Can my marriage still be saved?

[Nullia]

Sorry it's long. Hoping for balanced advice...together 6 years, got married last year, currently 5 months pregnant with our first child. I'd say we have a very loving relationship, although we argue, mostly because DH has a temper and can go off on small things if in a bad mood.

We went to a playground with DH's niece, 3.5 years. I was watching her climbing and securing her, when she slipped and was about to fall down, I grabbed her and lifted her down, twisting my belly a bit and it was painful for a moment. DH started screaming if I'm crazy, running around like a madman, repeating 'I can't believe this' and how could I have done this. Obviously it wasn't an ideal movement at 5 months pregnant, but the child was about to fall down.

I told him that this reaction is not ok by any means. We went home, I was fighting back tears. At home he said he 'could have reacted better' but was scared. But he still insisted that I made a mistake in lifting her, that she wasn't about to fall (she clearly was, and he wasn't close enough to witness the situation) and that I'm trying to blame a child for my poor decisions. At this point it got a bit too much for me, I started to cry and I looked on the website of a hotel nearby because I felt I needed space and didn't want the situation to escalate further, for the sake of me and my baby. I agree that this wasn't my best move and DH wasn't shouting anymore at this stage, he was calmly reiterating his point that I made a mistake. I quickly closed the hotel booking site again, realising that this is not the right move. But he had seen what I had looked at, said that 'kicking him out' is a red line (I never intended to ask him to leave, I would have left, if it had come to that), and packed his bag. He said he's sorry that it had to end like this, but that this is one of the things he can't accept in a marriage, and that he would get in touch in a few days time to collect the rest of his stuff and discuss starting divorce proceedings.

He then stood in the doorway. I was shocked but calm, explained to him that I was just looking for space for one night, but that I will respect his decision. After no reply from him, I went back in the bedroom (because I couldn't keep my calm facade up any longer).

I came back an hour later, he hadn't moved. I asked him if he wants to come in and talk, he said no. I asked him if it would make a difference if I apologised, he said he wouldn't want me to. So I left him there again.

After another two hours, I just broke down, I went back to him, cried, asked him to give us one more chance for the baby's sake, and that I was sorry. He said he doesn't want to see me so upset, and came in and made me a cup of tea.

We went to bed in silence this night. When he came home next day, he was frosty but polite. No silent treatment, he asked me if he should make dinner for us. I tried to start a conversation about what happened, but he said we can't keep talking about this (we did talk a fair bit the night before in the doorway, to no avail other than me looking at a hotel is a red line for him, and me saying that it was because of his reaction earlier, which really hurt me). He said that neither one of us will have changed their mind, and that we can't have the same argument again now. He asked me to let it go. The rest of the evening was quiet but frosty, we talked a bit about mundane things, but we are both clearly hurt.

I'm at a loss about what to do.... part of me feels like saying to him, he made his decision that this marriage is over, so he should leave now. But then again I don't want to bite my nose to spite my face. I am/used to be happy in my marriage and I have a baby on the way.
But I also don't see how I can come back from this now, firstly, I'm still hurt by what he said and did, but even more importantly, where's the point if he has decided that he wants out of this marriage. If it was a case of different opinions, we could (and normally do) say 'ok, let's agree to disagree and move on because we both value our relationship more', but I can hardly say 'Ok, you want a divorce and I don't, let's disagree and continue living as a happily married couple'.

Please help...my mind is a mess!

He sounds toxic, he's unkind to you. Don't stay with someone who treats you with such contempt

Jesus wept.

What a drama queen he is. And a horrible, horrible bully.

Has he always behaved like this? Having a hissy fit over nothing? He sounds like a total dick.

Sorry but I think you have far more mental peace if you divorced.

Will he have hysterics over a too hot cup of tea next?

I really have no idea what the initial issue was - you're pregnant, not made of soggy tissue paper. If you have another child would he expect you to just drop your older toddler?

Sounds like an awful lot of drama. Think you can save it, if you want to, but it does sound like a headache.

He sounds absolutely nuts and the controlling of you, while vulnerable, ( why would you apologise? ) has begun. Should have left him on the doorstep.

He never flipped that way before, and never said he'd leave the relationship. On the contrary, he always took the position that there can be disagreements in a marriage but that these can be sorted, and that we never should consider leaving because of an argument.

He is being so so awful doing this. I can understand his concern about your belly hurting, but to then get angry with you and to say all that stuff about his red line... Manipulative mind games, designed to make you feel insecure.

Hugs to you OP x

This is horrible to read. He's manipulating and gaslighting you and exercising coercive control to keep you in your place. It is a form of abuse. Please confide in your family or a close friend before it gets any worse.

Tell him to fuck off to the back of fuck, and then fuck off some more.

He sounds absolutely vile.
I second PP, it was horrible to read your post. Don’t ever accept someone treating you like this. He will treat your child like this too.

What an awful piece of shit. You absolutely should kick him out!!
This is abusive you know? You had a natural reaction to his ridiculous angry behaviour abd instead of apologising he overreacted even more to get you to back down. This is a tactic to get you to stop expressing any negative emotions or any resistance to anything he says or does. That is completely toxic.
Don't think for a second he was going to leave he was just trying to manipulate you into apologising and fawning over him.
I know you are pregnant and probably feel you love and need this man.. and I don't think even with whst everyone on this thread will tell you, that you will leave him right now... but I hope that one day, sooner rather than later, you will realise that you don't want to live your life walking on eggshells and without healthy communication and support.. and that you'll find the strength to walk away.

He sounds completely deranged.

And yes I would ask him to leave and confide in family and friends for support. This will only escalate with a child on the scene.

