Suspect husband is lying about money

[WhyNotBeHonest]

Sorry it's long.

When we first met husband said he wasn't great with money/budgeting so I have always managed the monthly bills and household costs and he transfers me an agreed amount on payday. Often offered to go through it with him but he's fine with me doing it (as am I as always been very money conscious)

When we first met he took out a doorstep loan which when he mentioned it to me we paid off from savings and he repaid me directly to save the huge fees/interest.

Some time ago (18 months ?) I noticed he was using a different bank card and he said he'd been offered a credit card at a good rate so was building up his rating by using that for everyday spends and paying it off weekly/monthly and I was really proud of him.

Then end of last year he got a letter which looked very formal and I found it in the bin asking for payment by a certain date. I asked him what it was really about and after a long discussion and arguing he admitted he'd overspent and borrowed some money and had cancelled his repayments too soon and missed t he last one but was all sorted now. Took it as face value and left it there although was worried

Cut to today.
Formal "to be opened by addressee only" letter arrives to him and I am concerned what it is for.
Last time something like this arrived he said it was a pre-approval offer and binned it but today I googled the post code and it came up with a debt collection agency.

My worst nightmare. After everything we talked about before.

Asked him when he got in what the letter was and he said a credit card offer from virgin.

Feel stupid asking but could it be?
I don't want him to say I don't trust him again but in this instance I actually don't.

When this came up last year he accused me of not trusting him and I said I do in terms of being faithful, I never doubt that, but when it came to money I do have doubts, as has proven to be the case

Where do I go from here without confrontating him and admitted that I googled and "checked up on him" but it's not like I wasn't right in my suspicions.

Back last year I told him he HAS TO be honest with me, no matter the issue.... And now this

For info we rent and have no kids

An IVA isn't an easy way out I'm afraid. Some considerations:

• Creditors don't have to agree to an IVA proposal so it's not guaranteed

• It affects your credit file for six years.

• His information will be held on the public insolvency register which means he'll be barred from a number of things eg starting his own business

• Ironically, IVAs are expensive

• No further credit will be able to be obtained during his IVA term. So what happens if he continues to spend recklessly? Will he borrow from friends and fmaily? From you? From a loan shark?

• If the IVA fails, it may result in bankruptcy.

• If he earns any additional income then a percentage of this may need to be paid into the IVA.
• He won't be able to get a mortgage so this will fall on your own shoulders. And if he ends up bankrupt, or continues to pile up debt, might you come under pressure with paying the mortgage?

An IVA isn't something to be entered into lightly.

You can get your own credit rating for free pretty easily online, I can see this through my bank account app and also the free Experian option. If you pay a small fee for a full credit report it will list your financial associations so you can double check if he’s listed there.

Just FYI in case this is helpful to you or anyone else you can write to each of the 4(?) big rating agencies in the UK and formally request a disassociation / them to be removed if you are no longer linked to them. I had to do this when I split up with my Ex and did it bloody quickly as he was also a nightmare with money.

He already has an IVA.

Doesn't it depend if he's with step change or one of the awful companies?

I have a non blood relative who is awful with money. His elderly mother is bailing him out again and if makes me feel sick that he's on his nth IVA and will never learn.

You can look up IVA details by the way.

He took the time to arrange an IVA, and you didn't know? Goodness, that is bad.

You rent. He won't be able to get a mortgage, until his IVA ends. IVA's are very serious.

A friend once told me it’s quite simple to run an Experian report on someone if you know the right answers to the basic questions. It’s free apparently and provides all the details of any credit in their name.

I was just going to write the same!

Op, run a credit check on him using Experian.

Check both your credit ratings, you can excuse it as being part of prepping to move a family credit card or something, but if he’s made a hash of something it should show

Ok, so update and answering questions people had.

I already have Experian, upgraded to paid account and no associations

I accept an IVA isn't an easy option but he has one, we're not looking to start a business or get a mortgage any time soon if ever

Re the discussion, he has, and I believe him, been completely honest about how it came from gambling and was some time ago. We had a long conversation and he told me he took out credit cards to try to cover daily expenses which he maxed out.
Then got a loan and cleared off credit cards.
Didn't close his cc and gradually gambled more and got cc maxed out again.

Realised he had a problem and barred himself from gambling sites and took the IVA to clear off what he owed in a manageable way as he owed a huge amount.

So the situation is this. I've told him I appreciate he was (finally) honest with me but that just because I didn't shout and scream I am not happy it came to this and if it ever did again that we would not be having reasonable conversations or probably even together.

I love him and understand his compulsive nature as I suffer with it too, and I know some stems from trauma in his younger years/spending to "buy" friendships.
so we are moving forward on the basis he is 100% transparent with me going forward.

We are monitoring credit scores and he knows he can have no credit whilst IVA in force.
He has barred himself from gambling sites, is seeking help on that front and agreed to be transparent with me on all matters money related.

He knows there is no second chance and that whilst I am here to support and help him all I can, that I will not be bailing him out and if this happens again to any extent we will be over

Wow. Wish you well op.

Thank you.
I have made it clear it is one step at a time, and I will likely continue to ask questions of him and expect complete honestly however frequent it may come up, but today is the first step

If Virgin has sold his debt on he's in serious debt, and the company who have bought the debt will be knocking on your door very soon. Before that they will be calling him multiple times per day. I know this because I was shit with money up until about 15 years ago., and I also hid the extent of my debt, and didn't have much to show for it.

