AIBU to take DC's football coach down a peg or two?

[Footballmum24]

DD 7 has been dropped from her grassroots football team as her coach has 'advised' us she finds another team. She is not the best player on the team but is also not the weakest. DH dared to publicly challenge the coach on unfair playing minutes which resulted in DD being cut off and DD out of the team. This all feels very unfair to me to do this to a child with no real explanation. All season I have watched my daughter endure the shouting from her coach, she visibly shrinks and doesn't play to the best of her ability as she hates being shouted at. Coach only seems to care about winning and not about the children's well-being.
So do I make a formal complaint or just leave with some dignity.
YABU: dignity
YANBU: take him down, he shouldn't be coaching young kids

Married to a coach who has coached since U9. He’s competitive as our team play at a very high level and all the kids are talented and most have been at pre-academy level but he would never dream of shouting at the boys, he has learnt techniques to motivate each boy individually, learnt what makes them tick and what to say to help and develop each of them. He knows that shouting won’t make them better, if anything it makes them worse.

At U12 it is a little different and he has had to give less game time to 1/2 boys who struggle with the level the team is at but up to this season he always tried to give equal game time but ….

He’s has parents said my kid only has 32 mins this week instead of 35, my kid wants to play in this position, my kid should play the whole game etc etc. None of them volunteer their time to run the line, referee a game but my husband spends hours planning training sessions, doing FA courses monthly, club admin etc all as a volunteer. It’s easy to be a parent on the side line moaning and bringing the coach down a peg or two but how many parents are willing to give up hours each week for a team?

In your situation, the coach is wrong but so are you. Have that chat in private and don’t be the parent who comes across as their child is the most important one in the team but I would say the relationship is beyond repair and it’s time to find the right team for your DD. Also I would mention your concerns about the way he coaches to the welfare officer, that’s what they volunteer their time for.

She's 7 😂

My boy is 13 & our coaches do not behave like that. We still have equal playing time & they do not shout from the sideline. Instructions are given before the game & at half time. Other than that it is up to the boys to make their own decisions on the pitch. That's how they learn. If your DD really enjoys football, I would look to move & find a nicer team elsewhere.

"DH dared to publicly challenge the coach"
Your husband has gone off on one publicly at the volunteer who runs your child's club, giving up their own time and likely money. Is it any wonder they don't want to deal with your family anymore?

YABU to 'take them down a peg or two'
What do you even mean by this? Because it sounds like you're threatening them.

If you find another club who are willing to take your child, please speak to the volunteers with respect, and if you notice anything 'on unfair playing minutes', perhaps try to address this is a calm, and reasonable manner in future.

Your being totally unreasonable...

I'm a football mum my sons 11 now.
I'm there week in week out...every training session every football match.
We are outside with him practicing ball control and passing and shooting, doing drills ect as he wants to progress in this sport.

Playing football is about winning...
Kids don't go out to lose the match, they go out wanting to win and so they should.

Do you both as parents do any extra coaching with her???

Coaches shout they are supposed to if they stood at the sidelines doing nothing the kids wouldn't know what to do.

Find another team and also let your daughter know shouting is normal.in football

Exactly this!! I’m genuinely shocked at some of these replies saying her or her daughter are the problem….THEY ARE FLIPPING 7 YEAR OLDS!!! The f is wrong with these nasty arses thinking it’s ok to do this to a 7 year old or even be shouting at them 🤬 I know of a kid who swapped from one U10 team to another because of this bs. He hated the shouting from the coach and withdrew into himself, he was miserable, dreaded training and started avoiding matches. Swapped to other U10 team (there’s 3 teams) and he thrived, he came home happy from training, scored brilliantly on his very first game and was then happier at home too. Arsehole bullying coaches who put their kids down cause more problems within their teams than they care to admit but rather blame the kids!!