So his argument is that you crossed a line in your marriage by booking a hotel room which you explained was for you for one night?

(And you booked it to get away from being harried by him.)

And that that was worse than him packing a bag and escalating the argument by mentioning that the marriage was ending? Even though he didn’t actually follow through and proceeded to give you the silent treatment?

I’m sorry op but he sounds so immature and oppressive. There’s no way he should have reacted like that to the initial incident and he should have apologised and left it at that.

I’m very sorry but I can’t see that this relationship will improve much with the added strain of a baby and all of the tiredness and frustration that goes with that.

If he was really being protective and caring he would not be upsetting you so much and creating all of this stress.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry you've had to deal with all this.
I'm going to be very, very blunt now, because of how much this man doesn't deserve you.

Your baby deserves better than a dad who 'has a temper and can go off on small things if in a bad mood.' And doesn't see it as a problem. And when he sees his wife get hurt, his reaction is to tell her how wrong she was over and over again rather than show concern for her in a loving way.
You need to sit down and think about how the way he handles things would impact your child throughout its life. If your child talks back, as kids do. If your kid falls out of a tree he told them not to climb. If they forget their gym bag for school. All normal things that happen. Do you think the way he reacts to things is good for your child to grow up with? Do you think it will mean they love and respect their dad? Would you want your child to be in a relationship with someone like this?

He is telling you he wants to leave. Let him.

@Nullia You need to take control of this situation. He should not have had such a hissy fit over something so insignificant.

He ultimately got his way - you offering to apologise, both staying in the house, & making you feel miserable & vulnerable. Would you do this to someone you love?

It's easy for randoms on the internet to say just leave him. This is your life, your reality. You have to make the right decision for you. Can you go & spend a few days with family or friends to give yourself some space? Turn your phone off. Think in peace about your options, talk it over with someone you trust.

You not only have yourself to care for. Your baby needs you to make the right decision.

I wish you the best of luck

Totally manipulative, standing and waiting to force you to back down.

Two issues: first, he doesn't respect your judgement of the situation in the park. Basically doesn't see you as a full competent adult.

Second, he blows a disagreement into a huge hours-long event, during which he shows no consideration for the stress on you, despite allegedly wanting to protect you during your pregnancy, and he shows no appreciation that he might've done anything wrong.

Neither of which suggests that your marriage is a partnership of equals. You could keep going in the marriage but look out for further signs that he sees himself as more important than you. (That is basically the abusive mindset.)

Does he mean they can be sorted when you eventually capitulate & agree with him?

It takes a sadistic bastard to stand in the doorway for 3 hours until you start crying - even if he only stood there when he heard you getting up!

No normal person could be arsed with that!

Sadly I have to agree with what everyone is saying. It's just difficult because I feel that there are more layers to it....I genuinely believe that he loves me, and he is very caring day in day out and so excited to be a daddy. I also can't see him getting angry over anything the child does (but I guess time will tell). But at the same time, I can see how his behaviour was wrong and shouldn't be excused.

If this is very out of character it could be that he's v stressed / anxious and it's coming out in a bad way. If it's not out of character you have a bigger problem. He certainly seems super controlling the way he's refusing to discuss it and very immature.

Honestly though, neither of you sound v emotionally mature. You're both going to have to work on that and better communication if this relationship will last with the stresses of being a parent.

Re +Your baby deserves better than a dad who 'has a temper and can go off on small things if in a bad mood.'*

People need to be aware that divorced/separated or not, the law would let this man have one to one contact with the child, including overnights if he wants it, sooner or later; and he will be able to carry on with his nasty temper with the child to his hearts content if he so chooses.

It is difficult ever to truly escape.

He sounds like a manipulative mind fuck.

I wouldn't continue this abusive marriage and would have pushed him through the door.

It will only get worse once the baby arrives, I promise you.

This.

I was once in your situation OP. Except by baby was 6 weeks old and he threw us out of “ his hoise “ because I disagreed with him over some tiny thing.

After w few weeks he decided he has punished me enough for my disobedience and he let us go back. I wanted to make my marriage work , I had no money ( on maternity leave ) and no family support .

Things got a bit better , as long as I did exactly what I was told and any time I annoyed or upset him I had to beg to stay.

The abuse and control got worse and worse, I got more worn down and believed it was all my fault. It took me many years of my life to get away from him and I bitterly regret that I didn’t heed the warning signs over the first few years.

please don’t be me, it’s a lot easier to get away before baby is born. Yes no doubt he will make lots of threats about wanting baby 50:50 but that’s only to scare you. I don’t know a single man who has actually ended up doing that, because it makes it hard for then to find a new victim.

They get more milage out of telling their new partner how awful their ex is and wallowing in the attention and sympathy . Rather than actually doing the work of parenting their own child.

If this is truly out of character, you need marriage counseling to gain better skills in handling disagreements. It seems to have escalated quickly, and neither of you handled what should have been a minor disagreement well at all.

Also, explain to him that pregnant women have been picking up toddlers since time immemorial and the baby was never in any danger.

@J0S

That sounds horrendous, glad you got away

I don't understand why the event of you stopping a 3.5 year old little child from falling resulted in him shouting and berating you for hours. Am I right in thinking he saw you twist to catch the child and this was meant to have been a misdemeanor on your part? Did you cry out loudly in pain or something and that triggered his attention or is he always watching your every pregnant movement like a hawk?

Honestly he sounds quite deranged. I do not know what you can do about that - but please be clear, his behaviour is not normal - that knowledge might help you to make decisions.

By the way - do not worry about lifting the child. Don't forget that women usually have more than one child and they routinely lift the others up whilst pregnant.