DH is a harsh parent, or am I too soft?

[cactusmama]

We have DS 13, DS 10, DD 4. All our bio children together. This is what our home is like...

DH only allows screen time on weekends for an hour. I used to push back on this but he convinced me their behavior is awful when they have more. I do think there should be limits but no phone for a 13 yo seems mean. What's the harm in him texting with school mates or our 10 yo playing fortnite for a little while after school once a week?

He doesn't like them having sleepovers so prefer no mates round. When I put my foot down and let them have a sleepover he gets arsey. His reason is he doesn't want other kids here when he just wants to relax.

He put a lock on the outside of the bathroom door. His reason is our 13 yo takes too long in there. He says "i know what he's doing in there as I was a young lad before." Ok maybe he is doing that and yes it can be inconvenient when we need to get in the bathroom. But isn't a lock taking it too far?! He hasn't used the key to it but uses it more as a threat to get him to come out. It's been a big argument between me and him and DS for a few weeks.

He's not nearly as harsh with DD. But he does sometimes expect her to be able to do things that are beyond her years. He says I'm too soft on them and they'll be terrible adults if they don't have discipline. But his feels over the top or am I over reacting?

He sounds awful. My dh had a habit of laying down the law when our dc were small and I mostly went along with it because I was young and didn't have confidence in my parenting abilities, and I really regret it now. I would suggest to him that you do a parenting course together to work out these issues between you so that you don't keep arguing about them. I am sure it will soon become very apparent that he is being selfish and over controlling with the dc, and he might actually learn something useful. If he refuses then do one yourself or do some research so when he lays down the law you can say actually dh that is not correct/outdated/whatever with facts statistics etc to back up your argument. There is no easy answer though, good luck.

Phones can cause issues but surely no phone is a but mean. Mine organise their footie practises on what app, phone me if they are late or stuck somewhere. Surely he could have a none smart phone if its an issue

@TruJay So he threatens to lock them in the bathroom for taking too long in said bathroom and preventing anyone else using it?! How does that free up the bathroom? Or have I read that wrong?

I read it as the door is locked when it’s vacant and they have to ask to be allowed in, therefore their time in there is monitored.

I would not tolerate this. I would tell him that it is your children's home too and they will be having their friends over, remove the lock on the bathroom door and tell him his behaviour is abusive and the lock will not be replaced, and then tell him there will be a discussion about screen time this week during which all parties regardless of age will be sharing their views, and then a compromise will be agreed.

Screen time - not unreasonable
Sleepovers - not unreasonable at the moment.
Lock on the bathroom door - absolutely awful! Who does that ☹️.

He sounds really miserable and controlling. I bet everyone loves it when he goes out.

Screen time limits are fine, although at 13 I'd allow an hour a day midweek if all homework and chores get done. You could argue the point with him that hour job as parents is to build good habits rather than totally restrict and make it taboo and exciting.

Locking or threatening to lock your kids out of the bathroom is unacceptable and if he ever followed through on locking them out I hope you would lock the prick out of the house.

I think it's mean of him to not allow other children over but it's an easy way to make your own kids feel unwelcome and desperate to leave home as soon as they can.

So mixed bag in my opinion. Sounds a bit like your dh likes to be in control and I'm not sure I could put up with that. Parenting should be about making joint decisions after discussing differences of opinion.

What everyone else says.
The bathroom door lock is abusive, and the isolating of your teenager is bordering on abuse. You both should be facilitating your children’s normal social development and behaviour, and their increasing right to privacy, which your controlling husband is not allowing.
If they do not want anything to do with him (and you for colluding with his control) when they are adults, don’t be surprised.

What would happen to you, @cactusmama if you took a screwdriver and removed the lock from the bathroom door?

1 hour of screen time at the weekend is fine for a 4yo, it's weird for the older two though, especially a teenager.

Lock on the outside of the bathroom does not seem on. A teenager needs privacy in the bathroom. And no sleepovers is mean.

Yes I do think he's too controlling and needs to lighten up a bit. I think the teen years have the potential to be very rocky if he doesn't. Would he read parenting books?

good on him on screen time. I wish we had set these boundaries.... the bathroom lock is a different story.

Abusive

Screen time - not unreasonable

a 13yo who is allowed phone for 1 hour on weekends will be totally isolated from his friends. Very unreasonable in my book.

Personally I agree with restrictions on screen time, but in the larger context of the rest of your husband's behaviour it might be that he is doing this for control rather than their welfare?
No sleepovers because he wants to relax seems unfair, I wouldn't want them every week but a total ban for his own comfort seems mean.
The lock on the bathroom door is a big red flag. Children & teenagers deserve a level of privacy and respect. Surely a conversation about him understanding that you all need time to use the bathroom could have solved this without threats & a lock?

He sounds like a cunt.

We have screen time restrictions for 12yo DD but an hour at the weekend for a 13yo is ridiculous. the rest of it I don't even know where to start.

I would go as far as to say he’s actually being abusive. He’s isolating your kids - especially the older ones- from their friends by banning screen time so much. That’s how they all socialise now. And bathroom thing is horrible and just bloody weird. If you put up with this you’re complicit in this horrible stuff. Your dc deserve to have a home they can relax in.

The lock is to threaten to open the door if he doesn't hurry up and come out of the bathroom. My softness is basically being against this rule.

Criminals in prison have more freedom

@cactusmama

another poster summed it up: he's a cunt.

your kids will think so too & if you let him rule they'll think as much of you.

WTAF is the bathroom lock all about. It would have been removed immediately in my house. Just no fucking way!!

some kids do need boundaries on screens, but that's utterly ridiculous!!

I couldn't live with such a controlling min fuck idiot & I wouldn't inflict him on my kids!!

Agree on screen time and fortnite for a 10 year old not ok in my opinion. The rest is bonkers and I would put my foot down, he doesnt get the last say on everything.

I'm a school safeguarding lead. If your poor ds came to talk to me about his awful Dad, I'd be calling through to social care.
The bathroom lock rule is awful, really disturbing, your poor son.

And yep, let me guess, your 'd'h spends hours doom scrolling on his phone?

Threats should NEVER be used with your children. It's never okay to try and control them through fear.

Pretty much

No fortnite, fair enough I just used it as an example. I admit I don't know much about games and will look into more appropriate. But even bloody pokemon is out of question on a week day.

What all PP have said. I'd also be worried that he is projecting onto to his 13 year old son and freaking out about the fact he may be having entirely normal sexual impulses. This is troublingly weird behaviour. If he's like that with the boy, I'd be really worried about how controlling he'll be with girls when they hit puberty. I'm guess he'll say no to make up, to any clothes he thinks are "inappropriate" and certainly to having a boyfriend. There are kids who live in cultures where parents have this level of control, but it's not the case in modern Britain.