Page 17 | Should I send this text? Or is it desperate?

Sugarandmoresugar10 · 2024-05-09T21:09:12+00:00

I had a first date with someone yesterday after work, it's someone I've already met as a friend of a friend, and we've always got on very well/I felt chemistry. The date was about 2 hours, a drink and very quick bite to eat. Conversation flowed super well, we had a good laugh. I wasn't sure if I felt attracted to him if I'm honest, but I have felt that attraction previously so I'm willing to give it a try. So he made comments about wanting to do it again, I agreed, and I sent a casual, good to see you, hope you got back ok. The convo naturally ended . Wondering if I should hint at meeting him again? There are a ton of films coming out that we were both talking about that are out this month. Should I text something like 'It'd be cool to see one of those films we talked about soon' So to imply I want to see him, but it still lets him arrange details? Or is that chasing/desperate? I'm pretty paranoid now tbh, but I'm also paranoid that he got a vibe I didn't find him that attractive, even if I do like him.

HelmholtzWatson · 13/05/2024 13:15

Sugarandmoresugar10 · 13/05/2024 11:54

I think it's because I initiated the coffee too, though that literally could've just been two friends meeting, it didn't necessarily have to be romantic.
He initiated asking for my number.
I gave him days I was free for the drink, he suggested one .
I texted after the first meeting.
I came across desperate, and ruined it...
Sadly I do think there's some truth in it all, I did make it easy for him and make it clear I wanted a date.
There was zero challenge and I think that put him off. It's rubbish but at least I know.

There is absolutely nothing "desperate" about asking someone on a date. You went on a date together and it didn't work out - welcome to 95% of dates!

Failure is often the least line of persistence. The more dates you go on, the better chance you have of finding someone where there is mutual attraction.

Of course, nothing wrong with moping for a few days, but eventually it's time to dust yourself down and look for the next opportunity in life :)

XyzMan · 13/05/2024 13:16

LeaveTheClocksAlone · 09/05/2024 22:26

👆

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Just , don't do the mistake and invest to much feelings in the first place. Take it slow. This way you don't get hurt when he is not much interested.

Shannith · 13/05/2024 13:19

In the nicest possible way you are way overthinking this. And the hundreds of second guessing answers in here are making it worse.

You went for drink with someone . It didn't go anywhere. That's it.

It's not something to extrapolate a while women want this/men want this scenario from and it's certainly not a reason to never ask anyone else out again or tie yourself in knots trying to be more:less keen/play some kind of game/follow so weird rules.

It was a date that didn't go anywhere - pretty much the definition of most dates!

Or there'd be no dating if every date ended in a relationship.

You did not thing wrong - just no real mutual attraction. It's fine. Move on.

Catlord · 13/05/2024 13:23

Honestly, it didn't work out because there wasn't a 'spark/connection/chemistry' whatever you prefer to call it. Sometimes it's on their side, sometimes yours. You didn't make a nuisance of yourself. If you'd let him come to you maybe he would have for a bit but it wouldn't have been the most enthusiastic approach and that's what you want, not just someone being a bit piqued because you don't seem that interested. That's not a genuine mutual attraction.

Thursdaygirl · 13/05/2024 13:27

Catlord · 13/05/2024 11:41

Re 'women texting men is a terrible idea' Look, there's nowt spoiling. The point is, generally if a man is interested he will be in touch making that known. Who asks whom for the next date isn't that important in that case. This is about if you're left waiting

If he doesn't message, and you want to know where you stand it will save you uncertainty to just send a message. Then he can confirm yes, I would love to see you. A message went amiss or something (not that likely but not unheard of)/no thanks/ hmm whatever I'm busy, maybe at some point blah. This is tantamount to a no. But you have clarified matters and moved on.

Why shoulder the emotional uncertainty of waiting around to for someone to decide if they want to message you just because you're female when you could just clear it up either way? Obviously try not to invest too early but that doesn't mean wait around forever if someone isn't following up.

