Page 8 | AIBU to take DC's football coach down a peg or two?

RM2013 · 12/05/2024 14:55

MrsAvocet · 12/05/2024 14:38

I think if your husband publicly called out the coach in front of others on game time this is unreasonable. This should have been done on one to one basis in private.
I thought this initially too. I had imagined that the OP's DH was berating the Coach on the side of the pitch in front of the kids and I said that even if the complaint was justifiable two wrongs don't make a right.
However, the OP has since clarified that the comments were made in an end of season meeting between the coach and parents which probably isn't an unreasonable forum in which to raise concerns. I don't think there's much point in holding such meetings if you're not going to take feedback and you need to be prepared for it not all to be positive.

Yep totally agree. Admittedly I didn’t read the entire thread so didn’t see the OP’s update on how the issue was raised.

I think bringing up issues at an end of season meeting is the correct forum for airing any issues.

Toooldforthis36 · 12/05/2024 16:32

DH dared to publicly challenge the coach on unfair playing minutes

😳

PassingStranger · 12/05/2024 16:54

Budgiegirlbob · 09/05/2024 00:22

Tricky one- yes, the coach should be offering equal playing time to all kids - it’s possibly not always easy/practical to offer exactly the same playing time, but it should be at least roughly equal.

However, this stands out to me “DH dared to publicly challenge the coach on unfair playing minutes which resulted in DD being cut off and DD out of the team”

If your DH publicly challenged the coach, it sounds like relationship between the coach and yourselves has broken down. The coach may not have been fair, but he is a volunteer, and to publicly challenge a volunteer coach seems unreasonable to me. A quiet word to see how things could improve going forward would seem better to me.

I'd be careful if a volunteer. The coach may turn round and say go on you do the coaching and just walk off.

Eskimalita · 12/05/2024 21:36

As a mum of 3 who has been through this multiple times at different age groups….

the coach isn’t going to change
your daughter deserves better so don’t hesitate a second longer
your husband probably shouldn’t have publicly challenged the coach. At u7 it’s wrong to do what the coach did, but you know he’s a bad coach (you said it - he shouts and belittles) so what did you expect to happen.
learn a massive lesson in any part of life. Just because your brain works in the right way, it doesn’t mean that the coach’s brain works that way too. Confronting him was the wrong move because he’s obviously immature.

wingsanddreams · 13/05/2024 17:58

Life is too short to put up with people like that. It doesn't matter if they are coaches, teachers, etc. They are supposed to inspire children, and make them strong and confident, instead of feeling bullied or belittled. Move on until you find the right team/coach. Your child will learn that she doesn't have to put up with people who don't give her enough respect.

Bikkigirl · 13/05/2024 18:40

these are volunteers, as a coaches wife and mum to a young coach and a referee, there is a lot more than 1 to 2 hours a week to it.

There’s the time they put in to actually getting the qualification in the first place, all the admin involved, lining the pitches…mine have ruined countless pairs of shoes and spent hours and hours lining pitches. Then there’s all the endless questions from parents who don’t read the messages they are sent and all the private messages when they aren’t happy about something. Ordering kit, supplying missing kit, keeping first aid and safeguarding up to date. Collecting subs, chasing for them endlessly and accounting to the club for them.

Researching training and drills and tactics (no they don’t just pull it out of their backsides on the day) only to find half the kids won’t turn up for training and no ones bothered to let you know so you can’t do the drills you planned.

No they should not be abusive but I would suggest you spend some time in their shoes and volunteer if you think there is so little is involved and the fact is that it is extremely difficult to get people (especially ones with plenty to say about what you’re doing wrong) to volunteer at all and even less easy to get them to stay once they realise what’s actually involved. Without these volunteers there is no grass roots and most coaches we know put hours of effort into it, for the kids. For little or no thanks from most of the parents.

