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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being mugged off by DP

238 replies

Maccaj78 · 07/05/2024 13:51

I have been with my DP for 14 Years which have not been easy. He has always been difficult unless he is getting what's he wants. He has never worked and I do each month he takes my wages and then tells me what I am allowed to have and then I practically have to beg for it. I earn good money yet he always insists we have none. My money pays all bills and food and he says he doesn't have anything yet there are always online packages arriving. He screams if I ask when he got them as he got them with his own money lol!! The other I questioned this again and he told me to get out of his house (which I pay for) knowing I have no where to go and that I have only just handed him my wages. I then looked into an old email of mine that he is using and found hundreds of online receipts from DH Gate and eBay as he constantly tells me he never gets anything. He just told me they were things he sent back.. lies because his wardrobe (which I rarely go in) is full of brand new clothes in packets he told he just likes stuff. He wears the same thing everyday!! He said I'm ungrateful for the thing I have and greedy and don't want to buy him anything.
AIBU for thinking I'm being used and mugged off

OP posts:
BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 07/05/2024 21:04

Or else as others have said move your things out slowly but surely, change your wages to be paid into a new account and just be gone. If he harasses you get the police involved. Make the changes to your life today and you will be so much happier, will have money and take a holiday and just relax as you deserve it. Do not look back as he has shown you who he is.

Bearhampster · 07/05/2024 21:05

This is abusive coercive behaviour Including financial abuse. This is now the law ,as under domestic abuse. If you went to the police with this evidence he could b charged! What do you want to happen? Do u want to leave him? Or do you want to stay with him that seems unclear. How does he take Yr wages? Could u not hv them put Into Yr own bank account ? If you don't hv one u could get one. But u need to decide what you want to do. U hv my sympathies. Am wondering what do you want to happen best wishes

FairFuming · 07/05/2024 21:05

You say you have no one. Is it possible you have family or old friends who are desperately hoping you break free from him and who might offer help? You need to find a safe place and over the rest of the month slowly move the most important things there. Speak to your company and see if you can work from an office a couple days a week. Speak to your local woman's aid, they are brilliant. I left a similar man with 2 small kids in tow. One day we just didn't go 'home'. I'd spent weeks slowly moving things out. If I did it then so can you. It's so so difficult but so completely worth it.

shams05 · 07/05/2024 21:07

Open a new bank account online and ask your finance department to redirect your wages to it.
Once your first wage comes in to it then leave with the help of women's aid or similar.
Let work HR know your situation so if he does seize your laptop they can step in and replace for you whilst remotely locking your device.

SeatonCarew · 07/05/2024 21:08

BeBraveLittlePenguin · 07/05/2024 20:28

FFS. Why do women do this to themselves? Get some bloody self respect and throw the dickhead out. Then get therapy.

To you, and everyone else who has taken this attitude, or thought this thread jokeworthy:

Abusers are not abusive from day one. If they were, no one would go anywhere near them.

CarryOnCharon · 07/05/2024 21:10

It can’t really be true though..?

stuffyoursandbox · 07/05/2024 21:15

Starling bank account is very easy to open online. I hope you get yourself away very soon.

SeatonCarew · 07/05/2024 21:18

CarryOnCharon · 07/05/2024 21:10

It can’t really be true though..?

How naive or inexperienced in life are you? In the past I have hidden a mother and child in my home for three months who were subject to the most life threatening abuse in a very des res village. The police concurred their lives were in danger.

There are sadly far too many people who cannot imagine any other lives beyond their own insular, sheltered existence, which makes it even more difficult for these people to reach out for help.

OP can you give a vague idea of where you are? Someone nearby may be able to offer some support. I would if I could.

CarryOnCharon · 07/05/2024 21:21

SeatonCarew · 07/05/2024 21:18

How naive or inexperienced in life are you? In the past I have hidden a mother and child in my home for three months who were subject to the most life threatening abuse in a very des res village. The police concurred their lives were in danger.

There are sadly far too many people who cannot imagine any other lives beyond their own insular, sheltered existence, which makes it even more difficult for these people to reach out for help.

OP can you give a vague idea of where you are? Someone nearby may be able to offer some support. I would if I could.

Edited
Show quote history

Very much neither.

But this sounds unlikely

SeatonCarew · 07/05/2024 21:24

Then unfortunately@CarryOnCharon you aren't as worldly wise as you think. Sad but true, the most appalling things go on behind closed doors.

CarryOnCharon · 07/05/2024 21:25

We shall see

SeatonCarew · 07/05/2024 21:26

And in doing so potentially cast down someone desperate for help, or discourage someone else in desperate straits from coming forward.

CarryOnCharon · 07/05/2024 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SeatonCarew · 07/05/2024 21:30

And if she doesn't?

MountCaramel · 07/05/2024 21:33

Open another online bank account and tell the bank that you are in an abusive relationship so they don't send paper post to you.

Ask finance to pay your salary into your new account.

Change all your passwords and log in details for all accounts.

Gorgonemilezola · 07/05/2024 21:57

'Are you allowed to leave the house OP, you say you work from home and he is always there.'

OP goes to the gym so is allowed out of the house.

Original poster
Maccaj78 · 07/05/2024 21:58

I have just left thank you all went to the police after he found my post thank you for.ll your advices. I'm very nervous now

OP posts:
turkeymuffin · 07/05/2024 22:00

Maccaj78 · 07/05/2024 21:58

I have just left thank you all went to the police after he found my post thank you for.ll your advices. I'm very nervous now

He found your post on here?

I suggest you name change and ask for it to be deleted.

Follow the advice re womens aid and bank accounts etc.

Original poster
Maccaj78 · 07/05/2024 22:02

No I was never allowed out of his sight I work from home do not go out by myself

OP posts:
Original poster
Maccaj78 · 07/05/2024 22:08

CarryOnCharon · 07/05/2024 21:21

Very much neither.

But this sounds unlikely

Show quote history

I am in Essex. I do understand abuse and have always felt I can control it but it has reached a time I ask is it worth it. However he caught me asking

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 07/05/2024 22:09

Maccaj78 · 07/05/2024 21:58

I have just left thank you all went to the police after he found my post thank you for.ll your advices. I'm very nervous now

Well done OP that's really very brave. I hope the police are helping you get to somewhere safe. Look after yourself lovely 💐 I know it's scary but you are doing the right thing. Your life can be calm and happy again. Your future is bright and you can make a new life for yourself.

Original poster
Maccaj78 · 07/05/2024 22:10

How so?

OP posts:
Butterfly212 · 07/05/2024 22:12

Maccaj78 · 07/05/2024 22:10

How so?

The police should find you a safe hostel to go to if you are worried he will hurt you like a shelter for women.

Actupfishy · 07/05/2024 22:13

what have the police done?

Original poster
Maccaj78 · 07/05/2024 22:17

Because he made me dependent and owing in the beginning I was studying he also was on benefit because he had wealthy family. Any how he is now in custody as I was asking for advise. I now have to leave my home AIBU for being gutted

OP posts:
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