Men should do the chasing

[Verucasalt123]

Am I the only one who thinks the word chase is vile.
I don't want a man to 'chase' me, I want something mutual and reciprocal. It's on here all the time, people proudly proclaiming their man chased them for weeks, initiated and planned every date, turned up with flowers and so on.

The same people would rather die than double text or initiate anything first with a man. I've had friends absolutely horrified that I had asked men out because apparently that's their job.

I'm not advocating anybody chases anybody, but I think trying hard with someone who clearly isn't interested is a waste of time.

People who have this idea about traditional gender roles, I'd like to know if that continues throughout the relationship too? Are the women expected to do most of the domestic chores because that's the woman's job?

I really don't believe that every man loves the chase. Certainly some do, but that's them.

Also, once he's 'won' his prize, do you then show more interest and affection once he knows he's got you? Will he not get bored once the chase is over?

Honestly I'm single so what do I know, but I'd rather do so than partake in this chase bullshit.

This can put off men when you aren’t actually desperately keen anyway and they see it.
I feel dating etiquette was formalised, discussed and taught more in twentieth century America. There’s probably a greater folk memory of how it’s supposed to work.

@Beezknees

I don't agree. I'll often text my friends to suggest meeting up on the same day! If I was genuinely busy I wouldn't change my plans but I don't see how sitting at home for the sake of it just because you don't want to look too "available" is a healthy mindset. Again, it just seems like game playing to me.

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Friends maybe - but this thread I thought was about romantic partners , and especially in the early days when you are just getting to know each other

But if it works for you that's fine.
I have always ended up feeling crap when used/rejected/taken for granted.

I find that enthusiasm in a romantic partner very attractive, and once I reached my late twenties, was very efficiently able to eradicate the time wasters from my life.

I've not come across this attitude since the 80s. Certainly my sons did not chase their partners.

The being unavailable thing is so that the other party knows you have your own life and that it belongs to you. Having a life of your own is attractive to both parties, surely. Also it goes back to basic psychology of wanting something and valuing something more if you have to try harder for it rather than something coming to you too easily. That's the premise of the rules. By making yourself too available and asking out on dates the fun and challenging part is taken away.

This is such tosh, I actually laughed.

I'll admit despite feeling a bit blue I absolutely wet myself at the advice of wriggling away, telling him 'not now' and tapping his chest with your finger 🤣

I think you need to be wearing a 1940s pencil skirt for maximum wriggle and say 'you naughty man' when you do the tapping.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I feel a bit sick now.

Why?

I m glad I made you all laugh 😁
(sick or saying I condone assault is a bit much, come on, i m just a different perspective)

But I stand by it:
women need to learn to observe and assess men during dates and courting rather than just be
women need to know how to say no firmly while staying connected (laugh all you want at the finger on the chest but it works like you sadly have no idea, because it’s a balance: you tell him “no, not ok” very clearly but by having a very brief physical contact to counteract, you also tell him he’s not rejected as a whole, just that behaviour)
to bond deeply, decent men need to feel they have earned it, they ll take what you give for free maybe for a while, but they won’t bond deeper, that’s why you rarely make it to soulmate level just by being nice
men fall for a woman in control of herself a minima, like a Clint Eastwood in heels (I give you this one for free to beat me with on this sunny Friday, you ladies enjoy 🤗 )

Love it.
Wish I'd had your advice in my twenties.
But like everything - you live and learn.
When I look back I see it's really not that complicated - but once again that's down to a lot of experience- Hollywood had a lot to answer for.
And you are right about the soul Mate level.
I am lucky enough to have that now and this love grows stronger as time goes on.

to bond deeply, decent men need to feel they have earned it, they ll take what you give for free maybe for a while, but they won’t bond deeper, that’s why you rarely make it to soulmate level just by being nice

I don't think decent means what you think it means.

This is so old fashioned. There is no such thing as soul mates either!

old fashioned but very true. Some things don’t change.

@TammyJones I also wish I had heard/understood the same when young.

You’re very kind 🤗 especially when some seem so very determined to find me wrong

Or maybe there's not one right answer. People are different.

Assuming that the above is the only reason that he's calling rather lacks self-respect. How about: "I've just seen that there's a show on tonight in town, do you want to go?"

What's wrong with that? Not everything has to be planned out well in advance.

I remember dating a Supply Teacher a few years ago. It was great, she would find out in the morning when and where she was working, and if that tied in with my shifts then we saw each other.

If you want to be chased you'll only end up dating men who are good at chasing. They've most likely perfected that art through practice, i.e. serial dating.

You're ruling out a whole cohort of perfectly lovely men who for whatever reason - inexperience, insecurity, not wanting to be seen as overbearing - don't play the game well.

Still, it's good news for people like me who snapped up the most glorious life partner, after practically clubbing him over the head and dragging into my cave because he was so useless at picking up signals from women.

Same with waiting for proposals, cringe.

Waiting for a proposal is more a modern humiliation. In the old days you moved on or your menfolk sorted him out.

I’m ND so don’t do games, it’s straight up honesty or nothing. I have often ditched guys for not being straight with me. I currently have a lovely DP and we’ve both been totally honest about where we stand from date 1, no one chased anyone!! Any guy who felt I was too available and therefore not a great catch is definitely not for me 😂

@WhatWouldJeevesDo even better option is the woman to ask if she really wants it.

Only if she’s prepared to end it if she doesn’t get an unequivocal acceptance.

@WhatWouldJeevesDo absolutely.. no waiting around for some man to deem you worthy enough or to settle for.