AIBU to take DC's football coach down a peg or two?

[Footballmum24]

DD 7 has been dropped from her grassroots football team as her coach has 'advised' us she finds another team. She is not the best player on the team but is also not the weakest. DH dared to publicly challenge the coach on unfair playing minutes which resulted in DD being cut off and DD out of the team. This all feels very unfair to me to do this to a child with no real explanation. All season I have watched my daughter endure the shouting from her coach, she visibly shrinks and doesn't play to the best of her ability as she hates being shouted at. Coach only seems to care about winning and not about the children's well-being.
So do I make a formal complaint or just leave with some dignity.
YABU: dignity
YANBU: take him down, he shouldn't be coaching young kids

All coaches are volunteers and therefore all are saints and should never be criticised even if some of them are on ego trips that are damaging to the young children they coach.

I totally get you want to “take them down”. But there is no conduit to do it as some clubs are just so desperate for any volunteers, it leaves them without a coach for the team, so they don’t care if they are fit to be coaches.

Sounds like you are in my daughters team because we have this with our coach. He's had a complaint made and he didn't care. We are moving clubs end of the season.

You are correct that there's nothing wrong with wanting the rules to be adhered to, or raising concerns that you might have as a parent. But 'publicly challenging' the coach, and 'wanting to bring them down' is never going to end well for anyone.

The coach might be wrong, or the parent might be out of order, who knows, we are not there. But criticising the coach publicly in front of other parents is not ok. If the OP is so concerned about the coaching, then her or her DH should have raised this with the club or coach after the match, in private, in a respectful way. And I find it hard to believe that the shouting is really bad, given that the OP has allowed her DD to 'endure' this without raising concerns previously.

All coaches are volunteers and therefore all are saints and should never be criticised even if some of them are on ego trips that are damaging to the young children they coach

No one is saying that they can't be criticised. But doing this publicly is out of order, just because a parent doesn't like the way the coach is running the team. Take this up privately with firstly the coach, and then the club. If the club does not respond, and the parent is still convinced the rules are not being followed, then this can be taken higher.

I'd love to hear the coach's version of events. We've had a set of parents on DS's football team - endlessly complaining and moaning at any perceived slight of their child (which is always an incorrect interpretation). E.g. Their child would refuse to go on the pitch unless he could play in a particular position, which just wasn't always possible, and then his parents would complain that he'd not had as much time on the pitch as others...
They've just announced they're leaving and it honestly feels like such a relief to the rest of the team, they created an awful atmosphere - shouting and swearing at the coaches, posting nasty accusatory messages on the team whatsapp group.

I'm not saying you are like that, but I suspect if I were to ask those parents their version of events, it would sound a lot like what you've posted...

I would take this opportunity to find her a new team with a nice coach and consider this a lucky escape for you and your daughter. If it is FA accredited I would put in a complaint to them.

It happens everywhere. My DC and other DC at school were relegated to lower teams for sports because the coach didn't like the parents for whatever reason. There was absolutely no point in questioning the decision, so we didn't.
These DC eventually decided not to play for the school teams and joined outside clubs, they were much happier and we're used for their skills, not how popular their parents were
I would suggest finding another team for your DD.

I had this at my eldest son's last team, he's older so playing in leagues. We left quietly but I know the chairman so I let him know what went on. The relationship had broken down in the team though so I wasn't sticking around to see if it would make a difference. Ironically, I moved him to a higher division team in a different league and he's doing so much better as the coaching is better. He's done so well that he's done trials for an academy and got in! His current team are so supportive of this and luckily he can play for both for now. Leave quietly, find a different team. Do trials at loads of different teams and find one you like the feel of.

Just get away from the situation and leave quietly

YANBU

My husband is an girls U8 coach (that includes our DD) and is so passionate that it is about ALL the girls in the team getting equal game team and all being encouraged to enjoy the game (with gently nudging to improve of course!). This is what coaching for young children should be centred on and the FA coaching guidelines rules will 100% have some guidance on this. There are absolute stars ability wise in my husband's team of girls and clearly some that are less naturally gifted, but they are treated all the same.

