DH is a harsh parent, or am I too soft?

[cactusmama]

We have DS 13, DS 10, DD 4. All our bio children together. This is what our home is like...

DH only allows screen time on weekends for an hour. I used to push back on this but he convinced me their behavior is awful when they have more. I do think there should be limits but no phone for a 13 yo seems mean. What's the harm in him texting with school mates or our 10 yo playing fortnite for a little while after school once a week?

He doesn't like them having sleepovers so prefer no mates round. When I put my foot down and let them have a sleepover he gets arsey. His reason is he doesn't want other kids here when he just wants to relax.

He put a lock on the outside of the bathroom door. His reason is our 13 yo takes too long in there. He says "i know what he's doing in there as I was a young lad before." Ok maybe he is doing that and yes it can be inconvenient when we need to get in the bathroom. But isn't a lock taking it too far?! He hasn't used the key to it but uses it more as a threat to get him to come out. It's been a big argument between me and him and DS for a few weeks.

He's not nearly as harsh with DD. But he does sometimes expect her to be able to do things that are beyond her years. He says I'm too soft on them and they'll be terrible adults if they don't have discipline. But his feels over the top or am I over reacting?

He's awful and id tell him to leave

Also, you should look into reactive abuse. Which is basically abusive behaviours but that are triggered by abuse. Reactive abuse is a very powerful tool for abusers to use to present themselves as the victim and it's true of all abusive behaviours from violence to silent treatment.

Your husband went to the effort of purchasing and fitting a new lock to the bathroom door with the sole purpose of being able to walk in on a child masturbating…. If this was your daughter he was so keen to burst in on and not your son would you be being so blasé about it?
He is controlling every aspect of everyone’s lives it seems.
What happens if you are too long in the bathroom? Are you allowed privacy?

Gosh hes awful when your kids leave home they aint coming back.

TBH id be leaving him i dont think i could stand it watching him act like king of the home.

What's the point of a lock.on outside of bathroom door? Is he stopping them from using the toilet by locking it from the outside? That is abuse. I wouldn't put up with it. I didn't give my kids lots of gaming time but they had other activities they did with friends several sports and music.

This sounds awful! Your husband is being completely Ott and borderline abusive. A 13 yr old should have at least a basic phone otherwise they can experience social exclusion.

The lock on the outside of the bathroom door is just awful. He is threatening your poor DS with imprisonment if he takes too long in the bathroom. On top if that he is breaking boundaries and humiliating him by referring to masturbation, which is a private activity.

He sounds like a controlling wanker.

Do you have just one bathroom?

Does your son have a bedroom of his own?

He sounds borderline evil. Locking children in the loo if they take too long? Horrific.

Sadist..poor children

Yes your too soft! You're not sticking up for your kids and your own thoughts! He's destroying your family and they will hate you too for not doing anything.

Sounds like he wants to be king of his castle rather than having a happy family home that is welcoming and works for everyone who lives there.

I think you need to put your foot down and let the kids have far more of a social life, both friends round and more screen time - especially a phone for the 13 year old.

I don’t think there’s a problem with a bathroom lock that can be opened form the outside - sensible in an emergency - but frequently threatening to use it because your teenage son might be being a teenage boy is appaling. You do need a solution to his overuse of the bathroom, though. Maybe a lock on his own door so he doesn’t feel the need to dominate the bathroom.

He is far too controlling especially regarding the 13 year old and not letting him lock the door. Does he stand outside with a stop watch. He is going to grow up feeling shame about the natural things that are happening to his body. Kids need to have friends over, tell your husband he needs to chill out as not just his house. Sounds like a very controlling environment where everyone has to toe the line and walking on eggshells. Put your foot down for your children's sake. As another poster said it was like that in her home and none of them see their parent's. Your husband needs some therapy as something has happened to him in his life or childhood and he will ruin your kids life. I agree it is good not for kids to be on screen all the time but the bathroom thing really strange.

Can you imagine living freely with your children without his rules and moody behaviour?

The screen time rule is fairly enough.
Everything else is ridiculous and the lock on the bathroom door is just batshit and borderline abusive.
Yanbu

I think the screen time allowance is incredibly mean.