Someone keen would absolutely not be put off by a text suggesting a date. 50 texts consecutively, maybe, but not this. If you text and feel you shouldn't have, or get a non committal answer then the person was not for you.

Of course there's a bit of a dance in early dating, you don't want to overstep but it isn't as silly and reductive as 'women must wait to be asked'.

Excellent post

KellyMaureen · 13/05/2024 13:53

Sugarandmoresugar10 · 10/05/2024 11:22

It's ok, I guess either way the outcome would've been the same right? Even if I didn't text him, he wasn't interested so he wouldn't have texted me anyway, surely? I just sped up the process.

Yes, you haven't lost anything. He gave out mixed signals, why people can't say what they mean is beyond me! Good luck, you've lost out on nothing here. If he re-emerges in future, don't see him again, keep that boundary.

ellyeth · 13/05/2024 14:42

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Underestimated4 · 13/05/2024 14:42

Someone who likes you won’t be scared off.

I used to live by the don’t double text rule, if they don’t reply. I broke my rule and best thing I did as I’m now married to him :) He said he was so busy with work and my text prompted him to make the effort to sort a next date.

Go for it! Good luck let us know.

Thursdaygirl · 13/05/2024 15:02

Someone who likes you won’t be scared off.

Very true.

XyzMan · 13/05/2024 16:58

Universalsnail · 09/05/2024 22:31

Why not be more direct and just ask him if he wants to go somewhere on an actual date? Instead of just "would be nice to go out again"

Why not ask him even more direct
. Hello, when do we see each other again?

XyzMan · 13/05/2024 17:09

Sugarandmoresugar10 · 09/05/2024 22:42

Btw, if he says no, for me that means no. I won't be asking again.
But apparently if a woman says no, that's attractive to men and will make them work harder? :/

If a women says no, it means no to me as well.!

Stupid that no not always means no, when a women says it.

Viviennemary · 13/05/2024 17:11

XyzMan · 13/05/2024 16:58

Why not ask him even more direct
. Hello, when do we see each other again?

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That sounds way too needy and desperate. Have you never seen that film 'He's not that into you'. It's quite an eye opener. Comedy.

XyzMan · 13/05/2024 17:24

uncomfortablydumb53 · 09/05/2024 22:39

I'd definitely text him.
I think it's easier as you already know him, so you wouldn't appear desperate at all
Something like.. " I've just had a look at the cinema listings and I'd quite like to see( whatever). Would you like to come with me?"

Maybe he says no, because he thinks she only text him because she
Doesn't like to go to the cinema alone.

Thursdaygirl · 13/05/2024 17:48

Maybe he says no, because he thinks she only text him because she
Doesn't like to go to the cinema alone.

Seriously??

KellyMaureen · 13/05/2024 18:15

XyzMan · 13/05/2024 17:24

Maybe he says no, because he thinks she only text him because she
Doesn't like to go to the cinema alone.

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That makes no sense at all.

XyzMan · 13/05/2024 20:41

Sugarandmoresugar10 · 10/05/2024 10:15

It was just very vague like 'oh yeah sure but I'll have to let you know when I can'- no suggestion of an alternative. An easy let down essentially.

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This texting can be dangerous. Make sure he actually ment it the way it arrived at you. Maybe he really has no time because he has a lot of stuff going on.
Call him now to find out, try to keep him on the phone as long as possible . As it would be a date on the phone.

T1Dmama · 13/05/2024 20:49

Sugarandmoresugar10 · 09/05/2024 22:42

Btw, if he says no, for me that means no. I won't be asking again.
But apparently if a woman says no, that's attractive to men and will make them work harder? :/

Who told you that nonsense?!
No one wants to be nagged, but one text saying ‘oh just seen an advert for that film we were talking about, shall we go?’
then leave it, don’t text again till he responds…. That’s just the art of conversation….. chasing would be texting him 3 times without having a response.