My sons coaches shout what to do from sidelines, in an encouraging nice way, they shout to tell them to pull back, get in position, find a man to mark and so on, they mainly shout words of praise and encouragement for doing well or “hard luck” if they missed a shot etc, they DONT shout at the kids in an angry way which is what she means, shouting getting pissed at the fact they’re not doing things to perfection. There are coaches like that within all clubs who do that and the kids hate it, funny enough they’re usually the ones losing games too…I wonder why 😏 This topic is about a 7 year old girl playing on a team, they’re SEVEN!! It’s not needed. Praise and encouragement and helping them work on areas they need to work on goes a lot further than a grown ass man getting agitated and roaring scaring the shit out of them 🙄

I’ll assume that you have never read and signed a Club ‘code of conduct’ nor read the FA’s ethos on youth football?

Football is about fun and development (at least until U12’s). There are no league tables or scores published from U7’s to U11’s. The FA coaching course absolutely does not teach the coaches that playing football is all about winning - it is all about equal game time, fun, having a great attitude regardless of the result and respect for each other, other players and officials.

Coaches should not be shouting at the children, to the point where they get upset or are scared of the coach. Any coach who behaves like this should be reported to the club welfare officer and even the County FA safeguarding lead.

My son used to referee youth football and we regularly came across parents with your attitude. The ones in the sidelines with the loudest mouth, who constantly shouted instructions to their child and constantly questioned the referee (despite knowing sod all about the laws of the game). I was nervous when my son started refereeing adults football at the age of 16, but I far prefer it because he doesn’t have to put up with gobby, disrespectful parents who think their kid is the next Phil Foden and teach them to to have a win at all costs mentality.

An important read for everyone involved in youth football.

https://www.thefa.com/-/media/cfa/essexfa/files/players/playing-your-part---fa-grassroots-youth-guide.ashx

Go. Get your child away from this toxic coach and club or she will be put off football for life.

It’s grassroots and the FA do not encourage coach’s that shout. It’s about inclusion not just winning. Any concerns about the coach’s behaviour should be raised with the clubs welfare officer.

Brilliant post @Lucyccfc68, sorry @Truthtalker you are totally wrong!

We've avoided football completely for this reason. Its full of jumped up coaches and parents who think their 6 year old is the next messi. The never ending drivel about who's been "selected" for whatever (privately run, expensive) "academy", the kid who matured slightly earlier being treated like they'll be the best forever and being given far more support/time on the pitch than others.

Remember.... basically none of them will even regularly play football as a hobby as an adult, let alone ever play seriously.

Look for a rugby club. Miles better run and more inclusive.

I’m a U7 football coach. It’s far more than an hour or two a week. I volunteer for free.

I have difficult parents who like to undermine my decisions- coaching from the sidelines, tell their kid to do the opposite to what I said. The same ones turn up late, never help with anything and are generally a nuisance.

Am I perfect? Far from it! Do I try my absolute best to give equal game time over the season taking into account holidays and kids missing matches to go to birthday parties? Yes.

Am I suggesting that the difficult parents find a new team next year? Yup. I need to be treated with a basic level of respect and if the parents don’t do this I’ll quit and there will be no team.

There’s some shit coaches out there but in my experience there’s a lot of ungrateful shit parents too.

FWIW my DC plays football in another team, coach was needlessly aggressive and I pulled my child out that week. Vote with your feet if you aren’t happy.

Also, here’s a more technical example. Most of my team are starting to use skills in the game- stepovers and Cruyff turns. I have a couple of kids still toe poking the ball or kicking the ball as far away as possible. Not a problem, it’s U7 and there’s time to learn. HOWEVER it starts getting a bit miserable for these kids as they can’t keep up in the game and end up ball watching. They would hugely benefit from being in a different division.

Our league has 5 divisions so whilst it isn’t competitive it is vaguely grouped on ability.

Our Club has 3 teams roughly top division, mid and lower divisions. The biggest barrier we have is parents not believing us when we say they’d benefit from being in a different team at our club. Even my own DC would benefit moving to the lowest division and I have no ego about it, I just want him to enjoy playing. Conversely, I’ve suggested a couple of players move to the top division team as they would benefit from it.

