Hotel guest appears to have reported me

[holidaybliss]

Currently on holiday with our 5 month old baby, DH had annoyed me and I'd shouted at him, the usual stuff, first holiday with a baby and I feel I am doing a lot of the work (planning activities, childcare, etc). It was brief and nothing to write home about. The maid arrived shortly after at a very unusual time and the hotel manager came up to us at dinner and said how when he and his wife argue it's always about their children. I got the impression that both these events happened because someone in an adjacent room must have reported me to the hotel.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is unnecessary? It's not exactly like things were being thrown / someone was unsafe, I don't think it's a rare occurrence for a tired mother of a baby on their first holiday to get irritated at their partner.

So many perfect ladies here. Yes, it can be normal for some couples. Not if you're shouting every day at each other, no, but you haven't said this. This was one occasion, this could have been the only occasion. Especially when you feel like one isn't pulling their weight, and with a baby, it can cause arguments. We do it very seldomly and not in front of our child. Together 14 years so I think we're doing ok.🙄

All these people that reckon they have never shouted at their partner…
Having a young baby is hard and I have definitely lost my temper with my husband when I’ve been tired and stressed and felt like he’s not doing his share.
The hotel walls are probably thin, another guest has complained and the hotel staff are just checking everything is now calm and trying to scope out if it’s a one off or if they need to be concerned. I hope you are all okay and enjoy the rest of your holiday!

Yes it’s completely unreasonable to behave like that in a hotel, if I had behaved like that and they next door room had heard I would be extremely embarrassed.

We all loose our temper from time to time and raise our voice but I think the term “time and place” springs to mind.

It's shocking the divorce rate is so high when so many people have the perfect marriages!

I've just got back from centre parcs with my sen 4 Yr old (who is 1 Yr old developmentally) and yeah it is/can be very tense and stressful and shattering. I'm absolutely exhausted and me and DH have been snapping at each other and getting annoyed much more.

We have shouted at each other on occasion when losing our temperature. Everyone needs to calm down acting like OP is in the incredible hulk or something. I find it very hard to believe all these commenters have never got annoyed and raised their voice at their partner.

Completely relate to your frustration OP. And I’ve certainly been there and shouted at my husband when overwhelmed. The hotel staff were definitely just doing their duty I’m afraid.

I also agree with other posters that shouting at your husband is not okay (but concerns for baby’s welfare is a step too far 🙄). It’s taken me so long to realise that it’s the equivalent of an adult temper tantrum. Once you’re back from the holiday I highly recommend starting sessions with a couples counsellor (Relate are great). Saved my sanity (felt like a single married mother) and also my marriage (as he’s had to recognise he wasn’t doing enough and step up).

Hope you’re getting some you time now baby is in the crèche.

@NeurospicyMummy, what a thoughtful post.
I would still say that shouting at your husband, for either annoyance at him or because life is overwhelming generally is normal. That said, it is not good and in many cases is basically a tantrum. It can serve the same practical purpose.

I think you've just hit the nail on the head. You would class it as normal life. What people are telling you is that normal life shouldn't be like that. You may not like it or want to hear it but you shouldn't have to shout and loose your temper in order to get your needs met in a relationship.

@QuietLifeNoDrama, if that is to me, then yes, I agree. I would not have written such things as a naive young man. It was a hard thing to learn that my actions would not do much to prevent it. I think it is unrealistic to set your standards too high in all aspects.

Oh ffs!
yes having a baby is tiring and yes we lose our shit with those close to us.
You are allowed to raise your voice every so often.
hotel staff sound caring take it as the kind gesture it was intended.

I've lost my temper, but shouting at DH is not a thing that happens. I may say something that I don't mean, or tell him he's been a dick. But shouting is not normal, adult communication, even when pissed off.

It’s about as normal as saying something you don’t mean.

I actually never do that. You can’t take things back, once said. But we have shouted at each other on occasion.

Why do people think they can confidently say what’s normal and what’s not? You can have a normal for your relationship but you cannot say what’s normal or not for all of society. Surely that’s obvious?

So everyone else is abnormal. And you're normal right? Says who? You will be biased duh! Doesn't mean you are the normal one.

Editing to add. My personal opinion is that it isn't adult communication to call someone a dick.

I hope op is ok btw. It would massively help if some of the judgier posters could have bothered to read the op’s updates. She’s clearly struggling with a small baby and a fucking worse than useless husband.

Same applies to OP, and you. OP stated she shouted as is normal in relationships. It's not.

Yes, couples, especially those who've been together forever, argue and irritate each other. But if it's to the point you're losing your rag, enough that other people feel the need to report a disturbance, and you think it's normal, is that a good sign?

When I say that I say stuff I don't mean, it's things like "you don't give a sh*t about me". I know he does, he shows it all the time. But I've said it cos in that moment I feel like it. I don't actually mean it though because rationally it's not true. Nor is he a dick. Sometimes he just acts like one.

Even if, in that moment, they're being a dick? And telling them that makes them check themselves and stop it?

OP also stated it was "normal" to shout. She thinks it is. The majority of posters on the thread have said it's not their normal. By definition, the "norm" is the thing the majority do.

Same to me? Where have I claimed to know what’s normal in a relationship and what’s not?!

I said saying something you don’t mean to a partner is as normal as shouting e.g neither of those things are abnormal on relationships. Many do either or both. Reading comprehension is your friend.

Op had no idea if she had been heard by the neighbour. There may have not even been anyone in the room! She was feeling paranoid because of what the manager had said to her and her husband.

And saying ‘you don’t care about me’ when you know your partner does and actually treats you well, could be considered by some as emotional abuse so I wouldn’t be so keen to take the moral upper hand if I were you.

The norm for mumsnet is not the norm for all of society.

I would never swear at my husband in anger. You’ve said you do that. Does that mean my relationship is better then yours?

No. It doesn’t.

I would raise my voice. You apparently think that’s ‘not normal’.

You’re being ridiculously judgmental and illogical.

I answered a post on MN with my opinion, go away with your "moral high ground" rubbish. Try your spiel on someone who might bite harder, I don't care what keyboard warriors think about me.

OP shouted at her husband. She got told that's not considered normal by many people and responded in a very aggressive way to a lot of people.

The majority of Mumsnet have been in the 5 month old baby stage. Many of them will have been away. If the huge amount of posts on here are anything to go by, loads of them also have shit partners. She asked a question, she got answers and didn't like them.

We swear a lot in general conversation with each other, so it's not out of the ordinary to do it in an argument. Swear words are not words we consider more offensive than others.

No, I won’t go away with my ‘moral high ground rubbish’.

You’ve been incredibly judgmental towards someone struggling when you have absolutely no right to be (and have quite rightly been pulled up on that be several posters.

I have read almost the whole thread. Come back when you've pulled up every single person saying the same as me.

I don’t need to. Very few have said they don’t shout but they do do something equally as questionable (if not more) and are claiming the moral high ground over op.

As I said, you’ve rightly been pulled up by several posters. Don’t like it? Don’t post on a forum.

Swear words are not words we consider more offensive than others.

Well that’s certainly not normal! The very definition of swear words relies on their offensiveness @IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos