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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD going for a weekend away with a man she barely knows!

248 replies

Wholivesinanapple · 08/05/2024 07:29

DD is 22, she lives in London, in her last year of uni (just doing exams now), she’s very confident and impossible to convince that anything is a bad idea.

DD has been on 2 dates with a guy who is 32, not massively a fan of this but they to convince DD it’s a bad idea would push her further in, either way not the issue.
Issue is she’s going to Paris with him for 3 nights in a month! Apparently he was able to get tickets to the French open women’s final and DD well she doesn’t hate tennis and goes through phases of it being her preferred sport.
I’ll bite my tongue on the age situation but surely it’s never ever a good idea to go to an unfamiliar city for 3 nights with someone you hardly know?
He could be abusive or anything!

DD thinks it will be fine, and obviously they will go on more dates between now and then so I should just “chill”

AIBU thinking this is dangerous and not a great idea?

OP posts:
MojoMoon · 08/05/2024 10:54

If he is abusive, he could just as easily be abusive in London as in Paris.

Assuming your daughter has her own bank card and passport, if it all goes terribly wrong, she can head to the station and buy a Eurostar ticket and be home in under two hours.

It's not much different from going on a weekend trip to Edinburgh, bar the language but everything at the station is bilingual, so she will easily be able to buy a ticket.

Mrsjayy · 08/05/2024 11:00

MartinsSpareCalculator · 08/05/2024 10:32

You and I have wildly different views of spontaneity if you think planning something a month away is spontaneous. Christ!

Show quote history

Well they are 2 dates in !

SeriaMau · 08/05/2024 12:52

He is arranging this in the expectation of sex in the hotel room that he will book. If you are both fine with this then it’s all OK. If not, then DD should bail earlier rather than later.

betterangels · 08/05/2024 12:55

Changingplace · 08/05/2024 07:35

She’s a grown woman she lives on her own and she doesn’t even need to tell you her dating situation or travel plans, you’re being very overbearing.

Agree. I wouldn't even have told my mother at 22. Come on now.

Nicole1111 · 08/05/2024 12:58

You’re not being unreasonable to have concerns about her safety, but you are being unreasonable if you try to influence her not to go. She’s never going to learn if she’s prohibited from taking risks and learning from them. By all means talk to her about how to keep herself safe and who she can contact while abroad etc, but it’s time to let her go out and get some lived experience.

Singleandproud · 08/05/2024 12:59

@SeriaMau Why on earth would the DDs mother have to be fine with her daughter to have sex in the hotel room? I'm pretty sure the DD can make that choice alone.

betterangels · 08/05/2024 12:59

Chersfrozenface · 08/05/2024 10:24

She's 22 and a student.

He's, what, 10 years older and, if he's telling the truth, has the contacts/money to get tickets for a major sports event and the money for travel to and accommodation in a very expensive city.

I'm calling sugar daddy. If so, I hope she understands what such transactions involve.

Fair point. Could be the case. She's still an adult and can make informed choices.

waterrat · 08/05/2024 12:59

It's the equivalent of her going to manchester from London - very easy to get home if she needs to walk away from him. Just tell her to make sure she has money/ credit card for travel back to Uk.

I also think she does know him after a handful of dates - I probably wouldn't go for 3 nights with someone at that point but it's not at the point of wierdness.

I wouldn't love the age gap either but...not much you can do .

Bin85 · 08/05/2024 13:00

Hope she has good contraception is your biggest concern.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 08/05/2024 13:00

I know someone very close to me who met a guy on a date - ONE date for 2 hours, and is now going to visit him in a different continent for 2 weeks. She thinks its a great idea, and shes an adult so...

andthatsaswan · 08/05/2024 13:08

YABU, she’s 22, the age gap is fine (only on Mumsnet would it be an issue I think).
Who cares if they have sex (two dates in there is a decent chance they already have or will soon enough).
We got tickets to the French Open women’s final last year through a coaching company who got an allocation of tickets, it was £550 each so while expensive not ridiculous if you’re a single working professional in London, potentially working in a lucrative field.

KreedKafer · 08/05/2024 13:12
  1. She is 22.
  2. She’s probably already shagged him.
  3. What harm do you think this man could do to her in a hotel in Paris that he wouldn’t be able to do to her in a hotel in the UK?
  4. She has another month of dating him ahead of him before the Paris trip. Plenty of opportunities to change her mind.
  5. He’s 32, not some kind of middle-aged sugar daddy. A 10-year age gap would be a big deal if she was 16, but she’s not, she’s a grown woman.
  6. What does it matter whether she’s hugely into tennis or not? It’s a massive international sporting spectacle, in Paris, with a hot new boyfriend. What’s not to like?
  7. Once again, in case you’ve forgotten: SHE IS TWENTY-TWO. You are talking about her in a really patronising, infantilising way. Just let her live her life and stop fretting over an adult doing a perfectly normal adult thing.
FrenchandSaunders · 08/05/2024 13:14

As the mother of two DDs in their early 20s, this would also worry me. However I’d be concerned that they wouldn’t share anything with me if I voiced my concerns too much or got too involved so a little chat about trusting her instincts etc then wish her well.

