To be concerned with how my boyfriend acted when I was ill?

[Vlop]

I'm 30 and he's 31. I've been with him for 18 months, during which I never got ill. He even commented on this saying it's really good.

We've travelled to another continent for his work last week. I tagged along as he wanted me to but got very sick with sore throat and running nose 2 days ago.

We wake up at 6.30 for work (he goes to the office and I work from the hotel room we're staying). Last night we went to bed at 10.30pm and I woke up literally feeling suffocated at 10.45pm. He hadn't fallen asleep yet. I asked him if he could get me flu relief hot drink. It's the only thing that actually works for me.

He went out and got back saying the store 2 minutes away didn't have any medication. I tried to sleep but was really struggling so asked him if there was any pharmacy nearby. He Googled and said that the nearest one was half an hour away and couldn't walk. He did have a car but didn't offer to drive. I explicitly told him that I was really struggling and really needed some medicine. He wasn't doing anything so I asked him to at least phone reception for medication. The phone didn't work so he had to go downstairs. At that stage he was getting really mean to me, making comments like 'I want this over with, let's get you a medicine and be done' etc. It wasn't even 11pm at this point. He came back with one random loose tablet which had no expiry date on and I didn't know who touched it. Tablets never help me anyway so I told him not to worry. Made myself some tea and dozed off.

In the morning I found out that his foot was hurting. He didn't tell me this last night so I didn't know and it explains some of the irritable behaviour. I also understand maybe I was being slightly difficult as I was really physically struggling (first time in our relationship, I'm not a princess). Today he texted me at work to see how I am only once and when he got back I told him I didn't feel like having dinner and he went out alone to eat. Don't think he even asked me if I wanted anything. I find that lack of empathy/compassion a red flag. AIBU?

Not at all, I’m genuinely asking!
Really? You’d cringe yourself ‘inside out’ if your partner used a term of affection in front of other people? I’m wondering if it is because I am in my 40s and married, maybe older than you as my DH refers to me as “love” all the time sometimes “Darling”, it is quite common amongst our friends though. My Dad is the same as is my brother. It is not this big gesture of affection though, it’s not performance affection as not all of them are thoughtful all of the time, they are not perfect men.

You are right to get worried. There is an absence of kindness. I think #team Boyfriend comments are ignoring that you felt helpless and wanted help from the one person who is supposed to be on your side. I think that says more about their values than your expectations.

I’m in my late 40s and also married and nobody I know calls their partners darling in seriousness, I’d also cringe, it sounds quite an old fashioned term of endearment.

Maybe it’s a regional thing, it’s really not common to me.

I’d also see nothing wrong whatsoever with, ‘I’m getting another round in, fancy one?’ or similar.

FFS I wasn’t ‘madly impressed’. It was an example of how a small action can be a watershed for someone else. ‘darling’ has certainly pressed some people’s buttons. And did you not see my laughing emojis?
And ‘Right I’m off to the bar.Do you want another one, Callie?’ is perfectly ok.

I call my dh darling! My son calls his wife darling too. Saying that, I a.so call delivery men darling😂.

I didn’t suggest it was categorically because I am in my 40s and married, I proposed it was a possible reason.

Yes, possibly is regional thing or something else entirely! Who knows but appears to me to be very self - conscious if you are cringing over a word, no one I know would care as love and darling commonplace as is the use of names!

I think you need to make up your own mind here OP as you were the one in the situation. As you grew up with abuse and neglect, it could be even more important to make sure you are with someone who ticks these boxes. There’s a lack of compatibility when it comes to illness as well as communication.

It appears to me that people are making a hen out of a feather!

I agree, carrying a grudge many years later because your then boyfriend didn't put your drink down on the table in the properly prescribed manner, and you had to reach for it (the horror!!!!), seems like the absolute epitome of making a hen out of a feather.

I think #team OP comments are ignoring that he did help but it wasn't good enough. Along with the glaring omissions and inconsistencies in OP's story in which she isn't very kind about him. Maybe that says more about how they value their partners?

Oh Jesus Christ! Carrying a grudge? It’s a fucking MEMORY!

By an English speaking continent....christ knows why she can't just say where ...I'm guessing America which doesn't seem to have lemsip but suggests crushed up Tylenol in lemon tea with sugar.

It's utterly amazing with this thread that people can't see the difference between caring for a sick person and a thirty year old throwing a tantrum over Lemsip .Have any of you ever needed help to wash ? Can't feed yourself ? Needed your medication measured out(big responsibilities ) .Sending someone trotting off into the late night to buy medication you could have quite easily gone out and got yourself is not caring responsibilities , it's being so lazy she could have done it herself , she didn't bother . Talk about dressing gown of doom .

a sore throat and runny nose is usually mildly uncomfortable and I definitely wouldn’t class that as “really sick” he went to find you medicine when realistically it wouldn’t have done much for cold symptoms. couple of paracetamol should have been enough. also just because you didn’t want to eat did that mean he shouldn’t eat either? and why would he ask what you wanted when you already said you didn’t want dinner. yabu and sound high maintenance. female equivalent of man flu springs to mind.

This. This and this.

You had all day to independently manage things, for the terrible cold that you already knew you had?!

My Husband is stupidly soft, and would have absolutely driven to the pharmacy you say was open, if i had been so daft as to be so unprepared. But there's no way i would have let him, after a day at work and work in the morning! It says more about you the fact you expected him too!

Going by some of these posts , yes .

My mum always says my dad hates her when she’s sick. He doesn’t but he’s undiagnosed autistic and he always powers through illness so he just doesn’t get it I guess?

I’m emetophobic and can’t deal with people being sick but I also get annoyed at my husband when he’s ill with other stuff and I can’t explain it. I just want him to be better- I struggle seeing people feeling unwell. I’m not proud of this, in fact, I hate it so I’ve spent years working on it but I think I would possibly have reacted how your OH was, especially on holiday.

100% this! Its like when people say "a well known supermarket" just frigging say which one, no one is going to sue you.

All cold are not equal.
I have had colds whereby I simply have a runny nose, and a slight headache. I also have colds where I felt awful and couldn’t eat and had a banging headache.
I n Op’s case it is not as though she had a ‘previous’ record of falling ill , she had not fallen ill since she had been with her dp .Based on this fact alone one would think that he would be very concerned about his partner and would therefore do anything to support her . Given that they have only been together for eighteen months you would think he would make more of a bloody effort .
He doesn’t care enough

Did you miss the part where she fell asleep after a cup of tea?

I vote YABU, I wouldn't expect my DW to go out at night for cold and flu medication for me, I'd either go myself or do what you did in the end and have a cup of tea and see how I feel in the morning. Although in saying that I understand that pain thresholds and tolerance to illness can vary between people, but for me a cold is a cold.

All the people on here saying that putting a glass on a table instead of handing it straight to the person isn't rude are the same people that lose their minds when the cashier puts the receipt in the bag instead of handing it to them. They only understand rudeness when it is done to them.

I have also fallen asleep while sick with a 39 fever. Fever's sort of do that, you know?

What on earth are you talking about? Does anyone actually care if a receipt is put in the bag or handed over?