Hotel guest appears to have reported me

[holidaybliss]

Currently on holiday with our 5 month old baby, DH had annoyed me and I'd shouted at him, the usual stuff, first holiday with a baby and I feel I am doing a lot of the work (planning activities, childcare, etc). It was brief and nothing to write home about. The maid arrived shortly after at a very unusual time and the hotel manager came up to us at dinner and said how when he and his wife argue it's always about their children. I got the impression that both these events happened because someone in an adjacent room must have reported me to the hotel.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is unnecessary? It's not exactly like things were being thrown / someone was unsafe, I don't think it's a rare occurrence for a tired mother of a baby on their first holiday to get irritated at their partner.

Oh I’ve shouted at him plenty of times. Just not so loud it’s warranted a visit from anyone. If this was reversed you’d be telling her to divorce him immediately.

Yes. Absolutely. I am writing this as a man.

Oh, well. It's a shame you haven't experienced an environment that is less hostile or toxic.

The only people who have ever shouted at me have been abusive physically and psychologically - my mother, my ex. Interestingly, they would both say that everybody shouts, it's perfectly normal and healthy, whoever they shouted at (and hit/kicked/shoved/pinched/hair pulled/took a stick to), child, woman or animal deserved it and anybody who claimed they didn't shout at spouses, children, pets or anybody else was obviously lying.

I have had a couple of bosses who were reputed to be fond of the no witnesses shouting until the victim cried method of management, but strangely, they never got the opportunity to try it out on me, as I was at least confident that I wasn't going to get walloped, so I quietly disengaged before they got their kicks. Which really pissed them off. Maybe they could sense the utter contempt I hold for bullies/shouters?

DP doesn't shout. I don't shout. People who shout in anger have either lost control or are deliberately using their voice and the pain/fear it can cause as a weapon. It's perfectly possible to speak and discuss - and disagree - without it.

There you again with pure bile and hatred.

Keyboard warrior extraordinaire.

You know precisely nothing about me - except that I don’t like an online pile-on.

All I know about you is that you like saying nasty things to strangers for no reason.

I’m sorry you feel the need to do this. I can only deduce that you are very hurt about something.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is unnecessary? It's not exactly like things were being thrown / someone was unsafe, I don't think it's a rare occurrence for a tired mother of a baby on their first holiday to get irritated at their partner.

in the privacy of your own home then shout, not acceptable in a hotel or any other public place!!!

Sorry, this might have been me!!! 😂😂

I definitely found holidays with the children far from relaxing- I remember very clearly one holiday in Tunisia while 5 months pregnant with a 2 1/2 year old and my ex husband buggered off every day to go paragliding, drinking and jet skiing. He is obviously now my ex, but I definitely found it hard to keep my temper during this holiday.

but even holidays with my now, incredibly patient partner and 3 children were pretty brutal at times. My idea of a holiday and the reality were often quite far apart- not that we didn’t have a nice time, but that it was just tricky and I would end up doing all of the stuff I do at home with none of the convenience!!! I am thankful that they are all adults now!

perhaps the neighbours did say something. As others have said, hotels aren’t great for soundproofing! I hope the rest of the break went okay and he picked up some of the slack and you got a bit of a rest!!

@NeverDropYourMooncup

but strangely, they never got the opportunity to try it out on me, as I was at least confident that I wasn't going to get walloped, so I quietly disengaged before they got their kicks. Which really pissed them off. Maybe they could sense the utter contempt I hold for bullies/shouters?

That’s great, and well done you. But I have to ask - why pick OP’s thread to come and show off about your superior interpersonal skills when OP was clearly looking for support/guidance solidarity following a moment of weakness?

The lack of self-awareness in your post is staggering, so I'll simply mirror your language:

You know precisely nothing about me - except that I don’t like chavvy public screaming matches.

I’m sorry you feel the need to engage in them. I can only deduce that you are very insecure about something.

Honestly reading some of these comments makes me feel like an angry person. I’m generally a loud person anyway & when I get on a rant or become passionate, something I’m often told by others is that I’m being too loud. & I often become a bit shouty but in my world it’s not aggressive or unsafe when my husband and I have an exchange! we shout, get it out of system then get on with our day! And when I had a new born in the pandemic I had pnd & would shout and get angry all the time. I once went into a room & screamed until my throat hurt into a pillow! So with that said, I think it can be normal for people to have an argument with what they feel are raised voices & for others to consider it shouting. But also wonder if you are suffering in some way with your hormones post baby. No judgement but want to mention it just in case you hadn’t considered this. Also sorry of someone has already said this- there were too many comments for me to read 🙈

Please explain what you mean by my ‘lack of self-awareness’ because it really isn’t obvious and I think you’re just casting around for phrases that you think sound good.

As I said, nobody likes ‘chavvy’ shouting matches. But conflict can happen in many situations and isn’t always class-related (imagine!).

Chavvy is a nasty word indicative of, ironically, a lack of class.

The thing is, it’s very, very easy to work out why I’m engaging here; it’s because I don’t like online pile-ons. That’s fairly normal and (I think) not something to be ashamed of. I’m being fairly transparent about it. I dislike bullies.

But your reasons have got to be darker - that’s why you’ve gone on the offensive, calling me an Eastenders type and so on. If the reason you’re slinging insults is a class-based one, and you really think only ‘the lower orders’ ever shout - well, ok. That makes you both wrong and a snob. If that’s not your motivation- then what is? The only thing left is a desire to kick an OP when she’s down.

Either way, I can’t seem to put a good spin on your position.

