To think most women on here hate men

[Tanyahawkes]

Sorry for the rant but I’m noticing a pattern on mn, any post involving a man and a disagreement results in multiple calls of he’s a narcissist, he’s abusing, he’s controlling, leave the bastard!

I’ll admit that a list of posts do involve behaviour that is not nice from dh and dp. So many posts also can be interpreted in many ways too, I just feel like a large number of women jump to the worst conclusion first about a strangers partner, having only one side of a story told in a short version.

for anyone misunderstanding me, if a post says the partner is hurting physically, calling names, cheating, putting the op down, then yes I agree, ltb (so long as the post is true) it’s when a post says “great relationship, today partner upset me and we couldn’t see eye to eye” and everyone calls the poor guy a narcissist etc

I’d say the opposite. Too many women on here are quick to defend useless men and weaponised incompetence. Men who have left their mother’s thinking their wives will just fill that role, and the quite embarrassing amount of women on here who will say ‘ah well you see men don’t think about these things, have you told him how you feel, have you written him list? But don’t nag of course, no one likes women who go on about what’s bothering them’. The excuses made by some women about these men who are slowly mentally destroying their partners is a bigger problem than a few over enthusiastic LTB.

I wouldn't put up with anything like that. I have no problem with those who said that OP should leave in that situation.

@NonPlayerCharacter "I think it's a sign of someone's own prejudice and lack of insight to come on here, see the number of accounts of truly awful male behaviour and conclude that the problem is that women hate men."

It's absolutely classic ingrained misogyny. The patriarchy works on us from birth. Why look at whether or not men are a problem, when you can easily transfer the blame to women? Enraging.

when a post says “great relationship, today partner upset me and we couldn’t see eye to eye”

But if it really was an isolated incident in a truly was a great relationship then OP probably wouldn’t be posting. I think people post when they start realising that maybe it’s not quite so great.

I like men on an individual level. I don't like men on a population level.

And right now, with all the gender ideology crap, I have never disliked men more tbh.

I don’t disagree with any of what you have said in regards to how abuse can start subtle and build, I have seen all kinds of control and a fair amount of abuse in real life. I also agree that yes women who have been there can spot the signs, of course they can, but sometimes when someone posts on here they aren’t sure what to make of something at home, want to check if they are wrong (we all are at times) sometimes it’s not a pattern of control (maybe) and I’m wondering if a lot of people are jumping straight to “red flag” “abuse” etc. this could even be that sometimes people are reading a situation as abusive based on their own experiences and yet it’s not the same. Sometimes we see the worst in people, rather than see people (again abusers are not included in my thoughts when I say this, abusers are scum and deserve all the hate, abusers are not real men)

Hate is a strong word. I'm ambivalent to most of them. I have a dh and a ds who I love. But I have no male friends and no wish to have any really. I mean who cares if women hate men anyway...it doesn't translate into any actual danger for them does it?

But not realising their privilege, and not acting better if they do realise it, IS arsehole behaviour. They might be perfectly nice superficially but they are still arseholes. And it absolutely IS gendered: because of the differences in how men and women are treated within a patriarchal system. I have no sympathy for a nice man who fucks up in a way that makes him sad because he's not getting coddled for it.

Lol, what? Women talking about how the men in their life behave, asking questions, or just having a rant isn't hate. Women are allowed to have the opinion that some men are shit, its ok, the world wouldn't end. The fact you don't understand that is odd.
I'm constantly surprised by how little women actually dislike men, considering how much abuse, assault, murder and rape we all see and read about day in day out.
If you want to see actual hate, go read the male centered subs on reddit, or post anything positive about being a woman on twitter. Being annoyed and posting about being mistreated by a male stranger or how your boyfriend/husband wants you to do everything/be their mummy-maid isn't the same.

The example you’ve posted - the replies are harsh, but my take is that the DH completely overreacted - a decent man would have said “are you ok? Are you hurt?” But he went on and on about her making a mistake.
She possibly overreacted by looking at hotels, but all I can see for her is a future with a sulky husband pointing out all the bad decisions she’s ever made and not admitting any responsibility in life, which ends up being a really dismal existence (been there done that).

That’s my take based on my experiences and seeing familiar patterns of behaviour. That’s how people advise, based on their knowledge.
They’ve been together a few years, but very often it’s having a baby that brings out the reality of how a couple works together, and this one doesn’t look great.

Do you think women are leaving happy relationships because someone on MN told them to?

Do you think that actually happens? That women are that stupid and easily led within their own lives?

Yes. Well said.

And the other posters point about who cares if women hate men, it doesn’t translate into danger for them - unlike the other way round!

