Men should do the chasing

[Verucasalt123]

Am I the only one who thinks the word chase is vile.
I don't want a man to 'chase' me, I want something mutual and reciprocal. It's on here all the time, people proudly proclaiming their man chased them for weeks, initiated and planned every date, turned up with flowers and so on.

The same people would rather die than double text or initiate anything first with a man. I've had friends absolutely horrified that I had asked men out because apparently that's their job.

I'm not advocating anybody chases anybody, but I think trying hard with someone who clearly isn't interested is a waste of time.

People who have this idea about traditional gender roles, I'd like to know if that continues throughout the relationship too? Are the women expected to do most of the domestic chores because that's the woman's job?

I really don't believe that every man loves the chase. Certainly some do, but that's them.

Also, once he's 'won' his prize, do you then show more interest and affection once he knows he's got you? Will he not get bored once the chase is over?

Honestly I'm single so what do I know, but I'd rather do so than partake in this chase bullshit.

I thought we were conditioned to believe that men absolutely love confidence, yet apparently they don't like women asking them out?

Because at its core it's the same old blaming women for men's shitty behaviour. There's nothing to understand.

Me too. It really only applies in the early stages of dating imo, when the relationship is more established I am then happy to open up a bit more and double text etc. However, 'the rules' work for a reason and I feel quite comfortable with that MO.

In my opinion, the risk here (from the woman's perspective) then is that there is a good chance that he doesn't actually actively "like" her, but just followed her initiative as there was no other immediate "competing offer", so to say. She's keen, making all the steps herself, no special effort required - eh, she'll do for now.

Unfortunately all this thread has done is make me feel like shit.
I have a life, plenty of hobbies and so on.
I don't immediately text back, I don't initiate every single date but I do initiate some.
I'm not available every single minute of the day for men .
However I'm simply not able to act uninterested towards a man I like. This might work with a random stranger from online, but not someone I already know. It just makes me feel ill never date someone.

Chase, be chased, decide/text/call equally is all up to the individual.

What I would say, is to look at your results. Is your way bringing you successful outcomes (whatever you deem it to be)? If yes, carry on. If not, try something else.

It’s not about being chased by a stalker or play disinterested if you’re not, it’s about making the man prove himself to you, observe him to see if he’s worthy of your time and affection. That’s the crucial bit. This usually takes a few occasions so you can observe and requires to let him in charge (to see what he does with it). But I’m sure you can set things up like this even with a guy you asked out first, but when the man initiates, the dynamic is naturally in place.

All people appreciate more what they earn than what they get for free, decent men a lot. And it has plenty of advantages for women: by staying a bit detached at first, you assess more objectively than if you only are “in the moment”, by challenging/saying no early, the trash only looking to get in your pants or who doesn’t truly value you will take itself out naturally.

Make a guy feel you have another level even beyond your regular awesome, but it’s not for everyone.

I understand that, but surely that might just make the man assume you're not that interested and move on no?

No one should chase anyone otherwise a person that wants chasing isn't worth it both should put time and effort into something if they want to make it work

Not if you’re interested in him. Cancelling a date is the end.
I think some of the advice about playing hard to get comes from America and doesn’t work here.

Well, I think I technically chased dh because, of the two of us, I'm the most forward and impatient rather than operating with a bold feminist praxis.

Despite that, I still embraced being a sahm and enjoy looking after the home 😁 It's hard to do the whole the personal is the political thing when you lean to homebody tendencies.

Charlotte Lucas reckoned a woman should show more affection than she feels in order to nail a husband so I suppose it’s always been a matter for debate.
I would show my feelings but not issue invitations in the initial stages. I certainly wouldn’t want to buy anyone dinner or much more than a cup of tea until he’d exposed himself to a certain level of risk.

Definitely not true. I think you’re talking about the Ellen Fein/ Sherrie Shneider rules. They’re material does sound very American but I’m in the uk and the principles of it work here.They don’t involve cancelling dates as a way of making a man pursue. There lots of associated FB groups and plenty of uk women in them. It’s all more about choosing from the pool of men that approach you and ask you out, rather than pursuing others that might just take you up for a while but ultimately mess you about and waste your time.

