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Original poster

Suspect husband is lying about money

178 replies

WhyNotBeHonest · 07/05/2024 23:00

Sorry it's long.

When we first met husband said he wasn't great with money/budgeting so I have always managed the monthly bills and household costs and he transfers me an agreed amount on payday. Often offered to go through it with him but he's fine with me doing it (as am I as always been very money conscious)

When we first met he took out a doorstep loan which when he mentioned it to me we paid off from savings and he repaid me directly to save the huge fees/interest.

Some time ago (18 months ?) I noticed he was using a different bank card and he said he'd been offered a credit card at a good rate so was building up his rating by using that for everyday spends and paying it off weekly/monthly and I was really proud of him.

Then end of last year he got a letter which looked very formal and I found it in the bin asking for payment by a certain date. I asked him what it was really about and after a long discussion and arguing he admitted he'd overspent and borrowed some money and had cancelled his repayments too soon and missed t he last one but was all sorted now. Took it as face value and left it there although was worried

Cut to today.
Formal "to be opened by addressee only" letter arrives to him and I am concerned what it is for.
Last time something like this arrived he said it was a pre-approval offer and binned it but today I googled the post code and it came up with a debt collection agency.

My worst nightmare. After everything we talked about before.

Asked him when he got in what the letter was and he said a credit card offer from virgin.

Feel stupid asking but could it be?
I don't want him to say I don't trust him again but in this instance I actually don't.

When this came up last year he accused me of not trusting him and I said I do in terms of being faithful, I never doubt that, but when it came to money I do have doubts, as has proven to be the case

Where do I go from here without confrontating him and admitted that I googled and "checked up on him" but it's not like I wasn't right in my suspicions.

Back last year I told him he HAS TO be honest with me, no matter the issue.... And now this

For info we rent and have no kids

OP posts:
Jojobees · 07/05/2024 23:05

I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation but yes he’s lying. He’s got debts you don’t know about.

VeraForever · 07/05/2024 23:09

He's lying to you.

Original poster
WhyNotBeHonest · 07/05/2024 23:13

How do I get him to be honest with me? We had a massive argument last time to the point we spent days apart and when he came home I explicitly said how much it upsets me and how he has to be honest and I'm just gutted that I'm in this position.

He told me before he didn't tell me because he wanted to show he could get himself out of a situation on his own without me "bailing him out" which I understand the sentiment behind but was still suspicious it was because I called him out, but after that was explicit that it CANNOT HAPPEN AGAIN and now I suspect he never did pay off the last payment or even several, and now it's out of hand he doesn't want to tell me because he told me before it was all sorted

At the time I thought I was being so harsh but now just feel that's made him hide more

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyNotBeHonest · 07/05/2024 23:15

I feel like an absolute twat reading the replies as I know I'd be telling people the same if I read it, but now it's me I just feel bad for checking up on him (even though it proved me right which I wish it didn't) and just wish it had never happened as how do we get over this

OP posts:
user1471284740 · 07/05/2024 23:15

I’ve been in this situation. The only way to find out the truth is to open his mail.

Original poster
WhyNotBeHonest · 07/05/2024 23:19

user1471284740 · 07/05/2024 23:15

I’ve been in this situation. The only way to find out the truth is to open his mail.

But surely after telling him to be honest that's a complete betrayal of said trust and hypocritical (although was tempted to do so today but instead looked up the postcode hoping it would be innocent)

OP posts:
Sisiwawa · 07/05/2024 23:22

Ask him to show you the latest letter, if he has something to hide you'll know either way by his response.
Sorry, but this seems to be who he is. He will keep doing this. It's not even about the money necessarily, but the lies, it breaks all trust. You'll keep having your suspicions going forward, watching little things he says/ does, he'll try to cover it up even more and it just spirals downwards, there's no partnership left.
Speaking from experience.

susiemamma · 07/05/2024 23:25

If it was from Virgin you would have seen that when you googled it.

Original poster
WhyNotBeHonest · 07/05/2024 23:26

Sisiwawa · 07/05/2024 23:22

Ask him to show you the latest letter, if he has something to hide you'll know either way by his response.
Sorry, but this seems to be who he is. He will keep doing this. It's not even about the money necessarily, but the lies, it breaks all trust. You'll keep having your suspicions going forward, watching little things he says/ does, he'll try to cover it up even more and it just spirals downwards, there's no partnership left.
Speaking from experience.

He'll have binned it/hidden it as I found the last one he got emptying the bin when part of it was stuck to the bin

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyNotBeHonest · 07/05/2024 23:27

susiemamma · 07/05/2024 23:25

If it was from Virgin you would have seen that when you googled it.

