Hotel guest appears to have reported me

[holidaybliss]

Currently on holiday with our 5 month old baby, DH had annoyed me and I'd shouted at him, the usual stuff, first holiday with a baby and I feel I am doing a lot of the work (planning activities, childcare, etc). It was brief and nothing to write home about. The maid arrived shortly after at a very unusual time and the hotel manager came up to us at dinner and said how when he and his wife argue it's always about their children. I got the impression that both these events happened because someone in an adjacent room must have reported me to the hotel.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is unnecessary? It's not exactly like things were being thrown / someone was unsafe, I don't think it's a rare occurrence for a tired mother of a baby on their first holiday to get irritated at their partner.

Your experience might vary

So you're angry with your partner for being concerned about you?

It's horrible to hear that you might have PND, but if he's genuinely concerned about you then it's good he said something my ex was too scared to say anything because he didn't want to upset me; but that meant I spiralled to a suicide attempt!

Also if someone did report you it's highly likely you were being louder than you think you were.

Also 2 more things

1. Your husband can't help that he's got a hernia - and presumably didn't do much at home so why did you think he'd miraculously be in less pain on a holiday?

2. 5 months old is ridiculously young to go on holiday, you're still getting routines set etc. So of course it's going to be hard work.

Mental abuse is so much worse having suffered both at the hands of the same person the physical scars have healed in fact they healed quite quickly - 10+ years down the line the mental scars are still very much alive and well!

During our holiday last summer, family resort, our DCs were 11 and 12. We heard a couple arguing a lot. But another couple were having loud sex at all hours. If I was to complain, I would have chosen the couple having sex as that had a far bigger impact on my young children than hearing a couple shouting. We all have bad moments, some people have a healthier relationship when raising their voice once in a while then those who bottle it up constantly. That's what damages a relationship more than a little bit of shouting. How many of you non shouters bottle up all your feelings? I have heated arguments with my parter of of 26 years, we are soulmates and wouldn't change a thing! Wise up people! None of your business what other people do.

@Orabee, I would suggest a man shouting at a woman is typically far worse, men being bigger with far bigger voices.

I’m shocked at how many people say they have NEVER had an argument. I call BS. Yes it’s very normal for a new tired Mum to feel frustrated. You are working out a new dynamic in your relationship and it’s good your not just allowing your partner to get away with not doing anything. It if was late at night and it went on for a lengthy period, I can understand guests complaining, but it doesn’t sound like that was the case so they should just mind their own business!!

I know! When I had my first I actually realised how people could murder a baby - and I'm about the most placid, non violent person you'd ever meet! She cried non- stop, never slept and ex dh was about as useful as a chocolate teapot. She's now in her 30s with a family of her own - and she made a much better choice of dh than me.

Read on: you will find my post saying there are many forms of abuse.

Hi OP, I've not read all the posts nor your replies. First of all, with everyone jumping on you, are you ok? Also adjusting to being parents, and being on holiday, is super tough.

I wonder what "shouting" means to you. Screaming and yelling is different to raised voices and frustration. Also, a one off is different to repeated. Personally, if I'd heard shouting once I'd leave it, but I guess I don't know what was said.

I think it's good people are showing care, although in your shoes I'd be annoyed. We all need a bit more care around us. Exhausted parents need all the care you can get.

Have things settled with your husband?

Hallelujah: what a sensible, balanced post.

This discussion is pointless really and we’re just going round the houses but I didn’t say I’ve never had an argument, just that I have never shouted at my husband. An argument is a discussion in which we disagree about something… yes we have those. We just don’t shout/raise our voice/yell/whatever it is people refer to it as. Now before I’m pounced on (again 🤣) I don’t think the OP was in the wrong, I don’t think she’s unreasonable, I don’t think she’s abusive or anything like that, and maybe with a husband like hers I’d shout too. Just wanted to clear up that saying I don’t shout doesn’t mean I don’t have spoken discussions or disagreement, or that I’m emotionally repressed or anything like that. I just don’t shout.

Is it a middle class thing to never ever so much as raise your voice and God forbid have even a heated discussion? Or just British? This whole thread is completely batshit to me.

No, just a ‘all people are different’ thing.

Definitely a British thing! Look at the Italians, they always argue....never mind the shouting

I’m not British 😂

Precisely, I was actually going to say this also. My mum and her side if the family were very much 'don't cause a fuss just bottle it up and stiffen that upper lip' people. Would drive me nuts to live like that.

Again though, not shouting doesn’t mean ‘bottling stuff up’ or ‘stiff upper lip’. It literally means… not shouting. It’s easy to discuss things that you disagree on without shouting. I don’t judge people who shout during arguments. Whatever floats your boat. But weirdly people who say they don’t shout are judged as being emotionally repressed or whatever. I’m not. I just don’t shout.

And as I said, also not British. In fact, brought up in one of the ‘fiery’ European cultures that people seem to think are shouting at people all the time!

You’re on holiday and you’ve got nothing better to do than to post on Mumsnet? Just move on, the argument has happened now, you mentioned you can put your baby in the crèche so if that will make you a happier, more chilled out person on your holiday that doesn’t think it’s ‘normal’ to shout at their partner rather than communicate like an adult, then keep putting little one there so you can enjoy yourself.

my best advice is pick your battles. Stop arguing over stuff on holiday or you won’t have any happy memories of what is meant to be your first family holiday - I’d also be inclined to have little one with you not in crèche so you can make memories as a family.

bottom line is so what if you got reported, I’d report someone shouting their heads off - will be disturbing other people’s holidays!

We shouters only judge the non shouters because they are so damn self righteous for having the magical ability to quietly talk things over or write each other a formal letter without resorting to such uncouth behavior as raising their voice. What do they want a gold star and a smiley face? 🙄

I haven’t said anything ‘self righteous’. Someone further up the thread said that anyone who says they doesn’t shout is a liar. I responded with a factual statement, ‘I’m not lying, I don’t shout’, and got a load of responses about how I must be emotionally repressed, am probably damaging my children by emotions in other ‘more confusing’ ways and all sorts of other judgmental bollocks. So I can only assume that people saying they don’t shout triggers people, for some reason.

Book yourself into the spa. Leave him some breast milk and let him get on with it. Side his hernia just like he didn't care about your stitches. When you get back criticise everything he has done. Tell the baby daddy doesn't care enough to look after you properly. Then start on his appearance. When he gets mad say its not nice is it. Now you know how I feel. Tell him things need to change or he'll find himself looking after the baby full time as you'll Be off.

It doesn't trigger me as such, I'm just shocked that so many eople claim to never ever shout or raise their voice. I don't think I've ever met anybody in my life that hasn't shouted at some point when things get tough 🤷‍♀️

I agree. I live a much happier married life than my friend who is never allowed to shout and has to bottle up all her feelings as shouting is unacceptable to her British husband. But it's OK for him to be a bully through talking, never ever shouting... I am not saying that anyone who doesn't shout is a bully. But some people are and of course they have no idea that they are....

I didn’t even reply to you so your reply is pointless! My post was NOT pointless as I was replying to the OP to tell her to take no notice of people saying they are perfect because it’s BS people do argue and raise their voices I see and hear it all the time in various places. They just don’t realise they are doing it or more to the point, like to pretend they don’t