Should I send this text? Or is it desperate?

[Sugarandmoresugar10]

I had a first date with someone yesterday after work, it's someone I've already met as a friend of a friend, and we've always got on very well/I felt chemistry.
The date was about 2 hours, a drink and very quick bite to eat. Conversation flowed super well, we had a good laugh. I wasn't sure if I felt attracted to him if I'm honest, but I have felt that attraction previously so I'm willing to give it a try.

So he made comments about wanting to do it again, I agreed, and I sent a casual, good to see you, hope you got back ok. The convo naturally ended .

Wondering if I should hint at meeting him again? There are a ton of films coming out that we were both talking about that are out this month.
Should I text something like 'It'd be cool to see one of those films we talked about soon'

So to imply I want to see him, but it still lets him arrange details?
Or is that chasing/desperate?
I'm pretty paranoid now tbh, but I'm also paranoid that he got a vibe I didn't find him that attractive, even if I do like him.

Pages and pages of women telling you that he wasn't interested and you sending the text or not sending it wouldn't have changed that. He simply wasn't feeling it.

It sounds like you've read for too many dating books.

Look OP, if he fancied you, your eagerness would have been a turn on. He'd be all over it wanting to snog in the back of a cinema.

He obviously likes you as a person but doesn't want to pursue it romantically, that's it, nothing more to it. Absolutely normal and common. It's nothing to do with your text or a fly away comment about owing a drink. You're reading wayyyy to much into it.

A good relationship doesn't start with anxiety and game playing. Worrying over what text you send. A good relationship is easy. You get along, you both want it to develop, you're compatible in your wants and communication style. You don't need to worry about it, it's all flowing well. Hold out for that, OP, the relationship will be much more genuine and meaningful.

Nor me.

If you want to see him again, ask him out. I'm not sure I would want to go out with someone who was put off by my asking.

Gosh, this level of overthinking bordering in obsession and they are not even a couple yet!
Looks like this guy dodged a bullet.

No - he just wasn't interested after the date - sending or not sending the text has no effect! Any man who is truly interested would not be put off by the woman initiating the next date!

I'd focus on being glad he has been straight up with you and hasn't strung you along like loads of blokes would as a "friends with benefit" scenario. I've lost years to "situationships" like that some which were a head melting waste of time!!

Why on earth would anyone want to be with someone who saw them as a 'challenge' to be overcome?! Grim. I can guarantee that men who think like that don't want a relationship, they want a shag.

If someone likes you, actually likes you, not the 'challenge' you present, they will be delighted at you suggesting to meet up. If someone isn't delighted, then it's because they are just not that in to you. Raise your standards and look for the men who will be delighted to hear from you. Put out of your mind the ones who aren't, they're not good enough.

Why are you so sure it was a no all together just because he couldn’t do when you suggested?!

I hope you send the text, my partner has never “chased women or made the first move” if I hadn’t made the first move 11 years ago then who knows what would have happened.

so long as you don’t come across needy or desperate for too much too soon, if he’s put off by you being a grown woman and basically saying “I like you, can I see you again” then he’s not for you, best to know sooner

That’s not a nice thing to call someone who is asking for advice, especially if they’re shy or only just entering the dating game. It’s like learning to drive - when you start off you’re anxious and you have an instructor to help. The more you drive, the more comfortable you get. The more you date, the more comfortable to get. Nobody likes rejection and it’s natural to feel anxious and doubt yourself. That doesn’t mean the guy has dodged a bullet; it also doesn’t mean she’s obsessive. If anything, I’d worry that people will see this poster’s weakness and take advantage of it.

Agreed. This is the sort of rubbish trotted out by dating coaches like Matthew Hussey who propounds the Mars and Venus theory.

Agree the advice is rubbish, but it's not the sort of thing Matthew Hussey ever says! He doesn't propound any 'Mars and Venus theory'.

OP, Matthew Hussey is actually a really sound coach on how to date and how to deal with these specific types of situations. He advocates for boundaries and authenticity. Have personally found his advice really helpful in dating.

