DH is a harsh parent, or am I too soft?

[cactusmama]

We have DS 13, DS 10, DD 4. All our bio children together. This is what our home is like...

DH only allows screen time on weekends for an hour. I used to push back on this but he convinced me their behavior is awful when they have more. I do think there should be limits but no phone for a 13 yo seems mean. What's the harm in him texting with school mates or our 10 yo playing fortnite for a little while after school once a week?

He doesn't like them having sleepovers so prefer no mates round. When I put my foot down and let them have a sleepover he gets arsey. His reason is he doesn't want other kids here when he just wants to relax.

He put a lock on the outside of the bathroom door. His reason is our 13 yo takes too long in there. He says "i know what he's doing in there as I was a young lad before." Ok maybe he is doing that and yes it can be inconvenient when we need to get in the bathroom. But isn't a lock taking it too far?! He hasn't used the key to it but uses it more as a threat to get him to come out. It's been a big argument between me and him and DS for a few weeks.

He's not nearly as harsh with DD. But he does sometimes expect her to be able to do things that are beyond her years. He says I'm too soft on them and they'll be terrible adults if they don't have discipline. But his feels over the top or am I over reacting?

he is controlling and abusive. your kids will grow up hateing both of you. get out while you can.

School might be interested to hear about the lock on the bathroom door for safeguarding purposes.

When you say screen time, is that for games/chat or everything? How does the eldest get their homework done?

Exactly what I was going to say...

In this case I agree that it’s him being abusive but the silent treatment can also be a response when you are being abused. A lot of abused people who are being coerced or controlled use this when they aren’t feeling strong enough to challenge or can’t wrap their head around what’s happening.

Agreed, but the article does address different sorts of silent treatment. The one the OP is experiencing - silent treatment as punishment for non-compliance - is described very well in it, hence my choice.

I don’t like any of this, sorry OP..
screen time is how teenagers communicate- he’s cutting him off from his friends.
sleepovers I can get behind but he needs to have friends over at some point.
the lock on the outside of the door is horrifying. Poor kid. He needs privacy and time to do his business!

He’s an adult though so it isn’t the same.

What a misery. I get that screen time should be controlled but something more reasonable like an hour or 2 after school once homework is done for your eldest.
He sounds like old fashioned dad who the kids will just want to get away from.
No sleepovers no gadgets no fun.
Does he play with kids instead then? Take them to sports or out to the park in the evening?
Why have a family if you just want to pretend they aren't living there so your peace and quiet isn't disrupted!

Why is he making all the rules? You are both parents, you discuss and make the rules together. The bathroom door lock is really unpleasant, making your 13 son stressed and uncomfortable using the bathroom 😳 not allowing sleepovers and the ban on tech sounds pretty controlling too. In my experience, kids with disciplinarian parents like this just get very good at being sneaky in order to do what they want!

Poor kids. This is abusive I hope school hear about the lock and report it to SS.

For balance I have a teen who spends AGES in the loo. And as a joke we gave him a poo timer in his stocking!

Your husband is controlling and is setting himself up for a lonely retirement.

If I knew who you were, I'd report your family to SS

It's concerning you don't realise that what he is doing is abusive at worst and controlling at best

I grew up with a controlling and mean Mother. And a weak Father who couldn’t stand up to her and enabled her treating us cruelly/selfishly.

I left at 18 to go to uni, moved far away and never looked back. I now barely see or talk to either of them and they only see their grandchildren around once a year. Is this the life you want with your children in the future?

The bathroom door lock on the outside is harmful. Privacy when using the bathroom is a basic right. I would leave my DH if he tried to do that to our girls. Even at their very young age I reinforce to them that they are entitled to privacy.

How long does your other half spend in the bathroom?

I find his comment really weird. Why on earth would that even enter his mind.

@cactusmama I'm sorry that he treats you this way. I hope you will stand up to him anyway & take that stupid lock away.

Are you in the UK?

Most bathrooms locks are openable from the outside - just use a spoon/knife and yes if it's the one bathroom in the house between 5 then I can see his point

Screen time is very strict for 2024 but I wish I could be stricter with my kids

Sleep overs - I hate them too - after working all week I don't particularly want other kids in my home

My father was like this man. It’s not about bathroom usage impacting others - it’s about:

1. control
2. a certain about of joy he derives from the idea of making his son nervous about if he will or won’t open the door.

same with sleepovers - this isn’t to do with safeguarding concerns, it’s to do with control exerted over his son and taking something away from.

screen time too.

this man is abusive and I don’t understand OP why you are allowing him to do this.

I hadn't actually read the article, so sorry for jumping in like this. The reason I did is because I was in the position of being abused and would often become silent/give the silent treatment when it got too much and then my ex would tell me that I was the abusive one because I avoided contact with him so I always feel the need to clarify when people say that the silent treatment is abusive. Should have read the article in this case though.

But it’s not all about you, what do your children need and want, are they just props.

Absolutely this!!

Please listen to this poster who has lived experience.

This is not ok and you know it’s not ok, else you wouldn’t have made a thread about it.

You have been manipulated by this man to think that what he’s doing is normal and caring/being a responsible parent but you have that voice inside you telling you that this isn’t right.
Please listen to your gut instinct.

It's all a bit extreme and over the top. I think everything is okay in moderation. There's nothing wrong with half an hour screen time after homework is done. My two are 4 and 5. They are allowed to play educational games like math seed or reading eggs while I cook. They need to learn to use technology responsibility because it's a huge part of their worlds. A blanket ban isn't teaching them that.

I think the 13 year old should have a brick phone. Id check it regularly but they should be able to communicate with their friend. If they are responsible then maybe a smart phone next year.

Your husband's control is not good from their growth and personal development.

The bathroom issue is ridiculous. He needs to leave the boy to get on with what 13 year old boys get in with. He knows he did it and I'm sure nothing stopped him. It's a part of growing up. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Again, it's about teaching responsibility. The bathroom is snt just for him so he needs to make sure it's clean for others to use. Although, better still he should use his own space for that. I bet he isn't allowed to shut the door or something equally ridiculous and controlling.

This sounds like a frightening household to live in. The children need better, you deserve better. Please confide in a trusted friend of family member.

This is a really upsetting thread.