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AIBU?

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Original poster

WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

361 replies

CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 13:01

So husband got diagnosed with prostate cancer and having an operation in a month's time. He is late 40's I'm late 30's. As unfortunate as it is, I thought we discussed, we cried and I thought we were at the place where things were fine.

However, he completely started loosing his mind. Drinking himself into coma, smashed the chair around the house breaking it as well as damaging the floor and just making mess all over While all this time shouting and swearing. He's not engaging with me, responds in swear words. He had similar things happened to him in the past, went and found help and was coping really well until now.

To make matters even worse. He was supposed to do sperm freezing and we are due to have egg collection late next week. I have no idea if any of this is going to happen. I'm certainly going ahead with the treatment and freeze my own eggs if hr doesn't get a grip by then.

I just don't know what to do. Trying to talk to him is pointless. I just keep on carrying on with work and having some sort of normality as all he does just drinks and screams abuse after (not at me, just to the world in general)

OP posts:
Purplepeoniesdroppingpetals · 10/05/2024 20:06

Take care op. Really hope that you can get the things you need soon and find somewhere to rest.

MothralovesGojira · 10/05/2024 20:10

@CoCoaButter85
Well done for phoning the police - that must have been so hard for you.
Now sit right and wait for the police. Have you told the petrol station staff that you're waiting for the police? If not go and tell them and say why.

Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 20:35

Still no police showed up. Called 101 they said that no unit available/ busy with emergencies. Since I am safe I am not priority. Might have to attempt to get in the property later at night. He might have sobered up by then or I might fall asleep by then. He seems to have burned himself out around 7pm yesterday. But he was absolutely hammered yesterday while today he is in a rather mental health crisis state. I think he carried on drinking throughout the day hiding it from me but can't tell for sure.

OP posts:
timenowplease · 10/05/2024 20:37

You need to stay away from the house. You're minimising now and I don't think you realise just how dangerous a situation you're in.

Stay there and stay safe. Use the time to book a hotel room.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 10/05/2024 20:38

My ex used to turn to drink for stress, for everything.

I also ran round like a headless chicken organising support, which worked until it didn't.

I then also gave ultimatums and he did a complete DARVO and tried to guilt trip me for wanting to leave him when he is at his lowest.

He also drank so much he swears he can't remember all the abuse he put me through.

You can't help him process this OP. You can only help yourself. What would you want for a friend, or a daughter in this situation? Not their partners, them.

Whatever you'd want for them, do that.

dawngreen · 10/05/2024 20:41

Every one reacts differently to cancer, and you cannot say he is bad because he acts differently to how you think he should to who ever said that.

TraitorsGate · 10/05/2024 20:42

Please do not go back to the house, that is really unwise. Either stay where you are or check into a hotel and let the police know. If you're worried about his mh you can ring 111 for advice. They may send someone to check on him.

ButterCrackers · 10/05/2024 20:42

MothralovesGojira · 10/05/2024 20:10

@CoCoaButter85
Well done for phoning the police - that must have been so hard for you.
Now sit right and wait for the police. Have you told the petrol station staff that you're waiting for the police? If not go and tell them and say why.

Agree. This is good advice. They might have a blanket or cover to keep you warm. They might be able to get you a tea. People will be kind and supportive.

ShadesofPoachedSmoke · 10/05/2024 20:45

Olivia2495 · 10/05/2024 13:26

He hasn’t lost his mind. He’s given himself permission to be abusive because he thinks he’s got a good enough reason. Stop supporting someone who is abusing you. You’re not his punch bag.

This.

His character was always there under the surface. It's coming out now because, in his mind, the cancer is a good enough reason to do all the things he likes to do (get drunk, be abusive) but knows isn't acceptable.

And then he can paint you as the Bad Wife as who would leave someone going through cancer treatment?

You don't need to accept this abuse. Look for help for you first before him.

Bumblebee907 · 10/05/2024 20:48

He needs to grow up, 1 in two people will have cancer diagnosis and many of them are prostate cancer.

Back in the sea if he doesn't pull it together, and I say that as a cancer survivor.

TraitorsGate · 10/05/2024 20:49

If you don't want to wait for the police or get a hotel can you drive yourself to a police station instead for your own safety

tensmum1964 · 10/05/2024 20:49

dawngreen · 10/05/2024 20:41

Every one reacts differently to cancer, and you cannot say he is bad because he acts differently to how you think he should to who ever said that.

There's reacting differently and then there's being abusive and threatening. His diagnosis albeit worrying is no excuse. He's choosing to drink knowing how this affects him.

