Am I being mugged off by DP

[Maccaj78]

I have been with my DP for 14 Years which have not been easy. He has always been difficult unless he is getting what's he wants. He has never worked and I do each month he takes my wages and then tells me what I am allowed to have and then I practically have to beg for it. I earn good money yet he always insists we have none. My money pays all bills and food and he says he doesn't have anything yet there are always online packages arriving. He screams if I ask when he got them as he got them with his own money lol!! The other I questioned this again and he told me to get out of his house (which I pay for) knowing I have no where to go and that I have only just handed him my wages. I then looked into an old email of mine that he is using and found hundreds of online receipts from DH Gate and eBay as he constantly tells me he never gets anything. He just told me they were things he sent back.. lies because his wardrobe (which I rarely go in) is full of brand new clothes in packets he told he just likes stuff. He wears the same thing everyday!! He said I'm ungrateful for the thing I have and greedy and don't want to buy him anything.
AIBU for thinking I'm being used and mugged off

This
ideal it’s in his name. Leave and stay in a hotel whilst you work out your next move

Just go, wait for your next wage and don’t go back.

cancel any utility bills in your make in that day, get a redirect on your post to your work and find a cheap hotel or air b and b till you can get a deposit to rent elsewhere.

STOP GIVING HIM YOUR MONEY AND LEAVE.

RIGHT NOW.

Honestly, sometimes you just have to shout because it's so unbelievable.

🤔

Are there children involved?

Agree that it's perfect the house is in his name.

Secretly organise yourself a new place to stay, quietly squirrel important documents and clothes over there (eg on your way to/from work) and one day just disappear out of his life, ideally just before your next paycheck.

The house is in his name? Perfect! You can just go, he will be liable to pay. Make a plan for where you can go when you next get paid; change bank details with work, get a new bank card, and please just leave.

Leave, if your name in not on the tenancy you don’t have to pay it. Speak to womens aid. Change passwords so he doesn’t have access to your accounts and open a new one updating your work to pay you elsewhere.
This is financial abuse and when you are ready you can speak to the police

Yes you are being mugged off.
Grow a backbone and start making arrangements to move out.

Are you in the UK? If so you need to get legal advice or contact Women’s Aid for their take on your circumstances.

Have to say there’s part of me that thinks this post is a send up. I can’t believe any female in our modern age would be so cowed down that she’s put up with abuse this for sooooo long.

i don't know how to turn things around

You leave him, is how you turn things around. You should start by calling Women's Aid for some advice. I would also try and open a new bank account, in your name only, without his knowledge, so you can arrange with your employer for your salary to be paid into that instead of a joint account or an account in his name.

Then you can leave. Even if you live in a cheap temporary rental like an Airbnb while you're looking for something more permanent, you actually hold all the financial power here. The fact that the tenancy agreement on your house is in his name only means that he's responsible for paying any rent for the remainder of the tenancy. You can literally just walk away from him, with your salary, and leave him to it. You don't even need to give him your new address.

You say 'DP' - am I to assume you're not married? Even better - no divorce costs and no need to split any assets.

He is seriously, seriously abusive. Even if he's not violent (which obviously he might be, for all I know) it's still abuse. You're not being 'mugged off', you are being severely controlled and abused and it is well within your power to put an end to it now.

Just leave him.

Good grief....

I voted you are B U as you should have dumped this cocklodger 13 years 11 months, and 30 days ago OP!! What on earth are you thinking of, it doesn't even sound like you like this man, so why are you handing over your wages to him. Why isn't he working? Oh, I give up, why are you being SO STUPID? Get rid of him NOW!!

What's going on around here this afternoon?

He has never worked and I do each month he takes my wages and then tells me what I am allowed to have and then I practically have to beg for it

I stopped reading here OP, get out of that relationship!

You really don’t need telling, you already know you need to end this.

as a PP has suggested, quietly remove anything you can’t leave behind, change your bank details and ask your next month pay to go into that, and simply leave. I know you don’t have any money at the moment and that’s your big stumbling block, so you will have to time your leaving to be the day you get paid, just go to work that morning and don’t come home go to a travel lodge or a b&b, have anything you need and can’t face living without in the boot of your car the night before, get up In the morning as normal and go.

Being a lazy, abusive arsehole isn't a mental health issue

leave him, he is abusive and is dragging you down

You've been a complete mug. End it.

It is good that the tenancy is in his name. You can leave! Have you got your own bank account? Get yourself a credit card as well. Find yourself a room in a shared house until you decide where to live. Do a credit check to make sure he isn't using your name for anything. You don't need a discussion, just leave a note one day. Start taking important stuff to work. You can do this!

Reminds me of my ex husband. I was working full time, wearing worn down shoes & clothes, paying for nursery for him to have a break from the children even though he didn’t work, prepping and batch cooking meals and wasn’t allowed to spend a penny! If I forgot my lunch for work, I’d have to wait until I got home.

All of my money was to be transferred into his account& then he was splurging on everything for him.

First thing I done when I left him was upgrade my wardrobe! Even though he took most of our savings with him and spent it within 2 months 🥴

Hi OP, do you have any friends and family you can connect with and lean on? I feel angry that someone as hard working and caring as you has been taken advantage of. Yes, the ideal is that you could see reason many years ago, but abusive situations wear people down over time, removing their own sense of self-worth. Abusers take advantage of good natured people.

The good news is that YOU HAVE THE UPPER HAND. yay. You’re the kick-ass earner. You could literally disappear to stay at a relative’s house tonight. I fear if you wait a month, you’ll still end up handing over cash and not have enough for a rental deposit.

Jesus Christ OP, this is next level financial abuse and coercive control. Please speak to women's aid and the citizens advice bureau urgently. Change the bank account your wages go to. You need help here. Are there children??

ask for £20 (make an easy excuse), go to a bank of your choosing and open an account. Go into work and have your wage transferred into that account.
this is your account in your name with your money. you can take full control OR can have part of your wages go into it.
either way he will notice and be prepared for confrontation.
don’t marry and pay attention to your pension.

Thank the Lord you're not married. Also the tenancy is his. His problem, not yours! When do you get paid next? Can you speak to work and explain what is going on. Open a new bank account as soon as you can. You can walk out. A lot depends on children but enough is enough. You deserve the life you've worked so hard for. He can go fuck himself 🤷🏻‍♀️

Does he think it's still the 1920s?