DH is a harsh parent, or am I too soft?

[cactusmama]

We have DS 13, DS 10, DD 4. All our bio children together. This is what our home is like...

DH only allows screen time on weekends for an hour. I used to push back on this but he convinced me their behavior is awful when they have more. I do think there should be limits but no phone for a 13 yo seems mean. What's the harm in him texting with school mates or our 10 yo playing fortnite for a little while after school once a week?

He doesn't like them having sleepovers so prefer no mates round. When I put my foot down and let them have a sleepover he gets arsey. His reason is he doesn't want other kids here when he just wants to relax.

He put a lock on the outside of the bathroom door. His reason is our 13 yo takes too long in there. He says "i know what he's doing in there as I was a young lad before." Ok maybe he is doing that and yes it can be inconvenient when we need to get in the bathroom. But isn't a lock taking it too far?! He hasn't used the key to it but uses it more as a threat to get him to come out. It's been a big argument between me and him and DS for a few weeks.

He's not nearly as harsh with DD. But he does sometimes expect her to be able to do things that are beyond her years. He says I'm too soft on them and they'll be terrible adults if they don't have discipline. But his feels over the top or am I over reacting?

I still don't understand this lock business. Surely he can just fling open the bathroom door and tell them to hurry up - where does the outside lock come into it?

He's awful and abusive. I'm surprised you can't see this.

I didn't let mine play fortnite until they were 12.
Does your 13 year old have friends over? Go to others houses? Meet up with friends? If so how does he organise this if he has no phone?
If he still has a busy and active social life I wouldn't be too worried about the screen ban.

I'm guessing the lock is now openable from both sides and the dad is threatening to come in when the son is on the toilet/in the bath giving him no privacy

He isn't harsh, he's selfish.

These rules are clearly about his convenience being prioritised over the dc's needs.

Blocking normal socialisation, threatening to come in when they are in the bathroom, making you feel you have to fight to have the DC do normal things - these are all emotionally abusive.

The lock thing is unbelievably fucked up. Way to create an atmosphere of shame and fear around your teenage son and his sexual development. Honestly what the fuck?

I would leave my husband if they did this. Im
not exaggerating its perverse and controlling.

Fucking Hell he sounds awful OP.

Fil also didn't want his children to have kids in the house because he wanted to relax. My dh is in his 50s and still remembers it - not fondly. He was a very selfish man.

Why is he the boss of the house?

If my DH pulled a trick like that, putting a lock on the outside of the bathroom door, I'd change the house locks & not give him a key. Abusive behaviour. Your poor DC. What would happen if you took the lock away & allowed more phone/screen time?

This. He says he's taking too long because he's doing what teenage boys do and we all need to use the room. I admit he takes a long time but that isn't the solution to me.

He sounds like a controlling arsehole. Your kids will grow up and go no or low contact with him(and maybe you for allowing their father to treat them poorly).

What a horrible parent he is. Those poor children, honestly I literally couldn't look at a human being who treats their children like that. What kind of f**ed up childhood did he have that he thinks this is acceptable ?

Why does he get to dictate over you? I take it the lock on the outside is so that he can gain access to the bathroom if he thinks your son is having wank?
I couldn't live this and wouldn't subject my kids either. I'd make sure they had at least 50% of their time away from this tyrant by leaving him.

Probably be arsey and stop talking to me for a few days. Only answering with yes and no at the most. Then when he talks again he'll tell me I'm too soft. I'm getting to a point I don't want to talk to him anyway so might just do it anyway.

I should think they already do - he sounds absolutely vile.
Who made him everyone’s boss?

You do know that silent treatment is also a form of abuse, don't you? So he is a tyrant and he is abusive to you.

Is it?

Yeah my mum used to walk in on us if we took more than 5 mins in the shower, to shame us, so very similar

I'm going to sound harsh, but do you like your children? Do you want to be in their adult lives? Do you want to know your grandchildren?

Because if you put up with this and allow this to happen, you are going to potentially miss out on a significant part of your children's lives. And you risk being that poster whose children won't risk letting their children visit because they know their father is abusive and inappropriate. That's if your children carry on speaking to you at all after they leave home.

Your husband is controlling and abusive to the children and you.

When the kids are adults and remember his abusive behaviour they will also remember you allowed it. If you don't nip this in the bud you will be totally alienated from your kids when they grow up.

You’re both the parents, you should be agreeing rules and expectations together.

I honestly think your children will not only look back at their childhood as being unhappy but like many with control freak parents before them, will put distance between themselves and their father (and you) the first chance they get. Or worse, think this kind of thing is normal and end up with a controlling aka abusive partner because they don’t know any better.

Threatening to lock someone in the bathroom because they’re “taking too long”? If one of them mentions that at school it’s going to ring alarm bells I’m sure.

It’s the kids with parents like this who usually go off the rails, or hide things. Even my teenage dd knows this as she sees it in some of her peers.

He sounds like a total arse. I think you need to put your foot down more.

A lock on the outside of the bathroom door is awful. It's unnecessary, and most bathroom door locks are designed to be openable from the outside anyway in an emergency - you just put a coin or a decent sized flathead screwdriver in the slot.

He sounds like a bully op. Please stand up to him.

@cactusmama

How are you putting up with this shit? You will end up with your adult children never visiting because they hate their father. This means if they have children, you may not be in your grandchildren's lives. Do something.