Suspect husband is lying about money

[WhyNotBeHonest]

Sorry it's long.

When we first met husband said he wasn't great with money/budgeting so I have always managed the monthly bills and household costs and he transfers me an agreed amount on payday. Often offered to go through it with him but he's fine with me doing it (as am I as always been very money conscious)

When we first met he took out a doorstep loan which when he mentioned it to me we paid off from savings and he repaid me directly to save the huge fees/interest.

Some time ago (18 months ?) I noticed he was using a different bank card and he said he'd been offered a credit card at a good rate so was building up his rating by using that for everyday spends and paying it off weekly/monthly and I was really proud of him.

Then end of last year he got a letter which looked very formal and I found it in the bin asking for payment by a certain date. I asked him what it was really about and after a long discussion and arguing he admitted he'd overspent and borrowed some money and had cancelled his repayments too soon and missed t he last one but was all sorted now. Took it as face value and left it there although was worried

Cut to today.
Formal "to be opened by addressee only" letter arrives to him and I am concerned what it is for.
Last time something like this arrived he said it was a pre-approval offer and binned it but today I googled the post code and it came up with a debt collection agency.

My worst nightmare. After everything we talked about before.

Asked him when he got in what the letter was and he said a credit card offer from virgin.

Feel stupid asking but could it be?
I don't want him to say I don't trust him again but in this instance I actually don't.

When this came up last year he accused me of not trusting him and I said I do in terms of being faithful, I never doubt that, but when it came to money I do have doubts, as has proven to be the case

Where do I go from here without confrontating him and admitted that I googled and "checked up on him" but it's not like I wasn't right in my suspicions.

Back last year I told him he HAS TO be honest with me, no matter the issue.... And now this

For info we rent and have no kids

Yep, really fucking boring, but I do it so we can afford nice things (in moderation)

Aside from this, which I thought was in the past, the relationship is GREAT which is what makes facing this so bloody hard.

Even replying to these messages it doesn't feel real, like it's about someone else😓

The doorstep loan was 15 years ago

Ahh ok. But still it doesn't sound like a pre approved credit card from Virgin.

It's not as simple as "just leaving" though is it? And aside from anything else I'm not bloody going anywhere.

There are other options, and it's going to be a tough abs horrible conversation tonight

Don't open his mail or do sneaky investigations on him. The former is illegal and the latter is tragic. Why should you have to play private dick on someone who's meant to have your back?

Don't start asking for monthly check-ins and controlling his money like some women here have suggested. Why on earth should you take on that unpaid labour? You're not his mother, his bank manager or his credit specialist. You 'managing' his spending does not make for a healthy relationship. Ick.

He keeps getting in debt - fact.
You went out of your way to help him and he broke your trust - fact.
He's lying to you multiple times, straight to your face - fact.

it's only going to get worse and the road ahead will ruin YOUR financial stability as well as it - very likely will become a fact.

These are the facts and only you can decide what you are going to do with them. You're clearly a strong and capable person who can make it without him if you so choose. Not all men are like this.

Our money IS separate, we rent not own and have a shared account for bills although it's actually an old one of mine so only in my name, so at least there's that 🙍

Oh FFS. 😭
I know people are alluding to it, but the D word hit hard

At least that's a relief

No financial links
But it's easier said than done to "just leave".

Finally not meaning to be a dick but if he is at the level of taking out doorstep loans (which are pretty much sub prime credit)

The FCA doesn't allow D2C customer marketing like that anymore. 'Doorstep loans' aren't just 'sub prime credit' - they're below the basement, I'll-be-back-to-kneecap-you-if-you-don't-pay-up type of credit. Which is another thing OP should be seriously worried about.

To be honest, where we live, I couldn't afford anything on my own unless in a real shitty area and I don't want that.

guess it depends how it goes later.

Also just renewed property on a 2 year fixed term rental, so there's that too

I did mention up above this was when we first got together 15 years ago

No financial links
No kids
Just kick him out. Then if you are struggling to pay the rent find somewhere smaller. You are in quite a fortunate position especially where you've said you're good with money.

