WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

[CoCoaButter85]

So husband got diagnosed with prostate cancer and having an operation in a month's time. He is late 40's I'm late 30's. As unfortunate as it is, I thought we discussed, we cried and I thought we were at the place where things were fine.

However, he completely started loosing his mind. Drinking himself into coma, smashed the chair around the house breaking it as well as damaging the floor and just making mess all over While all this time shouting and swearing. He's not engaging with me, responds in swear words. He had similar things happened to him in the past, went and found help and was coping really well until now.

To make matters even worse. He was supposed to do sperm freezing and we are due to have egg collection late next week. I have no idea if any of this is going to happen. I'm certainly going ahead with the treatment and freeze my own eggs if hr doesn't get a grip by then.

I just don't know what to do. Trying to talk to him is pointless. I just keep on carrying on with work and having some sort of normality as all he does just drinks and screams abuse after (not at me, just to the world in general)

He is obviously reacting to his diagnosis but that is no excuse to be vile towards you
Hes lashing out and i think he needs some counselling

Go ahead and freeze your eggs with or without him its always a good safety measure

He texted me 'go f** yourself and don't come back'

I'm few blocks away but still terrified he can come and find me. I think I will just go get some petrol, have a bite to eat and will think of what do I do next.

He switched off our indoor cameras so I even can't tell when the safe time to come in get my things is. It might have to be police helping me after all.

Right, time to go to a local garage. It will be further away from home so will feel safer as well.

He could hurt other people, you need to call the police

Can you call a mental health team? He sounds like he’s actually having a breakdown. Call someone, anyone. Don’t go back by yourself.

You call 999 and meet them somewhere safe like the garage. Stay inside the garage shop until they arrive. If you see him following you then call 999 from your car. Don't worry about going back to the house, don't go anywhere bear him in the house without the police there. You can go into any shop, pharmacy, bank whatever is open.

@CoCoaButter85
What is actually worrying you about calling the police?

Apparently you should call 111 in the case of a mental breakdown.

If this was happening to a friend or a relative what would you advise them to do?

Please either or both of you contact a Maggies centre - either walk into one if possible, or look up number on their website and call. There is nothing they won’t have heard before and have experience of. Ideally your husband would speak to them , but Maggies are there for you too, please call, they can help so much . They did for me . Even if you don’t know what to say just call or walk in and say that. A Maggies centre is like a big warm hug, a safe place .
As you can tell I love them !

A friend ended up leaving her DH when he was diagnosed with cancer. She couldn't cope with the mood swings, aggression and tried so hard to make it work but just couldn't. The frustrating part is that he was all gloom and doom about dying etc but he's actually doing really well now. He's still very angry though and it's as if he's on a path to self destruct.

Stay well away until he's sober. Your safety is more important than any medication. If you need to, phone your GP or prescriber and explain.

Why are you so reluctant to ask for help? It won’t be long before neighbours do so I would do it myself first… This isn’t going to go away

I'm amazed one of your neighbours haven't called the police as I assume they will have heard him rampaging round the house etc

Ring out of hours for emergency meds, you won’t be the first time they’ve heard this story.

Please, please call the police now that you are out, he needs to be removed for your safety.

@CoCoaButter85
It sounds like he's squaring up for an actual fight which is why he's trying to antagonise the neighbours. At least if you call the police now then you may well be able to stop one or more of your neighbours getting hurt when they realise what's happening. If you act now then the police will take him in and hold him until he's sober or get him appropriate MH help but if he hurts a neighbour then he's looking at assault charges/criminal damage etc and that will be so much worse for your husband.

You must call and ambulance and the police

My son has a severe MH condition, my role of thumb is now if he’s a danger to himself or others/me - I don’t fuck about I ring the police and on 999. No faffing with non emergency.

he’s a danger to himself.
He’s a danger to you.
He’s a danger to any neighbours that challenge him in his behaviour in the street or the damage to their cars.

The fact the you are in fear of him and going back into the house is more than enough to warrant ringing them.

This is an abusive relationship, regardless of the circumstances. If he is smashing the furniture and making you feel unsafe in your own home, I think you should call the police. It might be a wake up call for him.

Sorry, just read your update. Yes it absolutely would.

Don’t worry about the medication, just leave it. Please stay safe

There’s lots of support, help and advice he could access
https://community.macmillan.org.uk/?&infinity=ict2~net~gaw~ar~670172451975~kw~cancer%20support%20group~mt~b~cmp~GPS_COM_GEN~ag~Community&gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIg4Ccp8qDhgMVgJKDBx1n0gw1EAAYASAAEgI5xfD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
https://cancersupportuk.org/
https://prostatecanceruk.org/prostate-information-and-support/get-support?gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIrvjmycqDhgMV15CDBx1AsgZqEAAYASAAEgLQMPD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

A cancer diagnosis is awful but not an excuse to be abusive.
Im sorry to say that the shouting, throwing furniture, smashing things ime is the go-to behaviour for an alcoholic.
Think very carefully about staying with your husband, and having children with him.
You can also seek support from AlAnon. And any of the cancer charities will be able to support you too.

Missed your last update. Very worrying he’s switched off a camera. Please go to a friend and call the police to check on him. If he is having a MH crisis he needs professional help. Please don’t go home.

@CoCoaButter85 OP please call the police. that's the only safe way for you to go back and get your stuff. I am worried he has probably started destroying your stuff so you need to do this sooner rather than later. also he is a danger to others.

Please call the Police.

He needs help mentally. Has he been offered to see a phycologist? He’s not coping with his diagnosis. I know that’s no excuse for his behaviour. He needs to stop drinking also. Plus know one actually knows how it feels till you hear that awful diagnosis yourself. It’s the worst news you’ll hear. I was diagnosed with colon cancer last year and my moods have been awful. Taking it right out on my partner. He’s put up with a lot. I’m now having counselling sessions.

Obviously he shouldn’t be abusing you!! A cancer diagnosis or not.