Bumblebee907 · 10/05/2024 20:49

Glad you called the police. What a total wanker.

HappyHedgehog247 · 10/05/2024 20:52

Sorry you've been waiting. Is there anything you absolutely have to have tonight? Would the hospital be able to supply an emergency supply of your meds or call 111 and out of hours doctor can prescribe? I wouldn't go back if you can't avoid it. I hope you can get yourself since nice food and a comfy, safe bed. Is there anyone IRL supporting you?

ShadesofPoachedSmoke · 10/05/2024 20:55

Boomer55 · 10/05/2024 15:12

He’s in shock. He needs support, so I’d forget about eggs and sperm, and just support him.

A Cancer diagnosis rocks your world.

Did you read the part where he's smashing up their home and telling her "fuck you"?

And you think she should stay and risk being on the end of the next smash?

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 10/05/2024 20:58

Do not go back into the house without the police.

You've been got a while and his anger may well have escalated.

Even if they cannot come tonight, go to the hotel and wait for them until tomorrow.

Do not return. He is unstable.

Dymaxion · 10/05/2024 20:59

Did you go with him to the appointment with the Surgeon ? Prostate surgery carries the risk of erectile dysfunction, urinary incontinence and dry orgasm. Which for anyone, especially someone in their 40's is a lot to face. He may have to wear incontinence products, he might never be able to have PIV sex again and he might not be able to father a child.
Non of which excuses his current behaviour, but simply being alive isn't always as rosy as it might first appear. He is probably terrified about some of the possible being alive side effects.

Nicole1111 · 10/05/2024 21:00

Do not enter without the police. Getting your stuff is not worth your life. Domestic abuse escalates and if he’s intoxicated he is likely to be more dangerous. Wait for the police, however long it takes, and take as much as you can away with you, but most importantly all your documents like passport etc.

siameselife · 10/05/2024 21:01

dawngreen · 10/05/2024 20:41

Every one reacts differently to cancer, and you cannot say he is bad because he acts differently to how you think he should to who ever said that.

His actions are bad. He is behaving in a violent and abusive way that makes it unsafe for OP to be in her own home.

Step5678 · 10/05/2024 21:04

OP this is incredibly disturbing. Adding my voice to the many others who are saying "do not go back to the house"

The police response is disappointing (though sadly not shocking) surely there is a real risk to the neighbours at least even if you are away and safe for now? I agree you need to drive to a police station and spell this out to them.

He is abusive and unstable, the cancer diagnosis is not relevant.

So sorry OP, do NOT forget this behaviour

Noseybookworm · 10/05/2024 21:05

Don't go back to the house without the police OP. No belongings are worth putting yourself at risk. And don't blame yourself for getting police involved - he has created this situation, not you. While I'm sympathetic about his cancer diagnosis, that does not excuse his violent and dangerous behaviour. He is an alcoholic and on no account should you be thinking about starting a family with this man. You would be subjecting a child to a lifetime of a violent alcoholic for a father - that is just horrifically irresponsible. Get yourself to a safe place for tonight and hopefully the police will accompany you to get the stuff you need from the house.

Loley22 · 10/05/2024 21:05

@CoCoaButter85 contact your local mental health crisis team and request a mental health act assessment. He really sounds like he needs to be removed and taken to a place of safety. Then you can get your things and get yourself to a place of safety too. I would not go back there this evening. Pop to a supermarket and grab some cheap pyjamas and find a hotel or call the national domestic abuse helpline to find a refuge.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 10/05/2024 21:21

If you need prescription medication urgently I think a late night pharmacy can let you have a limited amount. You can always call 111 for advice on this.
Please stay away from your partner. My ex was an alcoholic, he became very unstable said he was going to rape then kill me. Your husband might be in the”nothing to lose” frame of mind.

MothralovesGojira · 10/05/2024 21:22

@CoCoaButter85
I can't see the police being any less busy to come to you on a Friday night which is disgusting seeing as you've fled your home just in what you're wearing.
So, what to do now. Well, you absolutely do not return home. What I would suggest you do is to phone the police and tell them that you are going to a supermarket to buy things for overnight and that you would like to speak to their domestic violence officer tomorrow. Then you need to find somewhere to stay for the night be it a friend, colleague, family member or a hotel. Get some rest and try the police again tomorrow.
It could well be that it's all kicked off at home with the neighbour but don't be tempted to check this evening. Find somewhere to get your head down.

therealcookiemonster · 10/05/2024 21:29

Hi OP agree with all the others that you shouldn't go back home. stay safe xx