DH is a harsh parent, or am I too soft?

[cactusmama]

We have DS 13, DS 10, DD 4. All our bio children together. This is what our home is like...

DH only allows screen time on weekends for an hour. I used to push back on this but he convinced me their behavior is awful when they have more. I do think there should be limits but no phone for a 13 yo seems mean. What's the harm in him texting with school mates or our 10 yo playing fortnite for a little while after school once a week?

He doesn't like them having sleepovers so prefer no mates round. When I put my foot down and let them have a sleepover he gets arsey. His reason is he doesn't want other kids here when he just wants to relax.

He put a lock on the outside of the bathroom door. His reason is our 13 yo takes too long in there. He says "i know what he's doing in there as I was a young lad before." Ok maybe he is doing that and yes it can be inconvenient when we need to get in the bathroom. But isn't a lock taking it too far?! He hasn't used the key to it but uses it more as a threat to get him to come out. It's been a big argument between me and him and DS for a few weeks.

He's not nearly as harsh with DD. But he does sometimes expect her to be able to do things that are beyond her years. He says I'm too soft on them and they'll be terrible adults if they don't have discipline. But his feels over the top or am I over reacting?

Does your DH allow himself time to mindlessly scroll on his phone, or to call a friend, or to looks at the sports results etc?

He's going to alienate his children if he's not careful

Sorry but he sounds awful - your poor kids! he locks the bathroom door from the outside?! I personally don’t agree with Fortnite for a 10 year old but that’s your choice - the rest of the rules tho?! No. Poor kids. Has he any redeeming qualities?

Lock outside of the bathroom door?!

I'm with him on the screen time. Not the realist of it though that doesn't sound like a good childhood

He sounds like a tyrant. Why do his rules prevail?

Your children will either rebel or resort to sneaky behaviour.

What is the use of a lock on the outside of a bathroom door? To lock people in or prevent them using it?

Your dc are gonna fucking hate him real soon....

The teen needs a sliding lock on the inside of his bedroom door for privacy.

Not having WhatsApp is likely to impact your DSs social life it's how they organise meeting up

Do your children get to spend time with other children outside of school?

Could you have a teen den in the garden for friends to go into? Is he allowed to visit others, how does he organise this without a phone? You can buy dumb Nokia's that have WhatsApp as their cheap 'social' phone.

Otherwise you are going to have disciplined children with no social skills who don't want to spend time at home and struggle to socialise in the workplace.

They’ll learn to do things behind his back. I am all for boundaries but this is too much.

The bathroom lock is abusive IMO

you have no not given examples really of your softness . But his harshness , yes it’s outrageous that he has a lock on the door. Such an invasion of privacy!

But based on what you say he sounds pretty nuts.

So he threatens to lock them in the bathroom for taking too long in said bathroom and preventing anyone else using it?! How does that free up the bathroom? Or have I read that wrong?

I couldn’t be arsed with someone like this. Why are his parenting opinions more important/valid than yours? Surely you should discuss stuff and come to a compromise together. Just because he thinks things should be a certain way that doesn’t mean they get to be that way, what are your thoughts on it? If you don’t agree with it, it doesn’t happen. Stand up for your kids.

Does he implement ‘rules’ for you too?

Sounds awful

He is a terrible adult
Some role model
What are his good points?

No that does sound awful.

Kids use technology for friendship now, your dc will miss out with such a limitation. Screen time limits are good, but I'd say an hour daily not weekly. Plus they'll need it for school, all my dd's homework etc is done via laptops, iPads and phones

No sleep overs, I get it, I don't like other children in my house but it's also my dc home so I compromise now and again for her.

The lock in the bathroom door is disgraceful. Does he think your ds is wanking in there? If so, so what! It's what teenage boys do, he'll do it in his bedroom otherwise. What happens if they are ill and need the loo?

Your dh will end up alienating his dc at this rate and have no relationship with them. I'm all for putting boundaries in place, but your dh is taking it too far.

My mum was strict like this (the no sleepovers and locks on the bathroom doors in particular)

We dont see either of my parents nowadays, any of my siblings

Don't make the mistake of thinking that your children will think you are okay when they grow up and realise how off this behaviour is. We blame my Dad for enabling her behaviour.

The lock on the bathroom door is so wrong. He remembers when he was a growing boy so he should allow his son his privacy. Poor lad.

Your DH is abusive. What does he plan on doing when your DD needs privacy in future years as a teenage girl, periods etc? And your son deserves privacy now, regardless.

Once your kids leave for uni, they are not going to want to visit you ever. Sounds worse than prison tbh and your kids must be miserable.

The lock on the bathroom door is verging on abuse....

How does putting a lock on the outside of the bathroom door help? Does he lock the door if he thinks they have taken too long? If he does then that is horrible behaviour.
You need to stand up for your children, with a father like that they will need you more than ever.

He sounds like quite a bully tbh, why the hell are you entertaining his weird ideas? Is he struggling to have control over other areas of his life, like work, and therefore misdirecting his frustration by bribg a control freak at home?

I'm with him that too much screen time is detrimental, though I'd relax a bit more than an hour once a week. The rest sounds awful. No friends around, no sleepovers? And the lock on the bathroom door is extremely weird. Does he intend to lock the children out of the bathroom as punishment for spending too much time there? That is abusive.

Why does his rules go? Why isn’t it a discussion? Your poor older child, he will be missing out a lot socially and how will he learn how to use a phone responsibly?

I bought a bathroom door which can be unlocked on the outside but only because I have young children and it’s only been used from the outside once to free a child who had accidentally locked themselves in. I would only use it in this circumstance.

But isn't a lock taking it too far?! He hasn't used the key to it but uses it more as a threat to get him to come out.

You say you've been arguing about this, keep going, back up your children and make sure they know that's what you're doing, because from what I can gather if they don't hate their dad already they will very soon.

What is he doing to build a relationship with them, especially your teen? Your gut is right, he's getting it very wrong.