AIBU to take DC's football coach down a peg or two?

[Footballmum24]

DD 7 has been dropped from her grassroots football team as her coach has 'advised' us she finds another team. She is not the best player on the team but is also not the weakest. DH dared to publicly challenge the coach on unfair playing minutes which resulted in DD being cut off and DD out of the team. This all feels very unfair to me to do this to a child with no real explanation. All season I have watched my daughter endure the shouting from her coach, she visibly shrinks and doesn't play to the best of her ability as she hates being shouted at. Coach only seems to care about winning and not about the children's well-being.
So do I make a formal complaint or just leave with some dignity.
YABU: dignity
YANBU: take him down, he shouldn't be coaching young kids

That is appalling. The sharing of personal information must be necessary and proportionate and I am struggling think of any circumstances in which discussing the mental health of a child with other parents could be considered either of those things.
If you reported to me that this had happened at our club I would be straight on the phone to the Compliance department at our national governing body for advice and I think they would take over dealing with it right away.
It can sometimes be a bit of a grey area re the other stuff. Whilst I personally don't think that shouting at children is ever ok, as you say some people will see what you and I would call bullying as merely "ambitious" or "committed". Some would say it's just his coaching style and, especially if the team is winning, see it as acceptable. I disagree, and all the best coaches I have ever watched or worked with probably would too, but it's a fairly common view unfortunately. However, sharing a private conversation without consent, especially one that contains sensitive information is completely unjustifiable. Do you have copies of the messages?
In your shoes, in the first instance I would leave and find a club with a better ethos. You shouldn't have to of course but sadly I suspect it will be the best way to protect your DD. And I would make a formal complaint about the breach of your confidentiality. I hope you find a lovely club and your DD thrives there.

She's 7 and the coach shouts at her? Report to the safeguarding lead at the club, then take her out and find a better club.

There should be no shouting from the coach at all.

Glad to see some sense. Shouting at 7 year olds like that is revolting and won’t do anything to promote a positive learning environment. Gross!

Find a new team. Coach sounds toxic. I'd leave him behind and forget about him.

If your DD clearly hates playing for this club because of the coach, why are you still subjecting her to it?

This is football for a 7yo, hardly the Olympics. If it's not fun for your DD, go elsewhere.

This sounds more like the coach didn't appreciate an earful off your DH! The coach is probably a volunteer, and they're probably thinking "who cares?"

I think the issue is finding a club with the right ethos for the child.

Some clubs want to perform and win and be competitive. Others are less interested and just want everyone to have fun.

Unfortunately in football there tends to be more of the former than the latter.

I do kind of feel sorry for the coaches. They probably have to give their time up for free, and have to go jump through all sorts of hoops to coach kids. And I guess it is easy to feel underappreciated when that parent gives you a roasting because you don't model the club around their child's particular requirements.

My guess is that if we want to end up in a place where we have less and less adults wanting to do these sorts of activities then we are going the right way about it.

I'm also upset that he has shared text messages we sent him in private about our daughter's mental health to the other parents in the team to prove his point

Wow, that's an impressive drip feed. Why did you not mention this in your OP? I think that's the biggest problem you have here.

The shouting and equal game time can be quite subjective. But sharing a private text about mental health is bang out of order, and you should definitely make a complaint about this, regardless of whether your DD stays or not. But still not in public, contact the clubs Welfare Officer.

That is absolutely a breach of GDPR so would trigger disciplinary action if you notify the FA.

He's an even bigger A-hole than I previously thought. How f dare he

All primary age football is clashed as development football and no scores kept or published. They play to learn. That's why most clubs give equal game time and opportunity.
Any adults at U7-10 etc benching children to win games is not getting it.
The scores dictate nothing

That is your experience. An equal amount do not shout. They coach the subs and involve them in watching the game & explaining what is needed.
Sideline shouting is very poor practice. You wouldn't see it in a classroom

This

Coaches should not be yelling unfortunately it's a common practice I'm finding especially as you move up age groups My DC has just made a very tough decision to leave their grass routes team for this very reason leaving playing with their friends since primary but when your yelled at constantly it can knock confidence when your told you need to do better and try harder when we told them they were shocked and have asked my DC to stay probably because my DC has scored 68% of the goals and it's high double digits and yep still told to try harder. My DC has been upset too many times this season and doubted their ability, however it has been their decision we have said we will support no matter what.

