WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

[CoCoaButter85]

So husband got diagnosed with prostate cancer and having an operation in a month's time. He is late 40's I'm late 30's. As unfortunate as it is, I thought we discussed, we cried and I thought we were at the place where things were fine.

However, he completely started loosing his mind. Drinking himself into coma, smashed the chair around the house breaking it as well as damaging the floor and just making mess all over While all this time shouting and swearing. He's not engaging with me, responds in swear words. He had similar things happened to him in the past, went and found help and was coping really well until now.

To make matters even worse. He was supposed to do sperm freezing and we are due to have egg collection late next week. I have no idea if any of this is going to happen. I'm certainly going ahead with the treatment and freeze my own eggs if hr doesn't get a grip by then.

I just don't know what to do. Trying to talk to him is pointless. I just keep on carrying on with work and having some sort of normality as all he does just drinks and screams abuse after (not at me, just to the world in general)

Hopefully by now you have called the police. I have had reason to speak to our local mental health team about someone in the past, and they advised that if someone is in a crisis and an immediate danger to themselves and/or others then ringing 999 is the only thing to do.

Take time as you need it.

Focus on your needs - food, loo, take time to sit in a coffee shop or similar and calm down.

Pharmacies will do emergency meds if necessary - I once left all of mine behind in a holiday and they rang my surgery from over a hundred miles away and then gave me what I needed.

Sounds like he is in crisis so a good time to stay away.

Do you have a friend or a premier inn you can go to overnight?

Cancel work stuff unless it is life or death important - compassionate leave if necessary.

I'm sorry.

I called the police. They should come and me at the local garage in 1 hr or so. Hopefully they will escort me home, I will bag my few bits and work laptop.

I am concerned about safety for his own health too. This is the worst I have ever seen him. And as people rightly said safety of people outside too.

@Octavia64 - I think I will try to get my things and then will look at booking a hotel... One thing at the time. There is a fairly good selection of local hotels so shouldn't be a problem to find something not too expensive for the night. In the worst case will sleep in the car.

You need to be very clear to him about your boundaries and that you cannot be treated like that

I’d assume they take him in and perhaps send him to hospital? So you may have the house to yourself tonight?

You said you're going to the petrol station.

Well ....

When you get there, ask for tbe police and explain that your daren't go home. Ask to go to a back room and I promise that they'll look after you.

He gave you plenty of good reasons to call 999 earlier on today. And don't worry about your meds. Youll be able to collect him when they cart him away. Failing that, the police will sort dome out for you.

Please, please ask for help. This situation is untenable and he needs to be restrained for his own good, let alone yours.

@CoCoaButter85 I think he will be arrested tbh and taken away probably under custody to be admitted to hospital. so you might be able to stay at home. however, you need to think of a LT solution for once he is discharged. personally for me this relationship would he 100% over.

Please make sure you have no tracking on your phone (do you normally track eachother?) please check this for your safety

good luck

Depending on what they find when they take you to the house:

If he is obviously a danger to himself or others they may arrest him or take him to hospital for mh input. This is paperwork and takes time so they will prefer not to unless they have to.

The protocol when I called them seemed to be to make sure that one party or the other left the house with an overnight bag and stayed away until things had calmed down. They will record any injuries etc and will split up and speak to you both separately and then switch to confirm the accounts.

They are very good at keeping you safe.

Others have said it but I wanted to say it like this: this is his sad and unfortunate but yes mentally unstable reaction to a stressful event.

Having kids is a prolonged, extremely physically and emotionally challenging event. Yes there are joys and usually for most a deep sort of love they’ve never before experienced, but it definitely brings out the worst in us all at times.

in a way you could be grateful you’ve found out in the Nick of time. Although of course it’s sad for you and you’ll likely go through a mourning period.

font know his health history but at his age, if he’s not boozing, his prognosis would be fairly good for that cancer.

Maybe support him from a friend’s house if you want to, with messages and calls even if he ignores you, or if you love him, and if he’ll let you, but be clear about your boundaries for contact (i.e. no booze, no abusive language, no destruction of property)

Glad to hear that you have called the Police. Stay safe then when it's a bit calmer think seriously about ending this relationship for good.

Hopefully the police are with you now and you can get out safely. Sending best wishes

Hopefully he gets taken in to a holding cell until he Sobers up and they can charge him, giving you time to get what you need to be out for a while if needs be.
Fingers crossed everyone stays safe

What a horrible situation you’re in.
It sounds like your dh is very scared and as you said, is taking it out on everything.
Make sure you get all the support you can for yourself as it sounds so difficult.
I wish you both well.

The diagnosis is he is struggling with trauma.

You have been incredibly brave and I wanted to recognise that. It takes huge courage to call the police. You’ve been given some good advice so I won’t repeat it. Hope you’re safe tonight.

Ask his oncologist / the oncology centre for a psychologist's appointment.

Have the police arranged an idva for you?

OP I hope you're safe. You've had a lot of good advice, I would just add do not have a baby with him. As it is you can walk away without a backward glance. If you have a child you will always have a tie to him. And if you split up and he got access - would you want a child to be subject to his current behaviour?

Take care. Phoning the police is very wise. He sounds dangerous and unpredictable. You are absolutely doing the right thing, for everyone's safety, including his.

Next time he goes berserk, call the police.

If you don't want this behaviour, you need to stop putting up with it.

Don't have children with an unhinged, violent alcoholic. Cancel the egg collection unless you would like to use the eggs with someone else at a later date.

Stop thinking in terms of a lasting relationship with this man. There is no future for you with him.

Start going to AlAnon (for people affected by someone else's drinking). Start disengaging.

You need to start considering a future that doesn't include him and does include self respect.

Bloody hell. A staggering lack of empathy?

No, she thought he had moved in from behaving like a gorilla on cocaine, a place where 99.9999999999% of people don't go after a cancer diagnosis.

Call the police.

(Yes, do the egg collection. But for your ownnuse later and not with him.)

Still waiting in a local garage for the police. They said it can take up to an hour to come to me. So let's see. I'm in a car, have no jacket just t-shirt and some yoga type of pants on. But it's okey

I hope I did the right thing. I really didn't want it to come to this but was left with no other choice. Him driving the car while intoxicated and walking around with a baseball bat was just the last drop. I already stayed throughout him smashing the chair against the kitchen floor yesterday night. Running around the kitchen shouting and throwing around garden furniture. I still think I could have done some for it not to come to this but I had no other choice