Most often yes I think you are right, that normally it’s a build of incidents, sometimes it’s not, many people online want attention, many people don’t want to discuss with people they know and want unbiased opinion, I just feel the vibe on mn isn’t unbiased, and quite often the vibe is warranted, but sometimes it’s maybe not

That isn’t an example of trivial, the man in that thread is a dick, plain and simple. As someone who put up with someone who was verbally explosive for far too long, I’d suggest leaving as well. I wish I hadn’t listened when told that ‘letting emotions go in the moment’ was his healthy way of dealing with stress. Being gaslit by being told that he wasn’t ‘shouting’ just ‘saying his feelings loudly’ whilst I couldn’t get a quieter word in edgeways. Bloody awful and mentally draining.

That’s such an odd example. The husband is an arse. He has a ‘temper’. The temper came when she was pregnant and he’s manipulating her and causing undue distress. And we do know, that abuse starts when women are pregnant. How did you read that and think it’s unjustified that others have called him an arse?

It’s not the ‘he didn’t do the hoovering today - LTB’ example you seemed to be suggesting.

I think this is the one place on the internet where women don’t go out of their way to excuse men’s shit behaviour and that’s what you find jarring and difficult. Girls are taught from such a young age that men abusing them is fine (“aww, that means he likes you”) and to put up with it. It’s great a place exists where women can call abusive behaviour for what it is and women posters feel like they are listened to, believe and given some straight talking.

I love your ambivalence. The danger they perceive is that they will be irrelevant, and they will have to do some fucking work on themselves to get the sex they think they're owed. It truly enrages some of them.

Contrast that with women, who are basically told constantly to work on themselves, and tell each other how to do it, from toddlerhood.

But of course it’s not unbiased! This is a woman centred forum. Many of us have faced shit from the men in our lives, shit that happens again and again and again to thousands if not millions of women. Why would we spot patterns and advise an OP that maybe her poor lamb of a husband is just having a bad day, give him a BJ hun and it’ll all be ok in the morning, hugs xxx

OP in the one single example you've provided to 'prove' we all hate men, even though you're not meant to post threads about threads:

• it's clearly not a misunderstanding in a normal loving relationship, she says upfront he's bad tempered
• he was horrible, showing intimidating and gaslighting behaviour that is so often linked to abuse
• lots and lots of posters didn't say LTB.

This thread is just... a waste of time really, we're arguing about something that didn't happen the way you say it did.

There are a lot of very experienced women on here.

Many years ago I posted about something inane my husband did, and I got questioned and told things that I thought were harsh.

Turns out that I was in an abusive relationship and just couldn't see it. I can now I'm out of it, but MN was my turning point.

Sometimes you can't see things for what they really are, and I love MN for that. It's not a site that panders to men and their egos.

For every person getting harsh words about their husband not sticking the bins out, there's another person that is realising their partner is actually abusive and that's so important.

The fact that a lot of people say LTB does not automatically lead to the conclusion that MNers hate men. That is terribly poor reasoning.

This is a site that above all supports women. So it is perfectly logical that our here tendency is to defend women. Do you not get that??

You are entitled to think whatever you want. So are all the other MNers.
But you are barking up the wrong tree trying to make out that MOST MNers are anti- men. That is simply not true.

There are approximately 3 million users here. And many are tired of hearing people run to defend poor pitiful victimized men. Again, women come here for support. So you're obviously not going to hear a lot about defending men here. There are other sites for that.

Yeah, they do

Again I see your points, but all this is speculation that he didn’t say anything nice, speculation that based on majority of posts on here that this man is the same, and wasn’t just scared for them. Like I’ve said, he might be an abusive bastard, maybe op will reveal something that makes me change my mind on that situation, maybe this is the start of the shit for the woman and he will get worse. But maybe it’s just an argument that’s gone a bit wonky and he’s a genuinely decent guy. Yea you are 100% right, having kids together does really bring out the worst (or best) in relationships, you really get to know your partner when you have kids with them

I agree! I like men.most of my friends are men. I rarely see any of the misogyny that Mumsnet sees

I mean, I don’t hate men at all.

But I quite often feel like my life would be 4000x easier if they all just disappeared…

I don't hate men. Just the misogynistic, abusive, selfish ones. Which counts for a helllll of a lot of them.

On a serious note I think it's a good thing that we challenge people to consider whether or not a relationship is actually good because all too often women are brought up to accommodate the menfolk at the expense of their own lives.

The older I get, the more I see it, and I want to help people who are in an abusive or simply sub standard relationship to see that and do something about that. Perhaps because I've been there and at the time had noone to help me.

So, I think it's a good thing. 👍