Men should do the chasing

[Verucasalt123]

Am I the only one who thinks the word chase is vile.
I don't want a man to 'chase' me, I want something mutual and reciprocal. It's on here all the time, people proudly proclaiming their man chased them for weeks, initiated and planned every date, turned up with flowers and so on.

The same people would rather die than double text or initiate anything first with a man. I've had friends absolutely horrified that I had asked men out because apparently that's their job.

I'm not advocating anybody chases anybody, but I think trying hard with someone who clearly isn't interested is a waste of time.

People who have this idea about traditional gender roles, I'd like to know if that continues throughout the relationship too? Are the women expected to do most of the domestic chores because that's the woman's job?

I really don't believe that every man loves the chase. Certainly some do, but that's them.

Also, once he's 'won' his prize, do you then show more interest and affection once he knows he's got you? Will he not get bored once the chase is over?

Honestly I'm single so what do I know, but I'd rather do so than partake in this chase bullshit.

It usually seems to be the man who decides when things become official too from what I've seen. I've had friends who cling on for months to casual/non-exclusive, really wanting to be his girlfriend but they wouldn't dream of asking for a relationship because they'll look 'psycho' in their words :(

YANBU. the whole "chasing" thing is immature.

If you like somebody and they like you then what's the point in playing games?

It's all this nonsense of men liking a "challenge". Ugh.

I'm so relieved someone agrees with me.

Exactly, I don't find that romantic at all that people essentially had to manipulate each other in order to get together.

I sort of view the chase as someone liking the 'challenge' of bedding a woman, to be honest.

You’d like to think that in this day and age we have moved in and we are all equal

Unfortunately we havnt and men still like the chase - because if makes them feel like they have won a prize.

I have discussed this so many times with different men. Men don’t like women who are ‘too available’ - immature and misogynistic but it’s true - unfortunately

I think it’s a really immature and childish stance. How is this even a thing in 2024? Chasing is a gross term. I am totally with you. How can equality be a thing when people hang on to outmoded and frankly disgusting behaviours?

I am neurodiverse so have never known how to play ‘the game’. I told DH when we first met, no games, no bullshit and non of this keep the guessing nonsense. We either are a couple or we aren’t.

'Chasing' suggests a predator and prey dynamic. That does describe some male/female relationships, but not ones to emulate.

Gosh. I’m old and was married a long time ago, but I really believed all that was in the past. I was certainly an equal partner in my marriage and neither of us ever played games. I am taken aback and rather sad that young people are still buying into this nonsense.

From my experience men seem to value you more if they have to work harder for you. So yep in my experience it works better if they chase you before and during the relationship.

Nope. When we agreed to marry, it was a discussion. Then life took over and time passed. When we discussed how to celebrate our 10 years together, I proposed to him.

As an adult, I prefer direct communication and don't engage in head games. If I know what I want, I ask for it.

It's 2024. I'd have queried whether surely that's not unusual?, but in terms of 'traditional' roles for the sexes it does appear that since the noughties we've been moving backwards. Nowadays, it seems, it's views such as mine (Generation X) that are 'old-fashioned' as opposed to an adherence with the regressive, gendered stereotypes I'd thought we were leaving behind.

Strange how life can turn out.

What does too available look like?
I mean there's a difference between, I'm available 24/7 every day, and, I'm busy the next 2 days then I'm free on Friday (for example) which is normal surely?

What do you mean by work harder sorry?
Honestly don't know why a man would think, oh she doesn't seem interested, I better keep trying then!

As for me staying single rather than attempting this whole chase thing (which frankly I'd be rubbish at anyway!) is this me closing the door to 99% of men?

If I don't act that interested in a man, it's because I am not.
If I have feelings for a man, I'm nice to them and want to talk to them. It doesn't mean I'm obsessive, I have my own life and I would not want to see a man every day by any means, nor do I declare my love after 2 minutes. However as I said if I like a man, it probably shows. What am I doing wrong?

