DH is a harsh parent, or am I too soft?

[cactusmama]

We have DS 13, DS 10, DD 4. All our bio children together. This is what our home is like...

DH only allows screen time on weekends for an hour. I used to push back on this but he convinced me their behavior is awful when they have more. I do think there should be limits but no phone for a 13 yo seems mean. What's the harm in him texting with school mates or our 10 yo playing fortnite for a little while after school once a week?

He doesn't like them having sleepovers so prefer no mates round. When I put my foot down and let them have a sleepover he gets arsey. His reason is he doesn't want other kids here when he just wants to relax.

He put a lock on the outside of the bathroom door. His reason is our 13 yo takes too long in there. He says "i know what he's doing in there as I was a young lad before." Ok maybe he is doing that and yes it can be inconvenient when we need to get in the bathroom. But isn't a lock taking it too far?! He hasn't used the key to it but uses it more as a threat to get him to come out. It's been a big argument between me and him and DS for a few weeks.

He's not nearly as harsh with DD. But he does sometimes expect her to be able to do things that are beyond her years. He says I'm too soft on them and they'll be terrible adults if they don't have discipline. But his feels over the top or am I over reacting?

Harsh parent ... he's a monster
Your children will end up hating him.
That's definitely not a happy home.

This is horrible reading. I’m strict but not abusive - and this is what it is (the lock outside the bathroom door, particularly). And as per pp, yes, not speaking to you for a couple of days is abusive towards you too.

This. He sounds awful.

People who think DH is using the lock to lock the son in are missing the actual sadistic pleasure is he getting out of being a menacing threat and fucking up his son’s sexual and emotional development.

He is not threatening to lock him in. The threat is the sword of Damocles, that he will, at any time of his choosing, throw open the door and say “gotcha” to his masturbating teenager.

I knew this as soon as I saw about the lock because I know this type of man (as I said, my father was this style of man). It’s made me feel physically unwell, imagining being in your son’s shoes and how he must feel about this situation in particular.

this man is a bully and you need to leave. At the very least you need to remove the lock and let them spend time communicating with friends.

Oh my, is he a parent or a concentration camp guard? Why oh why are some parents like this? This makes me so sad for your children.
Awful man.

i feel sorry for your DC as he sounds really bossy and uncompromising. However on the phone ping, get the 13 year old a dumb phone, without apps etc so he can text his friends

And let him have access to WhatsApp on your phone so you can monitor but he can be involved socially

Threatening to lock someone in the bathroom is appalling. If he did ever follow through and do this, there is a criminal offence called ‘false imprisonment’ that he could be charged with should your son decide to peruse this and social services would also probably be involved.
Is he this controlling of you too?
if it were my husband, I would remove the lock myself and tell him that is not happening in any house you live in. You need to decide which issues are important to you ( for me it would be the lock and the sleepovers) and stand up to him.

He sounds incredibly controlling. The silent treatment is also a text book domestic abuse tool designed to manipulate the victim in to accepting what the perpetrator wants the to do by punishing them and making life difficult when they’re not compliant. This image can be helpful in terms of thinking about other abusive behaviour.

You have to stand up to him OP. Don’t be one of those mousey little mothers who urges their children to tiptoe round their father. I still don’t quite understand the lock on the bathroom door but I know that it’s wrong. The aversion to sleepovers is more understandable but teenagers have to be allowed to develop an independent social life, and phones are a big part of this.

He’s a petty tyrant, and now you’ve realised this you have to act.

He sounds like quite a nasty man tbh. What do you see in him?

This is abuse and whilst you may be a victim too, for as long as you allow this to continue you are complicit in his behavior towards your children. Please seek help through Women's Aid or other similar charities and get the support you need for you and your children to leave this environment.

He is horrible and a bully to your children! I'm appalled. Please leave him. He is not normal at all!

Without apps?! FFS. Some of the people on here just don't live in the real world.