@Sugarandmoresugar10
I really don't think its as simple as you initiated a text therefore he knew you were interested and that's boring!
Some men really enjoy knowing that a woman is interested and attracted to them.
Some obviously don't.
So don't worry about this one, it didn't work out but I doubt that is a reflection of your singular text!
I do agree with others that you sound quite anxious about the whole thing. Try to relax and not overanalyse every interaction you have with potential partners in the future. It probably doesn't come across as very natural. I do understand though, as I have quite severe social anxiety at times so I know the over thinking is hard to get out of.
But bizarrely I rarely had it with men. Mainly because I had such shit experiences with them in my youth that I couldn't be bothered with any uncertainty in future relationships.
Which led me to my husband who found it absolutely delightful that I was honest about being attracted to him and wanting to spend time together as he'd had experiences with women who would wait at least twice as long to reply to a text as he did so as not to seem to keen and he hated the games.
When he suggested we move to another city together after only dating 6 months I sat him down to talk about our desires for the future including marriage, kids, country (we met abroad), as I was honest that I didn't see it being worth committing to the relationship further by moving somewhere together if we didn't feel we had a similar vision for the future.
We've moved countries together, been married 7 years and are planning our second child.
There is basically zero mystery in our relationship or traditional tv style romance. But we love each other and are happy.

OP, having read all your posts...don't worry, you didn't put him off. Just sending a text wouldn't have put him off - if he liked you he would have been pleased.

I dated in my 30s and God, so many crap, avoidant English men. Then I found a guy who was just straightforward. I messaged him first (online dating), I suggested meeting up. He kissed me at the end of the first date. I think I messaged him the next day, he messaged me back....it was SO EASY.

Honestly, these men exist. You did NOTHING WRONG. Just keep being your normal, straightforward self. Don't play games and you'll find someone else who doesn't play games. It'll happen!

Jeepers, you're giving yourself such a hard time and over thinking it all.

You asked, it is perfectly OK to do that. You have your own mind. He said no. That's ok too.

Don't have a melt down because you think a text would put someone off. Of it did, they are the ones who really need to see a therapist.

Know your own mind, girl!

Yes , and by the way . That she is not into him, I am sure he must have felt at the date; which means he very likely backing up himself and playing it cool. Let's see what happens sort of strategy .
She needs to make up her mind what she would like to get out of this for herself. Than he can decide if he actually wants that as well or is looking for something else.
And buy the way , if a woman would send me 50 texts I would feel flattered, because I would feel like VIP, not just another man.

But phoning is a better idea to find out what is going on in each other's head.

I am in not texting camp ...however if u did text and got a response then it is time to stop analysis- paralysis and move on.
There's no way of texting in a "right way" that would get this man interested if he already isn't.
And if he was interested then there would have been virtually no way of messing it via text.

@XyzMan You'd feel flattered if a woman sent you 50 texts? Why? If she was sending 50 texts would that be because you'd not replied to any of them and she was harassing you? It really doesn't make sense. That's bombardment.

What it the status quo now?

I Tried to read throw all the messages but because there are so many I am sure I missed something important.

@PercyJackson wrote:

"Why on earth would anyone want to be with that men who think like that don't want a relationship, they want a shag".

Shag or not quite frequently a shag ends up in a relationship . Don't you agree?

If the shag is the result of a bloke feeling he has succeeded in overcoming a 'challenge' to get there then no, I don't agree. Certainly not a good or lasting relationship.

I don’t think him being suddenly busy has anything to do with you texting him!

IF he was into you he’d have said yes let’s do it, and set a date, he didn’t…. So I just think the date was nice but he’s friend zoned you!

Don’t read anymore into it than that.

Despite what people may say, men want women to be a bit keen, it’s flattering, just not overly keen…. For example if you left the date and text him 10 minutes later with the cinema times.. that looks too keen…. But if you waited 2-3 days then that’s just someone finding time to look up the times and sending a quick message saying ‘do you fancy it?’….

Don’t be put off by this experience and don’t be too stand offish with future dates…

Maybe work on your own self esteem before entering the world of dating … I think being so insecure makes you vulnerable to the wrong kind of men!

That is why I don't like chasing. I guess some man may do it only to please their own ego. So it is not about her.

No means No and fine !

Did he actually text now something, which definitely means he is not interested?

Finished ?

So many people responded to this, I "lost the needle in the haystack".

What did he say ?

Well, the other day I had a lady and asked

If I would like to go to a pub with life music on Friday night. And I said no because I just don't like live music.

@XyzMan if you were really interested you would have gone anyway. Sorry to say you sound quite passive, maybe that's why you're on mumsnet. The men I like (and who like me) would have come to whatever I had suggested because they were interested in me. But hey,do whatever you want