Men should do the chasing

[Verucasalt123]

Am I the only one who thinks the word chase is vile.
I don't want a man to 'chase' me, I want something mutual and reciprocal. It's on here all the time, people proudly proclaiming their man chased them for weeks, initiated and planned every date, turned up with flowers and so on.

The same people would rather die than double text or initiate anything first with a man. I've had friends absolutely horrified that I had asked men out because apparently that's their job.

I'm not advocating anybody chases anybody, but I think trying hard with someone who clearly isn't interested is a waste of time.

People who have this idea about traditional gender roles, I'd like to know if that continues throughout the relationship too? Are the women expected to do most of the domestic chores because that's the woman's job?

I really don't believe that every man loves the chase. Certainly some do, but that's them.

Also, once he's 'won' his prize, do you then show more interest and affection once he knows he's got you? Will he not get bored once the chase is over?

Honestly I'm single so what do I know, but I'd rather do so than partake in this chase bullshit.

@Verucasalt123

Absolutely agree with the last two points, but what if he likes you and is genuinely happy that you asked him for a second date?
Everyone on here seems to be assuming that if a woman asks a man out, he'll only say yes if he's no other options.
*++

Well if he likes you then good, BUT the point is you won't know for sure.
If he likes you he WILL ask YOU for a second date.
This in itself doesn't guarantee a successful relationship, but you are off to a good start.

lol
Well I call this self respect
Who wants to be someone's last resort
Women don't want booty calls
(Friday call at 11, after the pub and they've failed to pull so ring fall back girl)

🙄

Presumably you would prefer if a man
approached you and said

"I like you, let's have sex, we can skip all the small talk and dates, we would have sex eventually anyway"

Why does it have to be like that? What do you mean self respect?

If someone texted me on Friday night and asked if I wanted to go out on Saturday, I'd say yes if I had no plans. I think if they were after a "booty call" it would be obvious.

@Beezknees

"The Rules" is such a load of tosh. If you're not busy, why would you not accept a date for Saturday night on a Wednesday? It's just pretending to be something you're not.

Because some people aren't busy.
And when you really like someone he's hard not to accept crumbs.
So you have to do this to maintain self respect.
It doesn't always come as easy to everyone and you can get walked all over if you're not careful.

You might have to do this to maintain self respect, I certainly don't. I'm secure enough in myself that I don't need to play games.

Its not a great concept is it? Far too much association of predator and prey for my liking. By sheer definition you can only chase someone who's moving away from you and the last message I'd want men to recieve is that they should pursue a woman who doesn't indicate that its welcome.
I think women who brag about being chased see it as a sign of their high value, when in truth it's more often about the character of the man doing the chasing. All the men I've known to chase have been very self focused and entitled, putting what they want front and centre, resistant to being told no, and the type to value winning the game more than the prize.

It doesn’t guarantee but it avoids some men who wouldn’t be bothered to arrange a second/third date etc otherwise. I wish it wasn’t the case and I went into online dating expecting to just behave as 2 normal 50/50 individuals but after experiencing a few situations where I was strung along for sex/company etc when the man wasn’t sure, I just did a bit of reducing stepping forward for self preservation sake. It’s also worth mentioning that the decent interested men would have been so even if I’d resolutely done 50/50 contact/ arranging dates etc so it’s literally just weeding out (some) bad ones not identifying good ones.

I do not condone sexual assaut, I was talking if the guy pushes A LITTLE, gets handsy (which they all do), a no but not a dealbreaker

My Parisian perspective seems to have baffled a few 😆

It absolutely would be a deal breaker for me if he couldn't respect me saying no. No grey area I'm afraid.

Every time a guy tries to second base from first, it’s a dealbreaker?

At this point you haven’t said no. The questions are whether to say no and how.

Not if I'm consenting. If he's pushing and I have to "wriggle free" as you put in your post, then he does not respect my boundaries and yes that is a deal breaker.

That's not what the original post said.

I suppose you would have to be there.
“Example, first date with a guy, all went well, at the end, you give him a chaste kiss on the lips but he pushes for more, and you have to wriggle away.”
the original post sounds like you initiate a kiss and he interprets this as willingness to proceed further. ‘Wriggle away’ doesn’t to me imply he’s forcing himself on you.

@Verucasalt123
You sound quite disheartened and confused. I think it’s a matter of deciding what you want and what your best tactics might be and then sticking with them.

I think relationships work best when the man initiates and the woman responds in the early stages. That's not the same as chasing though. I personally find it to be more respectful to the woman if the man indicates his interest, and her response dictates the pace at which things do or do not progress.

I would also prefer a man to tell me when he is ready to take a relationship to the next level, whether that be in terms of exclusivity, sex, moving in, marriage, whatever. That doesn't mean I have to 'wait' for him - if I feel he's not moving fast enough, I'm free to move on. Again it's about initiation and response, not pursuit. A no should always be a no. Even sex (in the sense of PIV) is about the man initiating and the woman responding. I think it's just how men and women work best in a romantic context.

Once you're in an established relationship, it obviously has to be more equally balanced.

In my experience, the kind of man I work best with in a relationship will do these things. The times I have initiated, it has not worked out. The times a man has naturally been the kind of man to initiate and express his interest have been the most successful relationships.

Man here,

Chasing is an absolute Joke, I hate it.
the amount of times you see on the dating apps "I will not message first" it just makes me think, "then why bother?" I can't be arsed with that, if you like me, i don't care if you double text and I shouldn't have to worry if you get "the ick" from me double texting you too, surely, if you like someone, you'd be more than happy to get more messages from them showing they're interested?

A relationship works both ways and I've seen a pattern, certainly with online dating that men should do all the work.

Lady, if those are the vibes you're giving off, then i'm not even going to try.

I don’t agree that there need to be any chasing. Interest yes. I spoke to him on the phone before meeting and them wanted to again. Met for a dog walk he was nice and kind. Gave him a hug at the end - he asked first - that was nice. I said I like you and he said I like you arranged to meet the following week. Etc I said on that date I really liked him and wanted to get to know him better - he said the same and had already left the app - I left the following day. He then said via text do you want to try to meet at least once a week outside of kids and family and then we just started booking stuff - a concert on Friday, lunch on Sunday following week etc

@Beezknees

You might have to do this to maintain self respect, I certainly don't. I'm secure enough in myself that I don't need to play games.
__

But it's not playing games it having healthy boundaries and knowing what you want.

Relationship I have initiated have not worked out.

The ones who have been initiated by the men have.

I think women are more choosy whereas men sometimes take what's offered.

Wished I'd known then what I know now

Dating is tricky. Glad I'm out of it.

Yes. Listen to this @Verucasalt123.
Decide what you want and move on if you don’t get it is a pretty good strategy. I moved on when I hadn’t had sex several months in.
It clearly gets more and more difficult the more entangled your lives and living arrangements, which is why you may want to set the pace.

Having healthy boundaries doesn't mean you have to pretend to be too busy to go on a date if you don't actually have plans. That's just weird.

Everyone should have more important plans than going out with someone who hasn’t got their act together enough to ask in advance even if it’s organising your sock draw. If it’s someone new it’s just not a healthy precedent to set to agree to last minute dates.

What does chasing someone look like?

I wouldn't persist with someone that didn't reciprocate personally

I don't agree. I'll often text my friends to suggest meeting up on the same day! If I was genuinely busy I wouldn't change my plans but I don't see how sitting at home for the sake of it just because you don't want to look too "available" is a healthy mindset. Again, it just seems like game playing to me.