To be concerned with how my boyfriend acted when I was ill?

[Vlop]

I'm 30 and he's 31. I've been with him for 18 months, during which I never got ill. He even commented on this saying it's really good.

We've travelled to another continent for his work last week. I tagged along as he wanted me to but got very sick with sore throat and running nose 2 days ago.

We wake up at 6.30 for work (he goes to the office and I work from the hotel room we're staying). Last night we went to bed at 10.30pm and I woke up literally feeling suffocated at 10.45pm. He hadn't fallen asleep yet. I asked him if he could get me flu relief hot drink. It's the only thing that actually works for me.

He went out and got back saying the store 2 minutes away didn't have any medication. I tried to sleep but was really struggling so asked him if there was any pharmacy nearby. He Googled and said that the nearest one was half an hour away and couldn't walk. He did have a car but didn't offer to drive. I explicitly told him that I was really struggling and really needed some medicine. He wasn't doing anything so I asked him to at least phone reception for medication. The phone didn't work so he had to go downstairs. At that stage he was getting really mean to me, making comments like 'I want this over with, let's get you a medicine and be done' etc. It wasn't even 11pm at this point. He came back with one random loose tablet which had no expiry date on and I didn't know who touched it. Tablets never help me anyway so I told him not to worry. Made myself some tea and dozed off.

In the morning I found out that his foot was hurting. He didn't tell me this last night so I didn't know and it explains some of the irritable behaviour. I also understand maybe I was being slightly difficult as I was really physically struggling (first time in our relationship, I'm not a princess). Today he texted me at work to see how I am only once and when he got back I told him I didn't feel like having dinner and he went out alone to eat. Don't think he even asked me if I wanted anything. I find that lack of empathy/compassion a red flag. AIBU?

Clearly missing the point. Never mind.

That husband sounds absolutely horrendous. I simply couldn't bear it if my partner talked to me like that, all 'oh darling, would you like something? What can I do for you, darling?' like I'm a three-year-old, especially if he did it in front of other people. I'd spontaneously vomit all over him. (For the literal-minded: this is an exaggeration. I wouldn't really.) Seems to me that some of the people in this thread mistake being patronised, babied and belittled for affection and caring.

It actually wasn’t like that at all.

@Ilovecleaning

‘I’m getting a drink, do you want one!’ Then the drink was dumped on the table where I had to reach for it.

What an absolute bastard!

There's a lot of (or condoning of) hypercritical comments about boyfriends/husbands on here, often from women claiming to have lovely respectful relationships, but this one really takes the biscuit. He asked you if you'd like a drink, he bought you a drink and 'placed' it in front of you and you are criticising him for that?! Hoping it's a joke.

What this poster was jealous of was the 'public face' of this couple which is no guarantee of what he/they are like behind closed doors.

Small actions are often a big giveaway about people’s characters.

Yep. I'd say OP's actions are a huge giveaway.

You had to be there. 😊

It depends how you want to be treated. My DH is very good when I'm sick. He treated me very well, searched for medicines on our first trip overseas before marrying, without me having to ask for it.

We're reading what you wrote

I have done that for my DH and he has done it for me as well. The OP stated that she can't take any other medicine. If it was me, I wouldn't even have to ask DH, he would try to help me feel better without asking. Moreover, OP's boyfriend got irritated when asked to help.

It depends on her limits, if that's her limit good for her. You really know someone when you're sick.

OK, then you must have described it badly or unclearly, because that's exactly how it comes across to me. 'Oh darling, oh darling, what can I get you, oh darling?' Hideous!!!!

To recap. You demanded lemsip for a cold. Paracetamol is the active ingredient and would definitely have helped you if lemsip helps. Although, tbh you'd probably find nurofen is better anyway if you have a sore throat with a cold, as it has anti inflammatory properties.

You had the entire day to get medicine for your cold, chose not to go out, asked your boyfriend to go out at almost 11pm at night, which he did - twice - despite him having to get up early for work in the morning and apparently having a sore foot.

You refused the paracetamol that would have helped you, refused dinner then felt offended that your boyfriend went for dinner and finally had a cup of tea and went to sleep.

He did nothing wrong.

If you read my post he never actually said “Oh darling, oh darling, what can I get you, oh darling”
iIf he had actually said those words it would have been hideous and he would have sounded utterly ridiculous

'Would you like another drink, darling? Anything else?' is hardly any better. Patronising, infantilising twit. Why so many women are impressed by this kind of behaviour is beyond me.

He does sound a bit overly attentive though I'd wonder what he's really like out of public view

@mandlerparr

No, I think he went down and asked someone, who knows who, and they fished it out of their bottle, and he didn't give two shits enough about her to ask what it was exactly and just gave it to her. It could be anything from pain meds to cold meds to allergy meds to someone's grandmas heart meds. The point is he didn't ask and she didn't know. I wouldn't have taken it and I don't even have allergies. could have been dug out the bottom of someone's pocket or purse.

You seriously believe this version you have made up and OP's differentversion? You really think he went out and got any old tablet from some random person, not asking what it was, and said nothing when he handed it to her? OP has omitted the conversation they would have obviously had, unless you think all this happened is silence. Of course she would have asked, wouldn't you? And he would have said something, not OP: "what is that tablet and where did you get it?" BF: "I don't know" [shrugs]. OR did the most likely and commonsense scenario happen where he went to Reception (where OP said he went), they gave him a painkiller (probably paracetamol) from the guest stock, taking it out of packaging in front of him which is typical, bring it back to her and tell her what had happened?

Everything the OP says you seem to believe is 100% accurate despite her gaps and inconsistencies, even making things up to fit your narrative, but anything he does is viewed totally negatively even accusing him of lying about having a sore foot.

I think there is a fair bit of projecting happening on this thread

He was fine. It was many years ago but it stuck in my mind. It was the juxtaposition of a boor and a nice normal man.
I think the word ‘darling’ has pushed some people’s buttons. Maybe ‘Would you like another drink, love?’ would not have been so provocative 😊

I wouldn't ask my husband to go out for a cold remedy at that time of night and that's when we're at home! I was brought up to be stoic. I think you sound really needy. Your partner is on a work trip and you tagged along.

I don’t know about ‘infantilising’ (there’s a lovely MN word). Maybe if a man got me drink then held it to my lips while I drank it…
🤣

Is it the term of affection that you think is patronising or just overall consideration? For example, if he said, “eh up love do you want another?” Would you be alright with that?

Back to the OP, he sounds more like his personality than the ‘way’ he treats women . Some men are proactive in this regard as they try to solve everything, they like solutions, my DH is like that. DH probably would have looked further for the drugs, the solution but he does value his sleep so would have been the same about that. Dinner, I think that is unusual but again I’m referencing DH who is very into cooking etc. so he worries perpetually about people in his family not eating properly - me, our teen DC. Again though it is how he brought up.

lol 😂. Well done, Goldenbear 🤣

Oh my goodness. I am so sorry you grew up with abuse. IMO your bad, gut feeling triggered your post. Go with your gut.

Is this supposed to be some terribly clever gotcha or something? My partner would use my name. I'd cringe myself inside out if he called me 'darling' or 'love' in front of other people. He'd say something like 'Right, I'm off to the bar. Ready for another one, Callie?'

I'm starting to understand now why you're so madly impressed by a bloke calling his wife 'darling' in public.