Men should do the chasing

[Verucasalt123]

Am I the only one who thinks the word chase is vile.
I don't want a man to 'chase' me, I want something mutual and reciprocal. It's on here all the time, people proudly proclaiming their man chased them for weeks, initiated and planned every date, turned up with flowers and so on.

The same people would rather die than double text or initiate anything first with a man. I've had friends absolutely horrified that I had asked men out because apparently that's their job.

I'm not advocating anybody chases anybody, but I think trying hard with someone who clearly isn't interested is a waste of time.

People who have this idea about traditional gender roles, I'd like to know if that continues throughout the relationship too? Are the women expected to do most of the domestic chores because that's the woman's job?

I really don't believe that every man loves the chase. Certainly some do, but that's them.

Also, once he's 'won' his prize, do you then show more interest and affection once he knows he's got you? Will he not get bored once the chase is over?

Honestly I'm single so what do I know, but I'd rather do so than partake in this chase bullshit.

Never seen a post anything like you said.

I suppose it depends how desperate you are for a man and how much you are willing to overlook, how much you are willing to change yourself and play the game.

I do. If I like some one then I’ll let them know.

But even in my experience the men I wasn’t that into pursued me the hardest.

The problem is - what I’ve experienced is there are a lot of damaged and emotionally immature men on OLD. Not saying there isn’t on the women’s side as I’ve heard some shocking stories. Also on the women’s side there is a lot of young girls who do only fans ect..

I’ve met one lovely lovely guy in two years but he just lived too far away - we dated for three months but the travel was killing me off. we are still friends as he is actually a nice human being. So I know there is decent men out there!

My experience is that in a successful relationship it just clicks and nobody has to chase anybody or pretend to be uninterested in order to be chased.

Chasing or encouraging chasing by playing hard to get are both signs that it's not meant to be, nine times out of ten.

I think if anyone is too keen on anyone then the switch gets automatically turned off and you get the ick. There does have to be effort on both sides op of course. But haven't you noticed that when you are slightly out of reach a man seems to want you more?! Common sense no? Human nature but it works when you like the man and he has to work for you... then it works beautifully!

Agree, the whole idea of "chasing" is very silly. Though I have found that whenever I've asked a guy out, he turned out not to be all that keen, or had a girlfriend, or was a bit of a crap date. Maybe not everyone is as unlucky! But personally I stopped doing that because it never led to anything with long term potential and I couldn't be bothered with these lukewarm dating situations.

If a man is actually interested I've found you won't get chance to ask him out before he asks you, it will be obvious how he feels, and he'll probably initiate the conversations about the future. So no game playing or chasing etc is needed!

See that's the thing, I've been pursued by men I wasn't into at all, because I was ignoring them or just not acting interested at all.
But it's just bloody hard to do that with someone you do like!

Honestly what's the difference between normal level of keen and too keen/available?

It’s not a thing unless we make it a thing. Be authentic, that’s all that is required of you.

Most men do thrive when allowed to chase in dating. I used that model and it was actually amazing the response I got when I was dating on OLD. Had a lot more fun and nice dates than when I was a bit more ‘abailable’ and looking to please. Married now and dh definitely did a lot of running.
Where do you draw the line? It’s not about being cold. It’s the opposite, I was always warm and nice but just never instigated anything. I never cancelled dates but they needed to arrange with 3 days notice at least otherwise they got a ‘that sounds lovely but I’m not free’ message, which shows them if they want your time they need to value it. I didn’t travel to anyone either for dates. It was my area or no date.

I do understand that, and that's what I've done too. I wasn't always available every time, and not at the drop of a hat either.
However I thought that was just called having a life?
I don't understand why women should never suggest a date?

Only a certain sort of man would push harder when a woman isn't interested.

I'm a man and prefer it when dating feels like an equal effort - like both people want to try and make it work. When both of us make efforts to suggest dates. When "sorry I can't make Wednesday" is followed by "but I could do a week Monday".

Tbf I have to admit to like being "chased" a little

The term is crass tbf but the principle remains. I do like a man to make the effort and I suppose thats the "chase"

I think *some men like a challenge as its an ego thing- 'I must be great if she turns down most men but is potentially interested in me,'

And *some men like a challenge as they don't believe women should have multiple sexual partners and if they find it 'easy' to sleep with you, then they assume you've slept with loads of men

Part of it might be a normal human reaction to want to be liked, and people focusing their energies on winning over people that like them a bit, rather than people that already really like them or hate them (as there is no point).

Part of it might be that people who are actually happy with their lives, and enjoying being single, and in no hurry to date, are just more attractive (than someone in the same position who is depressed to be single) and it therefore seems like men are more interested in someone that they have to persuade to date and give up the single life. So isn't that they are attracted to the chase, more the type of person that requires more effort or less likely to settle.

I've certainly known men who tried to date women and then suddenly lost interest when they agreed to a date. And I've got a good friend who men seem to love, and it's part she is lovely, part she is attractive, but I suspect it's part because she gives off not interested vibes.

But I've also known couples who were a couple from the moment they met and are still going strong.

Overall I'm with you OP I don't like the word 'chase'. And I am not interested in games. Plenty of men aren't interested in games either.

Thinking of all couples I knew, I don't know any successful ones where the woman did the initial chasing.

Men who lost interest because the woman agreed to a date? Sorry but wtf? What exactly are women supposed to do, say no and assume the men will keep asking?

Why does either of them need to "chase?" There shouldn't be any need if both parties are upfront and communicate.

How does it work for people on dating apps then? Clearly they don't want to be single else they wouldn't be on them?

Im sorry but I'm still failing to understand. So men apparently love these women who ignore them, say no to dates, cancel plans, and want to be single because god forbid someone should be open to dating.
Ok, and then they finally 'win' their prize over. Then what? The challenge has gone then.

In the ideal world, yes, I totally agree. In all real cases I know, one party was noticeably (as in, noticeable to outsiders) keener than the other about the relationship.

I admit I am traditional and prefer a man to ask a woman out, a man to do the wooing and a man to make more of an effort. So fucking what, sue me.

But also I think if a woman is genuinely interested in return she should just say so. Admit you like him, say yes to a date and text him back whenever you happen to have your phone in your hand. Don't leave him hanging for ten hours because you think it makes you look more mysterious or interesting.

Can't stand game playing. If you like him, say so.

Ok let's imagine they were a little put off. But honestly, would any decent mature man who liked a woman think, right, she's just asked me out/texted me first/seems to like me so whatever interest I had for her is immediately over. Seriously?

Every single scenario you give is seriously fucked up.

I wouldn't want to date any of those men.

At what point are you "allowed" to drop the act and be yourself aka interested/enthusiastic? What's stopping them leaving then?

Would you encourage this for your sons?

I mean, call it what you want, but I don't like asking men out. I'm a by the book type and there's nothing wrong with that.