DH is a harsh parent, or am I too soft?

[cactusmama]

We have DS 13, DS 10, DD 4. All our bio children together. This is what our home is like...

DH only allows screen time on weekends for an hour. I used to push back on this but he convinced me their behavior is awful when they have more. I do think there should be limits but no phone for a 13 yo seems mean. What's the harm in him texting with school mates or our 10 yo playing fortnite for a little while after school once a week?

He doesn't like them having sleepovers so prefer no mates round. When I put my foot down and let them have a sleepover he gets arsey. His reason is he doesn't want other kids here when he just wants to relax.

He put a lock on the outside of the bathroom door. His reason is our 13 yo takes too long in there. He says "i know what he's doing in there as I was a young lad before." Ok maybe he is doing that and yes it can be inconvenient when we need to get in the bathroom. But isn't a lock taking it too far?! He hasn't used the key to it but uses it more as a threat to get him to come out. It's been a big argument between me and him and DS for a few weeks.

He's not nearly as harsh with DD. But he does sometimes expect her to be able to do things that are beyond her years. He says I'm too soft on them and they'll be terrible adults if they don't have discipline. But his feels over the top or am I over reacting?

Your house sounds like a miserable place. What a sad way to live.

He’s an abuser.

Yes, it absolutely is. He's an arse.

I agree with all the others that your DH is abusive and controlling - both to you and his children.

If you stay with him and this continues I can pretty much guarantee that your DC will go off the rails in rebellion and as adults won't bother see you.

As someone who has dealt with teenagers for over 30 years he is an appalling example of how NOT to treat teens if you want decent behaviour from them. If you want open rebellion, vaping, drug taking, refusing to come home at night, hanging out with a gang, and all of the other things teens do when they have a controlling parent like him then he's going absolutely the right way to ensure this is the most likely outcome for your kids.

The screen time rules are very strict, I'd say too strict HOWEVER harms of screens well documented and your children do not NEED copious screen time. My children are younger and my DPs were fairly strict on screen time but not as much as what you describe. We aren't that strict either but screens in our house so far is purely telly, i can see good arguments for severely restricting teenagers access to internet tbh and it keeps them safe. And the limited screen time is certainly not harmful in any way.

The external bathroom door lock threat sounds pretty bonkers but again I can't see how it's actually harmful at all.

Not exactly how I'd parent but couldn't get worked up about any of it.

Oh and sleepovers also fine. I wasn't allowed them as a child either and a good few of my friends were in the same position. We won't be allowing them either. Perfectly reasonable for safeguarding reasons.

Honestly he sounds awful.

Did he want children?

I get the feeling he didn't really, as he's not prepared to put their needs before his own and is of the "Children Should Be Seen And Not Heard" persuasion from last century.

The lock thing is particularly awful. What if someone has a tummy upset. People need privacy. How could he be so horrible?

And what's wrong with the boy having a bit of me time to do what boys do to himself anyway? Nobody ever died of wanking!
Does your husband have erectile dysfunction or something that's this is triggering for him? If not he should butt out of the boys private business.

Why do you put up with this?

It's not that you're not strong enough to parent it's that he's a cruel, weirdo from the last century. He's a dictator and he's doing it to you too. What have you fought back k on AND WON?

I'm really sorry but those poor kids. You need to woman up and get him told that a lock on the outside of the bathroom is unacceptable. And from now on the rule is that anyone wanting to be in there a while or having a long bath shaving etc just has to check nobody else needs a quick pee first and then take all the time they need.

With regard to screens I get his point if the kids behaviour is indeed worse. but I think an halfhour or hour a night is perfect try normal to keep friendship groups and socialise. It's not the 1800s.

Do you have any say about anything?

Honestly I'd get my ducks in a row and leave. The kids only have one childhood and theirs doesn't sound much fun. Neither does your life. Sorry OP.

I actually feel really sorry for the dc having no privacy. Just awful. If a teenager wants to masturbate in the shower so bloody what!! Your dh has some serious issues.

Well, I've sometimes told my DH he is too soft with our children, but nothing you said is anything like what I have in mind. Children need to be brought up in the real world in my opinion. Fair enough, limit screen time but not to that extent. The 13 and 10 year olds may get bullied or ignored by peers for not being able to communicate with their friends. And hassling someone over their use of the bathroom is awful - I mean hours would be unacceptable of course but otherwise. He's not going tp stop 13 yo shenanigans by limiting toilet use anyway.

Yes, it is. https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/beyond-cultural-competence/202304/5-emotionally-abusive-uses-of-the-silent-treatment Read this.

And hate and laugh at him later.
Give it time.
😡

Wow. Your DH sounds awful. Abusing all of you. I'd be doing everything I could to get me and my children away from this controlling behaviour. Your poor, poor kids. And poor you for not even realising how badly you're all being treated.