Some men chase you and when they catch their prey (that is what it feels like) they lose interest- keep you on the back burner and an eye out for the next conquest. And I am talking about men who on the surface do not seem like players. Some men, if they "pull" a good looking woman and they are no oil paintings themselves, they somehow then think the good looking woman isn't enough, it gives them wings, they think they can get an even better looking woman. They can't and then try worming their way back to the original woman, who is then not interested. Which then makes them up the chase again. A cycle.

Being submissive at the start of the relationship then goes on to accepting all sorts of crap during the relationship because the bar has been set - guy is in control.

@Verucasalt123
If your question was for me, you need to find the right tone.

Example, first date with a guy, all went well, at the end, you give him a chaste kiss on the lips but he pushes for more, and you have to wriggle away. 3 possible ways to follow up:

1/ you slap him and leave
2/ you lecture him for a long time about body autonomy
3/ you look back at him calmly with a gently scolding smile and you just say “not now”, you can even tap lightly a finger on his chest (and you leave)

1, he won’t call back, 2, maybe he ll call back, but he s probably slightly off 3, that’s how you do it, playful, the less the better, but firm and clear

I do wonder sometimes

Honestly I don't believe that testing a guy and seeing how much he wants you is necessarily a good thing. It might be, but I bet some men would chase and chase just to get a few shags.

This is pretty simple. If I'm seeing someone who 'likes the chase' and is only interested if a woman manipulates them into doing the running, I'm in the wrong situation. Who even wants a partner who thinks like that?

OK I will admit that in my current relationship, I am not asking dp to marry me. This is because I have a history of asking men to marry me at the wrong time for the wrong reasons (I've been married twice and proposed both times). Making the first move can be just as dysfunctional as not making the first move. It certainly didn't put the men off though, quite the opposite. And - see above - if it does, who cares?

This is a good point. Due to dating apps and mobile phones contacting women has never been so easy. My mum was telling me that when she was in her twenties and living at home, if she met a guy out he would have to call her parents house phone in order to arrange a date. A guy would have to call several times to catch her at home and possibly have to speak to parents if they answered. You’re immediately going to weed out lukewarm types by being difficult to contact. Women these days waste so much time backwards and forwards messaging before they even get on a date.

I hate them phrase too. I'm not here to be chased if I don't show interest then f**k off. My experience of being chased is more like them trying to wear you down.

I hear you OP and am a lot like you in that I think the traditional gender roles for courtship are total BS.

However, I think men chase women because women want to be sure a man is really interested and not just looking for a ONS.

A woman chasing a man, it’s ok, but she isn’t going to know if it’s a ONS or could lead to something more because most men are horn dogs and will take sex if it is on offer with no thought to consequences.

Some gender roles were developed to protect us, not oppress us.

I agree OP, it’s grim. However when OLD I did end up playing the game a little bit. not because I wanted a man who would chase but because if you stepped forward, you ended up with men who were “meh, you’re ok for now… why not?” which was time and energy wasting when you’re looking for a relationship. not “chasing” them at the start tended to weed those men out. I definitely felt that the right person would be 50/50 though. I wasn’t expecting to be chased with flowers and declarations of love. Just regular, reciprocated communication and a suggestion we go on another date was enough. Once I was sure there was something there and they weren’t flakey, usually a few dates in, it would be equal.

Sexual attraction is a funny thing. Women who want equality in every other area still feel sexually attracted to dominant men. When you’re talking about men “pursuing” what you’re describing is dominant and assertive behaviour. You only have to look at romance novels and movies etc to know that most women like it.

I just don't think letting a man chase you guarantees he'll want a long term relationship..

I just don't see why 50/50 is such an issue. One time, the man suggests a date, the next time, the woman and so on. Really don't see why that should be so off putting.