You must complain about the coach to the club, ignore the comments saying otherwise. He shouldn't be barking at the kids either, so ridiculous. But tbf, it sounds like you are lucky to be shot of him!

I hope you can find a nicer team/coach for your daughter.

Been there and done that. This is very common in soccer and only gets worse as they get older. I think you're going to be at nothing complaining particularly when your daughter is on the weaker side. If she was a future potential star they might be inclined to listen.
Honestly I'd try a different sport. Soccer is ruthless

YABU... your DH got overly involved, it's fair to assume that the coach considers you both problematic for the team. You say yourself that the coach always shouts and your daughter isn't playing to the best of her ability on that team so why would you want her to remain in such an environment anyway? I suspect the incident with your DH isn't the only one that the coach has taken exception to so I'd just take it as a lesson and quietly move on.

RookieMa · Today 01:41
pinkdays · Yesterday 23:53

Look, you must at some level see how this comes across. Sounds like the coach wants rid of you two as parents more than your DD.

OP, you're that parent!

Ha ha yes this
**
They generally coach voluntarily”

So what? Takes a particular kind of arsehole to shout at 7 year old children. We had PE teachers like this in the 1960s. Depressing to read such bullies are still taken on to work with kids, thought those days were gone.

Find a different team and coach for sure. It's obviously not a good fit. Would you or your DH be able to volunteer to help coach/manage at her new team?

She's very young - in our area (SE London) girls' football is pretty big but they don't seem to really play proper matches until U9. So a couple of years later than the boys. DD's team played when they were U8 but had to play in an U9 league as there weren't enough U8 teams. She has loads of time to just have fun and work on her skills and gain confidence. Perhaps try a free drop in game in a local park or a football holiday club in the meantime?

being a volunteer coach does NOT mean you shout at or scare chidlren with impunity. I have spent many years at grassroots football games/ on sidelines/ hel;ping out - there are many coaches who should not be allowed to work with children.

Understanding football coaching and understanding children are two separate things and sadly too many coaches don't have a child focused approach.

It actually sickens me that people defend this shit by saying coaches are volunteers - so what? I volunteer as well I don't shout at kids and if I found myself doing so I would quit

it's also horrible seeing kids left on the sidelines game after game - if you aren't in this with the children in mind - get of of grassroots football.

Absolutely this! My OH is a coach, she's a woman, doesn't shout at the kids but is very positive and encouraging. The girls are doing really well and are happy and confident. We win the sportsmanship medal every year in our league, this is judged on parents and coaches as well as players. It's horrible hearing kids be shouted at. It's supposed to be fun!

What I don't think a lot of coaches get either, and I'm not saying it's just men that do it, but shouting at kids and being negative is not only not effective but can be quite damaging. One reason why older girls stop sports is that they really internalise shame and become very self conscious.

It actually sickens me that people defend this shit by saying coaches are volunteers - so what? I volunteer as well I don't shout at kids and if I found myself doing so I would quit

I think it’s ok to raise a concern with a club about a coach who is not following the FA rules. But it’s not ok to publicly criticise. That’s not helpful to anyone and it’s very unlikely to resolve anything.

I also think that sometimes parents see things very differently from reality - my DH was a coach, and tried to give equal game time - but some parents were not happy unless their child was constantly on the pitch, or was played out of their preferred position etc. Coaching can be a thankless task.

I do think some parents forget the hours of effort that goes into being a volunteer coach. Are the coaches all perfect? Of course not. But too much criticism will drive volunteers away, and then grass roots football will be in real mess. If parents really don’t like the way things are done, then step up and help, rather than criticise. Run it the way you think it should be done.

You sound like a fucking nightmare.

