Suspect husband is lying about money

[WhyNotBeHonest]

Sorry it's long.

When we first met husband said he wasn't great with money/budgeting so I have always managed the monthly bills and household costs and he transfers me an agreed amount on payday. Often offered to go through it with him but he's fine with me doing it (as am I as always been very money conscious)

When we first met he took out a doorstep loan which when he mentioned it to me we paid off from savings and he repaid me directly to save the huge fees/interest.

Some time ago (18 months ?) I noticed he was using a different bank card and he said he'd been offered a credit card at a good rate so was building up his rating by using that for everyday spends and paying it off weekly/monthly and I was really proud of him.

Then end of last year he got a letter which looked very formal and I found it in the bin asking for payment by a certain date. I asked him what it was really about and after a long discussion and arguing he admitted he'd overspent and borrowed some money and had cancelled his repayments too soon and missed t he last one but was all sorted now. Took it as face value and left it there although was worried

Cut to today.
Formal "to be opened by addressee only" letter arrives to him and I am concerned what it is for.
Last time something like this arrived he said it was a pre-approval offer and binned it but today I googled the post code and it came up with a debt collection agency.

My worst nightmare. After everything we talked about before.

Asked him when he got in what the letter was and he said a credit card offer from virgin.

Feel stupid asking but could it be?
I don't want him to say I don't trust him again but in this instance I actually don't.

When this came up last year he accused me of not trusting him and I said I do in terms of being faithful, I never doubt that, but when it came to money I do have doubts, as has proven to be the case

Where do I go from here without confrontating him and admitted that I googled and "checked up on him" but it's not like I wasn't right in my suspicions.

Back last year I told him he HAS TO be honest with me, no matter the issue.... And now this

For info we rent and have no kids

I'm afraid that he IS financially 'linked' to you, because you are married and because you share an address (and previous addresses) which are 'linked' to his debts, both current and previous. Also linked because you'll both be on the voting registry at the same address.

Therefore HIS 'credit rating' DOES affect yours, regardless of having separate bank accounts.

Have you actually checked both of your credit ratings yet? That's got to be done before you even raise the subject with him. You need to be in possession of all the financial facts.

You need to be able to actually SHOW him that YOU are fully aware of all of his outstanding 'credit', and are not going to be fobbed off by 'Don't you trust me' or 'You're invading my privacy' type arguments from him.

He needs to see that you mean business, because he's already fooled you once...

I would have opened the letter and often do, my DH would do the same, there cant be secrets where money is concerned.

And absolutely do a credit check on him and yourself if you havent done all ready in case theres is any debt thats in your name as well.

I didn’t find that was true at all. When I did an Experian check on myself I found several accounts belonging to my partner that I had never been involved with.
We aren’t married and have never had any sort of joint finance apart from our mortgage.

I have no idea how to challenge it or get it removed, but it’s there.

There are a couple of things in play here.

Morally, she has a right to the information. I don't dispute that for a second. He should provide it to her and she should be in a position to verify that he's providing a full picture.

As fair as financial ties go, if they don't have any joint financial products, then they're not linked currently. Of course a divorce court would look at debts and seek to apportion them, so you can consider that the are effectively linked. But it'll not directly affect OP's credit currently.

As I said, OP has a moral right to his full financial information. But I'd wait for a better legal mind than me to give OP the all clear to use his details to access his information online behind his back. That's a grey area at best, and one I couldn't in good faith advise OP to do in case it turns adversial.

The mortgage you refer to is a joint product linking you

I’d be running a credit check on myself and on him asap.

This is just not true.

See above

This is so frustrating to read. This man has shown you who he is time and time again - a conversation tonight isn’t going to change anything!

Either you stay with him knowing he will never change regardless of what he says, and take on the associated risks, or you leave him.

