Suspect husband is lying about money

[WhyNotBeHonest]

Sorry it's long.

When we first met husband said he wasn't great with money/budgeting so I have always managed the monthly bills and household costs and he transfers me an agreed amount on payday. Often offered to go through it with him but he's fine with me doing it (as am I as always been very money conscious)

When we first met he took out a doorstep loan which when he mentioned it to me we paid off from savings and he repaid me directly to save the huge fees/interest.

Some time ago (18 months ?) I noticed he was using a different bank card and he said he'd been offered a credit card at a good rate so was building up his rating by using that for everyday spends and paying it off weekly/monthly and I was really proud of him.

Then end of last year he got a letter which looked very formal and I found it in the bin asking for payment by a certain date. I asked him what it was really about and after a long discussion and arguing he admitted he'd overspent and borrowed some money and had cancelled his repayments too soon and missed t he last one but was all sorted now. Took it as face value and left it there although was worried

Cut to today.
Formal "to be opened by addressee only" letter arrives to him and I am concerned what it is for.
Last time something like this arrived he said it was a pre-approval offer and binned it but today I googled the post code and it came up with a debt collection agency.

My worst nightmare. After everything we talked about before.

Asked him when he got in what the letter was and he said a credit card offer from virgin.

Feel stupid asking but could it be?
I don't want him to say I don't trust him again but in this instance I actually don't.

When this came up last year he accused me of not trusting him and I said I do in terms of being faithful, I never doubt that, but when it came to money I do have doubts, as has proven to be the case

Where do I go from here without confrontating him and admitted that I googled and "checked up on him" but it's not like I wasn't right in my suspicions.

Back last year I told him he HAS TO be honest with me, no matter the issue.... And now this

For info we rent and have no kids

@laclochette

"I'm not advocating for any rash decisions but I think you need to spell out what you expect from him in terms of transparency and honesty, and the consequences of not getting that. That is, if you find he has lied to you, including by omission, around finances, then the relationship can have no future."

This was the conversation we had at the end of last year, which is why I feel sick to my stomach now

You must ask to see the letter. Tell him you saw the envelope yesterday and you want to see it. Why have you not done this already?

Thank you all for the replies, reading through them before work

^^ This. Ask what he’s done with the letter and pull it out of the bin/filling/pile of junk mail. If he says you need to trust me, tell him no, not after the previous lies.

You don’t know what to do because you think you have to pretend you trust him. But you don’t and for good reason. So stop pretending and be up front.

You need to see the letter or a credit check. Don’t be put off because, especially since you’re married, his secret debt can utterly screw you.

This.

You need to know about all of his debts.

Do you know is national insurance number? Could you check his credit score. It would raise any debts wouldn't it? You could then say 'i know you have x debt with x firm' it doesn't matter how you got the information if he has been lying to you.

You need to run an experian check your financially linked if your married

Yes he will say you don’t trust him and you went behind his back. And you could say the same about him. He’s ashamed which is why he is lying. He knew he would do this which is why he asked you to help but he obviously has a bigger problem than he let on.
what is he spending it on?

I’m really sorry, it’s just miserable isn’t it? Fundamentally he can’t be trusted and if he’s lying about money it has a huge effect on you as well. You’re having to do all the adulting around money, which gets really boring. His credit score will affect your ability to get a mortgage and a tenancy.

I know it’s easy just to say “LTB” but please think carefully about your future security.

The easy answer from a technical perspective is to insist he run a credit check in front of you. And let him know at the outset you want him to repeat it in 2 months' time (because any new debt or recent deliquency might not show up yet).

I say it's easy it's from a technical perspective because I know in reality he's lying and will put up all sorts of excuses and fights not to do so.

I think unfortunately he has taken out another card.
What is he spending this money on? You haven't mentioned all the other times what the money has been spent on. Since you haven't noticed lots of new stuff coming into the house I'm wondering if there is an underlying addiction? Or at least some kind of spending compulsion.
He probably needs some form of professional help, but while he is denying it unfortunately you might not get very far.