I know.
But obviously I didn't tell him I googled it. I hoped by asking him he would be honest. And now I don't know how to get him to admit what it really was

OP posts:
CountryMumof4 · 07/05/2024 23:28

My cousin's husband is exactly the same with money. This hasn't changed 17 years into their marriage. For her own security when buying a house, she bought it simply in her name to avoid him borrowing against it. She has bailed him out so many times and has just had enough. He even burned through 60k of inheritance in a single year. How she stays with him is beyond me - maybe she feels he'd probs be entitled to half their assets if they did spilt. It's an awful situation to be in.

laclochette · 07/05/2024 23:29

Him saying "you don't trust me" as if it's some kind of failing on your part is preposterous. Trust has to be earned and he has not shown himself worthy of that trust. When it is lost it must be earned back, it can't simply come back. He needs to be MORE honest, more transparent, share more, than he would usually, in order to win your trust back. The fact that he has been secretive again and appears to be being secretive now is a bad sign. The whole money situation is extremely worrying in itself, of course, but his attitude towards communication and trust is what is really troubling here.

I'm not advocating for any rash decisions but I think you need to spell out what you expect from him in terms of transparency and honesty, and the consequences of not getting that. That is, if you find he has lied to you, including by omission, around finances, then the relationship can have no future.

Spendysis · 07/05/2024 23:31

Ask him to show you the letter if he has nothing to hide he would show you. Also I find credit card offer letters using have the name on the envelope and look like marketing junk mail from what you describe this looks more formal

AmandaHoldensLips · 07/05/2024 23:34

Is he there now?
Even if he's asleep, I'd be waking him up and saying I want to see it right now.

theonlygirl · 07/05/2024 23:35

But hasn't he betrayed your trust by potentially getting himself into financial difficulties again? There will be more letters. Open the next one, if you can't get your hands on this one.

laclochette · 07/05/2024 23:35

I meant to add...

You might need to ask for a monthly money check in (I think these are good for couples anyway!).

You'll sit down together, go through the last month's budget (shared and individual), see how you tracked against it, look to the month ahead, and take stock of any debts and repayments, looming issues etc (so they can be nipped in the bud).

My partner isn't good with money and he understandably has a lot of shame attached to that. But he agreed to do this and we have spreadsheets we take each other through now. It's an avowed judgement-free zone, and we focus on solutions.

This sort of thing could perhaps give you a forum where he has the opportunity to be honest, outside of the heated and complicated world of mystery post.

2catsandhappy · 08/05/2024 05:04

Can you do an Experian check or ClearScore?

DilemmaDelilah · 08/05/2024 06:20

I was in a similar position to you. I knew my DH was bad with money before we married, so I married him only on the condition that I dealt with all the finances. I discovered he had a credit card which he was using to take out cash to go to the pub. I gave him another chance, he did the same. I had to get rid of him. It was a total lack of respect from him that meant I could no longer trust him and it put me at risk financially, which I was not willing to accept.

Is this something you are willing to accept? I was working hard and struggling to pay the rent, he was in and out of low paid jobs, taking cash out to go to the pub, without having any way to pay off his credit card debt. I was even buying my own birthday and Christmas presents as well as paying for the presents for his family and paying for everything else.

I'm not going to tell you to LTB, for a start only you know whether there are other parts of your life that make staying with him worthwhile, and perhaps you can afford to subsidise his spending. Don't LTB anyway... If you decide you can't live with him any more pack his bags and tell him where to go. If you decide it's worth having him around you are going to have to realise that this is the way it's going to be - he's not going to suddenly change into another (better) man.

ThinWomansBrain · 08/05/2024 06:33

run a credit check on him?

HomeTheatreSystem · 08/05/2024 06:44

I think him telling you at the outset that he wasn't good with money was a statement of fact and as you've seen, it still holds true despite your efforts to support him/ show him a better way to manage his finances.

You would be doing yourself a huge favour if you accepted that this is who he is and asked yourself whether you can continue living like this.

Nottherealslimshady · 08/05/2024 06:50

Virgin letters have virgin written all over the envelope. He's lying and not even well.

Do a clearscore report for him. You're "helping" him with his credit score, doesn't he trust you that you weren't spying on him? It shows all debts and credit cards and ccjs you have.

Tontostitis · 08/05/2024 06:50

My now husband was dreadful with money. When we got together my first year was just firefighting multiple loans and sorting stuff out (putting it on my mortgage) only for him to buy a £5k car on a credit card. I lost it and told him I was done.

After much discussion (and tears) we agreed one credit card with a low limit only, he would never take out another loan I would be in charge of money and I would open all mail (he was just piling it up).

Hes never broken the mail, loans and credit card rules. Money stuff rumbled for a while but 15 years on its fine. He still overspends but its manageable. We are now very comfortable financially both retired early and he never has to worry. In fact he now sorts a lot of bill stuff out. Its been a very difficult journey but we've made it so don't give up.

The difference with us is he knew he needed help and is a good earner so we could get out of the huge hole he kept digging.

MiniCooperLover · 08/05/2024 06:52

Can you do a credit score check on him?

FlameTulip · 08/05/2024 07:07

Of course you don't trust him. That's because he keeps lying to you! He needs to show you the letter.

Foggymcfogson · 08/05/2024 07:10

Ltb. Before a bailiff is taking your stuff...