Delatron · 13/05/2024 21:06

XyzMan · 13/05/2024 20:41

This texting can be dangerous. Make sure he actually ment it the way it arrived at you. Maybe he really has no time because he has a lot of stuff going on.
Call him now to find out, try to keep him on the phone as long as possible . As it would be a date on the phone.

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Is this a joke?

Do not call him. (I’m sure you won’t but still).

Reeceseggaddict · 13/05/2024 21:15

Sugarandmoresugar10 · 13/05/2024 12:05

You're right. I'm just convinced if I hadn't made it easy he might've been interested :(

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I could have predicted this from the opening text. And I’ve been there too so it’s not criticizing…. But its not just that you sent a text but your whole energy.. it feels way too intense. You shouldn’t be this anxious. Work on your self esteem and pick folk who pick you. I believe in equality but also masculine and feminine energy. And chasing is more masculine.

But attachment styles are also an important factor.. you might be slightly anxious in your style and you might be picking avoidant types. A great book is on this is called attached - it will help you recognise secure and similar people.
Good luck!

Original poster

Sugarandmoresugar10 · 13/05/2024 21:18

Reeceseggaddict · 13/05/2024 21:15

I could have predicted this from the opening text. And I’ve been there too so it’s not criticizing…. But its not just that you sent a text but your whole energy.. it feels way too intense. You shouldn’t be this anxious. Work on your self esteem and pick folk who pick you. I believe in equality but also masculine and feminine energy. And chasing is more masculine.

But attachment styles are also an important factor.. you might be slightly anxious in your style and you might be picking avoidant types. A great book is on this is called attached - it will help you recognise secure and similar people.
Good luck!

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That's a good point, I'm just not sure how that vibe could've been picked up on from me just sending that text?
I'm not sure if it's different because I already knew him for a couple of months and there already seemed to be chemistry, so I suppose I was expecting a positive outcome and was a little blindsided.

OP posts:

Weemumofone · 13/05/2024 22:11

Send the text. Life is too short. Let us know how it goes 😊

Reeceseggaddict · 13/05/2024 23:41

Weemumofone · 13/05/2024 22:11

Send the text. Life is too short. Let us know how it goes 😊

she did. Several hours ago 😂

therealcookiemonster · 14/05/2024 04:15

Sugarandmoresugar10 · 13/05/2024 12:05

You're right. I'm just convinced if I hadn't made it easy he might've been interested :(

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are you serious? if someone has that attitude they are not worth it at all

also if he was genuinely interested, he would have jumped at you asking him to go see a movie. when there is a real connection the communication just works

Original poster

Sugarandmoresugar10 · 14/05/2024 05:54

It's mad isn't it, it's hardly like I was declaring my love after 1 date and sending 5000 texts.
However I guess he saw 'oh, she's interested ' and the mystery was over.

OP posts:

YoureALizardHarry11 · 14/05/2024 06:25

Sugarandmoresugar10 · 14/05/2024 05:54

It's mad isn't it, it's hardly like I was declaring my love after 1 date and sending 5000 texts.
However I guess he saw 'oh, she's interested ' and the mystery was over.

@Sugarandmoresugar10 if this helps you at all (because I feel like you’re thinking there’s something fundamentally wrong with YOU as a person which caused him to not want a second date, but there isn’t) People choose not to pursue a date for a myriad of reasons, and ultimately that reason is their issue, we can’t control what other people value or how others behave, it does not detract from your value at all.

Hell, some people can go about thinking they want to be liked and want a relationship, but they are so psychologically damaged that the mere hint their interest is reciprocated puts them off because they have such a low opinion of themselves that they believe that no normal person could possibly like them.

He could be getting over an ex, he could have thought you were too good for him. There are literally hundreds of possibilities, none of which are indicative of your worthiness, he just didn’t appreciate it at the time and maybe one day he will realise when it’s too late!

You need to work on your self esteem though because I get the impression that you were more concerned about him liking you than you liking him because you needed that external validation. It’s really not about you, you don’t need another person’s approval to be worthy. You’ll meet someone one day.