Yes I hate social media and the fact that everyone is on their phones 24/7 but think about it. We used to have telephones (landlines!), magazines, adverts, quiz / puzzle books etc. From the late 80s / 90s we had computer games and then internet chat rooms and messaging sites. All of this leading up to where we are now where literally EVERYTHING is on smart phones. You might not like it and not want to accept it but that is the world we live in and it will not change. To stop a 13 year old having access to any of it is not healthy at all. Screen time and some monitoring, yes. Complete blanket ban and cutting off all interactions with their friends and the wider world, no.

Also, growing up with technology is important these days and it helps to be intuitive with it from starting at an early age. How are they going to cope at work? They could easily be disadvantaged, let alone miss out on STEM careers.

They will also miss cultural references from their youth as well as the opportunity to watch and note relationships and behaviours.

I can't imagine- as a teenager- going to the bathroom and worrying that someone is going to unlock it from the outside- that's horrific.

Screen time boundaries are fair enough but his are too harsh- it will affect them socially which isn't fair.

He's far too strict.

I actually think the Dh is a pervert, he plainly wants to catch his teen son masturbating, I think he has some deep seated issues around this and will pass this on to the boy by threatening to open the door. What would his reaction be to catching him would certainly worry me as mother. None of this is normal. We all know hat this is what young boys do but as parents we know that it dosent need mentioning.

IMO, not allowing a 13yo to use the phone at all during the week (and hour over weekend) is abusive. Children don't just sit there mindlessly doomscrolling, all their social interactions with friends are through various apps nowadays. Combine this with no sleepovers and dislike of having friends over in general, and he is effectively isolating the kids.

First time I have ever said this on MN, you need to LTB.

It's no longer 1955. Your children deserve better and you owe it to them.

I wish I'd put those screen time limits in place when DC was younger! Although - does your DH spend that time in the evenings and weekends with them or facilitating them doing non-screen activities? If he's imposed the ban but he's also helping with homework and playing scrabble with them, or taking them on bike rides at weekends, fine. Idyllic even. If he's imposed the ban and it's your job to enforce it, absolutely not.

My DP tried to be much stricter with screen time in the evening but had to relax on it when I pointed out that this was all very well for the parent who comes in at 6pm for dinner and less fair on the one (me) who is also supervising homework, cooking, dealing with the moaning about being bored and hungry, trying to get laundry done etc. And because my DP isn't an arse, we negotiated a screen time balance we were both okay with.

The lock on the outside of the door is unacceptable. If your 13yo is spending too long in there wanking then you need to teach your 13yo to be more considerate of other people in the house needing to use the bathroom - but all you're currently doing is getting him to associate sexual arousal with fear, shame and the thrill of maybe being caught, which is not at all healthy for his future adult life.

He's threatening to burst into the bathroom to catch the poor lad with his dick in his hand?! That sounds really appalling. If there's issues with bathroom use, can't you set up a rota, so that a queue doesn't form in the mornings?
As for the rest of it, they'll just find ways round it. Especially as you're not on board with this level of discipline.
He'll learn he can't control them forever, when they totally fuck him off at the soonest opportunity.

He is very controlling and the kids will go wild the moment they are free or have moments of freedom. I had friends with parents like that, they were the first ones to be legless at a party with their heads in the toilet....

Read the screen time stuff and thought, OK, strict, but OK.

Locking the bathroom door from the outside is another thing though, weird and controlling. It is intrusive on your DS' privacy. How would you like to be in the bathroom worrying that someone was monitoring your every move.

And the "I know what he is doing in there"? Does he? Its weird.

My kids spend too long in our one bathroom, we just talk to them about it and call "hurry up please" through the door!

The screen time restrictions are nuts. A total of 1 hour per week to message friends and/or play video games? Honestly, a blanket ban would be more justifiable and less abusive than allowing the kids to own games but not play them for any meaningful time.

All while he spends hours per day on his own phone.

He clearly just gets off on the power he has over his family.

His standards and expectations are OTT.