My point is, if he's done it once he'll do it again. FCA stopped doorstep marketing in 2008. If he's dipping his feet into the black market for loans then he's in a world of trouble...or soon will be.

I used to work for one of those debt consolidators that Virgin would've sold his loan onto. They're not pretty. The business model is buy the loan portfolio and recoup your money by squeezing it until the pips squeak. Increase the interest rates to hell, then pursue the customer to the ends of the earth.

You might be able to rent on your own if you get a room in a house share. Yes it's not nice but I had to do this in my late 30s to especape a shitty relationship (addicton not debt but the dynamics are similar). Better to start clean then keep running when you're up to your knees in mud.

Just my two cents.

You need to read the OP updates. The doorstep loan was 15 years ago.

You need to read my update just now :-)

If you can find a solicitor who can advise her to do that, then I'll retract my comment. I'm on OP's side here. He owes her complete transparency and she should kick him out if she doesn't get it. I just don't want her to make a mistake that'll put her on the back foot.

What a fucking idiot. He clearly doesn't understand the concept of money and how it works.

This is so stressful and upsetting for you. But unless he is prepared to mend his ways, you're on a hiding to nothing (and will end up with nothing but debt and misery).

The lying and sticking his head in the sand is ridiculously childish. If you don't have kids, keep it that way. You can never rely on a person like this.

I don’t understand why you would hitch your cart to this guy- he’s a liar, financially irresponsible and selfish.

Aren’t you exhausted by all the unnecessary stress he brings to your life?

Partners are supposed to make your life better, not worse.

It’s not even like he has anything to show for the money.

When someone shows you who they are- believe them.

You would be an idiot to stay.

Like you say, not going to be easy, but you do need to have that conversation, see what he says. If he's open and honest and is willing to work at it with you to sort and move on, then you obviously have to take time and consider if you trust him to do this. Otherwise, give yourself time to think about what you want long term. I guess any purchases for your home have been from joint account, if not, any large recent ones you've paid for try and find evidence in case bailiffs turn up

It's not hopeless though. OP has said they gave a great relationship so there is a basis for turning it round if he is willing to be completely transparent and come clean about everything.
No turning into an argument about trust. Of course he isn't trustworthy with money as demonstrated by his actions, so that's a given and shouldn't be used to to guilt OP. If he just focuses on this then he is deflecting and is not ready to sort this and OP then has other decisions to make.
But if he accepts trust is broken and it is because of his actions and is willing to be completely transparent and accept a tough action plan that he sticks to, then you can work through it. People do.

1. Everything on the table. Him throwing unopened letters in the bin shows denial which has to be addressed.
2. True source of over spending. Absolutely honesty if there are any addiction issues. If so, completely different ball game and you will need to rethink what you want to do.
3. If he has entered voluntary arrangements what they are and consequences,
4. Agreed plan to resolve the debts and full accountability for his expenditure to you during the process. Weekly income expenditure sit down.

None of it is romantic and is pretty boring tbh and it changes the dynamic of your relationship but I've seen it work and some couples come out stronger.
Of course, if you don't want to put in this effort then don't. Only you know if you think it's worth it, nobody else does. You owe him nothing at this stage.

Why?

Her credit score is linked to his so she needs this information even if she does leave him.

No their credit histories are not linked unless you share accounts. You are not linked by marriage or address - you are only linked by joint accounts I.e a mortgage or current accounts.

He's lying to you. And it's probably not just the official stuff if he was stupid enough to take out a doorstep loan.

I'm not one for ultimatum's but if he can't be honest with you and show you these letters then you have to I think give an ultimatum. Otherwise you'll be dragged into it.

Also - what is he spending it one? Day to day life or is he gambling?

What's your lifestyle that he needs the money Are you married, do you have kids?

It's like alcoholism, you can't do it for him, but also it affects you deeply.

Stepchange, CAB can all help.