SplendidPendips · 13/05/2024 19:10

There are different 'types' of team. It sounds like your current team probably has some players with decent potential and ambitions for a high division within the league. It's very hard for a coach to manage that (and equally pushy, vocal, complaining parents of those players) with players who are doing it for fun and aren't particularly talented (and parents of those who also complain, but about completely the opposite things). It sounds as though you'd be better off moving to a 'football for fun' type team where the kids can play together at the same level, without high expectations. It's incredibly hard for a coach to balance expectations of both these sets of parents (I speak from experience). Just be grateful there are volunteers who run these activities. The amount of ingratitude I receive is painful. Perhaps you or your husband can step up to run a team if there is nowhere suitable to move your daughter to.

ByTealPanda · 13/05/2024 19:36

Footballmum24 · 08/05/2024 23:48

DD 7 has been dropped from her grassroots football team as her coach has 'advised' us she finds another team. She is not the best player on the team but is also not the weakest. DH dared to publicly challenge the coach on unfair playing minutes which resulted in DD being cut off and DD out of the team. This all feels very unfair to me to do this to a child with no real explanation. All season I have watched my daughter endure the shouting from her coach, she visibly shrinks and doesn't play to the best of her ability as she hates being shouted at. Coach only seems to care about winning and not about the children's well-being.
So do I make a formal complaint or just leave with some dignity.
YABU: dignity
YANBU: take him down, he shouldn't be coaching young kids

As a junior rugby coach, please for your daughter’s sake find another team.
there are those that only care about winning - no matter what happens to the other members on the team.
but I know of many wonderful coaches both rugby and football who care about the development and enjoyment of their players. One of my mini rugby girls is now doing amazingly refereeing football and I couldn’t be prouder of her.
IMHO it is a coaches job to balance winning with player development…. ALL players. There is no I in team and one player cannot win a game.

I will also say that as a referee I asked parents to be quiet or to return to the clubhouse unless they wanted the whistle 😂

Fancycheese · 13/05/2024 19:40

Why were you allowing another adult to shout at your 7 year old? Some of these deluded coaches seem to think they’re coaching Man City’s first team. It’s ridiculous.

Jumpers4goalposts · 13/05/2024 19:47

My DH is a football coach for two different teams, and there has been occasions where he has wanted players to leave. This never has had anything to do with their ability and always to do with either their attitude/behaviour or their parents attitude/behaviour. Are you sure it isn’t something like this? Have to say my DH has never forced anyone to leave, but is happy when certain players have chosen to leave.

Equally if you are all innocent in the behaviour/attitude then this team probably isn’t the best place for your daughter and you would be better taking her to another team, where the ethos more suits yours. In the right environment your daughter will thrive, and maybe some of her friends will join her.

CandiedPrincess · 13/05/2024 20:03

Bikkigirl · 13/05/2024 18:40

these are volunteers, as a coaches wife and mum to a young coach and a referee, there is a lot more than 1 to 2 hours a week to it.

There’s the time they put in to actually getting the qualification in the first place, all the admin involved, lining the pitches…mine have ruined countless pairs of shoes and spent hours and hours lining pitches. Then there’s all the endless questions from parents who don’t read the messages they are sent and all the private messages when they aren’t happy about something. Ordering kit, supplying missing kit, keeping first aid and safeguarding up to date. Collecting subs, chasing for them endlessly and accounting to the club for them.

Researching training and drills and tactics (no they don’t just pull it out of their backsides on the day) only to find half the kids won’t turn up for training and no ones bothered to let you know so you can’t do the drills you planned.

No they should not be abusive but I would suggest you spend some time in their shoes and volunteer if you think there is so little is involved and the fact is that it is extremely difficult to get people (especially ones with plenty to say about what you’re doing wrong) to volunteer at all and even less easy to get them to stay once they realise what’s actually involved. Without these volunteers there is no grass roots and most coaches we know put hours of effort into it, for the kids. For little or no thanks from most of the parents.

This. In spades. It is a HUGE time commitment, with little thanks.

TheCadoganArms · 13/05/2024 20:39

Bikkigirl · 13/05/2024 18:40

these are volunteers, as a coaches wife and mum to a young coach and a referee, there is a lot more than 1 to 2 hours a week to it.