Agree he sound tyrannical. I can’t tell if you are soft as you don’t mention any rules you feel are appropriate but it’s clear your husband gets his way which I suspect is how things are in your house… a few things spring to mind for me:

• this is teaching your son that dad knows best
• the lock on the door is extreme land I don’t think this is in the realms of ‘normal’
• your children do need discipline and structure but they also need warmth and to feel safe at home not bullied (or to see you , their mother and s woman, being bullied..)
• re phones and tech- have a read of The Anxious Generation. Basically smart phones aren’t good for kids. Equally at 13 it’s likely your child will be left out by peers so that requires some thought.
• you don’t mention how your children are really doing under this set up much. I would think they find dad’s behaviour quite hard to live with.

i also wondered when I read your post if your husband is very stressed.. my dad was tyrannical like this and it was awful for everyone. He then had a huge mental breakdown. I can see now it was due to work stress and depression but I lived my teen years like this and it definitely imacted my life and still does.

So he's a giant hypocrite as well as being abusive with the silent treatment. The lock on the bathroom door is really messed up. So is him using his moods to bully you into submission to his rules. The screen time limits for tweens and teens effects their social life. Screen time limits reasonable, restricting your child from interacting with their friends not so reasonable. Especially since he uses his phone so much. The kids will see the hypocrisy and the bullying.

I'm a strict parent but those rules are ridiculous. I don't have any rules with screens other than my 11yo phone gets locked at 8.30 so she gets ready for bed. The bathroom lock is horrible.

There is a line to be drawn where children can enjoy their childhood whilst also behaving themselves. I'm not crazy about sleepovers but allow them every now and again for the kids sake.

I would add that when they leave home they will be more likely to get involved in dysfunctional relationships. This is setting the tone for what is considered normal in their lives. You need to take some steps so that everyone can breath without bullying behaviour.

It isn't as simple as smart phones aren't good for kids. I got my anxious tween out of school refusal and back to school by allowing her to take a phone to school. She doesn't use it but she knows she's allowed to contact me anytime if things get too much. This is agreed with her school. She doesn't need to ask because she has situational mutism. Its been great for her anxiety. It also helps her feel more secure at her Dad's place.

Screen time also helps my Autistic kids to regulate and allows us to get out of the house because the one that really struggles with sensory issues can zone out on his tablet when it gets too much.Screens are a tool and like any tool they can be used in a way that's good or a way that's bad. At the extremes very strict or very permissive use are both likely to be bad for your kids in different ways. Balance and limits are important. Not being a hypocrite is important too. Kids will work out it's bullshit if you're one of those adults that is always on about how bad screens are while also always being scrolling on your phone. I see a lot more screen addicted adults out in the community then kids.

ETA: I'm sorry your Dad put you through that. Although there is a reason for his behaviour it doesn't excuse it or reduce the effect on you. I hope what he put you through has been acknowledged and he has apologised. There's no excuse good enough for adults to take out their feelings on kids.

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness i just meant that phones for children do require careful consideration. They do have a place of course particularly as a social tool; but all of the current research on brain development for children is clear that social media - particularly app design and function on most smart phones - has a negative correlation with children’s developmental stages. It’s only one detail of op’s post and I don’t think it’s the most significant. The book I mentioned ‘the anxious generation’ is really informative with regards to typical child development and the design of apps and smartphone function. It’s not really just about ‘screens’ but more specific to the apps and design of some apps and social media. It’s choices for every parent isn’t it based on their own child. I think the main issue here is the behaviour of op’s DH and how controlling it is for all involved x

He sounds abusive. Why don't you get a say?

He's awful. Your poor kids. Doubt they will visit home much when they grow up.

Yes, he is being abusive to the children and to you.

Here's an excellent book called, why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft

archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

I don’t like the sound of him but I don’t think his rules are awful, except the lock on the bathroom door, locking your kids into the bathroom is abuse and I’d tell him so- I quite like the locking him out plan. Every man was a boy once and no good dad turns around and uses that as a reason to lock the bathroom.
can you compromise? Personally our kids will never have fortnight ever and there is no screens on weekdays until they get their own phone. Why don’t you point out the options are your eldest gets a job and gets his own phone and you have very limited abilities to monitor and he gets into porn and drug running, or you could give him a phone with strict (not as strict as your dh) rules and monitoring. Rules include handing it over at 8pm, you have passwords, it might be confiscated during the week if he’s not doing his school work.
when he says you’re soft, say firmly since everyone else calls that good parenting I’m fine with that. Have you spoken to any other parents recently?? I hope you thank me if we still have a relationship with our kids when they are grown up as it won’t be thanks to you.
when he says I remember when I was a boy, say firmly I’d think that would make you more understanding.

It sounds like he dictates all the rules and you're just supposed to be a good wife and go along with it all? Setting a really bad example and also his rules are extreme. You're too soft because you're not standing up for yourself or your kids