Suspect husband is lying about money

[WhyNotBeHonest]

Sorry it's long.

When we first met husband said he wasn't great with money/budgeting so I have always managed the monthly bills and household costs and he transfers me an agreed amount on payday. Often offered to go through it with him but he's fine with me doing it (as am I as always been very money conscious)

When we first met he took out a doorstep loan which when he mentioned it to me we paid off from savings and he repaid me directly to save the huge fees/interest.

Some time ago (18 months ?) I noticed he was using a different bank card and he said he'd been offered a credit card at a good rate so was building up his rating by using that for everyday spends and paying it off weekly/monthly and I was really proud of him.

Then end of last year he got a letter which looked very formal and I found it in the bin asking for payment by a certain date. I asked him what it was really about and after a long discussion and arguing he admitted he'd overspent and borrowed some money and had cancelled his repayments too soon and missed t he last one but was all sorted now. Took it as face value and left it there although was worried

Cut to today.
Formal "to be opened by addressee only" letter arrives to him and I am concerned what it is for.
Last time something like this arrived he said it was a pre-approval offer and binned it but today I googled the post code and it came up with a debt collection agency.

My worst nightmare. After everything we talked about before.

Asked him when he got in what the letter was and he said a credit card offer from virgin.

Feel stupid asking but could it be?
I don't want him to say I don't trust him again but in this instance I actually don't.

When this came up last year he accused me of not trusting him and I said I do in terms of being faithful, I never doubt that, but when it came to money I do have doubts, as has proven to be the case

Where do I go from here without confrontating him and admitted that I googled and "checked up on him" but it's not like I wasn't right in my suspicions.

Back last year I told him he HAS TO be honest with me, no matter the issue.... And now this

For info we rent and have no kids

I just wanted to say well done OP. People give up on things far too easily these days. The man you love has some problems and instead of just leaving him you are going to do your best to help and support him through it. This is what marriage is. Yes he has lied and broken your trust so you need to have your eyes wide open going forward and it may not work but at least you will have tried your hardest.

I really hope it all works out for you both. Best of luck xx

We have been married 15 years and aside from this have been very happy so I am willing to give it ONE try to make it work and any excuses/relapses/further lies and that is it

With absolute clarity that this is your decision to make, OP, I believe you said the "one chance" is the position you were in last year

FWIW I'm the very last to cry LTB over every little thing, but you might want to bear in mind the real possibility that he'll think "Whew - she clearly didn't mean it last time and probably won't mean it this, so it's as you were ..."

I absolutely understand your wish to try again and save your marriage, but, there is no way he will change. You still no doubt have not had the full picture by a long chalk and he will continue to lie.

As for the IVA , if he can lie repeatedly to you he can lie to them. You say he can't take out anymore loans now. Well of course he can. Any number of (criminal) sharks are waiting for him and on past performance it's only a matter of time before he's caught, can't pay and they'll send round the heavies. This is how people are drawn into the criminal world themselves - to service ever increasing debts eg APR 1,500% + on payday loans is not unusual.

You say you can't manage to rent on your own - as if you've been managing together until now!

I'm so sorry but this will be your life unless you split.

I would have opened the letter. Trust your instincts re truth/lies, hope you get it sorted.

This won't be the last time. He's already lied again because the first time he 'got away with it' and so is presuming you'll do the same this time.

He has not thought about anything apart from himself in any of these situations and all you have done in your replies to everyone is make excuses for why he can't help it or his trauma or becaise he's great and you love him apart from this one thing.

He's not great. He sounds like a selfish asshole but you probably know that but have decided that's better than the alternative

You'll be having this conversation with him again in another few years

good luck

It really isn't.
Marriage isn't one person being a total doormat while the other one does what the fuck they like.

Bit of a drip feed that you’re a gambler too…

You asked how you can “make him” tell you the truth. You can’t. You can’t change someone else’s behaviour, you can only change your responses to it. Because you are married to him, his debt accruing behaviour will dramatically affect your own credit rating, so this is definitely your business. Admit to him that you don’t trust and tell him it’s because he has a history of being untrustworthy with money.

Go on to credit karma and Check your credit score. Look at linked persons. Check out his credit score. He's lying to you but as a linked person it will affect your credit score too.

Im
so sorry to read this but he is absolutely definitely in debt, please try to sort it now- I know that’s easier said than done when he’s lying to you - before you find your house repossessed because he’s remortgaged to pay off his debts.
this happened to me with my ex husband- he was an accomplished liar- he just got deeper and deeper into debt- took out loans in my name eventually- I don’t think he will change although I hope I’m wrong.and by ‘sort this out’ I don’t mean you bailing him out . Even if you get him out of this mess he will do it again. I think you should leave him
as you will have a lifetime of this but obviously only you can make that decision but I guarantee he is lying to you. Best wishes to you

Run. Run. Run for the hills.

You boyfriend is very adept at taking out cards and loans.

He will never change.

It's almost certain he has a gambling problem - unless he has a drug problem.

Get out now - before he uses your name and fraudulently takes out loans in your name.

