillan nurse, and possible Prostate Cancer UK - both provide excellent support after diagnosis and to families.

I would personally go ahead with the fertility treatment anyway - at least with his side of it, and presumably you have now got as far as taking all of the hormones and whatever for your part of the egg retrieval process? Maybe keep at least some separately for now though. It may be that his response is in part because of this and the worry and fear that this is creating for you as well that is impacting on him. It's normal to feel quite hopeless and impotent in this situation, and feel like you have no control over what is happening to you and that the rest of your life may look very different to what you had always imagined.

In terms of the drinking, I do think it's important to get a handle on it. Tell him that you understand that he is stressed, but drinking is not going to improve his surgery outcomes or recovery, let alone if he needs follow up treatment. It's also not going to improve the quality of any sperm he's providing, and if that transpires to be his one shot to have a child of his own it would be helpful if they were as strong and healthy as possible to start with.

My mum put my dad on a health kick after he was diagnosed with cancer - did both of them the world of good not only physically but mentally because they felt like they were in control of something and taking positive steps that could improve the outcome, and exercising together burned off some of the stress and anxiety that they were feeling.

AnnaMagnani · 10/05/2024 13:51

Is there a Maggie's Centre at your cancer hospital? They are brilliant for this kind of support.

PrincessTeaSet · 10/05/2024 13:54

CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 13:22

@siameselife - I have deadlines I need to deliver against at work so need to stay out throughout the day today. But could potentially look for something to book during the weekend

@Josette77 - I do understand that it is painful for him and he's going through a lot. But I feel by staying here and even cleaning after his mess (I did sort out the kitchen and the garden yesterday night) I'm just saying to him that it is ok for him to do whatever he likes.i even made him a sandwich for lunch just now and he told me 'fuck you'

This is abuse. He thinks he can get away with it because you will feel guilty if you leave him when he's ill. Don't put up with it - being ill is not a reason or an excuse for being abusive.

Octavia64 · 10/05/2024 13:58

If someone is facing a diagnosis like this it is very unlikely they will have a cry and then move on.

His feelings are going to keep coming out as he moves through the process - it's a real rollercoaster.

Sounds like he has exceptionally bad mechanisms for coping with stress. Drinking isn't uncommon but if he then gets angry and smashes stuff up he isn't safe to be around.

In your shoes I would sort out a back up place where you can go at very short notice if necessary, a friends, or maybe a hotel, keep a bag packed so you can leave at very short notice if necessary.

You don't have to but if you can it is worth sitting down when he is not drunk and explaining the situation and saying that if you think you are in danger you will be leaving. Put it in writing after the conversation as well.

I'm sorry.

AlpineMuesli · 10/05/2024 13:59

He had similar things happened to him in the past

Can you clarify what you mean by “happen to him”? Because this isn’t happening to him, this is him actively choosing to do it.

2Old2Tango · 10/05/2024 14:12

Moving out could be the shock he needs to change himself. My husband was abusive during his first two cancer treatments - not to the extent of your DH, but not nice nonetheless. Our marriage had been bad for some time in our situation though. It was when he started telling our two DDs (20 and 22 at the time and still at home) to "fuck off out of it" that I decided enough was enough. The three of us moved out and left him to it. It shocked him to the core and he acknowledged for the first time that his behaviour was unacceptable. Long story short, husband now had a secondary cancer all through his spine, pelvis, and now skull and it's terminal, palliative care only. I've moved back to be his carer as he has no-one else and, although it's hell for me, he is actually appreciative of the support and isn't nasty any more. You need to give him a clear message that you will not put up with his abuse, cancer or not.

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 10/05/2024 14:19

In terms of the drinking, I do think it's important to get a handle on it. Tell him that you understand that he is stressed, but drinking is not going to improve his surgery outcomes or recovery, let alone if he needs follow up treatment. It's also not going to improve the quality of any sperm he's providing, and if that transpires to be his one shot to have a child of his own it would be helpful if they were as strong and healthy as possible to start with.

Do you honestly think a man in the state OP is describing is going to be receptive to any of that, @Catopia?