There’s the time they put in to actually getting the qualification in the first place, all the admin involved, lining the pitches…mine have ruined countless pairs of shoes and spent hours and hours lining pitches. Then there’s all the endless questions from parents who don’t read the messages they are sent and all the private messages when they aren’t happy about something. Ordering kit, supplying missing kit, keeping first aid and safeguarding up to date. Collecting subs, chasing for them endlessly and accounting to the club for them.

Researching training and drills and tactics (no they don’t just pull it out of their backsides on the day) only to find half the kids won’t turn up for training and no ones bothered to let you know so you can’t do the drills you planned.

No they should not be abusive but I would suggest you spend some time in their shoes and volunteer if you think there is so little is involved and the fact is that it is extremely difficult to get people (especially ones with plenty to say about what you’re doing wrong) to volunteer at all and even less easy to get them to stay once they realise what’s actually involved. Without these volunteers there is no grass roots and most coaches we know put hours of effort into it, for the kids. For little or no thanks from most of the parents.

Very well said.

I'm a rowing coach and have in the past run both adult squads and junior squads and the latter are by some distance more challenging. Most of the parents are lovely and engage positively with the club. Then you get the small minority who think they know best because they watched some youtube vidoes, who are frequently late with collecting their kids so you cant go home, who think phoning you up at 9pm on a sunday is acceptable, who demand their son should be in the stroke seat, who fail to tell you their child will not be attending a session thus ballsing up your training plans, who submit petty complaints to the club or governing body because you dared said 'no' to an unreasonable request. Like most coaches I don't get paid, I have a day job and I spend a lot of time preparing plans, on admin and generally making sure things run smoothly. I don't expect thanks but it is very nice when people occasionally pull me to on side to just to say 'thanks'.

OldPerson · 13/05/2024 21:07

If your child is unhappy playing this sport and "visibly shrinking" - why on earth are you putting her through this???

Your primary role is to teach your daughter the skills to cope.

There's nothing to suggest your child has a deep love of this sport?

Is the coach a bully? If so, remove your child, because a child cannot stand up to an adult bully.

Are you and the husband the problem? Why is your husband challenging the Ref? In public? Why are you so invested in who wins the match?

It just seems you and you're husband have fallen out with the Ref and feel aggrieved.

Just how does what and why benefit your daughter?

Do you have any legitimate grounds for the Ref to be sacked?

Londonrach1 · 13/05/2024 21:11

Op.. volunteer yourself as you realise how awful it is..your dh caused a scene. Find another team for dd. Can understand why a unpaid volunteer wouldn't want a child of difficult parents.

jillycat72 · 13/05/2024 21:27

We had a similar situation about 10 years ago with our local football team. The head coach only wanted to play the best players didn’t give equal time on the pitch the kids were 6 years old. Told everyone that there were not enough coaches for the next season so only the best players would be allowed to play. This was said in front of the children. They blatantly lied saying that no one else wanted to join the coaching team despite one of the kids offering to help.

I complained to the FA about not following the ethos of grassroots football but they were useless didn’t even get an apology. It too several of the kids a few years to try team sports again. The dad who was turned down took his son to a different club despite him being picked to play for the original club and has been a super coach there and encouraged kids to play have fun.

we switched to rugby which has been much more friendly and inclusive.

I hope it gets sorted

Heidi75 · 14/05/2024 09:22

Footballmum24 · 09/05/2024 13:47

Thanks for the advice. I just feel like this guy is a bully.
I'm also upset that he has shared text messages we sent him in private about our daughter's mental health to the other parents in the team to prove his point. Am I right in thinking this is breaching GDPR?

Show quote history

Hell yes this is completely unacceptable sharing that - I would go to club welfare officer. Being a volunteer doesn't mean you get to behave poorly and he should have had training. Some kids football teams can be utterly vile and some can be lovely, I would complain but find somewhere better

ForZingyLemonSquid · 14/05/2024 11:34

I can't believe all the people saying you are unreasonable.