Also … as a 56 year old woman I wish I had done a lot more of this when I was young and gorgeous.

CactusMactus · 08/05/2024 13:14

Ask her to bring you back some macaroons.... Parisian macaroons are to die for.

retinolalcohol · 08/05/2024 13:15

How is spending time in Paris (it's not as if they're going to the Amazon!) any more dangerous/concerning than her going to stay over at his place? She'd still be alone with him either way.

In early dating none of us know one another - any one of our current partners could've been psychopaths at the start. That's the (very small) risk you take.

She's not a little girl at 22. She can make her own decisions and it's not really for you to question them. I'd have been furious with my mum had she made me out to foolish/clueless by questioning me - because I was neither of those things!

Anonymous2025 · 08/05/2024 13:15

I’m sure they will meet again before they go ? Trust your daughter a bit more . You don’t know this guy either . What does he do ? Etc

Starsandflowers · 08/05/2024 13:21

She's 22!! I think you are being massively invasive.
She's told you where she's going and will doubtless be in contact with you throughout. She will be fine. And on the small chance she isn't you would quickly know about it and alert authorities because you know where she is and who she is with etc...
She's hardly disappearing off the face of the earth!
At 22 she should be able to make her own decisions really
What is the difference between going to this man's house and going to Paris? Its Paris not Guatemala.

Original poster
Wholivesinanapple · 08/05/2024 13:21

Anonymous2025 · 08/05/2024 13:15

I’m sure they will meet again before they go ? Trust your daughter a bit more . You don’t know this guy either . What does he do ? Etc

I asked her what does he do and she said “oh he’s head of fund research” now I have no idea what that really means and neither does she!! She barely knows him but thinks going away with a guy she doesn’t know in a country where she doesn’t speak the language etc.

OP posts:
retinolalcohol · 08/05/2024 13:21

Bin85 · 08/05/2024 13:00

Hope she has good contraception is your biggest concern.

Eh??

It's not OP's business to be sticking her nose into her adult daughter's sex life either.

If the daughter wanted to go to Paris, not take the pill, and get pregnant with this man's child it would not be any of the OP's business - bad idea, sure, but not for the OP to comment on. The daughter is an adult.

I had a boyfriend at 22 and wasn't on any contraception. I had issues for years with the hormones so came off them. My mum knew this but because I was 22 and not 16, she said nothing - it was my choice to take precautions... or not!

penjil · 08/05/2024 13:21

She's 22, not 12!!

Starlight1979 · 08/05/2024 13:24

KreedKafer · 08/05/2024 13:12

  1. She is 22.
  2. She’s probably already shagged him.
  3. What harm do you think this man could do to her in a hotel in Paris that he wouldn’t be able to do to her in a hotel in the UK?
  4. She has another month of dating him ahead of him before the Paris trip. Plenty of opportunities to change her mind.
  5. He’s 32, not some kind of middle-aged sugar daddy. A 10-year age gap would be a big deal if she was 16, but she’s not, she’s a grown woman.
  6. What does it matter whether she’s hugely into tennis or not? It’s a massive international sporting spectacle, in Paris, with a hot new boyfriend. What’s not to like?
  7. Once again, in case you’ve forgotten: SHE IS TWENTY-TWO. You are talking about her in a really patronising, infantilising way. Just let her live her life and stop fretting over an adult doing a perfectly normal adult thing.

All of this. Especially point 2 😂

KreedKafer · 08/05/2024 13:24

SeriaMau · 08/05/2024 12:52

He is arranging this in the expectation of sex in the hotel room that he will book. If you are both fine with this then it’s all OK. If not, then DD should bail earlier rather than later.

I think most 22-year-old women at uni would be absolutely delighted by the prospect of three nights of shagging with a hot man in Paris. I doubt she’s intent on saving herself for marriage. Of course she knows that’s what they’ll be doing. That’s probably the main reason she’s going.

retinolalcohol · 08/05/2024 13:27

OP, virtually everyone in Paris speaks English.

My partner speaks both English and French, and actually finds it difficult to actually manage to find a French person that speaks to him in French - they detect that he's English (from the accent, hesitation, or the fact he looks like a tourist?) and then default to English.

She's not going somewhere where she won't be able to communicate with the locals by any stretch

loropianalover · 08/05/2024 13:29

Wholivesinanapple · 08/05/2024 13:21

I asked her what does he do and she said “oh he’s head of fund research” now I have no idea what that really means and neither does she!! She barely knows him but thinks going away with a guy she doesn’t know in a country where she doesn’t speak the language etc.

Show quote history

Oh come on it’s a few days in Paris!!! I bet she’ll have a great time, and if she doesn’t she can come home, block him, and have a wild story to tell.

When I was on my study abroad year I met a boy on a night out and we flew to Italy together the next day, just because we could! We stayed in Rome for 3 nights and I had an amazing time.

Disturbia81 · 08/05/2024 13:31

When there's an equal amount of 32 year old women with 22 year old men, then the disgust will be less.