I can understand why you would be annoyed by this. I would imagine in this situation I would feel cornered and annoyed and feel like strangers should mind their own business. I’m sure whoever reported it meant well though and I can understand the hotel staff checking you are safe. But it is annoying when you are in the situation. However it really sounds like your partner needs to step up a bit. Having a new baby is such hard work. I remember my first holiday with my Dc when he was a baby and getting up twice during the night it was just so tiring. Nearly not worth the stress. A partner as unhelpful as yours would send anyone over the edge tbh

The lack of self awareness leading you to make conclusions about me from a handful of posts on a single topic, while in the very same comment, chiding me for making conclusions from your multitude of posts on the same topic.

Anyway, I'm happy you're posting quietly on here, gives your neighbours a break from the screeching, so crack on.

Only you know how loud or aggressive it sounded. Maybe someone was being over concerned but also maybe you are normalising something that shouldn’t really happen. I have shouted at my husband, not going to lie, but not in an aggressive way, more just raised voice frustration stuff, and not in a public place either. Perhaps the person didn’t realise your child wasn’t there or couldn’t be sure of that? Shouting in front of young children and babies isn’t great tbh. They don’t understand that it’s maybe something and nothing and it’s stressful. So ok the child wasn’t there but they weren’t being unreasonable to think it might be.

It's not so much superior interpersonal skills as knowing from brutal experience what it's like to have somebody seek to scare you, intimidate you, assault your ears (and the rest of you in some cases) and in that example, taking advantage of the knowledge that the boss wasn't anywhere as likely to punch me in the head as my mother to avoid being trapped in at least a part of the abusive experience again. And I fundamentally disagree with the idea that everybody shouts and it's normal and healthy - not everybody shouts, not everybody is abusive and it's not normal or healthy.

What might be of relevance though, now that the OP has added extra context is that the husband now knows exactly what level of snidey little comments is needed to trigger that reaction. Mind games carry on more when they're rewarded with a visible and audible loss of control. So he can do it again and again until the OP realises that the only way to win is to exit his game. Or he decides there's something else to be gained in changing his tactics and acts to something even more distressing.

When she isn't in 24/7 contact with somebody who does that constant drip-drip of criticism and snark, she'll feel a lot calmer and happier than if she listens to people telling her that it's perfectly normal and healthy to have a relationship dynamic where people are shouting. A quiet, unannounced leaving would be more useful - and with fewer shouting incidents, there's less opportunity for them to be dragged up in court as 'proof' that he should be given residence, for example.

Ah I see. So you think, because I object to vindictive pile-ons, I must be someone who enjoys a shouting match in the street.

Logic not your strong point then!

You see, I have deduced that you like to bully people online and make childish snobbish comments because I’ve literally seen you do that!

The only things I’m concluding about you are based on fact.

Have you witnessed me shout, in the street or otherwise? Hmmm?

Your argument is all over the place!

As I’ve already said on this thread - the lengths some posters will go to to justify kicking an OP when she’s down. It’s sad.

We have a couple of plate flinging, door slamming and shouting rows a year, for decades. Not in public though. OP thought they were in private. OP don’t worry.

I have had plates thrown at me. It is a tantrum and not acceptable at all.

Wow I am gobsmacked at the amount of people on this thread that have never shouted. I find that very hard to believe 🤣 I am very happily married with 2 under 2 and I can safely say we have raised our voices many times! And my husband is extremely hands on with everything. Its just our personalities. We all express our emotions differently. We have been on holiday several times with our babies and it IS more stressful because you are in a different environment but you can still enjoy your beautiful surroundings! In all seriousness OP I would have a serious chat with your husband about what he needs to be doing because you sound like you could be heading down the road of resentment, which can be hard to come back from. I really hope you have a lovely holiday and I'm saddened by all the very negative comments on here. Wishing you all the best

Well I must be as bad as you because our first baby endured loads of shouting. We were soooo stressed and were living in poverty with no family support. My neighbour used to come to watch us fighting in the garden. I would just accept that the hotel were doing due diligence and be grateful that people keep an ear out for domestic abuse. Some people have it harder than others. You should stop worrying about it.

Arguing is normal but not shouting so loudly that it can be heard in an adjacent room. It would be quite normal to report that in case someone was being hurt. I think the staff were just being responsible. I think you guys need to learn to have disagreements without shouting. It’s really upsetting for anyone around you especially your children. Anger management or couples counseling might be helpful. Don’t let this be normal for you.

No one on here has ever shouted/raised their voice at their husband?! Oh please…..

That said I am sure the nature of your argument must have been a worry for others to check on and that’s ok. I’d forget it and try and enjoy your break. Also fair play on going on holiday with a 5 month old! I could never have 👏

The bar for relationships is so low it’s in hell judging by the amount of people who are shocked/disbelieving that there are couples who don’t shout at each other.

I was shocked reading peoples responses on here! I'm sorry OP people have been really unkind and judgy! I think it is actually healthy to have arguments in relationships, certainly better than bottleing it up and quietly resenting someone. You are only human, having a baby is hard. Being stressed and sleep deprived is hard in your own home. Being stressed and sleep deprived in a strange place is even harder! It sounds like DH isn't as supportive as he could be. Which must be really infuriating. No wonder you lost it. Try not to worry about it or take what people have said to heart. I hope you can get a bit more support from DH. Be open with him and say you are really struggling and need him to step up.
Also it is completely normal for baby to be harder at 5 months than newborn, my oldest certainly was. Every baby is different. I wish women stood up for one another more instead of judging and comparing, motherhood would be that little bit easier if more people tried to empathise more, you don't know what someone's been through. Best of luck with it all.

I'm most shocked by a 5 month old baby put in a crèche on holiday. That level of trust in a stranger is insane to me!