I'm going to assume his credit rating is terrible so it's likely any card in his name has a very high percentage rate.
I would be tempted to sign upto experian and clearscore in your own name to ensure he hasn't taken out any credit against you that you don't know about.

You haven't said what the relationship is like otherwise? This clearly needs alot of work to fix this underlying issue for him personally and then trust as a couple.
If he won't engage with admitting to it then you won't get anywhere and this pattern will follow forever.
If he will engage with it then there is alot of work ahead. Do you want to commit to that?

He's lying. A credit card pre approval letter is essentially marketing matetial and will have Virgin logos all over the envelope.

Also those sort of unsolicited "pre approved" consumer credit letters sent to non customers is pretty much a thing of the past as it is seen as irresponsible. Finally not meaning to be a dick but if he is at the level of taking out doorstep loans (which are pretty much sub prime credit) I don't think he is really Virign Money customer material.

I guess ultimately I haven't confronted him as am in denial and don't actually want this to be real.
I'm not stupid, I realise burying my head in the sand won't make it go away but there is an element of whilst not seeing the letter or actual amount owed I can convince myself it's maybe not that bad
😔

You can do Experian and Clearscore reports today without his knowledge if you know his details OP.

Don't do this. Just leave if this is the only other option.

I'd open the letter 'by mistake'. He'll be angry but its not you with the problem is it and you have to protect yourself.

You shouldn't have to force a grown man to do things as if he were a little boy but force him to call whatever collection agency it is and set up a plan. Although, it might be good if he does get a CCJ It'll teach him that he is not cut out to manage credit And ofcourse you will not lend him anything.

First things first, ensure there is nothing in your name and separate your finances from his as much as you can. If you have a joint mortgage, see if you can put it in your name so he has nothing to borrow against.

She needs to know because of the divorce she will be liable for his debts too

Family member is doing this. Sticking their head in the sand and pretending everything is fine when in all honesty, the shit hasn't even started to hit the fan yet. It's just a ticking time bomb. Yes it's a bloody hard conversation to have but for your future self, you need to have it out with him.

OP consider the following and decide if you really want this person in your life:

• doing stuff in secret (obtaining credit that you don't know about)
• lying to you about his level of debt/obtaining credit
• accusing you of not trusting him when he is likely to be repeating the exercise from last year (gaslighting)
• the fact that he thinks you must be stupid (he's thinking you won't find out about this latest credit application)
• minimising your feelings over the whole issue
• spending money on things that you don't know about (gambling/drinking/prostitutes)

I'm hoping that this can be how it turns out for us too, although that said I thought we had got past it until recently. The doorstep loan was 15 years ago

It's not quite that simple. I can't afford to rent by myself for a start.

So I found the letter in the recycling. He tore it up without opening and after piecing it together like some bloody TV detective it was from virgin, but that they have sold his debt on.
It's a credit card he took out in 2022, has £1600 still owing and reads like he has taken out an IVA. FFS

Not true. You're only linked if you have any joint accounts including mortgages and current accounts.

When we talked last time he said just general things like clothes, nights out, ecigs, takeaways etc as had been earning less at the time.
Just wish he'd told me he was short of money at the time instead of borrowing money for what feels like me too be for the sake of a few treats we could have managed without

Do you have any financial links to him? Any joint accounts? You need to check you're on clearscore. What a dick. I'd get rid of him just for the lying.

I'm so sorry, OP. To be honest, you probably don't know the full picture and possibly never will. As others have said, this is who he is. You can argue all day and he will lie and make promises, but it is unlikely that things will change.

You say you can't afford rent alone, perhaps downsize? I am saying that if you can't live like this any longer, you will have to leave him. I put up with this shit for years too, and believe me it was a relief to get away from him and the whole business.