Your DD wasn't happy. Your daughter will never do well under this coach .Leave find a different team. If you feel very strongly write a letter of complaint. If this coach has lots of complaints against him it's being overlooked. If yours is the only complaint they can file it under crazy parents.

Your DD wasn't happy. Your daughter will never do well under this coach .@Leave find a different team. If you feel very strongly write a letter of complaint. If this coach has lots of complaints against him it's being overlooked. If yours is the only complaint they can file it under crazy parents.

Having come from a point of my then nearly 7 year old getting 'moved on' from an u7s team because I stupidly let it slip that he was born with talipes (clubfoot). I do completely understand the frustration of your child being treated incredibly unfairly by a coach.

Unfortunately though, most coaches are just volunteers. Mostly parents just wanting a team for their own child to play on. And playing devils advocate for the coach, it's just more hassle than it's worth when you have a family who aren't happy. Since getting cut my husband stepped up and got coach trained with a club because there wasn't another free team to go into, I had no idea the amount of admin involved in running a bloody u8s team, it's mad, it's taken over our lives.

That coach is a bad one, no one ever needs to get shouty, it's none competitive, they're just kids wantinh to learn teamwork and how to play football, it's very frustrating to watch other teams cowering from their coach when they play.

Get her into a team that promote fairness and equal play time or start your own team, the difference is night and day now with my son, he loves training and playing and has given my husband that new level of bonding that's just for them. Your daughter deserves a better team.

YANBU and anyone saying you are needs to take a look at themselves. All kids develop at different rates and being at that age playing time, development but mainly enjoyment should be the priority not winning at all costs. It's nice to win but it's even nicer to see a player progress with the team from 6yrs to 18.
Unfortunately coaches find it difficult to change this mentality and you will be looked at as the difficult parent. it may be better to find another club. I am a football coch

Honestly I think you should just walk away.

The coach is giving up his time for free and instead of taking him aside to see what your daughter could do to get more field time, your DH dressed him down Infront of others.

I think it's you and your DH he wants rid of more thank your DD because nobody should be yelled and spoken to like that, especially a person giving up his time for free to coach kids football

I think this situation is a bit nuanced. I don't think your DH should have interfered in the coach's business. However, I also think the coach's behaviour, if it is as you have described, sounds like bullying, and I don't think it is acceptable to just turn a blind eye to bullying.

Why would you want t your DD to attend this anyway?

I would find out who your clubs welfare officer is and speak to them about it. Then I would look for another inclusive team. Grassroots football is about development at all levels, she should be getting the chance to improve.

This basically happened to our son… myself and husband are qualified coaches so asked for the code of conduct for the team, proof of all coaching badges etc as it’s surely bad for a child’s mental health and also told them to we were taking it to the football association… which in our case is Durham. They sharp backed down but we pulled him out anyway by this point due to the vileness overall

Leave and find a better team for your daughter, but yes, make a formal complaint about any coach who shouts at children and doesn't have a system for ensuring every child has a fair amount of playing time, at that level. Grass roots is supposed to be about that.

No offence but why have you allowed a grown man to shout at your child to the point you can see her physical recoil? He should have been called out there and then. Get you child away from that team before it does some permanent damage.

Tale her away and go find a rugby team. So very inclusive and welcoming. She will play a minimum of half a game, regardless of ability.

I have been here with my son's 3rd coach telling an 11yr old autistic child he wasn't good enough for other kids to pass to yet came from a team that won the league,being top defender and full game time. The manager had to shut team down as no one could take over and he'd had an heart attack. He just didn't want to deal with my child being bullied and played 3 new players before putting him on for literally 2 minutes at the end. We tried talking to coach and everything and I wouldn't bother that's why my vote is yabu because there is no reasoning with idiots like this. Grassroots is not meant to be like that and his manager before brought him on from falling over the ball when running to kick it and only able to kick the ball a foot to what he was and is now. There are fantastic coaches out there on grassroots just find the right one for your daughter x