I don’t think you need to feel bad for not trusting him. He has clearly broken your trust.
Obtaining a credit card after he agreed not to is bad enough, especially as it appears to have been used for non essentials, but for me the worst part is the denial. He must have ignored or not properly dealt with this for a long while if it has got to the stage where the debt has been sold on. His credit record has almost certainly already taken a hit, but probably not enough to stop him getting more finance from less responsible lenders.
I don’t know how his debts affect you. If it got to the stage of divorce there must be some consideration of debts and assets. If you feel that you should not get a credit report for him you should certainly get one for yourself just to check that he has not been including your details without your knowledge.

Before you speak to him wait until he goes in the shower or whatever and go through his wallet and see what cards are in there.

Don't tell him though. Just so when he says I only have a virgin credit card or whatever you know he's lying.

I'd also look at the apps on his phone. Some banks are online only. If you don't know his password get him to show you.

If he starts any nonsense remind him that it's himself he should be angry at not you and that you're supposed to be a partnership with no secrets and it's HIM who is keeping things from YOU and your trust needs to be re-earned.

I imagine he feels ashamed and embarrassed. You need to have a conversation about this and if you want your relationship to continue can I suggest you try and get him to go to debters anonymous? He might try and tell you that it is for people with much more debt than him but it isn't.

He will be defensive as he will be embarrassed.

If you don't want to leave him I think best to approach it from a how can we sort this angle.

Feel for you OP

It's obvious from your posts that you think you can get past this as long as he admits everything, stops lying and promises to never do anything like it again

Prepare for a tough conversation later but know what your boundaries are and have some answers ready so you sound strong

"You don't trust me" "not with money, no. You have lied about it, done things you promised not to and given me good reason not to trust you in this way"

For me, he would have to apologise for lying and accept massively letting you down, do credit checks in front of you, give access to all accounts and allow you to open post. Contact someone who can help with the debt but you control the payments.

You do need to consider what you will do if he won't do what you need from him to move on...

In that case you've got a difficult decision to make
The answer to "how do I get him to tell the truth" is that you can't; a liar will always lie and all you can do is set out what the consequences will be if it happens again, then either follow through or accept that you've handed them licence to do it again if you don't

Hope all goes well tonight OP.

I think you really need to be upfront about the fa t that there is no way through this without 100% transparency. For me that would include reading his letters.

How do I get him to be honest with me?

You can't. You can't force someone to have integrity and transparency. The only thing you can do is be honest with yourself about this fact and face what it might mean for you going forwards.

He's lying.

You don't need to say you have checked up. Just ask him straightforwardly to show you the letter.

You are not financially compatible. It is one of the most common reasons for splitting up.

Sorry.

was explicit that it CANNOT HAPPEN AGAIN

It's a lot for you to take in board so I absolutely understand that you are even if just a tad, in denial.

Could you try reading your thread as if it were by a stranger. The argument that you are relying on someone who is prone to debt and lying about it to you in order to afford the lease on your current home would stand out.

So much misery on this thread and elsewhere on MN l from a lack of decent, affordable housing.

If he’s applied for an IVA then there must be a reasonable level of debt? This isn’t just a £1600 credit card.

From googling an IVA wipes 75-80% of a debt which gives a starting sum of £8k plus

Messaging him now to say we need to talk tonight so I can't deny it/put it off any longer

I don't think the numbers are as simple as that, but he has to be transparent with you.

I'll repeat my earlier point - settle for nothing less than him doing a credit report check in front of you this evening, and agreeing to repeat it in 2 months.

He threw the letter away unread rather than deal with the contents? That is not the action of a responsible adult. I'm afraid you are dealing with a coward as well as a liar.

I would sign up to Experian and ask him to do the same and show you. You can do it in a 'we are doing this now' way. That way you don't have to confess to the letter.

You should be able to share these things as a couple. Even for renting, you need an idea of credit rating. If he won't do it then it shows clearly he is lying to you (which you already know but he doesn't). Don't give him the upper hand of 'you shouldn't have looked '. Just ask for a normal adult conversation about finances and to check you aren't linked.

If he can't do that for you then I don't see how you move forward.