Suspect husband is lying about money

[WhyNotBeHonest]

Sorry it's long.

When we first met husband said he wasn't great with money/budgeting so I have always managed the monthly bills and household costs and he transfers me an agreed amount on payday. Often offered to go through it with him but he's fine with me doing it (as am I as always been very money conscious)

When we first met he took out a doorstep loan which when he mentioned it to me we paid off from savings and he repaid me directly to save the huge fees/interest.

Some time ago (18 months ?) I noticed he was using a different bank card and he said he'd been offered a credit card at a good rate so was building up his rating by using that for everyday spends and paying it off weekly/monthly and I was really proud of him.

Then end of last year he got a letter which looked very formal and I found it in the bin asking for payment by a certain date. I asked him what it was really about and after a long discussion and arguing he admitted he'd overspent and borrowed some money and had cancelled his repayments too soon and missed t he last one but was all sorted now. Took it as face value and left it there although was worried

Cut to today.
Formal "to be opened by addressee only" letter arrives to him and I am concerned what it is for.
Last time something like this arrived he said it was a pre-approval offer and binned it but today I googled the post code and it came up with a debt collection agency.

My worst nightmare. After everything we talked about before.

Asked him when he got in what the letter was and he said a credit card offer from virgin.

Feel stupid asking but could it be?
I don't want him to say I don't trust him again but in this instance I actually don't.

When this came up last year he accused me of not trusting him and I said I do in terms of being faithful, I never doubt that, but when it came to money I do have doubts, as has proven to be the case

Where do I go from here without confrontating him and admitted that I googled and "checked up on him" but it's not like I wasn't right in my suspicions.

Back last year I told him he HAS TO be honest with me, no matter the issue.... And now this

For info we rent and have no kids

Thank you however it is husband not boyfriend and credit checks no longer link soley on shared addresses - I have downloaded full checks for both of us and this is soley in his name (still shit, but financially doesn't affect me but have explained to him it's about more than a credit score)

He admitted it was gambling, has shared with me full details of the IVA company, repayments, debts and bank accounts.

I am not raising it with my landlady as i am not intending to move out and if I was I would simply give notice, I don't need to make excuses to leave

My credit score is currently 999 and I have credit already available

Whilst he is 100% needed to sort this out himself financially it has not impacted my score

I am not naive, I realise it still could but that's why I have access to all credit scores, accounts and IVA info going forward as the condition of us staying together

All fair enough points

He's agreed to go to GA meetings, he's also already awaiting referral for trauma therapy through the local mental health team

I have seen he has self excluded from gambling, I've seen the IVA and company managing it

He isn't perfect, none of us are but he doesn't get angry or storm out. after we talked last year he said he'd stay elsewhere to give us both time to think - there was no storming involved.

I wasn't scared to open his mail, I've never been scared of him, but I felt it was inappropriate to open his mail if I was challenging him regarding trust

Yes I have low self esteem but no I won't tolerate endless shit

I realise its probably another chance he shouldn't have but I can assure you it IS this last one

We have, thank you

Thank you
No joint purchases planned, all household expenses come out of an account in my name we both pay into to cover bills.
I have credit available to me should I need it and whilst his IVA would affect us if we applied to rent a new property, it doesn't impact my score "just" for living together, that changed some years back

Yes it does, I'd already looked it up online and he told me those exact details

Thanks

I appreciate some people have a joint account for everything but I know lots of people who don't too, who are also married, we all do things differently.

We've always had a "shared" account for bills then our own "pocket money" in our own account so when we get paid the first things to come out are all the bills.

We agreed this when we first moved in together as he said he's no good at budgeting so we said I'd calculate how much we both need to contribute and put it to one side

The only reason it is only in my name is I had an old account I didn't use when we got together.
I upgraded it so we get benefits on the account such as travel and gadget insurance and all the while we keep the existing account we both get these benefits , but if we converted to a joint account we'd have to take the new scheme which costs more per month and provides less benefit

I hope there were no nasty surprises on the credit report. I know I said to leave him if he wasn't transparent, but it sounds like he is being, so good luck OP. You can build stronger from this if he's in the right frame of mind.

I dont understand why you keep referring to him being honest with you, when he hasn't been? He's lied and lied and then finally fessed up once you've confronted him. Also whats the whole "he's barred himself" from gambling, surely that means he can unbar himself?

No, self-exclusion with gambling sites is irreversible for the period of time in question.

Ok he lied loads but yesterday has finally/eventualy/been cornered/forced/caught out to tell the whole truth which is backed up by statements emails and credit reports

Re gambling, if you set a ban via GamStop you cannot reverse it until the 5 years (Max they do) is up

Thank you.
Yes it's taken a lot to get here but I do now have the whole picture and as long as I continue to do so we will stay together.
Any other loans debts or secrets and it's over

My ex was a professional gambler, and the bans are incredibly easy to get round.

How is that?

Yes, and I think recall a bbc article/programme about people registered with gamstop being targeted for marketing by unregulated firms.