Not read the whole thread as not got time sorry, but I coach a different sport. Being a volunteer doesn't mean you can get away with behaving badly. We have a coaches code of conduct which we have to agree by and I would assume the FA has something similar. If I behaved as the OP says this coach is behaving then I would expect to be pulled up on it. In fact some years ago we did remove a coach from our club because of something similar.
I coach from preschoolers to late teens and I have never shouted at any of them. I have to shout to them of course - we are in a massive outdoor space - but if I ever had to resort to being verbally aggressive then I'd consider I'd failed.Yelling at kids doesn't make them respect you and fear is rarely conducive to effective learning. Obviously I am somewhat blunter and expect more from the 17 year olds than preschoolers, but I still don't yell at them. I'd find that unacceptable and would remove my own child from any club with that kind of ethos.
However...parents can also be unreasonable and every once in a while someone comes along who thinks they/their kid deserves special treatment and kicks off when they don't get it, or someone jumps to conclusions without really understanding how things work, or decides they can run the club better and spends every week bitching about us to the other parents, or thinks that it's ok for them to coach their kid from the sidelines during my session. That's also unacceptable.
We have proper channels for raising issues, opportunities for people to join the committee if they have ideas, opportunities for people to become assistants and take a coaching course if they want to and so on. (In fact we'll probably rip the arm off anyone who genuinely wants to help.) We're always open to constructive criticism but there's a proper way to do it, and any parent getting in a coaches face in front of other parents and the kids would be asked to leave. Yes, we have a coaches code of conduct but we also have a parents' code of conduct. Everyone needs to respect each other.
OP, it sounds as though you may have reasonable grounds for complaint, and in all honesty I'd look for another club. But if you complain, do it properly. Go to the Club Welfare Officer or another committee member, or if that fails, to the FA - don't try to "bring the coach down a peg or two" in public. Two wrongs doesn't make a right and in fact if you/your DH are perceived as being aggressive towards him then you're far less likely to be listened to. A calm, evidenced complaint using the correct process is much harder to ignore than someone who is seen as "that parent" having a go at the coach on the sidelines even if they're right.

Thanks for the comments. I know this can be a divisive subject. Just to clarify, DH questioned coach on an end of season review Zoom meeting about playing time being unfair for some kids. It wasn't a public slanging match. Other parents then jumped on about the shouting .

Thanks for the advice. I just feel like this guy is a bully.
I'm also upset that he has shared text messages we sent him in private about our daughter's mental health to the other parents in the team to prove his point. Am I right in thinking this is breaching GDPR?

My DD just wants to play football with her friends. We have never criticised coach during a game. We just know he wants to drop certain players and recruit better ones. This goes against FA guidelines for this age group. We are the second family to be pushed out this season to make way for better players.

He is a very passionate coach and some girls get less grief from him. He is very ambitious for the girls and some parents love this. But it is a win at all cost mentality.
We will find a new team and will find out more about the culture of the club before we commit. Hopefully fun, friends and fitness!!!!

Run for the hills sounds like a horrible club so get out now and find somewhere more supportive

My DH coaches our DD’s under 9s grassroots team (predominantly a boys team). He (and I as a spectator) have seen all types of teams, from the ultra selective with no weak players to teams with players who are all new to football. From the shouty nasty coaches (which tends to link with shouty nasty parents and rough play on the pitch) to the lovely friendly coaches, parents and teams.

My DD’s team is a lovely friendly team and the coaches never get angry or shout. It’s not selective and players have a range of abilities from those in academy set ups to those who lose the ball easily. Yes results aren’t recorded in a league but all the kids know who has won the game and the players all (regardless of their ability) do like to win. DH and the other coaches therefore do give the better players where needed more game time for the sake of the whole team (e.g. if they are 3-2 up with 2 minutes to play, it will be the better players on the pitch at the end of the match regardless of who had played what. If they are 3-0 up the weaker players will get more game time).

My DD has also started to play for an all girls team which is not selective for training, but is for matches and the weaker players may only play 10 out of 50 minutes and the strongest all 50. This is a much more critical, slightly shouty set up and is very different to her grassroots team. DD is fine with this as she is their best player so she gets lot of game time. I don’t know why some of the weaker girls don’t join a team at a lower level and get more game time and less criticism.

if I were you I’d just move your DD to a friendlier team with nice coaches. There are lots out there!