Men like to work / hunt / gather / provide it is what they have been genetically programmed to do for many centuries. I think if you make it too obvious you like them / make things too easy for them etc you take away the joy they get from winning your hand. As cheesy and as old fashioned as it sounds it has worked that way for me when j look back. Relationships have always worked better for me when the man was slightly keener / made the running. I think men are hard wired to want a challenge. So become a challenge if there is a man you want. And when you end up with them don't become too dependant on them, remain yourself and let them continue to work for you a bit. Stay independent I think is my advice!

Again it sounds daft but where do you draw the line between not looking too interested and looking completely uninterested?

I'm not saying I text back immediately, if anything I hate constantly texting. I'm also not always available to meet, I like my own space.

However I've no issues with initiating a date either.

I genuinely don't know.

And genuinely, if a man likes you, would be really be put off because you hinted at a second date or whatever?!
Or texted first after the date?
Is he truly going to think, right, that's well and truly put me off now?

The sad thing is that women are also perpetuating this nonsense. I bet none of them could even tell you when cave people existed, although they use them as a reference point! I agree with everything you have said.

As Humans, we are such diverse and complex individuals. There's no real answer here that can work for everyone.
We are also so much further evolved now compared with even how gender differences affected relationships for our not so distant ancestors.
Personally, I don't see the problem initiating a relationship with a man ( being the woman) but I'm equally happy with the man taking the reins also!
I think you just have to go with what feels comfortable depending on the particular situation. I certainly wouldn't recommend perusing something that is clearly going nowhere, or if you're getting obvious signs that they are not showing equal interest to your interest in them, and of course, common sense prevails here! Don't flog a dead horse!

Some guys will want to feel like the manly leaders.... some will perhaps be relieved you have the initiative!
Most importantly.... it's got to make sense to you and feel comfortable no matter which way you choose !

I'm saying this because I was having very reciprocal conversation with a man I fancied.
It was only friendly at the time, and I suggested catching up one to one one afternoon.
He said yes, then asked for my number.
Then, he texted me first.
After the coffee he said he wanted to do it a second time.
I texted saying I'd got home ok and said it'd be great to hang out next week.
So does it sound like that put him off/i was too keen?

The problem is, you see all the time on here women whose bars are too low, and are being treated like shit. Setting standards a little bit higher and having the expectation that men will make some level of effort can only be a good thing for womankind!

Yes I agree.
I just personally find it hard to be very cold and blasé with a man I like. If I like him then why would i?
I find it hard to ignore his texts, blow him off, cancel plans etc..
Is this what I should be doing?

It's just not in my nature sadly.

YANBU

It's on here all the time, people proudly proclaiming their man chased them for weeks, initiated and planned every date, turned up with flowers and so on.

Yep. I'm often surprised to see posters listing behaviour which they see as good qualities and I see as red flags!

I'm a man. I have never had to chase & kill an animal so I can eat.... yet I have really enjoyed many meat based meals I have eaten in my life - I would go as far as to say I have enjoyed more than 99% of them. The caveman analogy of men feel the need to chase is just so much dingos kidneys to me.

Personally, I can't see why women asking men out or for the next date is so bad. If he turns you down, then it is almost certain he wasn't interested anyway - you have just found out the answer faster than waiting to see what he might do. I get having your ego dented is harsh but by not asking you are just delaying the truth.
If he is put off purely because the women asked - then is that really the man you want anyway ?

Women, as is very evident from almost every thread on here, are really terrible at being their own gatekeepers and protecting their own emotional and financial interests. Historically there were social and religious factors preventing men having immediate, unregulated, and easy access to women. Now that's all gone down the toilet, us females even line up and pose and preen on Tinder for the delectation of any unscrupulous man that may deign to want to fuck us, with no consequences naturally. So do I think wanting or expecting a man to make some small effort, to demonstrate his genuine interest in a female, is a bad thing? No not really.