However, it seems as if OP's DH put himself on gamstop unprompted, so we have to assume he's genuine.

It would be worth however

a) maintaining ongoing monitoring of his banking - both his accounts and his credit reports. For your peace of mind. And

b) discussing with him the a plan to be open with you about any dodgy offers he receives from unregulated sites and how he plans to deal with that from an addiction pov.

Say you've been thinking about it and you realise that if it was from Virgin it would say so on the outside of the envelope. So you're pretty certain it wasn't from Virgin, and the fact that it said 'to be opened by addressee only' makes you think that it's from somewhere like a debt collection agency as you've heard that's how they address their envelopes. So you need him to come clean about who it's from and you will help him sort it out, however bad it is. Ask again to see the letter, if he says he's thrown it out you need to say that if he's not dealt with it then that is very dangerous for both of you. Wait for him to respond and then don't give up until he comes clean. If he doesn't, or just argues about your lack of trust then I think you have to seriously think of your future, sad to say. And I'd be doing what others have said and opening his mail. And I'd tell him I'd be doing that!

In fairness OP, you said “I appreciate recovery is hard. I have self excluded myself from online gambling after struggling myself .”

Struggling to stop gambling and needing to self-exclude is very different to a social, casual gambler. Most people just stop if they notice they’re spending a bit too much - unless they have an actual problem. You describe a “struggle” and needing to self-exclude which puts you in a minority of people, and very much a “gambler”.

I don’t see any comparison to Doris down the road who plays the lottery once a week.

The flip side of this is that you’ll have insight into the struggles that your DH has, and might be better placed to identify the triggers.

I’m not suggesting you LTB - but I think you need to be very clear-headed about what your future looks like. Realistically you’re going to have to keep checking up on him forever because he seems to have a pattern of resolving the issue, abstaining, then relapsing. Which is pretty common for gambling addictions. The minute you stop checking up on him, he’ll have the space to deceive - and he may not be able to help himself. With that in mind, you therefore need to be ok with the fact that this is a new way of life that’s here to stay.

To pick up on something a PP said - there are plenty of ways to get around the GAMSTOP self-exclusion. He could play tomorrow if he chose to. And that’s the risk. And it’s why you can never stop checking up on him, even if he ends up permanently self-excluding with GAMSTOP. **

It’s not a popular view but if my relationship was good in other ways, I’d probably be trying to find a way to work this out too. It’s probably not the smart option or the easy option, and you’ll both have to accept that you need to oversee his finances for life to be able to work this out. That’s a lot to ask of you both - it’s very tough.

Best of luck.

**(My job involves online casinos and regulation).

If it was me I would insist his wage goes into joint account and he gets a monthly allowance.

One current account no overdraft. No credit card.

I'd open all mail and hold all documents- passports etc.

No phone/laptop locks.

Just want to offer you a bit of support OP. You’ve decided that the good in your marriage outweighs the bad and have chosen not to leave. You have the right to feel this way. You’ve set boundaries re GA, which appears to be the root cause. DH might find a budget useful so that he can pre-plan where his leftover money will go once he’s paid you for his portion of the bills—I’ve found that having a spending plan in place on payday helps me to avoid impulse spending and to be more conscious of my spending.
Married couples do not have to combine finances—I don’t understand why so many on here insist that married couples must throw all of their earnings into a combined pot every month. You do you.

I could have written this. He is lying you need to insist on seeing every official letter with your own eyes if you want to stay with him. This kind of worry will kill you off xx

Id check your own credit score. Its not unusual for people to take out loans in the other person's name. How manageable is that debt with his income? If it's gone to debt collection but should be an amount of repayments he could manage Id be concerned about other debts. As for the financial links thing I don't think its clear cut and you should talk to a lawyer not take MN advice on that. I believe a judge can decide during the divorce if the debts count as marital debts and this may be influenced by what the money was spent on. I wouldn't assume no financial links means no financial responsibility. You're married, a marriage forms financial links between the parties, whether that extends to hidden debts in his name only I couldn't say.

sorry just seen more recent updates, too late to edit. Please ignore.

‘In the past I gambled stupid amounts’

This is what makes you a gambler- the amount that you have wasted on it.

Is there a chance of you both classing all money as both of yours? Paid into one account then bills are paid, then taking your pocket money, maybe his in cash and finding a way to sort through any debt he’s made?

He would have to agree of course and he may feel like he’s being treated like a child this way but if he wants to get out of this possible debt he may have, it could help you.

Ok he lied loads but yesterday has finally/eventualy/been cornered/forced/caught out to tell the whole truth which is backed up by statements emails and credit reports

Unfortunately there's rather a lot credit reports don't show up, loan sharking and money from friends or relatives among them

I'm wondering if his initial comments about being hopeless with budgeting / separate accounts wasn't a huge red flag and that he was trying to keep things from you even then, but I very much respect that you've made your decision and can only hope it works out

Thanks, I have since updated and covered this