1. I'd be insisting that he sets an example. If they can't have screen time, neither can he. If he says it's relaxing, well it would be relaxing for them too.
2. I'd be removing the lock on the bathroom door. And I wouldn't give one shiny shit that he would stop talking to me. Sounds as if he talks shite anyway, so I'd probably find it a relief.
3. Think about what future you want for yourself and your children. It may or may not include your current husband.

You need to resolve these issues for your children this isn’t fair he said he was a young lad once, he was given the time and space to have the privacy he as a young lad needed . He’s choosing to humiliate his son and scare him into compliance this issue needs attention now. The others are him being controlling if he abides by the same rules sees no friends hour of tv no phone then that’s different maybe discuss these being changed. Try to do days out without husband inviting a friend at a time on rotating system. I agree with others he’s an awful tyrant.

As is so often the case on threads like thse, I bet this is just the tip of the iceberg of controlling and abusive behaviours. OP you've already let one slip that you simply never even considered was abusive - him using silent treatment as a way to ensure that you always do what he wants. I bet there are loads more.

What exactly does he expect the DC to do when they'r enot on screens? Especially as they're not allowed sleepovers? I'm guessing the 13 year old isn't allowed out all that much overall either? Do they have friends? HOw are they supposed to maintain friendships if they can't spend time with their friends, in real life or online?

What other behaviours are problematic? I bet there are lots. Does he enforce what extracurricular the DC can do and insist they stick with these even when they're not interested?

What about for you - do you have to think carefully before choosing meals to cook or agreeing to attend external social events without him? Do you feel nervous when he's on his way home in case you haven't done something right (eg is the house to the right level of cleanliness, are the children dressed appropriately, is dinner ready etc etc etc). Do you hide purchases because he'll melt down?

He sounds truly awful. And your children will not thank you for not standing up to him.

Ew this is rough. Fortnite no for a ten year old but your 13 year old should be allowed to use a phone that is supervised and monitored for his safety. Ie - screen time monitors, parental controls, filters for unsavoury content. Bathroom door is abusive, your child has a right to their privacy. And what's so wrong with him doing that in the bathroom anyway? Normal part of growing up in my opinion, your husband should understand this. Sounds awful

Sounds awful, why have you not stood up to him before.

You've been worn down into thinking this is normal behaviour. It is not.
He's controlling and doesn't view you as an equal.

You should have equal say in parenting and setting house hold rules he is clearly not allowing that.

You DH sounds like a controlling, nasty bastard.

I agree with the majority.

Limiting screen time is good, BUT so much socialising is done via gaming. When DS was late primary/early secondary, his Xbox was on a timer so it would work from 5.00 p.m. until an hour before bedtime. Generally this worked OK for him. Also "screen time" can mean lots of different things to different people. DS struggled academically at school, but find something he was interested in and the internet and YouTube was a mine of information for him. I was astounded one day when he had a very in depth conversation with his great uncle about WW2 bombers. His knowledge was amazing!

I can't comment on sleepovers as DS didn't like them, and didn't want anybody in his room. But had he wanted them, I would have agreed to them at weekends.

The bathroom lock is so wrong on many levels. Your older DS needs privacy at his age, and making comments about wanking and making it "dirty" is so wrong. How on earth will your children feel able to discuss any issues around sex/girlfriends/boyfriends? Or about anything, really. They aren't going to feel they have understanding parents.

I think you need to intervene before it becomes to late.

Why are you allowing this??

There is no way I would allow anyone to put a lock on the bathroom door to stop my DD spending so much time in there.

He sounds like a controlling bully who needs to get his power trip from the only people who he can control.

Vile man.

I think he's going bit ott , I understand what he means re too much screen time, even I've had to put limits in place. But trust me he won't be able to control that when they are older and they will probably crave it even more and become sneaky with it

My god your kids will hate him soon! I think 13 is fine to have a little extra screen time, especially if its linked to out of school activity or sports or friendship groups.

He is being a total prick about sleep overs - sulking because the kids have friends over - how old is he 12???

The bathroom lock thing - I would have stopped, how dare he invade his kid’s privacy in that way especially the older children. What a bully!!

To add... the bathroom lock wow ... I question those motives even more so than the screen time

Your DH is not fit to be a parent and if you stay with him you will both lose contact with your kids as soon as they are old enough to choose.

If you do choose to stay you have to, at the very least, start advocating for them so that they can grow up with at least one parent that is standing up for them and showing them that their dad is just a power hungry mini-Hitler. Nobody they should look up to. At least then, when they leave home, they have a more balanced view and will possibly be a little less affected by this authoritarian upbringing.