Your daughter is 7! At this age (presumably still 5 a side) they should all be getting equal game time. How are they supposed to improve?

Sadly from experience if he's this bad now I would move your daughter, as he will only get worse. I would however make a complaint to the club's safeguarding officer, as he doesn't sound like the right sort of person to be coaching such young kids.

iamwhatiam23 · 14/05/2024 11:40

Imo grass roots football is a completely toxic environment! Kids progress based on who is the best players and whose parents fit in and get on well with the coaches! Basically if your face fits then its ok!

eastegg · 14/05/2024 17:25

DyslexicPoster · 09/05/2024 03:56

This is one of the reasons I've never liked football as a kids out of school activity. Too much shouting all round. Idk I'd just leave. I had a couch threaten my son with violence in gymnastics and the owner just gave me a lecture on ruining the couches career. Even when I pointed out its my duty to belive him and report an aligation, she had zero interest in considering it anything but a lie. The more competitive the club, the less they care about the child. My next son went to non competitive gym and there was never any issues. In the case of gymnastics, forcing girls to stay tiny and eat next to nothing starts somewhere, like the adult owners who got successful by eating nothing but a tin of Sweetcorn a day and being shouted out and threatened.

The couch won't ponder on the comments.

I dont understand. You’ve said you don’t like football as an activity for kids and then given examples all from gymnastics.

My experience of grassroots football has been very positive in terms of welfare. Don’t tar it with the gymnastics brush, which is notorious.

brunettemic · 14/05/2024 17:29

Just change teams, the coach is giving up their own time and can run the team how they want, even if they’re a twat in how they do it. My DS changed from an awful coach to a different team and he’s now a best better player and more confident.

Silverfoxette · 14/05/2024 18:56

whiteboardking · 09/05/2024 00:04

I'm a very experienced coach of football.
Seriously he's not fit to coach that age. They all at that age play development league where scores aren't recorded & published as it's not allowed. National rule.
All players should get equal playing time to learn how to play football.
He's totally not getting the purpose of leagues at that age.
He's in wrong 'job'
Leave and find a club who do if the right way.
But email the club you leaving to say why

I would agree with you, this is good advice.

MrsAvocet · 14/05/2024 19:20

the coach is giving up their own time and can run the team how they want
But they can't that's the whole point. They have to follow the rules and code of conduct set out by their national governing body, not to mention the law.
Multiple other coaches on here seem to be of the opinion that this man is not doing the former, and from the OP's description of how he shared her family's personal information it sounds like he is in breach of the latter too.
Being a volunteer does not give you carte blanche to run things however you like and there is no shortage of evidence of the harm that can be done to young people when volunteers think they can do just that.

Jumpers4goalposts · 14/05/2024 21:04

iamwhatiam23 · 14/05/2024 11:40

Imo grass roots football is a completely toxic environment! Kids progress based on who is the best players and whose parents fit in and get on well with the coaches! Basically if your face fits then its ok!

That is not true of all teams. My daughters U7’s team all get to play every single week and my eldest U12’s team every player gets a minimum of 40mins every week they are available.

CrispEater2000 · 14/05/2024 23:37

DS has been playing since U7, now coming to the end of U10.

One big thing I've noticed is that the coaches and parents need to be on the same page. If you have coaches who are pushy and the parents aren't, it won't work. If you have parents who are pushy and the coaches aren't, it won't work. Even if you have some parents who are pushy and some parents who aren't, it won't work.

For me kids football should be about having fun and the bond that group of kids will have. Of course everyone wants to win, but it shouldn't be the be all and end all.

My advice would be to find a team where your daughter is comfortable, you get on with the other parents, and the coach is looking to bring the kids on and let them have fun.

whiteboardking · 14/05/2024 23:55

@Truthtalker National Silent Sideline weekends are FA initiatives to showcase that kids can and should work out the game without coaches (& parents) yelling instructions at them. Highlighting good practice. Some leagues run them more regularly.

www.englandfootball.com/articles/2024/Feb/28/silent-support-weekend-2024-20242802