But also speak to every collection company you have a record of and speak to them - just to find out how much of a nightmare it is.

Speak to your landlord. Explain that your boyfriend has a credit collections agency problem - it will make the landlord want you out the property asap. Because the property with suffer being associated with a collections agencies.

This is to your advantage. You need to move asap. Alone. You need to disassociate yourself with any address connected with your partner. His financial history is going to affect you for years to come.

I cannot stress enough, that every single day you spend with him, is another dent in your future. You will find it so hard to get a mortgage or loan or finance of any description. Because you are linked to him. You live together.

He would.

Oh dear. Car crash in slow motion.

OP been given so many stories and lies.

Along with. But now he's honest! Okay he wasn't then. Okay, he lied about that, but now he's being totally transparent.

Yes he's still taking out secret loans and cards, but of course his gambling addiction is over.

Yes he keeps lying, but it's okay I've made him promise to be totally transparent.

Wot? Just because he keeps lying, no but, yeah, but. I love him. Of course he's over his gambling problem. Even though I keep saying I'm scared to open his mail.

Is boyfriend attending weekly Gamblers Anoymous meetings?

Nah he's not.

But I bet he's a terrifically lovely boyfriend - when he doesn't get cornered and react angrily and storm out - because the only thing standing between him and his next gambling fix is keeping a roof over his head and finding a way of borrowing money to gamble.

Really, whatever low self-esteem is driving OP - this relationship is going to haunt her financially for the rest of her life. Banks don't have emotional sentiments. Debts track people and relationships and debts track addresses.

Living with a gambling addiction person is precisely living with a conman. They will do whatever sweet-talking it takes to fuel their delusion that the next bet will land them the money.

Download his credit report

Not sure if it’s been mentioned but his poor credit and constant missing payments will have an impact on you too!! Maybe not your personal credit score but on the whole if you’re planning on making joint purchases, remortgaging or applying for any finances. If there is some one at the address with poor credit it can sometimes go against you depending on the reason for finance.

I had an issue renewing a mortgage because my ex husband forgot about a car tax fine at our previous address which escalated to a ccj he knew nothing about. . Nothing to do with me but the black mark was on my credit report because I was associated with him at the property.

Yep, fair enough point about last time being the last.

But his time 100% is, whether he believes it or not. If it happens again he will be leaving, up to him if he wants to test that out or not

If he doesn't change he's out the door

If we get anyone coming to the house he's out the door

If he takes out any other finance without discussing with me first he's out the door

He knows all of the above

Re renting, we have managed fine as all bills re the house have been paid.
Without his contribution I would struggle to rent a decent place by myself but that wouldn't stop me getting him to leave if any of the above occured

Thank you for pointing out what you have, but as I just replied to pp there are clear lines as to what I will and won't tolerate going forward and I guess only time will tell.

I have told him I'm pissed off and it's a shitty thing he's done but I can also understand how his childhood (that I wasn't aware of) can affect him.

I may sound like I'm making excuses, in my mind I'm reasoning the logic behind it to understand why he did what he did in terms of the debt. In terms of lying I know there is no excuse for it.

I haven't decided "it's better to be with someone than noone" I've decided I don't want to walk away from my marriage YET.

This conversation will not happen again as if any of this is repeated he will be leaving

I guess only time will tell and whilst I appreciate everyone's advice, I am also happy with my decision

Thanks for your opinion but I am not a doormat and he doesn't do what the fuck he likes.

My focus posting has been on this issue, but it is one part of our relationship, which I have made clear will not be tolerated again

I have gambled, I never said I didn't - but define a gambler - are you suggesting everyone either is or isn't?

Does playing the lottery once a week label Doris down the road "a gambler"

I mentioned it in the context I understand the feelings behind impulsive behaviours, Vs someone like my sister who has never had any interest in playing a fruit machine and sees things as black and white so "why not just don't do it"

Thank you but I have already done this

Checked and I am not impacted on my score (which is 999) as am not linked to him as have no joint credit

I appreciate if we were to move house a tenancy check would flag this however if it got to me moving to my own place I would have no red marks on my report

I have told him I don't trust him with money and he has told me about/given me access to everything

You can check the date his Iva started by looking him up on the insolvency register. Check if the timeline links with what he is saying.

Thank you - as above I have checked and we are not linked nor do I have any adverse affect.
Have run a full paid for credit report through Experian

Thanks
Yes he was lying and I got the full story out of him last night

I have told him he needs to ensure he doesn't miss a single payment of the IVA and that I will help and support him (verbally) but will not pay any of it off for him as that's for him to do.

We rent don't own and I have signed up to get regular updates on both our credit scores

You’re married. If you split up, these debts become yours so you have a right to know.

You’re also married so why is he transferring money to you. All money is both of yours, not mine is mine, yours is yours.

I’m not married but in it for the long haul and for us an Ultimatum worked as he didn’t want to lose me. But I could have walked away knowing this wouldn’t be my problem, you’re married so it’s your problem too and you have a right to know.