Something changed for me and I managed to turn it around quickly, but part of that was being completely honest with myself and my husband about my debt, and about how terrible I was with money. Until that happens this will happen with you DH time and time again.

That’s so hard OP.

So this is the first time he’s mentioned he has a problem with gambling? And previously he lied to you about what he was spending money on but has now admitted it? And though he’s admitted it to you it’s only because he was backed into a corner after you found out he was definitely ignoring demands for debt he’d taken on?

People do manage to stay together in these circumstances but it’s very hard because gamblers tend to stick their head in the sand and lie to themselves as much as anyone around them about what’s going on. You’re currently in a situation where, even though he’s (said he has) banned himself from gambling sites and tried to sort out his debt with an IVA, he was still deceiving you and was not actually paying the debt. He did not come clean to you off his own bat. He lied to you, telling you he’d had a credit card offer, when he had the opportunity to come clean and has only admitted it when you’ve had proof he can’t avoid. And he had thrown away the demand without opening it - so had no intention of fixing the debt he’d got himself, he was going to ignore it and let it spiral instead of dealing with it. Which is typical addict behaviour.

Have you done a credit check and gone through is bank account and any other statements to see if his spending matches up to the story he’s telling you? Because unless you have evidence that confirms what he’s told you, unfortunately you can’t trust what he’s said. It’s a terrible realisation in a marriage - to know that you cannot trust your spouse even when you’ve had a deeply moving/tearful exchange that feels like a brutal bearing of souls - but that’s the way it is with and addict.

If you can, you both need to get counseling. Him for his addiction and you to work out how to live with an addict.

The gambling is not a surprise really. The amount and secrecy you described is usually an addiction and gambling is a very secret addiction until it isn't. If he seriously doesn't address this you will be in the same situation in 5 years time. Does what he says add up. When does he say he stopped. I would check everything you have been told and question everything until you know its actually factually true. If this got bad enough for sub prime loans 15 years ago and voluntary right down of debts 15 years later then it's not a legacy issue. He has been in active addiction recently of is still in it. At the very least you need to protect yourself by ensuring he has no access to your money what so ever or can take out joint credit or even forged credit.
Gambling addiction is progressive and recovery rates low. Plenty of threads on here detailing where it can go.
Good luck.

How much is the total debt?

It's not so much that virgin sold it on, he had debts with virgin and has entered an IVA so now the debt has passed to the IVA company who are managing it.

I do believe he has been honest and transparent with me, and I guess only time will tell, but for now I am happy to give it this one chance

We both like to gamble, always have and both assumed each other could keep a handle on it.

In the past I gambled stupid amounts but not to get me into debt, just wasted all disposable income

Yes he hid it and yes he lied to me because he was ashamed of his behaviour.
I know this is wrong and I have made that clear to him it will not be tolerated if it was to happen again

It's a massive deal, I'm not going to lie, but in other aspects our marriage is great so I am prepared to try to get through this.

I haven't gone through his bank statement but I do trust this is what happened and the timings add up.
He has offered to show me his banking going forward and the agreements he has with the IVA company and we will be regularly reviewing his spending.

The IVA is £100 a month to be reviewed annually based on income and he has to share bank statements with them to show he isn't gambling/where he spends his money. He will pay it for 5 years.

He is awaiting trauma therapy on NHS for other issues and has said he will bring this up then too

Well he has already tested you and you've let him back in over and over. He won't change. Why should he? No consequence for him. You'll cry for a few days and he will pretned to be sorry and then youll be the bigger person using a calm voice so he feels safe and play mommy sorting it out, probably by making cutbacks to your own life, both now and for years when you can't buy a house. I just want to shake you because you deserve to he happy either alone or with a proper adult! Please just leave while you're free. You're not married or financially committed. There is nothing to work on. This one isn't a keeper.

ETA CROSS POSTED. Married or not, it's not worth it.

The loan 15 years ago was a separate issue. There was nothing more until recently
The gambling began to become an issue about 2 years ago.

What he has said does add up and he is seriously addressing it now so I do believe it can be worked through, however I have made it clear I will not be walked all over.

We have never had a joint account, and I have made it known if he was to take out ANY further credit without consulting me then that is a deal-breaker (I don't believe he can get credit whilst in an IVA but regardless)

I appreciate recovery is hard. I have self excluded myself from online gambling after struggling myself but have told him I am here to support him all the while he is honest and transparent with me, and that I will be checking on and asking questions about where his money is going going forward

I have forgiven this once before today.

It is unacceptable and Ive drawn that line for him/us/myself and this is the last chance

I appreciate it isn't everyone's choice to stay together after something like this

We have been married 15 years and aside from this have been very happy so I am willing to give it ONE try to make it work and any excuses/relapses/further lies and that is it

My now deceased husband did this all our married life. We came within inches of losing our home on numerous occasions. I put the mortgage in my name and he just kept on getting credit from anywhere he could.
On his death, he had about 20k of unsecured debts and not enough money to pay for his funeral. His father died two weeks after him and I also had to pay for his funeral as we were next of kin and not on any benefits.
In my case any love I had for my husband ebbed away as I simply couldn't believe a word he said.

Just want to thank each and every one of you for your advice and opinions.

I appreciate not everyone will agree with my decision to work on things going forward but please respect that that is the choice I have made

I will not tolerate any billshit going forward but I am also not about to immediately "LTB" right now

This.

Total was around £15k

IVA is £100/month for 5 years revised annually based on income/expenditure

I did that and have updated following the conversation had tonight