Sorry OP not really relevant to your post but thought it might help others understand a bit.

Report him to the FA and find a nice team. It should not be competitive at that age. Coaches should be encouraging all children to enjoy the game. They should all get equal game time regardless of ability.

@Twilightstarbright other clubs tho don't grade 6/7/8 year olds as individuals they keep teams together and the team as a unit moves to appropriate grade group. The problem with grading individual kids so early is that the footy ace at 7 is often not the best at 8-9 and at 10 the later developers often whizz past.
Seen it told & time again. Putting all the weakest kids in one team isn't great for development either.
Mixed ability teams can really challenge all.. the weaker have to work to keep up and the stronger have to compensate and should learn to support weaker team mates / pass to them and not just hog the ball.. they are only 7 and all learn at different rates and will have different skills. The fastest kids are actually long term the best.

Unless your child is exceptionally talented or you provide financial backing, you will have absolutely no power in this situation at all to 'take him down' in any way. He won't care about anything you say to him as, bluntly, your DD isn't a child he values on the team, so he isn't going to care that she leaves. If it makes you feel better to say your piece, go ahead, but I wouldn't think in terns of taking him down a peg, because it'll likely be water off a ducks back.
If you feel very strongly you could make a complaint to whoever is in charge, but the most you're likely to get it a 'Sorry you feel that way, hope your DD finds a better fit elsewhere' fob off.

@Truthtalker your coaches obviously have a shouting policy. But no it's not necessary it's their preference.
You can coach very effectively by talking to subs on sideline whilst observing game & tell them individually what to do. Rotate subs frequently and do it throughout game. Then just reminders shouted like 'reset, find your player'
The kids need to learn to make own decisions or they are developmentally hampered.
And at u13 and 11v11 it's impossible to yell across a pitch that big.
Bet they hate National silent sideline weekends lol

@Truthtalker You’re the type of parent who I try to stand nowhere near on the sidelines, and internally wince with embarrassment at their behaviour when I have to. You’ve completely misjudged the under 12s ethos, and you’re in danger of making your DC feel that your time, attention and maybe even love are conditional on being good at football.

It’s awful to observe, not just for your DC but because when adults are vocally desperate to win, it changes the whole atmosphere of the game for the worse. It becomes deadly serious, with blame and public shaming for children who get things wrong, and sometimes even disagreement with the (volunteer) ref.

@deeprealisation there’s mixed ability and being completely out of your depth!

One of my parents is obsessed with Chelsea scouting his kid. I’m not even sure how much his son likes football, it’s utter madness.

National silent sideline Weekend that I have never heard of 🤣🤣🤣

And my sons still at 9's they don't change to 11s until after summer break.
And if you have the voice for it it's possible.to shout across an 11s pitch no bother.

Yeah but if you have a player in the team who's pish...then they arent going to get as much game time as the better players its how it goes.

Improve fitness.
Work on your flaws.
Practice outwith training sessions.
You will improve and will gain more game time.

Can you imagine a SPL or EPL player being pish they won't get game time and why should they.

And the coaches don't have a shouting policy they have a train your kids policy give them pointers policy tell them to do better policy.
They won't improve if they aren't told.

Sub on the sideline ain't on the park playing...can only coach them before they go on the park to play so yeah speak to them but when your on the pitch playing can't stop game every other minute to tell ref sorry I need to Speak with number 7 to tell him he needs to do this this and this.

Or number 12 to do this the ref would be like fuck off mate there trying to play.

Great post.

80% of referees in youth football (U7 to U12) are children themselves and I have seen so many of them quit because of parents (and coaches) like this.

This isn’t the EPL or SPL - it’s grassroots, youth football.

Oh my god. This is a volunteer.
No one forced you to choose his team. If you’re unhappy with how he runs it, find another team or start, run, manage, coach your own (whilst dealing with unreasonable parents)